Need to rant about clueless mum [Title edited by MNHQ at request of the OP]

[TayceOnToast]

Need a rant. Strap in, its a long one!

Is anyone else dealing with an EFFING CLUELESS bio mum?

I have been with my partner 4 years and I have a 7 year old step son. I’m very lucky in many ways. Relationship between my partner and his ex is very civil, they respect each other and there is very little conflict. She is not nasty, she is kind and friendly, she is consistent, she clearly loves her son very much and would do anything for him.

HOWEVER.

She’s just not a “natural” when it comes to parenting. I’ll cut to the chase - she let my step son watch ALIEN 1978 (for anyone unfamiliar, one one of the most harrowing sci-fi horrors ever made, rated 18) and seemed genuinely surprised when we reported back to her that he was now having nightmares/trouble getting to sleep and basically regressed to the neediness of a 3 year old at bedtime. Before this he’d been going to bed absolutely fine without calling out in the night for a good couple of years. Now we’re back to an hour or more of ups and downs after he should be asleep, plus several panics in the night where he calls out and needs to be comforted. It’s definitely related to the film because when we asked him about it he broke down in tears and spoke about what he had seen with absolute terror in his eyes. We’ve told his mum that it’s still a problem, several weeks later, and she says he’s probably “milking” it to get more cuddles. She doesn’t experience this at her house because she co-sleeps with him every night so he is never alone at bedtime. This sounds nice on the surface but we don’t think this is necessarily a choice of hers but more that this is what he requests and she has never known how to say “no” or set boundaries. He is also on his iPad watching YouTube until the moment he goes to sleep, which we can see from his screen time is usually around 10pm on a school night. (And not kids YouTube I might add. Full access to normal adult YouTube which she has only put parental controls on in the last couple of weeks since my partner gently suggested that perhaps they should start monitoring what he’s watching….!)

So now I’m just sat here livid at nearly 10pm, having had absolutely no evening with my partner because we’ve been in and out of DSS’s room like a yo-yo, being all calm and nurturing on the surface, comforting his fears and tears, but secretly seething at the fact this is all because of someone else’s ridiculous choices. And just so angry and sad to see my poor DSS suffering needlessly. And of course always trying to hide my disgust from him because I don’t ever want him to think that I think ill off his mum. It’s so hard!!

Not really looking for advice or solutions. Just wanted to rant here rather than having an emotionally charged conversation with my partner at this hour. We have a rule to never discuss anything after 9pm because we’re both tired and it never ends well 😂.

[vodkaredbullgirl]

So your ss is watching horror films with his mum, poor thing.

[TeaKitten]

Poor kid, I’d get him a dreamcatcher, it helped my kids when they had bad dreams so you never no.

Odd referring to her as ‘bio’ mum though, she’s just his mum.

[TayceOnToast]

@vodkaredbullgirl

So your ss is watching horror films with his mum, poor thing.

Yeah, she was at her friends house - the adults were watching Alien and I think the kids were playing elsewhere. DSS said he wanted to cuddle mum but she was watching the film so he had to watch it too.

[TayceOnToast]

@TeaKitten

Poor kid, I’d get him a dreamcatcher, it helped my kids when they had bad dreams so you never no.

Odd referring to her as ‘bio’ mum though, she’s just his mum.

You’re right I don’t really know why I called her bio mum 🙈 just his mum, I’ll edit

[TayceOnToast]

Oh that’s weird I can’t edit the post or title.

**EDIT - just mum 😁

[Seeleyboo]

You get his dad to deal with it

[Ilovelurchers]

In her defence it sounds like she didn't "let" him watch it, so much as he came in to see her when it was on.

I saw bits of horror films and other inappropriate TV like this when I was little - my parents were watching stuff and I would make an excuse to come in. I don't think it's that uncommon - kids are naturally curious. I wasn't traumatised for life or anything and I consider my parents to have been utterly excellent parents!

And kids WILL see stuff that gives them nightmares - it could be a fairy story even (some of them are terrifying) or a ghost story or any kind of thing. You can't wrap them up in cotton wool and protect them from ever seeing or hearing any scary thing until their 14th birthday (or whenever).

Really it is part of growing up - I would try not to panic about it. Just reassure him but don't make a massive deal about it. Because kids being kids, they WILL exploit the opportunity to keep getting up or whatever if they see they have a good excuse....

It's nice you take your step mom role seriously, but it sounds to me you are stressing unnecessarily. Do you have biological kids of your own?

[TayceOnToast]

If I was watching an 18 rated film (or anything that might have inappropriate language etc) and my stepson walked in I would pause it. If other people were watching and didn’t want to pause I would hop out of my seat and gently usher him out or talk to him outside the room if he needed me. Sorry but she definitely allowed this. It wasn’t just a snippet, he has seen full disturbing scenes which have affected him deeply. I wasn’t familiar with the film but have googled it since and it is horrifying stuff even for an adult to see.

[TayceOnToast]

Thanks for your comment though @Ilovelurchers I see you’re looking out for me but I’m not panicking, I know he will be ok in the end and it’s all part of growing up. And that actually getting through things like this is builds resilience and family bonds. It’s just frustrating in the moment. Do you have step kids?

[DodgeDoggie]

It’s probably more like a 15 by todays standards. Still too old for him. Yes mum should have known it was inappropriate but at least she knows now and can avoid repeating such viewing

[Jelliclecats]

I really do think you are being unduly harsh and smug over different parenting styles and editing or not you very definitely were thinking “bio” Mum to write it which is really unpleasant and shows you up, she’s his Mum.

I have one (now adult) daughter who absolutely adored Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (uncut version is nowadays a 12) from the age of four upwards when she came in to room her big sister was watching it in and was riveted, and I have another aged seven who has had bad dreams recently simply following watching a Disney Princess film!

I also recently discovered that I find a children’s film I let my older ones watch when young (Coralinne) really scary; none of them did! As a child, I watched Watership Down at school and found it awful, had really bad dreams etc yet at a friend’s house (aged eight) I watched Nightmare On Elm Street (15) and I wasn’t bothered by it at all.

Fear is subjective!!

All this doesn’t mean I am clueless, or my children’s “bio” Mum, I simply try my best. Your comments about co-sleeping and how you’d behave with a child coming in to a room sound so smug and, again, anti this boy’s Mum. You are also only getting his version - I’ve known children creep downstairs and hide behind settee to watch what parents are watching and don’t get caught for ages - maybe she thought she’d removed him from room yet he returned quietly, even more than once, as children his age often do.

[TayceOnToast]

@Jelliclecats do you have step kids?

[Bkjahshue]

So typical that a step mum gets jumped on for this but if a step mum was that one to let the child watch the film people would be outraged.
I feel your pain OP; it’s really hard when decisions made at a child’s other home impact on you and even worse when you have to watch them be negatively impacted and not be able to do much.

[lunar1]

You call her kind, friendly and consistent. She's his mum, and maybe didn't make the best judgement call, but I don't think you can decide that makes her clueless.

She's parenting her Son in the best way she knows how, we all are. Adding in a step parents opinions on how you should be a parent is tricky for everyone, yourself, the parents and their child.

It might not have been the decision you would have made, but that's what happens the more adults you add into a dynamic with different opinions.

None of us get everything right as parents, try not to see the worst in each other.

[TayceOnToast]

@Bkjahshue

So typical that a step mum gets jumped on for this but if a step mum was that one to let the child watch the film people would be outraged.
I feel your pain OP; it’s really hard when decisions made at a child’s other home impact on you and even worse when you have to watch them be negatively impacted and not be able to do much.

Yep

[WhamBamThankU]

She managed to raise him before you and your superior parenting techniques came along, so no, I don't think his mum is 'clueless'.

[Youcannotbeseriousreally]

She made a pretty stupid mistake and I’m sorry you’re dealing with the aftermath but you’ll soon learn that mum and her golden uterus can do no wrong on MN so as SM you’ll just have to suck it up, whilst worshipping the step kids regardless and always being warm and kind and nonjudgmental to the mum.

[Chocolatebuttonns]

This just proves doesn't it that you cannot win as a step mum. This is someone who is actually concerned for a step child's welfare when mum is let's face it not doing a massively good job here, and she's being shouted down for stressing unnecessarily and being told mum is doing just fine.

I absolutely guarantee that if op or the child's dad had let him watch alien mum would be advised to ring social services and stop contact because they obviously don't give a shit about him. The double standards on here are ridiculous.

I understand it op. I have a step child who's been parented very "differently" and it eventually "ended" when she moved him back in to her house without even consulting us because "he wants to live with me now" - yeah, course he does because you've promised him his 15yo girlfriend can stay every night, don't make him go to school, do homework, contribute anything in terms of housework and don't have any actual rules at all. All of our hard work with him went out the window overnight. Literally.

But of course she's his mum and therefore she is perfect and "doing her best". Some people's best isn't actually their best it's what they can be arsed doing. I probably would step back a bit op for your own sake because you won't get anywhere with this in all honesty.

[Chocolatebuttonns]

@WhamBamThankU

She managed to raise him before you and your superior parenting techniques came along, so no, I don't think his mum is 'clueless'.

Lots of people manage to raise children it doesn't mean they're doing a good job. Look at all the stately homes threads FFS. It's a low bar just keeping someone alive.

[TayceOnToast]

It’s just a rant. If you can relate, great. If you can’t, no worries.

If you’re a “real” parent and you’re offended - it’s ok, I’m not judging you. I know it’s hard. Being a step parent is hard too, in different ways that you won’t understand unless you’re in the same position.

I know his mum is doing her best and that is why I won’t escalate any of my feelings, ever. I have never, and will never voice my opinions to her because I know it is not my place. Us step mums bottle it up, all day every day, and occasionally we burst. It’s better to burst on a stupid online forum than in our own home, in front of the kids or worse, at their poor mum who is just doing her best and probably hates this situation too.

Not that I should have to justify myself on the step parenting thread!!

[Chocolatebuttonns]

Oh I dunno op sometimes their mum deserves it. I never did it but I seriously wish I had.

[WhamBamThankU]

@Chocolatebuttonns She's made a poor choice, but all parents are guilty of that at one point or another. OP says she's kind and does her best for her son. If her DH had genuine safeguarding concerns then he could have stepped in at any point.

[SmileyClare]

It’s frustrating I agree.

It is however a huge positive that all three adults here are able to maintain a friendly civil relationship. That is key to Co parenting successfully.

It sounds as though your dh is able to raise concerns with his ex and she does listen; the parental controls on his tablet for example.

I think it’s easy to concentrate on the perceived failings of a parent from the outside perspective of step mum but it might help you to recognise all the successful ways she has parented too.

He sounds like a sweet well behaved (much loved) boy. Don’t blow this out of proportion.

Three adults trying to parent one child will never agree on every aspect of parenting.

[Chocolatebuttonns]

@WhamBamThankU

@Chocolatebuttonns She's made a poor choice, but all parents are guilty of that at one point or another. OP says she's kind and does her best for her son. If her DH had genuine safeguarding concerns then he could have stepped in at any point.

It's not just about safeguarding concerns though is it? You can be a crap parent without social services being involved. Again, low bar.

Op obviously thinks she's doing her best, but why should op have to deal with the consequences of her stupid decisions?

[TayceOnToast]

@Chocolatebuttonns

It's not just about safeguarding concerns though is it? You can be a crap parent without social services being involved. Again, low bar.

Op obviously thinks she's doing her best, but why should op have to deal with the consequences of her stupid decisions?

Because that’s what I signed up for when I agreed to a committed relationship with someone with a kid 😂 😭 😂
It’s part of the deal. There’s no escape. Just have to grin and bear it for the rest of my life!!