Not really a step-parenting issue but it involves my stepsons.
I have 2 stepsons who are 16 and 17. 16 year old lives an hour away and he used to visit EOWE and half the holidays but he's not really been coming through since he was about 14. Frequently ignores DHs calls and texts, always has an excuse. Claims he didn't see his text or didn't hear it ring yet when he's here he's never off the thing. He basically only comes through for his birthday and Xmas. DH has pulled him up for it and said he feels like he's just a cash machine to them. But any time there's been any issues at school, DSS is getting bullied, getting into trouble with police etc it's DH he phones and DH goes through as sorts it. His mum is lovely but not very good in a crisis.
My other DSS who's 17 is technically my DHs DSS too but he's raised him since he was 3 and he's calls my DH dad. After DH and his ex split DSS and DSD6 did 50:50 but last September after a few issues with his mum he moved in with us full time. He left school and DH managed to get him a job. We've had issues with laziness and hygiene. Typical teenage boy stuff and DH has spoken to him on several occasions. DSS has been in a good routine, going to work and is chipping in with housework. I thought things were going well. He's never bothered with DHs birthday/Xmas or father's day and has got him a card on occasion. I spoke to DSS a few weeks ago about his dad's birthday coming up and said now that he's earning money it would be nice to get his dad a little something. He said he had already thought about what to get him so I thought great.
It was DHs birthday this week and no card, no gift, he didn't even wish him happy birthday. DH is really quite hurt and had a go at him yesterday about it and told him he was thoughtless and was it too much effort to pop to the shop and spend £2 on a card or a bar of chocolate. DSS had nothing to say for himself. He thinks nothing of spending £100 when it's his girlfriends birthday and managed to get his mum a card and gift for mother's day when she's still not managed to get his provisional licence that was supposed to be his birthday present in January. He even got me a mother's day card and a bar of chocolate so it makes no sense that he didn't acknowledge DHs birthday at all. DH is tying himself in knots trying to work out what he's done wrong.
He didn't hear from DSS16 either. Not text no call. Nothing. He's devastated.
My DH is a brilliant dad. The kids want for nothing but he's never been a Disney dad and has always had consequences for bad behaviour, he's always tried to teach them good life lessons, work ethic etc. He really tries his best and he feels like it's all been thrown back in his face.
We have paid a deposit for a summer holiday which is costing a small fortune. DH is now questioning whether we should even take the boys. We booked it at the start of the year. DSS17 had been doing well in his new job and helping out at home and DSS16 had been making more of an effort to come through (albeit over Xmas and NY period). He ended up staying longer than planned and promised to come through more often. We haven't seen him since NY.
I feel like they always say the right things, what they think we want to hear but when it comes to it they just can't be arsed making any effort.
I said we should give them one last chance to buck up their ideas before we have to pay the holiday in full at the end of next month. DH says he's spoken to them until he's blue in the face about their behaviour, about making more effort for other people etc. He says they've had enough warnings and thinks we should just tell them they're no longer coming. Not really sure how best to deal with this but I'm completely fed up seeing my DH upset and being taken for a mug.
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Step-parenting
I feel so bad for my DH
Illpickthatup · 14/03/2024 21:04
cestlavielife · 14/03/2024 21:09
Teens can be self centred
Seems a lot of
You owe me
Go on holiday
Use that time to connect or not
Decide after if that is the last time
P s he can apply and get his own provisional licence .not sure why his mum needs to be involved?
NorthernSpirit · 14/03/2024 21:32
I’m going to watch this thread with interest to see what other responses are.
I’m a DSM to 2 DSC (now 15 & 18).
When the kids were 15 & 13 - mum decided she would single handily discharge a court ordered contact schedule and the kids could decide their own contact. IMO the kids were too young to make what’s an adult decision.
The youngest in your case (IMO) at 14 was too young to decide a contact schedule. Kids shouldn’t have to make this adult decision.
Does your DH / OH have a good go parenting relationship? The mother should be encouraging contact for the youngest (which doesn’t sound is the case).
My OH’s kids - the oldest at 15 stopped all contact. She wouldn’t respond to calls & texts. Spouting that it would ‘upset mummy’ if she answered / responded. She’s been completely poisoned by the EW.
The youngest (then 13, now 15) comes sporadically (usually when he wants something). We never quite know what’s going on.
Birthdays / Christmas - the oldest would turn up empty handed & wouldn’t think of getting her dad a card (let alone present). She wouldn’t call / text.
The youngest finds real joy in giving (which is so lovely).
Kids are inherently selfish and need to be taught the joy of giving by parents. A 17 YO should have got this by now (as should a 16 YO). They need a kick up the arse.
Personslly I wouldn’t take them on holiday if they can’t be bothered the rest of the year (but that’s my opinion and probably an unpopular one). They sound self centred and at some point need to realise that the world doesn’t revolve around them and to receive kindness you have to be prepared to give.
Good luck 🤞
Illpickthatup · 14/03/2024 23:13
My DH gets on ok with DSS16s mum but she's always let DSS walk all over the top of her so wouldn't really bother encouraging him to visit DH.
He started saying he had plans with friends/girlfriend etc when he was around 14. It started off with skipping the odd weekend then it would be several weekends in a row. DH told him that he can see his friends every other weekend and he should be keeping his contact weekend free or at least be willing to switch. Ultimately though he didn't want to force him to come through when he didn't want to. He's not been forced to make any decisions, his decision not to visit is purely his own. It's not that he's cut all contact he just picks and chooses when to answer the phone. He does sometimes call DH for a chat or to ask to play Playstation with him. Not very often though.
DSS17 has a legitimate reason for not living with his mum. He did go through phases of not visiting for months because our house is stricter than his mum's and anytime my DH gave him a row for something he'd disappear up to his mum's for a few weeks until she pissed him off. This hasn't really helped as he's managed to run between houses as it suits him. DH and DSSs mum have a difficult relationship. She's a controlling narcissist and we have minimal contact with her.
NorthernSpirit · 14/03/2024 21:32
I’m going to watch this thread with interest to see what other responses are.
I’m a DSM to 2 DSC (now 15 & 18).
When the kids were 15 & 13 - mum decided she would single handily discharge a court ordered contact schedule and the kids could decide their own contact. IMO the kids were too young to make what’s an adult decision.
The youngest in your case (IMO) at 14 was too young to decide a contact schedule. Kids shouldn’t have to make this adult decision.
Does your DH / OH have a good go parenting relationship? The mother should be encouraging contact for the youngest (which doesn’t sound is the case).
My OH’s kids - the oldest at 15 stopped all contact. She wouldn’t respond to calls & texts. Spouting that it would ‘upset mummy’ if she answered / responded. She’s been completely poisoned by the EW.
The youngest (then 13, now 15) comes sporadically (usually when he wants something). We never quite know what’s going on.
Birthdays / Christmas - the oldest would turn up empty handed & wouldn’t think of getting her dad a card (let alone present). She wouldn’t call / text.
The youngest finds real joy in giving (which is so lovely).
Kids are inherently selfish and need to be taught the joy of giving by parents. A 17 YO should have got this by now (as should a 16 YO). They need a kick up the arse.
Personslly I wouldn’t take them on holiday if they can’t be bothered the rest of the year (but that’s my opinion and probably an unpopular one). They sound self centred and at some point need to realise that the world doesn’t revolve around them and to receive kindness you have to be prepared to give.
Good luck 🤞
SplitFountainPen · 15/03/2024 06:39
You can't expect a teenager to want to spend every other weekend with a parent and not his friends at that age. He wouldn't be doing that if his parents were still together so you can't expect it just because they're separated.
Illpickthatup · 14/03/2024 23:13
My DH gets on ok with DSS16s mum but she's always let DSS walk all over the top of her so wouldn't really bother encouraging him to visit DH.
He started saying he had plans with friends/girlfriend etc when he was around 14. It started off with skipping the odd weekend then it would be several weekends in a row. DH told him that he can see his friends every other weekend and he should be keeping his contact weekend free or at least be willing to switch. Ultimately though he didn't want to force him to come through when he didn't want to. He's not been forced to make any decisions, his decision not to visit is purely his own. It's not that he's cut all contact he just picks and chooses when to answer the phone. He does sometimes call DH for a chat or to ask to play Playstation with him. Not very often though.
DSS17 has a legitimate reason for not living with his mum. He did go through phases of not visiting for months because our house is stricter than his mum's and anytime my DH gave him a row for something he'd disappear up to his mum's for a few weeks until she pissed him off. This hasn't really helped as he's managed to run between houses as it suits him. DH and DSSs mum have a difficult relationship. She's a controlling narcissist and we have minimal contact with her.
NorthernSpirit · 14/03/2024 21:32
I’m going to watch this thread with interest to see what other responses are.
I’m a DSM to 2 DSC (now 15 & 18).
When the kids were 15 & 13 - mum decided she would single handily discharge a court ordered contact schedule and the kids could decide their own contact. IMO the kids were too young to make what’s an adult decision.
The youngest in your case (IMO) at 14 was too young to decide a contact schedule. Kids shouldn’t have to make this adult decision.
Does your DH / OH have a good go parenting relationship? The mother should be encouraging contact for the youngest (which doesn’t sound is the case).
My OH’s kids - the oldest at 15 stopped all contact. She wouldn’t respond to calls & texts. Spouting that it would ‘upset mummy’ if she answered / responded. She’s been completely poisoned by the EW.
The youngest (then 13, now 15) comes sporadically (usually when he wants something). We never quite know what’s going on.
Birthdays / Christmas - the oldest would turn up empty handed & wouldn’t think of getting her dad a card (let alone present). She wouldn’t call / text.
The youngest finds real joy in giving (which is so lovely).
Kids are inherently selfish and need to be taught the joy of giving by parents. A 17 YO should have got this by now (as should a 16 YO). They need a kick up the arse.
Personslly I wouldn’t take them on holiday if they can’t be bothered the rest of the year (but that’s my opinion and probably an unpopular one). They sound self centred and at some point need to realise that the world doesn’t revolve around them and to receive kindness you have to be prepared to give.
Good luck 🤞
Doyoumind · 14/03/2024 23:14
Teens are selfish but there may be some passive aggression going on here too. What was the nature of the split with their DM?
GKD · 15/03/2024 06:34
. He does sometimes call DH for a chat or to ask to play Playstation with him. Not very often though.
Yhe birthday was thoughtless, I agree with the PP who said to call it out ‘oi, you not going to wish me happy birthday’.
Sounds like DH needs to try and rebuild foundations of relationship.
The DSS who lives with you - how much quality time spent? A 1:1 meal, PlayStation, painting a fence.
The DSS who doesn’t, does DH instigate a PlayStation game? Or go to him for lunch/dinner?
How do the boys get on with each other?
I’d (DH) do the hol with very low expectations of them - I’d try to lead and engage and spend good quality time but also not get my hopes up so not disappointed.
LadyEloise1 · 15/03/2024 08:45
You mention a DD who was 2 when the ex wife assaulted your now dh @Illpickthatup.
Where does she live ?
With the ex but the boys go to yours ?
Does his DD visit ?
GKD · 15/03/2024 08:07
All Doesn’t sound lost!
Family days out - are there other children? Maybe the focus needs to be the go-karting dinner, fences etc.
Has DH tried speaking to them about their relationship then making a weekly effort?
only other thing is DH needs to WhatsApp or text…
benjoin · 15/03/2024 08:17
Let DH do what he wants. They are old enough to learn you cannot treat people like that
Tetsuo · 15/03/2024 08:18
I'm not sure I believe your stchick.
You're making all the right noises but it feels very transactional.
And you said in your OP the Mum is lovely, later you say she's abusive.
I think you cloak bad words with honey. It's pretty obvious you don't like these boys. I guess you want everyone to tell you not to take them on holiday.
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FrenchandSaunders · 15/03/2024 08:25
I’m confused have you changed their ages? The 16 year old is his but the 17 year old isn’t yet he’s been in his life since he was 3?
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