Holidays and adult SC

[WhiteCat1704]

I have a 19year old SD living with us. She has moved out to university but has been back a fair amount for holidays. With the covid19 situation she has been back since March.
We get on well generally but she can be quite lazy and inconsiderate. Not helping out around the house which has been a source if tension. She can also be arrogant and argumentative especially with her dad.
In general she is a good company but is sometimes very difficult to be around. I think it's her age and hope she will grow out of it.

We have been on holidays together several times through the years and every time she has been more interested in her phone then family time. Also caused arguments and got into arguments with her dad and there is this atmosphere of a sulking, entitled teenager....
This year our main holiday was cancelled due to covid- SD was not supposed to go and it was planned when she was supposed to be at uni.
I'm thinking about booking something in UK but if SD goes the price will increase significantly-think over £1000 just for accomodation- as she needs her own space and won't share with her 5year old brother.
As she is 19 and has gone on her own holidays with her boyfriend and friends in the past AIBU to not include her?
We contribute A LOT towards her university costs and she gets everything for free at home even though she has a job.

Her dad says she is old enough not to holiday with us but I'm struggling with the decision as don't want her to feel excluded...(but also feel resentful of the costs and potential atmosphere)

[SandyY2K]

And tbh she is fine with it so will see how the sharing goes...

Then it's a non issue isn't it. Why bother posting and getting shirty with people.

Parents who don't contribute towards uni expenses because they are not financially able is one issue... those who can but don't are not doing what they should.

The one thing I agree with you on is the taking into account the income of a step parent for university loan amounts.

It really should be the biological parents IMO..however if your her dad earns 60k or over your income doesn't make a difference in the loan amount she gets anyway.

[user1487194234]

Well yes
Each to their own

[BuggerMeSausage]

@user1487194234

We ask our adult DC to come on holiday
Whether they do or not depends where we are going
City break somewhere cool/Spanish island /USA 'yes please'
Country cottage with no WiFi
No thanks

That's great if you can afford it and want to but I don't think it should be the expected thing to have to ask and pay for, adult DC to join you on holiday all the time.

I was certainly never paid for to go on holiday with my parents once I was an adult and I wouldn't have expected it either.

[user1487194234]

You are splitting hairs about the word normal and I can't be bothered engaging with that
I am sure we can all agree it is the right thing to do

[WhiteCat1704]

I'm quite sure pound on pound over the years her mother has put in a shit load more than her father.

Haha..and how could you possibly know that?
Also you are wrong.

I don't have an issue contributing towords my SDs eductation but I'm saying it's not necessarly "normal" to do that. Plenty of examples where parents can't or won't and SDs mother is one of them.

And no it's not just my DH and his money/income. It's very much me too and my income was taken into account when calculating uni maintanance loan.

Anyway we have settled the original issue and SD will share with her brother. If it doesn't work out she might decide not to go next time...

[DishRanAwayWithTheSpoon]

What does her mother contributing have anything to do eith the situation?

It is expected parents contribute to their childs uni expenses. If one parent is being shit it doesnt excuse another parent. As your DH is the one contirbuting presumably it is his income they are going off

[user1487194234]

I still think it is normal
Ok some people (tight gits) dont do it but normal doesn't mean universal

[gotothecooler]

@WhiteCat1704

You seem to have some sort of issue with her mother 'contributing'

I'm quite sure pound on pound over the years her mother has put in a shit load more than her father.

Instead of seeing this as an issue that involves what her mother is doing try to view at as something her father is doing for her without the whatabouterry.

[WhiteCat1704]

Supporting them through Uni is the norm surely?
And everything in their house is free Again normal

Well, her mother is not doing it is so not that "normal" for everyone.

Exactly. It's also expected that the parent contributes.

In this case it's only one parent and the step-parent. The other parent contributed 0 for years now.

The problem is the double standard..She is either an adult and should not need our money or she is still a dependent so needs to accept what the other department in the family is getting.
And tbh she is fine with it so will see how the sharing goes...

[user1487194234]

We ask our adult DC to come on holiday
Whether they do or not depends where we are going
City break somewhere cool/Spanish island /USA 'yes please'
Country cottage with no WiFi
No thanks

[user1487194234]

Supporting them through Uni is the norm surely?
And everything in their house is free Again normal

[SandyY2K]

It is normal and very expected to support a child/young adult through university.

Exactly. It's also expected that the parent contributes.

I see it as a responsibility of being a parent to support my DCs through Uni.

A 19 yo isn't going to want to share a room with their 5 yo sibling of the same gender, never mind the opposite gender.

You could wait till age goes back to Uni...then go on holiday.

..either her phone...it's not unusual for ppl her age to always be on they phones. Just leave her to it or let her dad talk about it... so you're not seen as the nagging stepmother.

Alternatively.... you could say there's no WiFi. My friends DD said she'd not interested in going anywhere without WiFi 😅😅😅

[climbingcorfecastle]

We contribute A LOT towards her university costs and she gets everything for free at home even though she has a job

This stood out to me. It is normal and very expected to support a child/young adult through university. You really aren't doing her a massive favour here, the maintenance loan is adjusted on a sliding scale of parental income as parents are expected to make up the shortfall. You sound really resentful of this though.

[Iloveacurry]

She’s 19, an adult. No you shouldn’t be paying for her to go on holiday with you. She can stay at home.

[gotothecooler]

I'm trying to work out why you can't book a UK holiday for a reasonable price. Where on Earth are you going that one more person would cost over £1k for accommodation?

Maybe just find a cheaper holiday because that is absolutely scandalous

[DamsonDragon]

She is a adult.
She either stays with her brother if you absolutrly must subsidise it or she pays for herself. If she's working a lot then she's having a smooth ride getting wages and money from you both.

Imo shes old enough that if she wants to go she contributes to the cost. My parents stopped taking me on holiday at 16 (I started working) and even when I went to uni, I got minimum loan and had to work to make up the missing cost with my family paying my rent for student accommodation but I was expected to either be smart with my money or work if I wanted treats, nights out, takeaway etc, as once student accomodation was covered the minimum loan is enough to eat if your clever with money.
She is a adult and should be treated like one. If she wants to be treated like a child then she has to tolerate your rules such as chores, and not being on the phone during family time, curfews, sharing a room with brother, family activities on holiday etc.
Shes either a child, or its time to grow up.

[Qwicky]

At 19 her behaviour is not an expected age thing, It's just being a brat, plain and simple! She needs to grow up.
Also, she's earning but expects you to cough up? For everything? No board or anything else? You're a mug and she's happily taking you for one.

[WhiteCat1704]

21Hailtomyteeth
It's her brother...yes she is too old to be considered a child herself but she can't pay for herself and wants to come and that means for the purpose of the holiday she is a child in our family..if she is "a women" then surely we should not cover any of her costs? Nor would I take "a women" on a family holiday..

Also it's not just my home, it is her home too, until she can be self suffciant which will take a while..

[Hailtomyteeth]

Ridiculous to expect a woman to share a room with someone else's child. Cover the cost and take her or book and pay for somewhere else for her. That might be cheaper in the ling run than leaving her alone in your home.

[Dollyparton3]

We have one of these OP, and it's not just the accommodation cost, it's meals out and food etc that increases.

I think you're well within your rights to say she's welcome to come in holiday if she's happy to share a room and chip into the cost of extras.

[HeckyPeck]

Agree with others that she needs to share with her brother if she wants to come.

[DishRanAwayWithTheSpoon]

I think YWBU not to include her

Why does it go up by £1000? That seems masses of money

If it really is going to cost that much for an extra room Id tell her she can come but needs to share with her brother. Or pay a contribution.

I wouldnt expect her to spend everyday with you

[Firefliess]

It is hard for youngsters to go on holiday with friends this year though. The Coronavirus guidance is still that you should be distancing with anyone not from your own household and shouldn't be indoors with people from more than one other household. And all festivals are cancelled. So may be more reason this year than most years to include a 19 year old with your family plans as that may be the only holiday she'll get.

[BluebellForest836]

She has to share with her brother or she doesn’t come ... it’s that simple

[MeridianB]

@chocolatesaltyballs22

I would make her share with her brother then in that case. And no phones at mealtimes.

This. She needs to learn some manners.