I have 2 SKs who we have full time. They still see their mum eow and one evening a week for dinner. DH and I also have 2 children together.
The short version of my question is that tonight oldest DSS informed me that his dad was opening a bank account for him which he (DH) would be putting money into every month. I asked DH if he would be doing this for all the children and he got pissed with me for asking. He did say that when the children reach DSSs age then he will, which to me is fair enough, but DH thinks I was wrong for asking in the first place. Should I just not have said anything? I don't think that it was an unreasonable question.
The background to this that maybe has made me slightly sensitive to it all is that
something that has always bothered me is the very obvious favouritism towards DSC by DH's mum. All 4 children are her biological grandchildren yet she will make plans to take out and come to see DSSs but not our DDs, she will only ever spend time with DDs if we ask her to watch them for something yet will invite DSSs for sleepovers and days out, take them for lunches, dinners and to the cinema, etc. I feel like it sucks for my DDs but luckily my own parents are very involved and so on that front my DDs don't miss out on a positive, close relationship with their other grandparents.
Another aspect of this is that MIL and FIL will both frequently give money to DSSs (they are not together so they each give the money separately). FIL used to always say that any money he gave should be split between DSSs and DD1 equally however when we had DD2 he started to say that it was for DSSs to split between them only. MIL has always just given the money to DSSs. PILs have a bank account for oldest DSS that they each put money into every month. They have not done this for any of the other grandchildren. Funnily enough my own parents will always give equally to all the children, even though DSSs are not their biological grandchildren, if they have ever given any money to one then they give equal amounts to all (unless a birthday so only one is getting a gift- saying that, when it is one of DSSs birthdays, MIL will usually buy them both a gift, but DDs dont get anything- im glad for this as I think it's important for children to learn but it shows another example of how she treats them all differently). Even my own grandmother and aunts and uncles give money to all the children equally, they treat DSSs as part of their own family (which I am thankful for because we are a close family) but it feels like PILs act like only DSSs are their grandchildren. I once even saw a message from MIL to DH saying something to the effect of "DDs are lovely girls but DSSs are my grandsons".
I dread the day that my DDs ever realise that they are treated differently by PILs and I think I worried that DH opening this account for only oldest DSS was going to be a continuation of that, hence why I wanted to ask and know that it would be done fairly.
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Should I not have asked this?
Awaydays · 07/04/2024 00:30
CRE2024 · 07/04/2024 00:40
Honestly, the minute I saw that text is the minute I would have told my husband that his parents would no longer be welcome in my home or to see my children. It is abhorrent to favour children in this way. It can lead to real problems with self-esteem but can also really damage sibling relationships.
Has your husband ever challenged his parents and their awful attitude?
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/04/2024 00:50
She’s a complete bitch. And your husband is spineless and pathetic to let her treat your younger two so unfairly and nastily. This will be enormously damaging to them in future if not already.
Of course you should ask that question. When talking to your husband you can ask anything! If you can’t there are bigger problems.
Are your kids being treated worse because their parents are still together? I’d be asking him if he’ll treat the younger two better if you divorce him.
CRE2024 · 07/04/2024 00:43
As for the account... I can see why you would be concerned given the history. I see no reason not to open all of the children accounts at the same time. If he wants to bump up the eldest account in time to make sure all children get an equal amount then that can be done.
Pinkpinkpink15 · 07/04/2024 01:12
@CRE2024
i was thinking it's just a current account with a little bit if money for some sweets, drink from the shop type thing. Quite normal to set up these days. Just pocket money and a card as they're likely travelling independently come September.
not a savings account with 'proper' money
@Awaydays can you confirm?
CRE2024 · 07/04/2024 00:43
As for the account... I can see why you would be concerned given the history. I see no reason not to open all of the children accounts at the same time. If he wants to bump up the eldest account in time to make sure all children get an equal amount then that can be done.
Pinkpinkpink15 · 07/04/2024 01:19
I think it's disgraceful behaviour
was DH married when he had the boys?
were you married when you had the girls?
just looking for any differences to account for it.
crumblingschools · 07/04/2024 01:16
What is the age difference? Is it a boy/girl thing?
crumblingschools · 07/04/2024 01:16
What is the age difference? Is it a boy/girl thing?
PinkArt · 07/04/2024 01:25
It very much sounds like a boy/ girl thing, which is fucking depressing.
OP its so lovely that your side of the family treat your step kids the same as your biological kids but are they aware they are the only ones treating everyone equally? If I was them and I knew I wouldn't stop Christmas presents etc but I'd sure as hell try to do what I could to balance the lack of savings they're likely to have as they reach adulthood.
What awful behaviour from your husband and his family.
crumblingschools · 07/04/2024 01:16
What is the age difference? Is it a boy/girl thing?
Awaydays · 07/04/2024 01:20
I'm not sure in all honesty. I think it's for spending money for things like that but he will be starting with ÂŁ300 in the account although I'm not sure how much DH will put in each month.
Pinkpinkpink15 · 07/04/2024 01:12
@CRE2024
i was thinking it's just a current account with a little bit if money for some sweets, drink from the shop type thing. Quite normal to set up these days. Just pocket money and a card as they're likely travelling independently come September.
not a savings account with 'proper' money
@Awaydays can you confirm?
CRE2024 · 07/04/2024 00:43
As for the account... I can see why you would be concerned given the history. I see no reason not to open all of the children accounts at the same time. If he wants to bump up the eldest account in time to make sure all children get an equal amount then that can be done.
Awaydays · 07/04/2024 01:25
And no to both.
They have definitely been through a lot with their mum though, hence why they live with us now. I think that's why DH doesn't do or say anything, because he thinks MIL is trying to make up for what they have missed out on with their mum. In the past when I've mentioned it to him he has tried telling me that I should see it as a compliment because his mum thinks DDs are so happy and settled with me that she doesn't want to take them away whereas she has always wanted to get the boys away from their mum. She has told me in the past that she felt like she needed to make up for the lack of maternal care and nurture that they received from their mum.
Pinkpinkpink15 · 07/04/2024 01:19
I think it's disgraceful behaviour
was DH married when he had the boys?
were you married when you had the girls?
just looking for any differences to account for it.
Meadowfinch · 07/04/2024 02:52
The account question is a bit strange to my mind. Is your eldest step child an early teen? Bank accounts with a debit card are appropriate at a certain age, and are the norm. I assume your dh is just starting that process with his eldest and all of them will get there eventually.
As for the money from ILs, it sounds like they are trying to compensate for your older two having their parents split up. Providing pocket money for 4 is expensive so they are prioritising the two they feel are most vulnerable.
Misguided perhaps but not spiteful. I'd let it go. Any money that will help with uni is welcome, wherever it comes from.
Halfemptyhalfling · 07/04/2024 09:08
Do the dss have contact and active support from their mum's parents?. If not mil might be making up for that as she knows your parents are supporting. She might also be better with older children. Also she has probably known them long er than she's known you.
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