AIBU

[Lovelyday1]

My husbands 10yo son wants nothing to do with us and hasn't for over a year, he won't answer the phone we bought him, doesn't reply to text and his mum says she can't do anything about it cause he's always on fortnite.
We've been together 5 years (I have 2 DC) and everything was fine until the ex had another baby beginning of last year, she started demanding more maintenance and told us that if we wanted to see SS I had to pay an extra £20 everytime I fetched him. They live 65 miles away. I was so nice to her, sent her loads of presents for the baby and for her too, which DH wasn't happy about.
We were already paying every month, clothes, shoes, coats and school uniform she wanted extra too because she'd also bought 2 puppies.
She has never ever had a job in her whole life but expects me and DH to fund her life which isn't happening.
We refused to pay the extra and she took us to csa and they actually calculated we should pay less so she was fuming. We contacted a solicitor and she said to only pay the csa amount which we now do and the extra we were paying we put in a bank account for him, which is our choice.
That's when all contact stopped and she told SS we wouldn't pay for him etc
We used to drive up and she'd lock the door and they would hide in the house, after more than 10 trips we stopped.
We have had 1 text message from him in a year saying yes in reply to asking if school is going ok.
Me and my DH are expecting a baby and we contacted SS to let him know and again nothing, we sent a card to the house and scan pic still nothing and DH has said we aren't going to let it dampen what's supposed to be a nice time.
The ex has naturally found out I'm pregnant and has now said if we can afford a baby she's going to need £400 towards a new PlayStation and also a new TV because he's smashed them up getting angry with fortnite, this isn't the first time.
We aren't buying them for him and now I'm being called every name under the sun, horrible comments about my unborn baby all because We won't reward bad behaviour.
How do we move forward with this toxic relationship it's so mentally exhausting, she will never ever see sense because she's too money orientated it's not about the child, last thing we want to do is drag him through court.
Do we just keep putting our family through stress chasing after something that's not going to happen or cut ties slightly?
I don't know, please no bashing comments off people who have perfect step children or no step children at all cause you can't possibly relate.
Thank you

[BeforeIPutOnMyMakeup]

Your DH needs to decide whether going down the Court route will resolve it somewhat or just time will.

If he decides to go down the Court route he needs to do it before the child is a teen as judges don't tend to like making orders for teenagers.

[Cherryrainbow]

I would still keep all the evidence of contact e.g the texrs emails and stuff because I wouldn't put it past the mum to try and go to court in future and try and claim you guys have never tried to see him and thus broken court agreements etc or you may need to call her bluff and seek legal advice yourselves at some point. I'm shocked at what your dss said on the phone it definitely sounds like parental alienation and he's been fed words and phrases.

[icantstandhorridhenry]

@Lovelyday1

It's great to hear that your DH is sticking by his guns, I am a 'step-mum' myself (I don't like using the term because my SC already have a mum it's just something personal) and it is true, as soon as you mention court or legality then mums attitude changes.
My DSS throws tantrums at his mums about fortnite ect but he doesn't get away with it at ours and we have rules and respect in our house.
The the way you and your DH is going about it is brilliant, in my personal view children need to be parented to be able to cope with real life and he's obviously going to want to stay with her if she's not enforcing rules.

Stick by it, I can't confirm it will be worth it but it may be one day but atleast you and your DH know that you did everything you can to be there for him.

Whatever you do, please do not give in to mums demands however difficult she may be!

Keep your head up and tell DH he's a fantastic dad for keeping on trying, that's all he can do!

[lovelyday1]

@icantstandhorridhenry it's refreshing to hear it from the other side and it be positive.

We spoke to the ex last night and mentioned court and all of a sudden we were allowed to speak to DS and he told us he doesn't want to come to our house and see us because he doesn't like being told no, his mum lets him do what he wants and he can play on the PlayStation all day and night, he has no bedtime. He only likes to eat McDonald's and sandwiches because he can't use a fork and knife (think that's just laziness)
DH has said we aren't changing rules in our house to suit what his mum does when he's there because it's not unreasonable that we want him to eat proper meals and not be on a game until gone midnight (ex says she's been in his room at 3am and he's still playing and she just lets him cause it's funny)
He also said he doesn't care he's getting a baby sister cause he'll never see her and don't bother sending cards and pictures cause him and his mum threw the last lot away, that really hurt.
We've told him the door is always open all he has to do is ring his dad to which is response was my mum said I don't have a dad anymore just a sperm donor!!! That totally blew my mind that a mother would even say that to a child, even if she thought that.
We are just going to continue as we are with the 3 weekly texts, cards and maintenance because how he is speaking to us will obviously reflect in court and no one would ever force him to come where he doesn't want to be and we wouldn't want that either.

Thank you for all your comments.

[icantstandhorridhenry]

I've watched this from the other side.
My ex stopped seeing his dad at the age of 5, a couple of years after his mum and dad split up.
His mum was an absolute psycho, claiming emotional and physical abuse, sexual assault, she used to make him exchange my ex in front of the police station for 'protection' - all sorts!
She was the kind of woman that literally said 'I would never bad mouth his dad in front of him' and then would proceed to bad mouth his dad in front of him - even when I was with him.
His dad had enough of all the crap from her and said, look he knows where I am if he ever needs me.
He never stopped sending birthday cards and Christmas cards, he got his sons number from his nan (dads mum) and text him now and again.
When my ex was 21 he decided to speak to his dad, he knew his mum was a compulsive liar and he realised that whatever happened between his mum and dad wasn't anything to do with him and in the 6 years we were together he built a wonderful relationship with his dad - to the dismay of his mother.

It's hard when they're kids, they have to go along with whatever is being said by whichever parent. They ultimately don't get a choice regardless of how many times it's said 'its all about the kids'.
When they're older they can decide what they want in life for themselves.

Don't stop the small contact but don't stress on it, your DH knows he's done everything he can to be there for his son and hopefully one day his son will be able to see that too.

[Sunnydayshereatlast]

Df's can do this also!! Ds's went nc with a df who tried to break up our relationship... At 12 ds moved here and left a nasty parent behind....
Seek legal advice. At 10 I suspect ex is the puppeteer in all this.

[MeridianB]

It sounds like parental alienation by his mother is a real possibility and the court would address this.

The neglect of letting a 10yo play Fortnite is really grim. The fact that she thinks it’s normal for him to smash up the console shows how far she is from seeing what is right for a child.

Well done you for standing your ground when she tried to make her son a income stream. It sounds like you’ve tried all realistic routes since then and now court would be the next option.

Congratulations on your baby - enjoy this time without letting this overshadow it all.

[FelicityPike]

[quote Lovelyday1]@FelicityPike yes I agree at 10 he has his own mind and if worse comes to worse and he does say that then that's something we've got to deal with and hope when he's older and understands abit more it will change xx[/quote]
Absolutely, he won’t always be a little boy.
I wish you both well,

[Lovelyday1]

@piefacedClique well you sound like brilliant parents and you've done the best you can for her and like you say hopefully she will realise it.

[piefacedClique]

Yes @Lovelyday1and that’s just scratching the surface. We’ve been through all the mediations and stages and it’s cost a fortune at times but we’ve done it And as a pp said Hopefully she will see we fought to see her. It’s so sad as the longer she’s here the more she relaxes and becomes herself but it’s like she doesn’t want to show us (or maybe herself) that’s shes enjoying herself! Mum always found a reason for Christmas contacts to be changed (grandma visiting fromAustralia and it might be her last visit - 15 years later and she’s still fit and well) and then when she did stay at Christmas is was never natural and she felt guilty she wasn’t there. SheS only been on holiday with us once and she had a great time..: but the following year she was ‘too anxious’ so despite orders being in place we never wanted to cause upset.

[Lovelyday1]

It's so sad that mums can do this to their children.
I can't stand my ex he's let out children down so many times and doesn't support them financially or in any other way but I would never ever put that on my children and as far as they are concerned we're friends.
I encourage them to go and see him, ring him and reply to text messages. I just couldn't do it to my children it's not their fault

[lunar1]

Court will give him a voice. Maybe the only one he's had through all this. Hopefully you will get someone working with him that truly understands parental alienation.

[Lovelyday1]

@FelicityPike yes I agree at 10 he has his own mind and if worse comes to worse and he does say that then that's something we've got to deal with and hope when he's older and understands abit more it will change xx

[FelicityPike]

Court is definitely the only way to resolve this BUT at 10 his wants & wishes will be listened to and he might make it clear that he doesn’t want contact with his dad.

[Lovelyday1]

@Butwhhhyyyyyyy we have thought about this too so maybe Court is the only way.
We only get told what she tells us.
Hmmm that's got me thinking now, maybe going to court and actually listening to what he has to say will be an eye opener.
Thank you for your help xx

[Lovelyday1]

@FelicityPike and tbh we kept putting it down to an age thing thinking he would grow out of it and clearly he hasn't

[Butwhhhyyyyyyy]

If his dm is so unreasonable how do you know that she doesn't have his phone and reply for him, a friend has this happen to them.

[Lovelyday1]

@FelicityPike because he was worried about how much trauma it would cause him having to be assessed etc but after speaking with @lunar1 and getting a different perspective it seems the right and only thing to do.
It's hard being a parent and knowing what to do for the best, we all make mistakes and get it wrong and sometimes just need some outside advice

[FelicityPike]

Why hasn’t dad been to court in the past year?

[Lovelyday1]

@lunar1 yes I totally agree I didn't think of it that way. Thank you 😊

[lunar1]

Her, not here 🤦🏻‍♀️

[lunar1]

It's great that you have evidence of here behaviour, it will go in your favour.

[lunar1]

Completely losing a parent is more traumatic than talking to someone qualified to work with children from the court.

Your husband's son might have been alienated from his dad to the point where he will go along with his mum. But as he gets older, maybe even when he's a parent himself, he will understand that his dad did everything he could to maintain the relationship.

No matter how dysfunctional the mum is, if your husband walks away now there would always be the question of why he didn't do everything possible, especially with you being pregnant. She will be able to justify her actions that you're husband wasn't interested as you had a child together now.

[Lovelyday1]

@lunar1 we've kept all texts and it proves she's being unreasonable. It's so hard because we want to see him but don't want to force him either cause that will make it worse

[Lovelyday1]

@piefacedClique wow all very sad really and such a negative affect on the child.
They are similar and have moved house and school 5 times since we've been together.
SS has said he doesn't want to see us because we don't let him play on fortnite all the time and he will have to stop playing to have meals. We feel that in our house it's our rules and we aren't changing them when he comes as it's not fair on our children that live here. Anyway I think we will carry on with the texts even though we get nothing back and see what happens.
@lunar1 would Court mean dragging the child through it though and them having to be involved and give a statement etc? from what I've read from other people it's really traumatic and he may resent us more?