Do you give SC pocket money?

[pennycoiny]

My partner has a daughter who is 11. I have a son who is 12. We both have a toddler together.

When we first were getting serious, my partner was giving his daughter £5 a week into her GoHenry account for pocket money. Fine, I had no thoughts about this or have any ideas etc as I didn't do this with my son. It was just mentioned in a convo and that was that.

Moving forward and years on, when we moved in together my son also had a GoHenry set up for him. They both then got £5 each a week.

Now, I was always brought up to 'earn' pocket money. I did chores around the house, had to keep my bedroom tidy, do homework etc. and I'd then be allowed some allowance to go out etc.

Since the kids are now older, I had spoken to my partner about the kids and this allowance. I said I think they both need to earn it. They can't expect £5 a week and not do anything for it, I just don't think it's a great learning curve for them.

He agreed. So, moving forward my son does his chores around the house, he empties dishwasher daily and refills, sorts his laundry out, tidies bedroom etc etc. he knows he must do these things to get his money on a Friday.

My partner said he'd speak to his ex regarding his daughter and to see if she can get her to help her around the house also; and that he thinks their daughter should be earning the money too. Ex agreed and said she'd get her to do stuff but finds it hard as she is 'lazy'. Her words, as she's not lazy when she's with us.

Anyway, this hasn't happened. The communication from ex wife is awful. So partner has stopped transferring the money and has explained to his daughter that he will save it up and when she is with us she can earn it that way.

Is this fair? I don't think it is but what can we do? My son is saying that he shouldn't have to do chores if SD isn't etc etc. any ideas what we could do that is fair?

Thank you! X

I would say, SD lives in Scotland and we live in London; we have her all half terms and school holidays. This is a court order too.

[openstop]

No it's not fair on the SD. I think it's awful to make dad's pocket money dependent on chores at mum's house. Why would mum care?

I think give them both £5 a week. Don't make it dependent on chores. At the weekends they can earn a bonus up to another £5 for doing chores. The weekends at your house. Tough on DD if she's only there every other weekend.

[openstop]

Is this fair? I don't think it is but what can we do? My son is saying that he shouldn't have to do chores if SD isn't etc etc. any ideas what we could do that is fair? you could tell your son that fair isn't equal and he has different parents and living arrangements to SD so he just has to get used to that idea.

[pennycoiny]

@openstop

No it's not fair on the SD. I think it's awful to make dad's pocket money dependent on chores at mum's house. Why would mum care?

I think give them both £5 a week. Don't make it dependent on chores. At the weekends they can earn a bonus up to another £5 for doing chores. The weekends at your house. Tough on DD if she's only there every other weekend.

I agree. Will speak to partner about this.

I think mum and him had a convo about getting her to help out more around the house at hers because she finds it difficult to motivate her to even have showers etc. so they said the money may help. But perhaps not!

I feel funny giving £5 a week for doing nothing around the house or helping etc as they aren't babies anymore? But then I guess we aren't in a normal situation really.

[Kanaloa]

I think it’s ridiculous. He does not do any daily parenting of this child, so is expecting her mother to ensure she is performing to his standards. If he wants to give her pocket money then he should. It should not be dependent on his ex doing extra parenting to appease you and your son.

[bellsandwhistles333]

I think £5 a week is pretty reasonable for a 12 yr old still very young with no means to earn own money. I'd say give it just as pocket money and when she's with you she can earn more maybe

[GlitchStitch]

I don't understand why you got involved with his pocket money arrangements to be honest. Your son lives with you so helps with chores, SD should also help out when she is staying with you and both should get pocket money. What she does at her mother's house is irrelevant.

[pennycoiny]

@GlitchStitch

I don't understand why you got involved with his pocket money arrangements to be honest. Your son lives with you so helps with chores, SD should also help out when she is staying with you and both should get pocket money. What she does at her mother's house is irrelevant.

I didn't really get involved we just had a discussion around money and both the children being a bit spoilt at times. We were just a bit concerned that they'd just always expect money/things and not give anything back in return. Many times in the past we'd ask them to help to do things and they'd say no or make a big deal out of it. So we just didn't know what to do.

This is quite a hard situation, blended families etc. Are you a step parent too?

[openstop]

@pennycoiny

I agree. Will speak to partner about this.

I think mum and him had a convo about getting her to help out more around the house at hers because she finds it difficult to motivate her to even have showers etc. so they said the money may help. But perhaps not!

I feel funny giving £5 a week for doing nothing around the house or helping etc as they aren't babies anymore? But then I guess we aren't in a normal situation really.

They are 11 and 12. You should be teaching them to help out because they are part of the family. Do you get paid to do the washing? Put the bins out? Presumably not.

[PatriciaHolm]

We never connected pocket money with chores, because basic household help - dishwashers, bins etc - are stuff you do because you are part of a household, not because you want paying. No one pays me to do them!

[GlitchStitch]

No, I grew up in a blended family though. I agree they should do chores, I just think you can only go by what your SD does when she's at your house. It's not her fault that she lives somewhere else most of the time.

[Qilin]

We never made picket money dependent on chores.
Chores were just expected - part of living in a family home.

We always reserved the right to reduce or stop pocket money for bad behaviour or not being a 'team member' when it came to keeping her stuff clean/tidy, etc.

[aSofaNearYou]

Sounds like the best thing to do would be to make the pocket money not dependent on chores, but expect them to do them anyway when they're there. It would be a good message anyway - you don't get paid for doing your bit around the house.

[pennycoiny]

@PatriciaHolm

We never connected pocket money with chores, because basic household help - dishwashers, bins etc - are stuff you do because you are part of a household, not because you want paying. No one pays me to do them!

This is a really good point; thank you. Guess I'm just doing what I was taught when I was a child. But you are right. I'm happy with this answer and it's given me some thought.

[continentallentil]

When the kids are with you, you two decide the rules.

When your SD is with her mother it’s none of either of your business, and neither does it matter - your son is hardly fretting over what his stepsister is doing in Scotland.

You are being a fuss pot over nothing

[lunar1]

Yeah, your partner and his ex should both parent their child the way you decide, that really seems reasonable.

[Laurdo]

Why not just tell your son that your DSD does chores at her mum's house for her pocket money. He doesn't need to know that she doesn't.

I was also brought up to have to do certain chores in order to get my pocket money and there were always extra tasks if I wanted to earn more.

My 5yo DSD has chores to do to get her treat at the end of the week.

Yes in an ideal world kids would be enthusiastic to help out at home without financial reward, but they're kids. A little bit of financial reward is fine for them pulling their weight and ensures they're able to do these things for themselves when they leave home.

[DebussytoaDiscoBeat]

I agree with not having to earn pocket money by doing chores, it needs instilling that it’s just something you do as part of a household otherwise what’s the incentive when they grow up and move in with a partner or into a house share etc? But I think it’s fine linking pocket money to general behaviour as in taking a bit away for bad behaviour or giving extra for good).

[gogohmm]

I think the chores that you are judging should only be when she's with you. If her mum has an issue with laziness then she needs to deal with it her end. It's not that much money they days.

[TheSnowyOwl]

I don’t agree with children earning money for doing chores as they are just things they must do regardless and they end up feeling they have done something that needs to be rewarded. I also don’t think it fair to expect one child to be assessed/judged they have performed adequately by another person who contact is minimal with, who also might not agree with chores being carried out. If you want it to be related to chores, then they can only be ones that happen whilst at your house but they should be doing them anyway and not because you pay them.

[IncomingTraffic]

You shouldn’t be looking to control what happens in the ex’s house. That’s unbelievably unfair. She’s allowed to parent however she likes.

What you can do is expect your SD to do chores in your house in the same way your son is expected to (and the toddler in the future). Pocket money from your house is about what happens in your house.

And what happens at mum’s is what happens at mum’s. It’s a terrible idea to be trying to get another woman to run her life to suit you.

[TwigTheWonderKid]

I don't agree with paying children to do basic household chores, I think they should just do them as they are part of the family team.

Pocket money is about giving them a bit of financial independence and learning how to budget.

[bluepen12]

I would resent all this if I was your DS.

I would say give both kids some pocket money and opportunity to earn some more by doing extra chores. By extra I mean something they don't usually do, and give them something to do a s standard.

[SD1978]

That's just shit. A parent who only sees his daughter during holiday time, is dictating what chores are required at child's home in order to get £5 a week? A kid that when on the few weeks a year he actually sees, he has no issue getting to help out in the home? I'd tell him to stick his money full stop if it's contingent on his ex telling him if she's earned it or not.

[SD1978]

And I also have never equated pocket money with helping around the house. I don't get paid to do it because it's a necessary part of family life- I'm jot rewarding you for doing something you should be doing because you're part of the family. Pocket money is basically just learning to manage your own access to money, especially when the amount is as small as £20 a month!

[ToBMarried24]

@SD1978

And I also have never equated pocket money with helping around the house. I don't get paid to do it because it's a necessary part of family life- I'm jot rewarding you for doing something you should be doing because you're part of the family. Pocket money is basically just learning to manage your own access to money, especially when the amount is as small as £20 a month!

I’m the same. Money given isn’t connected to chores. These are non negotiable and should be done anyway. You shouldn’t be getting paid to do them.

but no, I never give my dsd money.