I have two kids, not we have three

[Cherryberrybonbon]

My partner bumped into an old friend today, not seen since school, conversation is going as it does and friend says is this your little one? Partner says yes I’ve got 2 my other one is older now, I’m stood there mouth drops open and have to walk off because the reality is we have 3. My partner has been in my sons life for 7 of his 12 years, we have another child between us, we live as a family of 4 with my step son spending every other weekend with us. My son doesn’t see his biological father and hasn’t done throughout our relationship, he and my partner get along, he financially provides for him and does the dad part in terms of telling him when he needs to be told, takes him places etc
He has really hurt my feelings, if my son was to hear him say that I know he would be heartbroken and probably react in a bad way. I treat my step son like my own, have a really good relationship with his mom and in a whole were a pretty good “blended family”. When I asked if he always said he had 2 kids he looked stunned like he was thinking oh shit and just said erm ‘it’s just you know’, clearly didn’t know what to say, now I’m in a right mood questioning our whole life together, as you do, am I been ridiculous? Now I’m thinking if he doesn’t think of him as his own, does he love him?

I am a step child to my dad and we’re closer than he is with my brother, my children are his world and he the best dad you could ask for, so I do believe you can love another persons child as your own. I love my step son and we have a great relationship, however it’s a bit different as he still has his mom and I don’t over step, and when people ask me how many I have I always say 3 because we do 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Lorelaigilmore88]

You are being a bit ott. Perhaps he couldn't be bothered to explain his blended to family to a passing acquaintance. If he's an otherwise good dad who treats your son well i wouldn't go on about this.

[lunar1]

He could equally be upset by you describing yourselves as living as a family of four with his eldest coming to stay. I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Sorry you’re upset by what he said. I don’t think he’s done anything wrong, he does have two but it wouldn’t have hurt to say he’s lucky enough to have a step son too, or you have 4 between you or something more inclusive but true.

Do you say you have 3 children when it comes up? How do you refer to your stepson?

Unless he’s adopted your son it’s still the case that if you split up and you didn’t want him to see your son he’d have no right to do so. I’m sure it’s not something you ever think about but it’s still true. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love your son or treat him as his own on a day to day basis. But he isn’t wrong or malicious to honestly say he’s got two kids when someone asks. Have you discussed adoption?

[ChampagneBlossom44]

OP I understand totally that you’re hurt but he’s stated a fact - he has biologically 2 - as you have stated a fact that you live as ‘a family of 4 with his son coming to stay’. Actions speak far louder than words & if he’s providing for your boy & otherwise stepped up as a father figure I’m sure there was no ill intent in what he said, just as you’ve not maliciously left out his son, essentially describing your unit as a ‘family of 4 plus visitor’. It’s good that this has come up today & given you the chance to raise it with him to make yourself understood.

[GrazingSheep]

Do you consider yourself as a parent of 3?
Apologies - edited to say that yes you do.

[Unexpectedlysinglemum]

I would expect someone to say 'I'm a dad of two and a stepdad of one more lovely boy' or something like that

[HunterHearstHelmsley]

We live as a family of 4 with my step son spending every other weekend with us

Seems a touch hypocritical. He said he has two children. You consider your family to have two children.

[Fucketyfecketyfoo]

Sorry OP aren’t you a family of 5?

[Lifestooshort71]

Sorry, bit confused. You and he share one child and you also have a child from a previous relationship and the 4 of you live together? Then he also has a child from a previous relationship who lives elsewhere with mum but comes to stay with you, making a family of 5?

[SuperstarDeejay]

@lunar1

He could equally be upset by you describing yourselves as living as a family of four with his eldest coming to stay. I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it.

Absolutely! What a hypocrite you are, OP.

[SD1978]

It's unnecessary to a passing no one you're having a street conversation with to get into the dynamics of biological and step children. He has 2 kids, he looks after 3. I wouldn't want to get all that explained by someone I hadn't seen in years

[SD1978]

And yes, it's a bit hypocritical that you're a family of 4, when you have a SS who visits.....

[TheNeverEndingTale]

OP isn’t saying they’re a family of 4. She’s saying they LIVE as a family of 4, with stepson spending every other weekend. AKA, 4 people live in the house all of the time and stepson is there every other weekend. The last sentence of her OP literally says she considers herself to have 3 kids.

[PapaIndigoTangoAlpha]

If someone asks me how many children I have I have never included my dsc in the number because they aren't my kids.

[caringcarer]

I get it and I'd be very hurt too. My DH is a wonderful step dad to my 3 DC who are adults now but he helped me bring my youngest 2 up and we have a Foster Son who has been with us since he was 5 years old and he's 17 now. If anyone asks how many DC do you have the answer both of us always gives is always 4. DH has been away this weekend working with DS2. He has spent so many weekends helping DS2 set up his own home and DH has shown him how to do several DIY jobs. He loves the DGC DD has given us and DS1 and his gf are going on holiday with us and FS so everyone gets on well and I know DH loves all 4 DC as do I. If someone asked how many DC do you have and DH said we'll they are not really mine I'd be so hurt and upset. DH has a much better relationship with my DC than their biological Dad does.

[2907fe9166a247bb9ghj3]

Yes you are being ridiculous.

He has 2 kids. He doesn’t have 3.

Iv never included my step child in that question as they are not my child.

[NewName24]

@Lorelaigilmore88

You are being a bit ott. Perhaps he couldn't be bothered to explain his blended to family to a passing acquaintance. If he's an otherwise good dad who treats your son well i wouldn't go on about this.

This.

It isn't someone he is in a close relationship with, he doesn't need to break down the ins and outs. The other chap probably isn't that interested anyway - just felt the need to comment because the little one was there.
You are reading too much into this.

[Sparklecats]

He can love your son and have a good relationship but still feel that he isn’t his father. Just like you are not SS mother.
The biological father being absent is irrelevant. Unless your DH has adopted your child and he is calling him Dad, he is just a step Dad.

[SemperIdem]

I have one child and three step children. When asked, I say I have one child.

My step children are my family, but they’re not my children.

[Pennyforyour]

YABU, he does only have 2 kids.

[ChocolateCakeOverspill]

It’s complicated isn’t it with blended families.

I have two (now adult) kids at home, two adult (moved out) stepkids. The oldest stepchild considers me to be mum the youngest stepchild considers me to be stepmum. How do you answer that in a couple of words without upsetting someone or getting into a whole storytelling session when they’re just being polite?

[Itsonlymashadow]

There was thread on this the other week. People in blended families answer this question in all different ways. But what came across in the thread that there wasn’t one answer that was right or wrong. Or that the answer wasn’t reflective of how much the step parent loved their step children.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

@ChocolateCakeOverspill

It’s complicated isn’t it with blended families.

I have two (now adult) kids at home, two adult (moved out) stepkids. The oldest stepchild considers me to be mum the youngest stepchild considers me to be stepmum. How do you answer that in a couple of words without upsetting someone or getting into a whole storytelling session when they’re just being polite?

It is. Also best not to overestimate how much random people or acquaintances actually care. If you don’t know them well enough that they’re aware you have a child they’re likely even less interested in the details of the rest of your blended family. It’s light small talk.

[AnotherEmma]

The difference is that your son's biological father is not in his life at all, whereas your stepson lives with his mum and sees his dad (your partner) so he has both parents in his life. So your partner is more of a dad to your son whereas you are definitely a stepmum (not mum) to his son. I get it.

Maybe you could use this as an opportunity to talk to your partner about how each of you consider his relationship to your son. You say he's been in his life since he was 5. Would you want your partner to have parental responsibility for your son? That means he would automatically look after him if you died but it also means that if the two of you separated, he would have contact with him and the right to a say in decisions eg about relocating, holidays abroad, etc, and he would have to pay child maintenance too. All the rights and responsibilities of a biological father. Do you want him to have those things? Does he want them? What would your son want, do you think?

[ChocolateCakeOverspill]

@AnneLovesGilbert

It is. Also best not to overestimate how much random people or acquaintances actually care. If you don’t know them well enough that they’re aware you have a child they’re likely even less interested in the details of the rest of your blended family. It’s light small talk.

Exactly!