Would you confront him or leave? Help please

[MrsDg52]

My husband of 35 years this year has done cocaine and although he said he wouldn't take it again, he lied after I put a kids Tracker on his phone…he apologised and found our about the tracker and we got over this, he also lied when he stayed at the pub drinking all night. My adult kids were upset and he promised them too he would never do this again. Now he's being really secretive with his phone and I've just found a load of porn sites on the home iPad Different dates and times)…it's the same person and they have an only fans account…he's very secretive about money and has recently used Viagra which has helped our sex life…but these have also gone missing.. which he hasn't used on me. My daughter is pregnant after miscarriages and my son's relationship has broken down so I don't want to stress my children out…we have a holiday booked next week…do I leave it and just see if it continues…or confront him…I'm absolutely gutted and this year has been the worse year of my life but the constant lying is getting me down..is this a middle life crisis he's going through?

[MrsDg52]

Any advice would be appreciated as I'm getting so stressed with this and feel I can't talk to anyone

[Stomacharmeleon]

I would ask for this to be moved to relationships as I think you would get more help. I am sorry he is choosing to behave like this though. He needs to grow up.

[Wolfiefan]

But would confronting him change his behaviour?

[StikeandRobin]

I’m not sure I could continue to live with someone who behaved in this way.
The drugs, the lies, the only fans, the Viagra… Not stressing your adult children out is not a good reason to stay quiet and put up with that sort of behaviour.
You deserve better. I’m sorry you are having to deal with this

[MrsDg52]

Thank you so much this has helped me so much I will try and move to relationships.. thanks again.. You don't realise how much you need or a listening ear when you need someone.. so appreciated 🤗

[JessesMum777888]

Until they hit rock bottom , and I mean rock rock bottom they don’t change. Even then they have to want to… doesn’t matter how much we love them we deserve more. Good luck xxx private message if you want xx

[MrsDg52]

I don't know.. he says he loves me and the kids and we are a unit and are united..but then he does this😓 and tells me he can't wait for grandchildren..he's so loving with us all ...that's why its breaking my heart..😑

[MrsDg52]

Thank you.. I know...it's over.. even when I mentioned to my 25 year old daughter that the bag of white stuff I found was something else .. what a fool and now the girl he's looking at is the same age as my daughter.....that hurts ...

[MrsDg52]

And I can never mention as it will kill them.. they know about the coke.. but even if he is just looking..or more 🤔 ffs she's the same age as my daughter..makes me feel sick..but heartbroken as I can never mention it.. they worship their Dad he has sad upbringing x

[LoveGherkins]

Sorry, didn't want just to read and leave. Just wanted to share my support for you. I can understand how devastating this must be.

I would confront him. But just be dead serious about it. You don't necessarily need to say anything about it to kids yet. Let them live their lives for now. Confront him and see what happens. The decision will come to you for sure. But living the life being upset and not talking to him about it is no good for neither of you.

Big hug. You will be ok at the end 🌺

[MrsDg52]

Yes I'm going to.. thank you, I think I posted on the wrong forum.. still learning..but reaching out has been so helpful when you can't share with family and friends and I will try and give freindly words to others.. not advice as I (after 35 years) have still been naïve to it all.. thanks xxx

[LoveGherkins]

It's ok to be naïve. At least you have been true to yourself and should be proud of that. It's his turn now to make changes. And if he doesn't then you know what you need to do xx

[MrsDg52]

I know..still feels surreal...but thank you.. I'm learning xx