Talking to teenage boys about sex. Impossible, isn't it?

[slambang]

All the books say 'be open with your teenager, listen non judgementally, try not to be shocked when they tell you stuff.'

Tell you stuff? How the bloody hell do you get boys to do that???

I tried to drop into a (relevant) conversation while washing up with ds (15) my attitude about respecting girls. (In a nutshell: If she says no she means no. If she says maybe she means no. If she says yes then you still have enough respect for each other to think carefully if it's a good idea or not for you both.)

Ds was mortified! Shut up mum shut up! Stop talking to me about it! I know that already, what do you think I am? Are you calling me a rapist?! Stop talking about this PLEASE!!

How on earth does a good old-fashioned feminist mum ever get the chance to instil a few values? Dh says by setting an example, but our dcs don't exactly see our example in that aspect of life. Anyone managed better?

[RubyFakeNails]

ahaaa the bitter laugh of a teen parent I know it so well

Think it was the other day on a thread I was saying I just want one, just one shopping trip that doesn't involve her bending over in front of me or the phrase "but can you see my nipples? And what about my fanny shape?".

[KatieScarlett2833]

An, the private time discussion

Little sod never even batted an eyelid.

[KatieScarlett2833]

I would like one where she doesn't ask me repeatedly why I won't purchase Primani slutwear for her.....

[noddyholder]

You have to just keep it general and light between about 14 and 17 until the normal person emerges and you can have a serious chat without cringeing. It is mortifying for all though

[RubyFakeNails]

Oooh what is primani slutwear?

[KatieScarlett2833]

The Primark nylon red n black classy nylon thong and matching plunge bra set she coveted last week.

I know she is having sex with her lovely BF, but it's a bit eeew to buy her her facilitating (thrush-inducing) lurve thongs......

[slambang]

Glad I'm not the only one who's teens would rather tidy their bedroom than allow the mere mention by their mother of anything even remotely related to procreation!

[slambang]

Sympathise too with the ham-fisted fathers' attempts at the man-to-man talks.

Ds went off to his first overnight festival last month involving CAMPING + GIRLS + ALCOHOL and god knows what else. I had loads of talks with ds beforehand about 'what if' scenarios but the night he was packing his stuff I suggested to dh that he went and had a chat with ds about choices people make when drunk etc. Dh is not good at this sort of thing and tends to giggle but he went in to ds's room and came back looking very proud of himself. So, I asked how it went:
'Oh it was great actually. I didn't say anything to him. I didn't need to. I just gave him a condom!!'

Sigh....

[slambang]

I seem to have given the impression that after 15 years of never mentioning sex to my ds I launched into a moral sermon out of the blue.

Just to clarify - 15 is not the first time I've mentioned sex to ds! We do have an open honest relationship and I believe in the casual little and often no big deal approach (to talking, not to the act itself!).
I do not preach. Chats about sex tend to be dropped in sideways when a relevant issue crops up e.g. in the news.

But all those people who think they can do better - good luck!

[KillerRack]

But as I said I do like a few shock tactics every now and again.


How extreme :O , do you not worry what harm it may do??.

[MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic]

We've been having 'no means no' discussions for a while (DSs are 12 and 14) but not specific to sexual situations. I'm generally quite happy to talk about things if they bring them up first, I have no idea how to introduce a graphic topic without cringing We still haven't had a talk on masturbation, mainly because I think that should be DHs job given that I'm female and have no practical knowledge of teenage male sexuality, and he just won't talk about things like that.

They know I'm there if they need to talk. I guess I'll just wait for a girl (or boy) friend to turn up and take that as a cue to go over all the respect/safe sex/please be careful stuff again.

[KillerRack]

My DM used to talk about personal stuff based on personal experiences and it would have been better using the 'someone I know approach, or anything else.

I can't really cope with anything liek that now coz I got so much of it at a young age etc.

What response do you get?

[nooka]

I use the 'I was reading about this on Mumsnet and wondered what you would think' approach mostly.

dh is thoroughly useless. I asked him to talk to ds about wet dreams and he refused on the basis that he'd never had them. I still thought it would be better coming from a fellow man, but ds and I ended up having a very funny conversations about stiffies (mainly me reassuring him that sometimes they were totally random and it didn't mean that he fancied the cat - he told me he got one when one of the cats fell into the laundry basket).

For the more moral stuff we find video games offer plenty of hooks about general sexism, attitudes to female characters and players. Right now he is still at a fairly righteous stage, but I think that's like my pre-drinking teetotalism and not a very reliable indication of future behaviour.

[sleeze]

I say to my ds on a regular basis.... 'just remember, any girl you choose to sleep with could be the mother of your child.....'

[RubyFakeNails]

Killer Its not as if I crack out the porn and the karma sutra then pull dh in for a demonstration. But I think we all know teen boys when they're together are not that naive and they all know so much more than they let on. I don't think anything I say or do on this topic could really harm him.

I just find that often being sort of graphic, upfront and a bit embarrassing but sort of humorous at the same time works.

I definitely don't say "well when dad and I are having sex and I'm just about to..", but I might mention that when I was a certain age I slept with a guy in a situation that wasn't great and how that made me feel, and how I'm sure he wouldn't like to make anyone feel like that or want his sister to feel like that. Or I reference Dhs behaviour when he was a teen and how some of his rampant seduction of anything with a vagina did have consequences. I feel like that makes things seem a lot more real and close to home. All my dc were conceived while using contraception so I feel that its important to mention that.

In terms of feminist issues, its not exactly a priority for me, my ds is more my priority but yes I have said things like "you know nobody likes cum on their face" which did get a bit of but he still remembers what I said and meant I got a few important bits about porn across to him.

[KillerRack]

Each to their own, my mum was like it caused more problems than it solved.


I just don't think its appropriate to talk about yourself in a sexual situation to your children. But boys may be different.

[KillerRack]

I say to my ds on a regular basis.... 'just remember, any girl you choose to sleep with could be the mother of your child.....'

That's really good sleaze, more people should view babies as a possible SA of having sex, rather than ,'Weren't you using contraception?' Contraception can fail , I see people doing it on here loads who are old enough to know better *shakes head.

[RubyFakeNails]

What problems did it cause?

Maybe I'm being shortsighted I can't imagine any.

Its how my mum talked to me.

I haven't noticed much difference between DD and DS in terms of response.

[KillerRack]

feeling quite 'violated' in a weird sense.

its not an image a child needs or wants I think the 'someone I know' is great.

I feel it can be overburdening for a child who is still developing to take on the adult situations/emotions as well as an inappropriate images.

depending the the 'heavyness' of the scenario, I feel its was very selfish of my parent to dump that kind of baggage of me before I'd developed the maturity to deal with my own. Does that make any sense??.

this might be a 'I'm the only one' scenario.

[RubyFakeNails]

I don't think I ever felt dumped on by anything my mother said and certainly not violated. I could equally be the only one to not feel the way you did but those types of discussions always made me feel really close to my mum and made me see her as an adult with sexual experience and therefore a valid opinion not just my mother.

Will have to ask the dcs how they feel about it in detail.

[nooka]

My mother told me about her feelings toward sex and it was quite disturbing to be honest. If she had a more healthy attitude it probably wouldn't have been an issue. My children are fascinated to hear about dh and my previous boyfriends, but I don't think I'd give them any very intimate details (eg I might talk about snogging but probably not about sex).

[KillerRack]

I feel quite the same nooka,

I think sexual assault/etc is very hard line to tow.in regards of its important to know but remember talking your talking to your children.

I think my DM had wanted to inform me but ended up scarring me more, I think there's a tendencies to inform to turn into /'dump my shit on you' and.
I think in the parents defense the parents often think 'if they are creeped out they'll tell me' , but that is rarely the case.
which I think is why keeping it objective is better so it doesn't risk crossing that line.

[RubyFakeNails]

I think it clearly depends on your experiences.

It sounds as if you were told things that weren't particularly helpful. I think I have a very healthy positive attitude towards sex which I know my mum had. I never felt my mother dumped anything on me, it was more her talking about her youth and how she was convinced she shagged Eric Clapton.

I've never been assaulted and I don't think I'm telling my children anything that is shocking or I would be upset that other people knew, its all very vanilla. I'm not describing sex acts in detail, its more saying how there are certain times when I would have been drunk and not fully in control and so maybe i felt regretful.

I can definitely say I've never felt any negativity towards my parent sharing details with me and from what you have said I think we must have completely different experiences and mindsets.

[KillerRack]

Yeah I think there's a world of difference between 'I once had a ONS was hammered didn't really feel good after' which I think teens of a certain age can cope with.

The more 'shocking' stuff.