MaryZ's support thread for parents of troubled teenagers

[MaryZcary]

I am starting this thread in the hope that it will become a safe space for those of us strugging with very challenging teenage behaviour.

I'm hoping that it will be a support thread, rather than descend as so many threads do into a "criticism of the parents". Those of us in this situation know that it is pretty much impossible to just "tell them to stop" or to "ground them", and taking away phones, money and gadgets leads to lying stealing and running away .

Sadly it seems cannabis is at the bottom of an awful lot of these children's problems, and I'm hoping we can talk about that here without having to defend ourselves against the "cannabis does no harm" brigade. So if anyone tries to turn it into an argument about whether cannabis is addictive or harmful, could you please just ignore them and hope they go away - or start another thread which I can hide where they can argue away happily.

Anyway, sign in if you are interested. I'll be back later.

[MaryZcary]

Don't namechange merlot.

I'm running a one-woman campaign to get people to talk about this in real life.

Since I started talking I have realised that I'm not alone - others have also gone through it. People I thought had perfect family lives are like the proverbial swan - swimming along serenely on the surface, while their legs scrabble like mad under the water.

I have discovered that the most seemingly well-behaved children have dropped out of college, thumped their parents, stolen, lied and done awful things. But their parents are too ashamed to admit it.

It is an invisible problem, which ties into the assumption of "out of control child must equal bad parent".

Obviously there are some appalling parents who treat their children badly and have caused their children major issues. But most of them aren't (probably) posting here.

I have been accused of everything from being a control-freak to giving ds too much freedom , by professionals, by the school, by the psychologist and by the police. I think what they really mean is "I don't know what you could do, but I do know what you are doing is wrong" - which isn't exactly helpful .

[Ungratefulchild]

It is very comforting (but sad) to know that others are experiencing the same difficulties.

I would just like to make clear that my name does not refer to my son at all but to myself (my parents are of the stately home variety).

I am exhausted today. He has gone to college after a lot of effort from me. Well he's out of the house anyway which is good (for me). His bike has disappeared. He went to pick it up last night but returned (in the early hours) without it, said he forgot to bring it home. Minor stuff on the scale of things but bloody hell it is tiring.

[flow4]

Make that a two-woman campaign, Mary. ^>links arms and stands in line

[Abra1d]

I am currently looking after my niece, 16, who has dropped out of school and has been self-harming. She is with me for three weeks, then back to another aunt in Yorkshire. She has come all the way over from Australia because her mother and father are at their wits' end with her. She won't even speak to her father (my brother) any more.

As far as I can tell, she has fallen out with all her immediate family. She has always been a difficult person, though, not a formerly sweet-natured girl who 'turned'. In that respect she is perhaps different from some of the teenagers described on this thread. I think some people are just born that way and there's not much you can do to stop the 'difficult' personality expressing itself. All you can do is try and limit how it affects everyone else and hope you can stop them from doing the potentially very damaging things they might otherwise do if they weren't shown some love and attention and limits.

My niece is very intelligent but very lazy. She is supposed to be going back onto a fashion course in a year's time, back in Sydney. I keep kicking her out of the house with me to visit design museums and galleries so she doesn't vegetate completely.

In our village an apparently 'perfect' 16-year-old committed suicide last week. As others have said, trouble teenager-hood affects all kinds of families.

[xxDebstarxx]

Out of interest does anyone know if there is a legal requirement for teenagers to take GCSEs. I know it's my responsibility to make sure my son receives an education (which I'm not achieving at the moment) but where does the law stand on taking exams?

[doinmummy]

It has now been 48 hours since contact with daughter. I don't want to ask her father if he's heard from her as I don't want him having a go at me.

[flow4]

There are no legal requirement to take GCSEs xx. Google 'home education GCSEs to find lots of info and advice.

doin, can you text him? And are you still planning to take her stuff round to his place? Because you'll find out then anyway, so maybe don't need to ask.

[willwegetthrough]

Abra1d - your DN sounds like my DD - I have always found her difficult and know I didn't deal with her behaviour in effective ways when she was a child. I think I was quite toxic. I can see it all now, and bitterly regret not seeking help for both of us when she was younger. Now referred to CAHMS, but is hardly engaging with it at all.

H wouldn't know emotions if they hit him in the face - just wants his dinner on the table and to be able to read his paper and watch TV. Very lonely.

[Abra1d]

willweget There are some children who just are difficult and the 'normal' ways of treating their issues just won't work. It's tough for you if your husband isn't backing up what you're trying to do, very lonely, as you say.

[willwegetthrough]

Thanks Abra1d - maybe she is just the person she is - totally different to me. She's an "only" too, so I don't have the comfort of having another "non- difficult" child. (Or the distress of having 2 difficult children I suppose - must try to look on the bright side).

Your DN is lucky to have you taking an interest - good luck.

[xxDebstarxx]

thank you flow I will google that. I just need to know where I stand when I have yet another meeting with the school where they don't listen and blame me.

[Abra1d]

Thank you, willweget. :)

[MaryZcary]

I always wonder at schools who say to parents "It's your job to get him/her in here".

I mean, how on earth do they think we can do that? And do they think we want teenagers lounging around at home? A school-refuser is a genuine problem and parents need help to sort it out, not criticism ffs.

I have come to the conclusion that a lot of difficult teenagers are difficult because they are unhappy. The problem, of course, is that we can't make them happy.

It's why I don't worry about ds2, despite his problems. He is intrinsically happy and has loads of inner resources - when he is upset he can go away with his guitar, or his music, or his i-pod or even a book. ds1 has nothing, absolutely nothing that he can escape to - hence the involvement with drugs to dull reality .

And of course teenagers mostly don't want to admit to needing help, so once they are on a downward cycle it is very hard to stop.

[xxDebstarxx]

OMG yes MaryZ that's so true. The school constantly blame me and if they'd only helped when my boy first starting refusing I'm sure things wouldn't be so bad now. Unfortunately they decided that my single parent status was the blame factor in the situation and there were absolutely no problems at school. It was up to me to get my boy to school despite the fact that he was taller and stronger than me. They told me to drag him out of bed and force him in the car to get him to school. I bet if I'd managed that they'd have reported me for abuse!!!

[MaryZcary]

Yes exactly.

Like telling me to stop my son going out at night. Err, how? If I stand in the doorway he will just push past me. Should I push him back and have an actual fight?

I often used to deal with ds when he was in that kind of a mood, because I was afraid it would come to a physical fight with dh, and if that had happened I would have been in the ridiculous position of dh being removed from the house as being a danger to my children, when he was just trying to protect me from my child.

Fucking ridiculous.

[piebald]

This is lovely to read-there is hope. Have had my ups and lots of downs with ds 2 and have occasionally posted (thanks for good advice Mary) but more often have not posted in fear of getting posts sending all the blame back my way, and while i know i have caused some of the problems being told it by people who do not know the full situation does not help

[noteventhebestdrummer]

I like 'Shouting GROW at your carrots may not work'

The troubled kids are like that, they can't hear you. They just can't. So you may as well wait for them to hopefully grow out of their troubled selves and do damage limitation for the rest of the family.

DS actually told me recently that his neighbour drug dealer were not nice people. This had come as a revelation to him :) But he seems in a stable place these days which is a mega change from 2 years ago.

[brighterfuture]

Thank you to everyone who has shared their stories here. Its such a revelation for me to see that I am not alone in parenting a troubled teen.

I had my dc before a lot of my friends so I haven't yet encountered other's who've suffered and struggled and also felt the blame/ shame that I have.

Most of my friend's dc are still young ,sweet and malleable and the other's all seem to have teens who occasionally don't do their homeowork or maybe tried smoking once ! It's difficult to share that mine's hitting bongs at 6 in the morning

[DebbieTitsMcGee]

My DC are only little but I often lurk on here as forewarned is forearmed, or something.

I think you are all amazing and I wish your DC could understand how much you love them and want them to be happy. I was a "troubled" teen myself and it breaks my heart to think my kids might ever feel like I did.

Increasingly I am feeling like we aren't good enough parents and it's only terrible twos we are trying to deal with. Do you think parenting courses are a good idea?

dooinmummy don't forget you can call the Samaritans any time for a listening ear. Hope things get better for you and DD soon.

[DebbieTitsMcGee]

That sounded so patronising :( it really isn't meant to.

[MaryZcary]

It's ok, you didn't come across as patronising at all [hsmile]

In some ways terrible twos are harder, because it's quite a shock to find that your adorable baby has a mind of its own [hgrin]. And yes, I think parenting courses are fantastic and everyone should do them, especially the ones that go over a few weeks where you get to talk with another group of parents, discuss issues, go away and try different things and then come back to discuss how it went.

It's great to see how other parents deal with things - and I discovered two things on every parenting course I ever did. Firstly that ds1 was a tad harder to manage than other children (which was a comfort) and secondly that, considering everything, I was doing bloody well! I also found that it made me think much more about how I related to my other children, instead of constantly worrying only about ds.

[merlottits]

Everyone, from my parents to my work colleagues ask me why I don't just MAKE my DS do his homework. He has the ability to wilfully sit and stare at a blank piece of paper for 1-2 hours, refusing to involve himself. This is after withdrawing PC, mobile, money, freedom etc.

You can't make someone learn something. I actually thought I would be able to do this as a parent. Sometimes you have to admit defeat.

My DD1 is completely different. Bright, high achieving, hard-working.
What makes one child so different from another?

I do see glimpses of the man he could become. I hope this is a 'phase' or just old-fashioned immaturity.

The shame is the hardest for me. All my friends and acquaintances have high-achieving children. I know that makes me sound superficial. People ask me what he's doing and I just don't know what to say. I try so hard not to act like I'm ashamed but it has slipped out... Bugger it's had eh?

[DebbieTitsMcGee]

Thanks MaryZ!

I will ask at the children's centre about courses.

Sometimes my DD seems so angry and distant from me already :( but then I always had a v poor relationship with my dad till I was in my 20s and we are pretty close now, so it's never too late I suppose.

I'm also trying to sort out my own "issues" as best I can, like you say you can't always control what older children do but you can control how you react...wish me luck! I generally like teenagers and they me (friends kids etc) but no doubt having my own will put paid to all that :)

[DebbieTitsMcGee]

merlottits my mum despaired of me, I went from Oxbridge hopeful to dropout within a year. I was a bit lost till my late 20s, but now I compare pretty well to her friends's kids so maybe he will be a late bloomer too.

[daisydoodoo]

Can I join? Ds1 is 15 and failing at life. He's a bright boy predicted a's at gcse but just received a letter from school requesting fees for resits as he's already at too low a level to pass and only just started yr 11.
He lies constantly, I'm not even sure he knows he's lying if that makes sense? He literally can not tell the truth, even when I make it clear that I know exactly where's he's been or who with.
He smokes and lies about money.
Runs up huge bills on iTunes Xbox mobile etc. He's now on payg no iTunes and no Xbox live.

I know my problems are small compared to a lot here but it's making everyone's lives hell, he's so awful to husband siblings and already put his 10 yr old brother in hospital by kicking him in his kidneys and ds2 couldn't wee.