Meeting the ex wife - practical advice

[Hotchocnomarshmallows]

Practical advice please. What can I do to make this easier? Make me feel less nervous and that I am a downgrade or not as good

She has requested an introduction and I understand it’s the right thing to do. We don’t cross over week to week because of her work. There will be a crossover at the end of April so I want to be prepared. I’m ND and can be a bull in a china shop or panic and say stupid things. I want to be calm and in control 😩

She's an ex, why do you have to meet her, is it because of children.

@TraitorsGate yes, primary aged children. I’ve read threads here with opinions split between it’s not necessary, what’s the benefit, it’s controlling alongside it’s a nice thing to do, great if everyone can be civil or get on, it’s practical etc

I’m going to do it so looking for advice on how to make me feel better about myself and doing it

I think op, all you can really do is be yourself, be kind, friendly and respectful. If she has questions be honest as long as they aren't too invasive and make you feel uncomfortable. I would err on the side that it's positive to meet each other and I'd try to take things in good faith until she gives you a reason to see it otherwise. The most important thing is probably remembering that it's not a competition. You'll both have positive and negative qualities. Your partner has chosen and continues to choose to be with you. So comparing yourself with her is a pointless exercise.

If she wants to meet you that's fine, personally I would invite her to your house for tea, being in your own home would give you confidence, she probably just wants to make sure the children are safe and happy with you, what does your partner think.

Does your DP and his ex have a good relationship? I'd say meeting is only really a good idea if the situation isn't high conflict. Are you meeting for a coffee or just going to say hi at handover?

They have a good relationship and he sees it as a natural step. He is supportive of me and how I think about things like this.

It’s not practical to invite her over for tea so it would be a drop off hello as a start.

We done this.
They've been first separated for veeeeeery long and then divorced for quite a long time before I met my husband.
They have a daughter together and do proper 50:50 child care. She came to us as we lived together, we had a tea a bit of chit chat and that was it. It was probably very helpful that when they split up it was mutual and no bad blood between them.
I see her every now and then when dropping the kid around as we share that depending what we do work wise. I see her at sport events, dance shows etc etc. We are by no means best friends but all of us collectively make it work to make everyone's life easier :)

I think this is fine. A brief hello. That's great he has a good relationship with her. It should make things so much easier. I wish this was the case for our situation but sadly not.

Appreciate the replies - any practical advice on how to manage it?
It will happen as above, that’s been arranged, I’m looking for help on how to make it easier for me

That's how it went for me - she came in while dropping kid around ( pre arranged of course) we exchanged all plesentaries. I asked if she prefers tea or coffee and I cracked on with making drinks while they been taking about the childcare arrangements for next week.
When I brought the drinks I asked her how is she getting on with WFH etc (it was during Covid when we could see our household bubbles ofc!) we spoke about work and just in general what's going on. It felt more like a chit chat with a random work colleague in the office kitchen 😂😂😂😂 although I was nervous. She finished her drink and was on her way. It's hard to say what she will say or ask but from your side just keep it friendly and simple that's the only advise I can give. You'll be fine x

Just say hello nice to meet you I'm Hotchocnomarshmallows. Then wait for her response and get back in the car

If they have a good relationship, the xw can trust her xh's judgement.
She wants to interview you to get a sense of you, which is bound to make you feel under scrutiny. I'd just say hello. Don't try to showcase in an instant what it will take a longer time to show.

Yes agree just wait for her to "do the work". Say hello, be calm, wait for her to keep the conversation moving. She wants a sense of you? Be calm. Let her do the heavy social lifting.

Have a list of (boring) questions prepared in your head, I'm guessing the crossover is holiday time? So "what's the weather looking like in [your holiday destination]" or "how was your break" - questions you'd get asked at the hairdressers basically. Anything so it isn't awkward but so generic as to not look like you're prying - I don't agree with the "let her do the conversational heavy-lifting" as that could make you look a bit unfriendly.

Have your list of 4 or 5 questions ready and if the conversation stalls, you have something ready. Be open and friendly, as you would when you meet anyone new, but don't build it up too much in your head - it'll be 5 minutes and done.

I met my exh’s partner naturally when I was dropping the dc off. No over-thinking or planning, just a “hi” and polite chat when I saw her for the first time.

same with my ex meeting my partner. He just happened to be here, they said hi.

We all had a drink together at Xmas actually at my ex’s house which was fine.

my dc are now teenagers so no real ‘need’ for us all to get on but it just makes life easier.

I’d say just keep it as natural as possible…I don’t really understand this request to meet a new partner. What is she going to find out about you from a 5 min meeting? It sounds like you already have contact with her children anyway? I think it’s more intrigue/nosiness!

She’s requested a meeting, she hasn’t demanded it. Seems pretty reasonable to me to keep relationships open and amicable. SP is spending slot of time with the kids.

She doesn’t have to ‘approve’ you, OP. Just say hello and sit back. If she requested the meeting, she can run with the niceties.

You don’t have to meet her if you really don’t want to. It’s nice to do, it’s not essential.

I didnt mean be unfriendly @Menstrualcycledisplayteam , but read the op's admission that she doesn't want to say too much of nothing. Having adhd, I understand this. Ex wife instigated the meeting, so my advice was to remember that and not try tooooo hard. Answer questions, ask one or two, but if there's a silence op, @Hotchocnomarshmallows it's not yr job to fix that. You mentioned that you're nd. you have to consciously zoom out sometimes in a way that is unconsciously done for most people.

A younger me in this situation would have chattered away madly just to fill the awkwardness, older me now would zoom out first, think, well, I'll happily answer questions and pose a few in return, but zoom out, remember, t's not my job to put everybody else at their ease. That's not being unfriendly. Also, being perceived to be too friendly can lead to people pegging you on the people pleaser heap.

Op wanted advice based on not chattering away revealing nervousness and eccentricity, that was my perception.

If they get on OK then it's probably not so bad, just keep it short and sweet.

I met my partners ex wife and omg it was awful. She used it to control, score points and be a turd. I stood up for myself and said I hadn't come to be given a rule book, I appreciate her worries and I assure her I am not trying to replace her but under no circumstances will I accept the way she is speaking to me and so I will set a boundary now and leave. She was furious.

And so began lengthy and multiple court cases 🙃

Just remember you don’t need to impress her, you are not her subordinate. If she’s a decent person she will try just as hard as you to get on. It’s a difficult and trying situation for all - only complete arseholes make it difficult (direct experience).

Keep conversation light and simple. Be mildly complimentary about her dcs but not too much.

Keep it short too. Have a hard end to the meeting, such as 'meeting your mum in 20 mins' etc.

Don't discuss your partner.

If she doesn't like you, don't take it personally. Just treat her like you would any other stranger or acquaintance you occasionally must interact with. Polite and friendly. Don't have any expectations for more.

Just be yourself . I met the ex we got on ok then her and DP had a disagreement a year ago she doesn’t talk to me anymore and has blocked me fine by me i don’t need to be her friend and i don’t care when she thinks about me in her jealous head. I much prefer her not being involved in my life.

Why would you need to meet her at all??

Interacting or meeting is only necessary in cases involving serious matters like death, illness, partner's incarceration, hospitalization, accidental encounters, etc.

Parenting decisions and discussions should exclusively involve the biological parents. Stepparents should respect these decisions, offer additional support to the children, and refrain from making impulsive parenting choices without consulting their partner. It's often appropriate to direct children to seek approval from their parents for certain matters, as stepparents typically lack authority.

Maintaining each other's contact information is crucial for emergencies when the partner is unavailable to provide immediate assistance.

These practices foster a cohesive and respectful dynamic among partners and children. Demonstrating respect for the biological parents' roles and leadership can help build a positive relationship with the children.

While a request may be made, it's acceptable to decline if it doesn't align with one's comfort level or boundaries.

If the ex-partner trusts the other parent's judgment in selecting a partner (unless the child indicates otherwise), there should be a level of confidence in the partner's suitability to be around the child.

The request to meet may stem from feelings of competition, a desire to assess the new partner, or lingering emotional attachment to the ex-partner. There could be a motive to disrupt the relationship through deception or intimidation, possibly to instill fear and pressure the new partner to leave the family alone.