Teens sleeping together in your house

[bearbee02]

DD is 18 soon and wants to sleep with her boyfriend at our house overnight. We say no, she says yes. What do you suggest?

[Numberlock]

hdaadh You sound like a lovely father, very reasonable and level-headed, which you have no doubt got from your ahead-of-her-time mother!

For what it's worth, I think your approach is spot on.

I'll drop it unles someone can suggest another forum

I think there is a forum on her for step-parents? Someone else can probably point you in the right direction, sorry if I've got that wrong.

[milkteef]

I would. She's 18 and an adult and I would expect them to have a drink/have sex in their own time. If it's controlled and she's a good kid who doesn't take the piss I think the right to live her own life in her home is an important one.

However it is your rules. If you're not comfortable with it don't do it.

[Perriwinkle]

Isn't it funny that parents cringe every bit as much at the though of their children having sex as the children do about their parents having sex?

[Millie93]

I am 19 next month, so by all means disregard my opinion as I am not a parent and am biased as I am in this situation myself, but here is the child's perspective:

I am 10 months into a relationship with a guy who I have known for 5 years and is a month older than me. This is my second serious relationship; I was with somebody else from 14 until 17, and I first slept with him when I was 16.

I understand that my parents did not want me sharing a room with my first boyfriend, but I do think I should be allowed to share with my current boyfriend; we are both adults and sensible and responsible etc, and rest assured, the last thing I want is my parents hearing me having sex! I am on my gap year and he is at a 6th form college, so over the next year we will not see all that much of each other so being able to have this extra closeness would be nice when we do see each other.

There is also an element of peer pressure. Do ask what friends are allowed to do, because it might have prompted the idea. In my case, I have a friend and his girlfriend who I and my boyfriend socialise a lot with, double dating etc. Both their parents allow them to share a room whenever they stay over. Obviously my lovely friends do not ridicule me for not being able to! But I am hugely jealous of them, and I do get comments from them like "That's such a weird rule" and "Why are you still ordered about like a kid?" and its...not fun

[shrimponastick]

I hear what Millie says. I suppose thinking more about it, I would allow a long standing bf/gf to stay over. I very much doubt they would be having wild, noisy sex in the next bedroom to a parent!"?!? I certanly wouldn't have done.

My DS is 14 -so hopefully we won't be having this conversation for a few years - but I think each case must be judged individually.

But if OP says no, then the DD must respect that decision.

[LongTimeLurking]

16 + ? then let them stop over IMO. As long as anything going on is kept very discreet.

I walk my dog daily along the canal & park and in the evenings during the summer months the amount of young couples who seem to think the quiet areas of the canal or park are appropriate place for heavy petting and more is quite disturbing. Obviously they must have no where else to go, wouldn't you rather your kids were safely at home than doing it on a park bench in public?

[Floralnomad]

My DS is 19 and I have no objections to him doing whatever he wants in his room however my DH and I decided we were not having anybody staying overnight , and DS respects that. We have younger DC and we all have a relaxed attitude towards clothes( or lack of them) and shutting doors so it would be very annoying to have other people wandering around in the night or first thing in the morning.

[GnomeDePlume]

We said 'yes' to DD staying at BF's house (not every night or even every weekend) but 'no' to him staying at ours for the simple reason that we also have two younger DCs who should be allowed to get on with their own growing up at their own pace. They dont need to see BF going into the bathroom in the middle of the night!

There isnt one right answer!

[Perriwinkle]

No, there isn't a right answer to this question in my view either. Every family has to find their own way through.

What every "chaudult" still living at home has to remember is that no matter how grown up they feel, they are living under someone else's roof and someone else's rules. They shouldn't feel a sense of entitlement to be allowed to do whatever they please just because it's their parents' house. There's no law to say that when children hit a certain age parents have to bend to their every demand without question just because they might not like it they don't.

The only time you can truly feel a sense of entitlement to be allowed to do whatever you like and act in whatever way you please is when you have your own home/space to do it in. Then no one has the right to tell you what you can and can't do. Simple.

I can remember moaning about stuff when I was grown up but still living at home and my mum always used to say, "if you don't like it you know what you can do". Now I'm that much older and wiser I know she was spot on and when my time comes, I'll be saying exactly the same thing as she did.

Many people will say "oh but they can't afford to move out" and that's fine but until they can they'll have to toe the line in my view. That's just life.

[KentuckyFriedChildren]

Well I moved out from my parents because they would let Dh stay (not that he didn't stay- they just didn't know and still dont) but personally I would only let them stay once I had been formally introduced and at least had a meal and a conversation with them. It's not like they're children after all and your dd will only end up either spending v little time at home or moving out completely if you treat her like a kid

[KentuckyFriedChildren]

Just to clarify Dh and I were not married then but had been together for about 4 1/2 years when we moved in together so my parents did know him they were just strict

[Lolwhut]

I think you should do what you want I your own home. When eldest was 18 and in a stable (ie being going out a good few months) then I didn't have any problems with his girlfriend staying over at all. I explained to all DC's that this didn't mean that there was an open door policy and that all future requests would be granted on a case by case bases.

[Lolwhut]

I think you should do what you want I your own home. When eldest was 18 and in a stable (ie being going out a good few months) then I didn't have any problems with his girlfriend staying over at all. I explained to all DC's that this didn't mean that there was an open door policy and that all future requests would be granted on a case by case bases.

[Bromptonaut]

DD has been 'going out' with son of a family friend from her being age 13; he's 20 months and two school years older. Because of the friendship we were able to discuss with his parents. DD was on pill. Agreed that once she was 16 attempts to stop 'it' happening were futile and just let them get on - seems fine so far.

DS has found relationship with daughter of other friends of his sister's BF's family - long story!!

The Lad, understandably, expects same latitude as his sis but G/F's parents are in the not under my (or your) roof camp.

Any advice on how to handle?

[Startailoforangeandgold]

18 Yes, if I liked the BF.
16/17 I don't know.

I didn't sleep with anyone until I was 20 and I'm still married to him 20+ years later.

Mum just used to bring us breakfast in bed. DMIL just didn't tell DFIL

[schoolchauffeur]

Bromptanaut- we are about to be in similar situation to you with your DS. DD (17) has been seeing her bf for just on a year now. Her bf is a school year below and one year younger - he turned 16 just after DD turned 17. We like him very much and they have so far stuck to all our rules about separate rooms/bedtimes etc. We have said that now bf is 16 we will continue to offer him spare room, but provided they are discreet I will no longer be noticing bed time ( old rule was in separate rooms by 11.30 - and I already knew they weren't having sex as they had agreed to wait until bf was 16) and won't be checking who sleeps where as long as it is not obvious to our younger DS or us! Once she is 18 next year however, then I am happy for them to openly share a room on the basis that she then becomes a responsible adult member of our household.

However, b/fs parents are not the same and bf has told DD that his parents would never let them share a room. Said there was time enough for that when he was married!! He mentioned that he and DD might like to go on a holiday together next summer for a long weekend somewhere- probably camping. Instantly said this wasn't appropriate. So not sure how this will pan out! His family are lovely - don't see them often as they live away ( kids met away at school) and to be fair they have 3 younger children and no spare room, so there would be no hiding it in their house, so I can see where they are coming from at the moment and would probably be the same, but think it is a bit unfair they won't let him go away!

B/f is a lovely lad and now feels really awkward- doesn't want to lie to his parents about what happens when he is here, but thinks if he tells them the truth they will stop him coming here! I told DD to tell him that we give him the spare room- he doesn't have to tell them that he doesn't always sleep in it alone!

[flow4]

It would be fine by me. Like startail I had good experiences myself as a teenager. :) I had my first 'serious' boyfriend when I was 16, and both sets of parents allowed us to stay the night in the same bed. When I was 17, I had another (even more serious!) boyfriend, and the same acceptance. My parents weren't around in the mornings; but both boyfriends' mothers brought us cups of tea and I felt very welcome. When I was 19, my mum died, and though I had a new boyfriend by then, both of these first two boyfriends came to her funeral, and both their mums gave me support...

To get all serious for a moment, I'd say these early experiences contributed hugely to my confidence as an adult - not just my sexual confidence, but my whole sense that I was a person that people liked and were happy to have around. I am still in touch with both of those early boyfriends' mums (30 years on!), and the second boyfriends' sisters became my friends... His family is a valued part of my life still... :) As parents ourselves now, I think it's worth bearing in mind that our reactions and relationships with our children's BFs/GFs can be positive and even important! :)

[xmasevebundle]

Im 19 and if i asked my mum this i would of got a slap around the face!

I would never have sex in my mums house anyway its just no right in my view?

I did live with my ex boyfriend, for 3 months and moved back home(when i was 18).