help!!!

[opher]

i have a 13 yr old son who refuses to help around the house, he believes that his does not need to contribute to the maintanence or general running of the house. This is probably my own fault as i have never really pushed him to help but feel that at his age he should start to be involved and learn important skills for when he is older. Can anyone give adivce on how to go about this or what their children do at this age. many thanks

[suedpantsoffem]

He's probably desperate for money most of the time, so I agree that chores for money is the best way - as long as you don't then buy him stuff he wants anyway. For example, I would only buy essential clothing, and tell him he has to earn anything fashionable.
You'll have to be strict! :)

[flow4]

Pay him.
If you get really desperate, link every single penny to a chore.
Announce "I have decided you need to help out more. I hope you'll do it willingly: will you take the bins out now (or whatever) please?" Then either "Great, thanks", or "No? Oh well. All your allowance from now on will be linked to jobs. X£/p per day if you do Y and Z; nothing if you don't".
Stick to it!

[WingingItBadly]

Don't expect miracles especially as it sounds like you've left it late.

Stick to easy quick things but have clear reward/sanctions. My ds had to:

• put the bins out and bring them back or lose half of his allowance tgat week
• return cups and crockery to the kitchen and put them in the dishwasher before going to bed or be banned from taking food upstairs
• put his laundry in the basket or have no clean sports kit when he needs it
• keep the toilet clean after he had used it or get dragged back to clean it up regardless of whether his friends are there

Other sanctions - no allowance, no lifts, and worst of all a talk! Dh, me and him in the kitchen with the door closed for twenty minutes!! No shouting - patient explanation of how we feel about his behaviour is far worse - a form of torture judging by how he squirms. Important that it is both of us.

[MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay]

I have used the following methods with various degrees of success : (I have 4 children now aged 15-20)

1. the ROTA. Typed in bold stating job to be done and date ..I had to rotate my kids and jobs. This worked really well until they started getting saturday jobs and didn't need pocket money for jobs completed!
   
   
2. the 'Im not doing anything for you until you have done X Y Z' method. This can include lifts to friends/sports clubs or washing their kit ..yes 13 yr olds CAN find the washing bin and operate washing machines I still use this, and in fact DS1 who is 19, is cleaning the bathroom as I type as I just lent him £30.....
   
   
3. failing that the epic sobbing tantrum, where you announce you have had ENOUGH of doing it all and are off to spend a night in a hotel/shed/getting pissed in your bedroom. I don't do this VERY often but now and again it is very therapeutic for me and guilts them temporarily into action!
   
   I have 3 teens at home and the 20 year old ,who much as I love her, is Stig of the Dump, home from University and my house is a TIP if I don't make them help. Two are at home all day (Uni and post A level girls) and it's still an uphill battle to get them to keep the place half decent while I'm at work!
   
   Good luck.. get training him now

[AllPastYears]

I'd focus first on the things that directly affect him (cooking, washing etc) - I'll bet he doesn't care about cleaning .

[SecretSquirrels]

Well it's hard to start from scratch at 13 but never too late. Mine are fine with chores such as changing beds, getting meals ready, cleaning the bathroom, cutting the grass etc.
Maintenance is another matter. My DH never learned how to operate a screwdriver so any DIY is done by me and my skills are limited, otherwise we have to get a man in. My lovely FIL was very handy but never passed that on to his son.