Should I not have asked this?

[Awaydays]

I have 2 SKs who we have full time. They still see their mum eow and one evening a week for dinner. DH and I also have 2 children together.

The short version of my question is that tonight oldest DSS informed me that his dad was opening a bank account for him which he (DH) would be putting money into every month. I asked DH if he would be doing this for all the children and he got pissed with me for asking. He did say that when the children reach DSSs age then he will, which to me is fair enough, but DH thinks I was wrong for asking in the first place. Should I just not have said anything? I don't think that it was an unreasonable question.

The background to this that maybe has made me slightly sensitive to it all is that
something that has always bothered me is the very obvious favouritism towards DSC by DH's mum. All 4 children are her biological grandchildren yet she will make plans to take out and come to see DSSs but not our DDs, she will only ever spend time with DDs if we ask her to watch them for something yet will invite DSSs for sleepovers and days out, take them for lunches, dinners and to the cinema, etc. I feel like it sucks for my DDs but luckily my own parents are very involved and so on that front my DDs don't miss out on a positive, close relationship with their other grandparents.

Another aspect of this is that MIL and FIL will both frequently give money to DSSs (they are not together so they each give the money separately). FIL used to always say that any money he gave should be split between DSSs and DD1 equally however when we had DD2 he started to say that it was for DSSs to split between them only. MIL has always just given the money to DSSs. PILs have a bank account for oldest DSS that they each put money into every month. They have not done this for any of the other grandchildren. Funnily enough my own parents will always give equally to all the children, even though DSSs are not their biological grandchildren, if they have ever given any money to one then they give equal amounts to all (unless a birthday so only one is getting a gift- saying that, when it is one of DSSs birthdays, MIL will usually buy them both a gift, but DDs dont get anything- im glad for this as I think it's important for children to learn but it shows another example of how she treats them all differently). Even my own grandmother and aunts and uncles give money to all the children equally, they treat DSSs as part of their own family (which I am thankful for because we are a close family) but it feels like PILs act like only DSSs are their grandchildren. I once even saw a message from MIL to DH saying something to the effect of "DDs are lovely girls but DSSs are my grandsons".

I dread the day that my DDs ever realise that they are treated differently by PILs and I think I worried that DH opening this account for only oldest DSS was going to be a continuation of that, hence why I wanted to ask and know that it would be done fairly.

Honestly, the minute I saw that text is the minute I would have told my husband that his parents would no longer be welcome in my home or to see my children. It is abhorrent to favour children in this way. It can lead to real problems with self-esteem but can also really damage sibling relationships.

Has your husband ever challenged his parents and their awful attitude?

As for the account... I can see why you would be concerned given the history. I see no reason not to open all of the children accounts at the same time. If he wants to bump up the eldest account in time to make sure all children get an equal amount then that can be done.

She’s a complete bitch. And your husband is spineless and pathetic to let her treat your younger two so unfairly and nastily. This will be enormously damaging to them in future if not already.

Of course you should ask that question. When talking to your husband you can ask anything! If you can’t there are bigger problems.

Are your kids being treated worse because their parents are still together? I’d be asking him if he’ll treat the younger two better if you divorce him.

I probably should have done that but instead it made me grateful that DDs weren't spending much time with her. Those weren't her exact words so they maybe weren't quite as blunt but it definitely gave away her mentality when it comes to the grandchildren. The text was very ranty and garbled about a bunch of different things (basically DH and I were talking about moving closer to my parents at the time and she was kicking off about us taking DSSs away from her). It read like she was very drunk and DH just replied saying he would talk to her when she was sober, she said that she was sober and at work.

No he has never challenged them on it. I don't think he sees it himself to be honest.

I think a big part of it is because before DSSs came to live with us, their mum blocked contact for a long time. They were living in bad circumstances with their mum and so MIL likes to talk about how their mum couldn't look after them properly and so she would always be taking them away for overnights and days out to get them away from their mum (this was before their mum stopped contact) so I don't know if this is maybe a continuation of that? She doesn't even actually take DSSs all that often, maybe every couple of months, but it's just that when she does it's only ever them.

She has however made comments and digs about me not allowing DDs to go with anyone else, I think this may be the narrative that she has tried to create with others as to why she only has DSSs and not DDs, but it's just not true. My DPs take them out all the time, they've not had overnights without me yet but can easily go for days out.

@CRE2024

i was thinking it's just a current account with a little bit if money for some sweets, drink from the shop type thing. Quite normal to set up these days. Just pocket money and a card as they're likely travelling independently come September.

not a savings account with 'proper' money

@Awaydays can you confirm?

What is the age difference? Is it a boy/girl thing?

I think it's disgraceful behaviour

was DH married when he had the boys?
were you married when you had the girls?

just looking for any differences to account for it.

I'm not sure in all honesty. I think it's for spending money for things like that but he will be starting with £300 in the account although I'm not sure how much DH will put in each month.

And no to both.

They have definitely been through a lot with their mum though, hence why they live with us now. I think that's why DH doesn't do or say anything, because he thinks MIL is trying to make up for what they have missed out on with their mum. In the past when I've mentioned it to him he has tried telling me that I should see it as a compliment because his mum thinks DDs are so happy and settled with me that she doesn't want to take them away whereas she has always wanted to get the boys away from their mum. She has told me in the past that she felt like she needed to make up for the lack of maternal care and nurture that they received from their mum.

It very much sounds like a boy/ girl thing, which is fucking depressing.

OP its so lovely that your side of the family treat your step kids the same as your biological kids but are they aware they are the only ones treating everyone equally? If I was them and I knew I wouldn't stop Christmas presents etc but I'd sure as hell try to do what I could to balance the lack of savings they're likely to have as they reach adulthood.

What awful behaviour from your husband and his family.

There is a 10 year age gap between oldest DSS and my oldest DD, but younger DSS is 5 years younger than oldest.

Another factor could be that DH had a brother who very sadly died as a child, close to oldest DSS's age now. She talks about DSSs as being 'her boys', so it could be something to do with this as she had just two sons, no daughters. I can't imagine what losing a child would do to you.

So there's a lot of different factors at play which may be why she does it, but the end result isn't okay. Up until now I think I have managed to keep it well hidden from DDs, e.g. DSSs are going to granny's for the night but you can't go because we've got X planned or X person visiting to see you. I think the age gap makes it easier to mask for now but I worry about them realising as they get older.

My parents do but it would never make them get the kids anything different because they feel like it's wrong to do that to children, however my mum recently did ask if she could set up savings accounts for DDs. She's not done it yet though but I think that was her way of trying to balance things a bit without it being obvious to the kids.

The account question is a bit strange to my mind. Is your eldest step child an early teen? Bank accounts with a debit card are appropriate at a certain age, and are the norm. I assume your dh is just starting that process with his eldest and all of them will get there eventually.

As for the money from ILs, it sounds like they are trying to compensate for your older two having their parents split up. Providing pocket money for 4 is expensive so they are prioritising the two they feel are most vulnerable.

Misguided perhaps but not spiteful. I'd let it go. Any money that will help with uni is welcome, wherever it comes from.

There's a lot of factors in your posts. The first thing that jumped out at me is that DH didn't discuss the DSS money/bank accounts with you. As you've told us more about MIL, it does seem like she's adopted the position of a mother figure for them in their mother's absence, but surely that would be your role. It usually happens when marriages split up and dad relies too much on his mum to play 'house'. Has she got a husband?

What gap was there between the end of his first relationship and you 2 moving in together?

You & DH need to talk more about everything and agree what's what. Avoid any hostility with MIL but she has to step out of having a say in 'the family'.

Your parents spend time with the girls & DH's mum spends time with the boys so that's probably best - sounds equal, 4 children is a lot for grandparents (in my opinion only). MIL probably does feel excluded from time with the girls but if she comes to your house is she ok with them? She shouldn't show any favouritism to any of the kids - if your parents give equal amounts in gifts/money to all 4 kids then that's favourable, sadly not all parents & grandparents are the same and it could cause resentment. Talk to DH about it - then it's on him if he doesn't talk to MIL.

In-laws, grandparents, brothers/sisters, exes - anyone can bring issues with them - families are difficult. Mum & dad should have their house in order, consider those that live under your roof first & foremost.

£300 that's far too much, he needs to start small & learn how to keep the card safe, treat friends occasionally but not show off & spend it all trying to impress kids at school. Make good decisions re spending. Start small.

is it going to be a 'linked' card so DH can see how much & where he's spending if?

@Awaydays

I can see that and I can see how you can be closer to some of your grandchildren than others. But you shouldn't treat them differently.

DH needs to talk to her again. They're ALL his children & it's not fair to spoil the boys & ignore the boys.

Really misguided? All 4 are her grandchildren. If 2 were OP’s children from previous I’d agree with you but all 4 are full grand children? Perhaps OP should tell her family to stop financially contributing to her step kids as they are already getting more than the others.

once even saw a message from MIL to DH saying something to the effect of "DDs are lovely girls but DSSs are my grandsons".

WOAH

Do the dss have contact and active support from their mum's parents?. If not mil might be making up for that as she knows your parents are supporting. She might also be better with older children. Also she has probably known them long er than she's known you.

I think it’s probably a boy/ girl thing. I had with my ex in laws especially ex mil.
I had boys so it was the other way round with ours. But all the dgd were not treated the same. It’s awful.

What in the hellfire logic is this?
OP doesn't want her PIL to open her a kiddie savings account or take her for the odd day out. She wants them to equally care for all of their own grandchildren, regardless of how they've know the eldest longer.
OP I get it, I went scorched earth with my MIL for this exact bullshit.