Thrown myself in at the deep end

[FlummoxedPixie]

I desperately need some advice, I’ve got no clue what I’m doing...

For some context; I recently moved in with a guy I’ve known for about 12 years and his two young girls (5 nearly 6, and 7) and as terrifying as it was at first I’m really loving it, and I love them hugely and they often tell me they love me which is frankly magical to me
However, I don’t have any children myself and apart from some mixed work in schools (teaching assistant for children with learning disabilities) I have little experience of actually dealing with children..

So to get to the point; I get on with the older girl quite brilliantly but the younger one I’m struggling with.. She’s very contrary and..bossy, I suppose.. For example, she demands her hair gets done a certain way in the morning before school (even though she doesn’t like people touching her hair and just complains constantly); if you offer her several different choices of spread to go on toast she’ll pick the only one you didn’t mention even if she doesn’t really like it; if she’s being a faff in the morning and doesn’t have time to spend 10 minutes choosing between her identical white vests then that can be a complete meltdown... You get the idea.

I don’t know, I try to keep reminding myself that she’s not even quite 6 yet but she’s been really pushing her limits recently, and as much as love him for it their dad is quite soft with her when she acts up.. She throws these fits about wanting to get her own way, and in the end she still always gets her own way.
I appreciate your first thought might just be along the lines of ‘it’s not your place, leave him to it’ but I know he appreciates me being around and trying my best, at the end of the day neither of us know what we’re doing I guess.

So please tell me if you’ve experienced something like this, and if you have any thoughts for managing things. Thank you all in advance

[Goingwiththeflow2019]

Ever morning I do DSD (5) hair, reading words/spelling test refresh and sort her breakfast as OH is busy getting out to work early and I work from home. We have an arrangement that I do morning school run because I have capacity, and he works a condensed week so he can pick DSD up two nights from school for 'their time' when he takes her to gymnastics/dance. I get to sneakily do any errands like have a bath without being on guard of the door being opened!

Mumsnet has this thing about girlfriends of dads being involved in SCs life. There has to be a level of respect and there has to be an expectation that when in your care, your rules are listened too. Everyone needs to be on the same page and my OH knows if I have told DSD off it would be because she's been VERY naughty.

There are times when my DSD will come out from school beaming she's past her reading word test and her first thing is 'I have something that will make you proud - thank you for helping me pass' because she appreciates the time I spend everyday helping her but it's also about balance and didn't happen overnight as she unfortunately had her mum making remarks about me on her contact evenings.

The youngest might be confused over the authority in the house or what's being asked. Unless you are both on the same page about expectations in the house I.e. your hair tomorrow will be XYZ and your uniform is laid out ready tonight ready for tomorrow, if you change your mind from dress to skirt you only have until bedtime to do so. Any tantrums will result in no treat after school. But needs to come from Dad with you in the room the first time and you'll then have the weight to say 'Dad explained how it will be if this continues 1,2..3.. no treat after school'.

Also go out 1 on 1 with her. If she likes to fuss over her clothes, give her the opportunity to be good, no fuss in the morning for the whole week and she can go shopping with you. Make a chart so it's visual and she has sometime to put a tick or a sticker on. Give her £10 say and let her pick out her own tights or vests followed by paying herself. You could even just have a girly afternoon painting nails or going to the park together basically anything to reconfirm you're here, you're her friend, you respect her, you aren't there to be battling with her daily. She might be craving some attention with you because she's struggling with not having her mum around as much and when she's naughty, you naturally fuss over her more and become more attentive to her in an attempt to calm her down. Don't forget to do a 121 hour or two with the eldest too!

It's ok to be a woman in their life, you aren't mum but you are the woman that's supporting their father in giving them the best life! You've got this!

[user1493413286]

Just read your update that you get them ready in the morning; have you tried the trick of letting them watch tv in the morning but only when they’re ready? My DSD would race through getting ready and breakfast so she had ten minutes tv time. If we were on a really tight schedule I’d also get her to get things ready the night before to avoid things like the vest issue. Also her mum told me that she often would do her hair the nighty before after her bath, like plait it etc and then in the morning it just needed a quick tidy up which I thought was a good idea.
All step mum roles are different; I look after my DSD when she’s with us but she doesn’t need me to “mother” her as she has a very good mum to do that whereas your step children do need a bit of mothering especially as they live with you both the majority of the time.
I put a lot of effort into my relationship with my DSD and interestingly since she hit her teenage years she’s quite tricky with everyone else but I’ve managed to remain “cool” somehow; not sure how but it seems to mean I don’t get the full effect of her teenage attitude

[StormBaby]

It sounds like you're doing a great job OP. Glad I might have helped put a different perspective on it a bit. Not saying she has ASD, but anxiety in my son definitely manifests in that way. He can be very difficult. Giving him options all the time really helps. Control is his comfort blanket.

[timeisnotaline]

It sounds pretty normal which is to say hard work! Think about the order of things- my boys get dressed better if we do that first ng before brekky. For choices, offer choices but limited. If you say jam or peanut butter and she says marmalade you say oh today is jam or peanut butter, But we can have marmalade tomorrow. Should I put a reminder on the fridge? You decide what you want today and then perhaps you can decide what else tomorrow’s choice should be and I’ll add that to the reminder. So jam or oeanut butter? Basically divert thinking before they start getting worked up over it.

[SwishSwishSheesh]

Can I just say you come across as the loveliest person which is a rarity here! Screw all the 'butt out' advice, you live with these children and it's only righteous to be a part of their daily routine. Honestly there's no pleasing some people... If you keep your distance then you're a wicked stepmother and everyone gangs up on you, if you do bother then people moan you should mind your own

Like other PPs have said the younger child is testing boundaries. I give mine two choices usually and if the pipe up with a third option I just calmly say that I never said this is available so they must choose from what I offered.

Don't be afraid to show authority in a sensible calm way. You don't need to be soft just because these children didn't come out of your body. It sounds like you're doing a hefty chunk of childcare so you really do need to start establishing your position. Otherwise they'll have you wrapped around their little fingers before too long and that can be hard to deal with.