Step dads and involvement with the kids

[wtfisthisplease]

Long story short, my wonderful partner and I have been together 18 months now and I have 2 young boys (3 & 5) from a previous relationship. DP has communicated that he feels somewhat left out of the family unit I have with my kids, I tend to take over (obviously) with all the usual 'parent' jobs (school runs, bath time, dinner, bed time etc) and I'm struggling to let go of control and let him help, as the kids can be difficult plus I just know the routine better as their Mum. What level of involvement do other step parents have with the kids and how can I make him feel more involved? I very much think of the 4 of us as a family, and feel really sad that he feels left out! He is a huge part of their life and they adore him, but he wants to play a more practical part and share some of the load.

Tell him he can be part of the family unit by supporting you (cook more teas, clean the house when you're doing the bedtime routine, take a share of the mental load) that's sharing the load - he doesn't need to do bath time and bedtime, especially if the kids are difficult and know the routine with you.

You've only been together 18 months, that's not "step dad" territory in my eyes tbh.

He's not a step parent either legally or practically - after only 18 months, he shouldn't have a parental role, and, arguably, never should. I can count on the fingers of one hand the "parenting" I have done for my DSD, 6 years in. They have two parents, they don't need a third.

What’s he after specifically? How long have you lived together?

I do most of the school runs for my DSD6 as I work from home so it's easier for me to do it. DH does bath and bed but I do it on the odd occasion he has something else on or is unwell or whatever. I do activities with her such as baking, going out for coffee (hot choc). I take her to her hobbies. I'm quite involved and DH treats me as an equal parent so he trusts me to make decisions and discipline when needed. I've been in DSDs life for 3 years.

Could he perhaps take them for a boys day out or something? Let you put your feet up for a couple of hours? Would you trust him to take them both out on his own?

Maybe he could do some bedtime stories once you've got them into bed. There's lots he could do that doesn't necessarily take away from what you do. A game of football in the garden, painting, play with them.

Has he said there's anything in particular he wants to get involved with?

That's your situation. Everyone is different though. I would say I definitely had a parenting role after 18 months.

My partner has said from day dot that I am free to parent his children so long as I don’t shout or swear. I don’t do this. I naturally tend to do more for the kids but I think it’s because I’m a woman. I will make sure meals are made / thought of in advance, clothes cleaned, bath times prompted, bed times agreed and upheld. I couldn’t imagine being with him if I wasn’t allowed a say in things. They come to my home so I believe being involved is a must

Eew. He sounds like a jealous child. He can get more involved by letting your relationships develop naturally, and having the kids become more comfortable with him doing things with him. What does he want you to do? Make a sticker chart of jobs he gets to do with your children so he doesn’t feel left out?

He sounds like nothing of the sort.

I naturally tend to do more for the kids but I think it’s because I’m a woman. I will make sure meals are made / thought of in advance, clothes cleaned, bath times prompted, bed times agreed and upheld

Literally like feminism never happened 🤯🤦‍♀️

How did he cope before you arrived like Mary Poppins to assist him with keeping the children he chose to have clean and fed?

I never said he didn’t manage before me, it was just a bit more slack and due to me being more organised and naturally have the kind of caring instinct which comes a lot easier to women I kinda just took that on.

thanks for your interpretation that this make me less of a woman tho. 👍🏼

You’ve only been together 18 months and have very young children that aren’t his. What’s the rush with taking on a parenting role, I think he should take a step back tbh.

It doesn’t, it makes him less of a man/dad.

The relationship is young, your children are young. He could walk away without a backwards glance, and for his own sake, you could remove him from their lives in a heartbeat.

Let things evolve naturally over time.

Well, what is he doing?

He can cook more. He can clean more (not directly a thing 'with the kids', maybe, but a contribution to family life). Does he play with the children? Maybe he can do some school runs, which will save you some inconvenience too.

Doesn’t make you less of a woman, but I resent the inference that you are less of a woman if you’re not organised and caring.

There’s an immediate interesting dichotomy on MN between step mums who parent after 5 minutes (I’m exaggerating, obviously) and step dads who might barely be considered a responsible adult after 5 years, which makes me despair how entrenched gender roles still are.

I think 18 months is too early to be living together, much less parenting and I would let it naturally evolve over time. You set the boundaries and rules as parent, but allow your DP to enforce these. You are only ever delegating to him though, and he shouldn’t ever expect to be your equal in a parenting role.

Could you get him to take your older one to a football group. 5 is about the age that kids seem to start. I think personal care should continue to be done by you but building something new that is just him and one of the boys seems a nice thing.

You've been seeing him for 18 months. He's not their stepdad or parent. He's a relatively short term boyfriend of yours. There are literally dozens of threads every week that are cautionary tales for women who want to play pretend with their boyfriends. Spoiler alert - it's the kids who always cop it when it goes badly. Which it very, very often does.

At 18 month into a relationship, I wouldn't consider him a stepfather. If it was me, he'd have only met the kids within the last few months (after minimum of a year of dating), so still be just getting to know them. I'd expect his role with them to be similar to that of a family friend at this point. So maybe meet up for occasional outings together, where he might push them on the swings or keep an eye for a short amount of time while you nip to the toilet. I wouldn't expect any actual parenting until you all live together, which would surely be a couple of years away.

You’ve been together 18 months and considering the age of your children, I’m assuming you either don’t get live together or else he has only just moved in. What is that he wants to go? Why doesn’t he take the children to soft play or the playground on the weekend mornings so you can have a lie in?

it was implied because I do the general stuff I’m not a feminist. I am a strong independent woman, I’m the main breadwinner, I own my own home in my own name. Just because I assume the typical female role and frankly do it better than my partner that’s a negative. Some random stranger saying my partner letting me do what I do makes him less of a man.

Fucking joke, no matter what you do as SM you’re wrong. You care and try to make it feel like home for home you’re wrong, you detest the kids you’re wrong. 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ half the posters aren’t even step parents but still believe they have such well formed opinions on situations they don’t understand.

I don’t think it’s about being equal because we never will be. That said my step kids come to my house and therefore i enforce the rules in my house. me and my partner have our own way of doing things that works for us and the kids. Funnily enough me and my partner we’re talking just now about how much his kids have come along and how they’re self awareness has improved since me entering their lives. He said he feels his boys feel comfortable enough to be themselves and he loves the family dynamic we have.

I came to MN to find a platform to share support and receive support / idea because being a step parent is hard. Just full of ill informed people who make sly digs all the time. Waste of time!

I'd be led by the children on this one. My DP is quite involved now, 2.5 years in, because my daughter is obsessed with him and demands his company and input at every opportunity! I do proactively carve out mummy/dd time that he will make himself scarce for but more often than not she seeks him out to join in. The only things I reliably do alone are bathtime and bedtime. This was all led by her after taking it really slowly for the first 18months - perhaps wait until your children start asking for his involvement and take it from there?

I am a step mum of many years. I’m a big defender of step parents.

My husband was a fully formed parent when we got together. He cooks, cleans, does plaits, paints nails, plays football, does Lego, chooses great gifts, does homework etc and he didn’t need any help with bed times, discipline or meals.

I knew I wanted children of my own when we got together and I wouldn’t have hung around if he’d needed help parenting. One of the few positives of being a step parent before you become a parent is getting to see your partner in action.

My years of knowing step families and being on here and other forums for step parents makes me weary of men who offload parenting onto unsuspecting women who run themselves ragged doing the mum thing because it’s assumed they’re better suited to it as they have a vagina.

Absolutely this. 18 months is way, way too soon for him to have any "parental" type role at all. I would question his reasoning. Why?

"Funnily enough me and my partner we’re talking just now about how much his kids have come along and how they’re self awareness has improved since me entering their lives"

Typical SM who thinks she is saving the kids and she is the hero of the year...

I would be hesitant for him to be taking on actual responsibilities as such - it's still a relatively new relationship and the DC are young. But I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want to be more actively involved and I'm always surprised by the attitude that step parents should barely play any role in their SCs lives.

I'd think that some easy ones he could do that are good, without overstepping, could be things like taking responsibility for cooking their particular favourite meals on certain days, taking on some specific new task eg teaching them to ride a bike or mow the lawn or clean their shoes or whatever it is that is next on their "to do" list. Perhaps a few mornings/afternoons out to do something they all enjoy.

Another thing is for you to start by actively asking him to perform specific tasks when it seems appropriate for you. Eg, if you feel the DC are comfortable enough him and you're busy finishing getting ready you ask him to get the DC's shoes and coats on, pack their water bottles etc. So not necessarily an expectation he'l do these things, but a partnership with you taking the lead.