Long story short, my wonderful partner and I have been together 18 months now and I have 2 young boys (3 & 5) from a previous relationship. DP has communicated that he feels somewhat left out of the family unit I have with my kids, I tend to take over (obviously) with all the usual 'parent' jobs (school runs, bath time, dinner, bed time etc) and I'm struggling to let go of control and let him help, as the kids can be difficult plus I just know the routine better as their Mum. What level of involvement do other step parents have with the kids and how can I make him feel more involved? I very much think of the 4 of us as a family, and feel really sad that he feels left out! He is a huge part of their life and they adore him, but he wants to play a more practical part and share some of the load.
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Step-parenting
Step dads and involvement with the kids
wtfisthisplease · 25/03/2024 11:48
harriethoyle · 25/03/2024 11:59
He's not a step parent either legally or practically - after only 18 months, he shouldn't have a parental role, and, arguably, never should. I can count on the fingers of one hand the "parenting" I have done for my DSD, 6 years in. They have two parents, they don't need a third.
Ihatethenewlook · 25/03/2024 15:39
Eew. He sounds like a jealous child. He can get more involved by letting your relationships develop naturally, and having the kids become more comfortable with him doing things with him. What does he want you to do? Make a sticker chart of jobs he gets to do with your children so he doesn’t feel left out?
AnneLovesGilbert · 25/03/2024 15:45
I naturally tend to do more for the kids but I think it’s because I’m a woman. I will make sure meals are made / thought of in advance, clothes cleaned, bath times prompted, bed times agreed and upheld
Literally like feminism never happened 🤯🤦♀️
How did he cope before you arrived like Mary Poppins to assist him with keeping the children he chose to have clean and fed?
EG94 · 25/03/2024 15:52
I never said he didn’t manage before me, it was just a bit more slack and due to me being more organised and naturally have the kind of caring instinct which comes a lot easier to women I kinda just took that on.
thanks for your interpretation that this make me less of a woman tho. 👍🏼
AnneLovesGilbert · 25/03/2024 15:45
I naturally tend to do more for the kids but I think it’s because I’m a woman. I will make sure meals are made / thought of in advance, clothes cleaned, bath times prompted, bed times agreed and upheld
Literally like feminism never happened 🤯🤦♀️
How did he cope before you arrived like Mary Poppins to assist him with keeping the children he chose to have clean and fed?
EG94 · 25/03/2024 15:52
I never said he didn’t manage before me, it was just a bit more slack and due to me being more organised and naturally have the kind of caring instinct which comes a lot easier to women I kinda just took that on.
thanks for your interpretation that this make me less of a woman tho. 👍🏼
AnneLovesGilbert · 25/03/2024 15:45
I naturally tend to do more for the kids but I think it’s because I’m a woman. I will make sure meals are made / thought of in advance, clothes cleaned, bath times prompted, bed times agreed and upheld
Literally like feminism never happened 🤯🤦♀️
How did he cope before you arrived like Mary Poppins to assist him with keeping the children he chose to have clean and fed?
DaisyHaites · 25/03/2024 17:03
Doesn’t make you less of a woman, but I resent the inference that you are less of a woman if you’re not organised and caring.
There’s an immediate interesting dichotomy on MN between step mums who parent after 5 minutes (I’m exaggerating, obviously) and step dads who might barely be considered a responsible adult after 5 years, which makes me despair how entrenched gender roles still are.
I think 18 months is too early to be living together, much less parenting and I would let it naturally evolve over time. You set the boundaries and rules as parent, but allow your DP to enforce these. You are only ever delegating to him though, and he shouldn’t ever expect to be your equal in a parenting role.
EG94 · 25/03/2024 15:52
I never said he didn’t manage before me, it was just a bit more slack and due to me being more organised and naturally have the kind of caring instinct which comes a lot easier to women I kinda just took that on.
thanks for your interpretation that this make me less of a woman tho. 👍🏼
AnneLovesGilbert · 25/03/2024 15:45
I naturally tend to do more for the kids but I think it’s because I’m a woman. I will make sure meals are made / thought of in advance, clothes cleaned, bath times prompted, bed times agreed and upheld
Literally like feminism never happened 🤯🤦♀️
How did he cope before you arrived like Mary Poppins to assist him with keeping the children he chose to have clean and fed?
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Rainydays332 · 25/03/2024 15:54
You’ve only been together 18 months and have very young children that aren’t his. What’s the rush with taking on a parenting role, I think he should take a step back tbh.
EG94 · 25/03/2024 17:31
it was implied because I do the general stuff I’m not a feminist. I am a strong independent woman, I’m the main breadwinner, I own my own home in my own name. Just because I assume the typical female role and frankly do it better than my partner that’s a negative. Some random stranger saying my partner letting me do what I do makes him less of a man.
Fucking joke, no matter what you do as SM you’re wrong. You care and try to make it feel like home for home you’re wrong, you detest the kids you’re wrong. 🤷🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️ half the posters aren’t even step parents but still believe they have such well formed opinions on situations they don’t understand.
I don’t think it’s about being equal because we never will be. That said my step kids come to my house and therefore i enforce the rules in my house. me and my partner have our own way of doing things that works for us and the kids. Funnily enough me and my partner we’re talking just now about how much his kids have come along and how they’re self awareness has improved since me entering their lives. He said he feels his boys feel comfortable enough to be themselves and he loves the family dynamic we have.
I came to MN to find a platform to share support and receive support / idea because being a step parent is hard. Just full of ill informed people who make sly digs all the time. Waste of time!
DaisyHaites · 25/03/2024 17:03
Doesn’t make you less of a woman, but I resent the inference that you are less of a woman if you’re not organised and caring.
There’s an immediate interesting dichotomy on MN between step mums who parent after 5 minutes (I’m exaggerating, obviously) and step dads who might barely be considered a responsible adult after 5 years, which makes me despair how entrenched gender roles still are.
I think 18 months is too early to be living together, much less parenting and I would let it naturally evolve over time. You set the boundaries and rules as parent, but allow your DP to enforce these. You are only ever delegating to him though, and he shouldn’t ever expect to be your equal in a parenting role.
EG94 · 25/03/2024 15:52
I never said he didn’t manage before me, it was just a bit more slack and due to me being more organised and naturally have the kind of caring instinct which comes a lot easier to women I kinda just took that on.
thanks for your interpretation that this make me less of a woman tho. 👍🏼
AnneLovesGilbert · 25/03/2024 15:45
I naturally tend to do more for the kids but I think it’s because I’m a woman. I will make sure meals are made / thought of in advance, clothes cleaned, bath times prompted, bed times agreed and upheld
Literally like feminism never happened 🤯🤦♀️
How did he cope before you arrived like Mary Poppins to assist him with keeping the children he chose to have clean and fed?
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