Thrown myself in at the deep end

[FlummoxedPixie]

I desperately need some advice, I’ve got no clue what I’m doing...

For some context; I recently moved in with a guy I’ve known for about 12 years and his two young girls (5 nearly 6, and 7) and as terrifying as it was at first I’m really loving it, and I love them hugely and they often tell me they love me which is frankly magical to me
However, I don’t have any children myself and apart from some mixed work in schools (teaching assistant for children with learning disabilities) I have little experience of actually dealing with children..

So to get to the point; I get on with the older girl quite brilliantly but the younger one I’m struggling with.. She’s very contrary and..bossy, I suppose.. For example, she demands her hair gets done a certain way in the morning before school (even though she doesn’t like people touching her hair and just complains constantly); if you offer her several different choices of spread to go on toast she’ll pick the only one you didn’t mention even if she doesn’t really like it; if she’s being a faff in the morning and doesn’t have time to spend 10 minutes choosing between her identical white vests then that can be a complete meltdown... You get the idea.

I don’t know, I try to keep reminding myself that she’s not even quite 6 yet but she’s been really pushing her limits recently, and as much as love him for it their dad is quite soft with her when she acts up.. She throws these fits about wanting to get her own way, and in the end she still always gets her own way.
I appreciate your first thought might just be along the lines of ‘it’s not your place, leave him to it’ but I know he appreciates me being around and trying my best, at the end of the day neither of us know what we’re doing I guess.

So please tell me if you’ve experienced something like this, and if you have any thoughts for managing things. Thank you all in advance

[SwishSwishSheesh]

Can I just say you come across as the loveliest person which is a rarity here! Screw all the 'butt out' advice, you live with these children and it's only righteous to be a part of their daily routine. Honestly there's no pleasing some people... If you keep your distance then you're a wicked stepmother and everyone gangs up on you, if you do bother then people moan you should mind your own

Like other PPs have said the younger child is testing boundaries. I give mine two choices usually and if the pipe up with a third option I just calmly say that I never said this is available so they must choose from what I offered.

Don't be afraid to show authority in a sensible calm way. You don't need to be soft just because these children didn't come out of your body. It sounds like you're doing a hefty chunk of childcare so you really do need to start establishing your position. Otherwise they'll have you wrapped around their little fingers before too long and that can be hard to deal with.

[timeisnotaline]

It sounds pretty normal which is to say hard work! Think about the order of things- my boys get dressed better if we do that first ng before brekky. For choices, offer choices but limited. If you say jam or peanut butter and she says marmalade you say oh today is jam or peanut butter, But we can have marmalade tomorrow. Should I put a reminder on the fridge? You decide what you want today and then perhaps you can decide what else tomorrow’s choice should be and I’ll add that to the reminder. So jam or oeanut butter? Basically divert thinking before they start getting worked up over it.

[StormBaby]

It sounds like you're doing a great job OP. Glad I might have helped put a different perspective on it a bit. Not saying she has ASD, but anxiety in my son definitely manifests in that way. He can be very difficult. Giving him options all the time really helps. Control is his comfort blanket.

[user1493413286]

Just read your update that you get them ready in the morning; have you tried the trick of letting them watch tv in the morning but only when they’re ready? My DSD would race through getting ready and breakfast so she had ten minutes tv time. If we were on a really tight schedule I’d also get her to get things ready the night before to avoid things like the vest issue. Also her mum told me that she often would do her hair the nighty before after her bath, like plait it etc and then in the morning it just needed a quick tidy up which I thought was a good idea.
All step mum roles are different; I look after my DSD when she’s with us but she doesn’t need me to “mother” her as she has a very good mum to do that whereas your step children do need a bit of mothering especially as they live with you both the majority of the time.
I put a lot of effort into my relationship with my DSD and interestingly since she hit her teenage years she’s quite tricky with everyone else but I’ve managed to remain “cool” somehow; not sure how but it seems to mean I don’t get the full effect of her teenage attitude

[Goingwiththeflow2019]

Ever morning I do DSD (5) hair, reading words/spelling test refresh and sort her breakfast as OH is busy getting out to work early and I work from home. We have an arrangement that I do morning school run because I have capacity, and he works a condensed week so he can pick DSD up two nights from school for 'their time' when he takes her to gymnastics/dance. I get to sneakily do any errands like have a bath without being on guard of the door being opened!

Mumsnet has this thing about girlfriends of dads being involved in SCs life. There has to be a level of respect and there has to be an expectation that when in your care, your rules are listened too. Everyone needs to be on the same page and my OH knows if I have told DSD off it would be because she's been VERY naughty.

There are times when my DSD will come out from school beaming she's past her reading word test and her first thing is 'I have something that will make you proud - thank you for helping me pass' because she appreciates the time I spend everyday helping her but it's also about balance and didn't happen overnight as she unfortunately had her mum making remarks about me on her contact evenings.

The youngest might be confused over the authority in the house or what's being asked. Unless you are both on the same page about expectations in the house I.e. your hair tomorrow will be XYZ and your uniform is laid out ready tonight ready for tomorrow, if you change your mind from dress to skirt you only have until bedtime to do so. Any tantrums will result in no treat after school. But needs to come from Dad with you in the room the first time and you'll then have the weight to say 'Dad explained how it will be if this continues 1,2..3.. no treat after school'.

Also go out 1 on 1 with her. If she likes to fuss over her clothes, give her the opportunity to be good, no fuss in the morning for the whole week and she can go shopping with you. Make a chart so it's visual and she has sometime to put a tick or a sticker on. Give her £10 say and let her pick out her own tights or vests followed by paying herself. You could even just have a girly afternoon painting nails or going to the park together basically anything to reconfirm you're here, you're her friend, you respect her, you aren't there to be battling with her daily. She might be craving some attention with you because she's struggling with not having her mum around as much and when she's naughty, you naturally fuss over her more and become more attentive to her in an attempt to calm her down. Don't forget to do a 121 hour or two with the eldest too!

It's ok to be a woman in their life, you aren't mum but you are the woman that's supporting their father in giving them the best life! You've got this!

[Marmitepasta]

You sound like a lovely step mum, it's really great that the girls have you.

[steppingout]

Hello - I'm in a similar situation but further along I think. Moved in with DP and DSD when she was 6 and he's the resident parent with her seeing DM every other weekend. I didn't have much experience with kids either! It's less common for a stepmum to essentially live full time with kids and my experience has been that - while I have never tried to frame myself as her mum and back out of major parenting decisions (e.g. schools) - you have to get involved in some of the day to day in ways that wouldn't be the case if they weren't with you so much. Not much new specific advice to give - I agree that it's probably mostly anxiety manifesting. It happened with DSD when we all moved in although manifested a bit differently. It wore off once she started to feel sure that things weren't going to change again. Just keep being kind and consistent as you are - it sounds like you're genuinely trying your best and that's all any parent or step-parent can do. We haven't (quite) hit terrible teens yet, but so far I have a lovely relationship with DSD. Sorry this got long - happy for you to PM me if you ever want a chat.

[pumpkinpie01]

Sounds like you are doing a brilliant job😀 I would say the carrying round of a soft toy makes her feel secure, despite all the moves she still has that toy. With regards to wanting things a certain way she sounds very familiar to my granddaughter 6 she struggles with making choices too she gets very overwhelmed if given too many options. I find limiting the choices helps a lot. Or give her more time ie tell her at 7.30am' I will be doing your hair in 10 minutes decide what style you would like please '

[hotstepper4]

Ha how odd! I just didn't see the point in posting silly emojis instead of a comment. Glad you got to see my post anyway op

[FlummoxedPixie]

Seems to be strange rules here; get your comment deleted for calling someone an idiot but the idiotic and inflammatory comments are still allowed to remain

[FlummoxedPixie]

@IdiotInDisguise
What a lovely message, thank you!
To be honest I was worried about posting in the first place as I had a feeling I would be misconstrued but I was having a really bad night and was desperate for advice - I’m so glad to see there are some nice people here too who are willing to share their thoughts in a kind and constructive way

[IdiotInDisguise]

That’s really bad, @hotstepper4 was only defending the OP and had provided good advice in the post that was deleted, honestly mumsnet...

[FlummoxedPixie]

@hotstepper4
Thank you
That’s really the kind of thing I needed to hear right now; sensible advice from someone in a similar situation
You’re absolutely right of course, I’ve already been preparing myself for the day one or both of them suddenly decide they don’t want anything to do with me anymore.. They’re going to be teenage girls one day and I know I very probably won’t be wanted or needed then and just thinking about that sucks.. I’m not about to stop loving or caring about them but I probably do need to think about things more carefully and less idealistically.
Thank you again for your sensible and kind advice

[IdiotInDisguise]

Something that may help to reduce conflict is not giving them too many options (ie, don’t say which jam do you want of these six options, just say do you want strawberry or apricot jam. Same with clothes, outings and entertainment options).

And good on you on being there for these girls and their parents. It is a strange place mumsnet... there are some very insecure mums that instead of welcoming a nice person who can contribute to the welfare of their kids, are more ready to shut her down to avoid the kids liking her more than they, in their own insecurities, can bear.

Keep up the good work, a step mum that cares for your kids is an absolute blessing.

[WireBrushAndDettolMaam]

[FlummoxedPixie]

@WireBrushAndDettolMaam is something still confusing you? I’m happy to answer questions, it’s almost impossible to try and explain everything at once. However, if you’re just here to be judgemental (which is unfortunately the vibe I’m getting right now) then I’m not really interested

[WireBrushAndDettolMaam]

[FlummoxedPixie]

StormBaby, thank you for your comments about anxiety; as someone with Aspergers and anxiety myself it feels foolish to have missed some fairly clear cues - she has a huge amount of worry about her appearance already, needs pretty clothes and her hair done right to “be pretty” and often brings a small stuffed toy out with her and doesn’t like her stuff to be touched without permission..
I’d assumed a lot of it was to do with them having to move around a lot at a young age and having a lot of their stuff thrown out or left behind.. I definitely could have been looking at things a bit more sympathetically regardless

[FlummoxedPixie]

Annaminna, thank you for your response, I appreciate your sensible suggestions for actually dealing with things rather than just telling me it’s not my place.
I have a similar thing to the nerf gun situation, the girls can be very physical and boisterous with their dad but I can’t really manage that, so he always lets them know when they get too much for me as I won’t necessarily say anything out of fear of upsetting them/ruining their play.
I will try and take your advice and just enjoy being with them more thank you for not making me feel small and stupid with your reply x

[FlummoxedPixie]

Thank you all for your replies

I should have been clearer; the morning stuff has been at least half my responsibility for a long time anyway - dad is at work in the mornings so stepping out the room to talk to him as has been suggested isn’t an option. I’m not trying to be their new mum or anything, I’m just new to this and fumbling my way through.. Let me try and explain the situation better:

Their mum is around, yes, they see her every other weekend but there’s a lot of complicated mental health issues there and she has a newborn and a partner of her own.
Dad was living at his parents and I was helping his mum with things in the morning (again, she appreciates having me around because as much as she loves the kids she certainly didn’t expect to be having to looking after them in her 60’s).
Dad really does an excellent job with them, he picks them up from school, does their homework with them, makes sure they exercise, cooks them dinner, washes their hair, puts them to bed with a story... Frankly, shame on you all for assuming he does nothing just because I actually enjoy helping out. I’m fully aware I’m not required to do anything, but I truly love this family and want nothing more than to do my best by them.

I’m not trying to become their mum, however, this is a relationship I intend to be in for the rest of my life and I want to be around for them.. I understand where some of you are coming from with regards to the “step back, it’s not your place” attitude, but these are very aware kids - they were explaining to me the other day how it’s good their mummy has her new partner, because the father of the baby didn’t want to be around they think it’s really good that this other guy stepped up They understand more of life than people might think.

But I reiterate, I’m not trying to be their mother, however, I do have to be the person that they listen to sometimes. I’m not looking for advice on how to step back or how to be or not be their mum, I really just wanted to know if this behaviour with the youngest was normal and if it should worry me less..

I hope this has helped clear things up

[Grobagsforever]

Gosh yes, let him parent!

[Annaminna]

She is testing what she can get away with, She is a child.
I made my life easier with the attitude, I am here to help but its not my responsibility. i.e. If there any issue over the meal, I step back quietly with words: "Now I don't know any more how to help you with this choice/issue. Lets ask now your dad what can we do!"
The hair situation; I would say something like that: "I can do (hairdo x-y-z) I am not familiar with the style you want. I only can help you with the style I know. I am sorry if you don't like it. Lets discuss with your dad what we can do about your hair." Then I will leave the room and will ask dad to talk to her and make the decision what should be done.
Its working perfectly for us. His son is 4 years old and learned soon that if he wants my attention then he has to be co-operative. I am trying to present myself as a friendly aunt not a step-mum. Happy to help but not summoned to or not parenting. Any misbehaving, disagreement or issue will be addressed by dad (because he is the responsible parent for the child).
Latest example: He got a Nerf gun for Christmas. He did shoot his dad with it and they had a laugh. Then he wanted to shoot me to. I removed myself from the scene and asked dad to speak with me. I explained to dad(my DP) that for me this style of game isn't ok. I don't mind if they playing that way (he is your son) but I feel strongly against being targeted by a toy gun. Next time when his son tuned his nerf gun to me his dad asked him not to. DSS accepted that I will not participate in the play with guns and he is fine with that rule (set by dad not buy a "strange").

You did throw yourself in at the deep end but you don't have to stay there. Give parenting back to the parent and enjoy being the joyful addition who can help when help is requested.

Good luck and lot of love into your new life!

[champagneandfromage50]

Moving in doesn't mean you become the default mum. There dad needs to continue what he was doing before, neither of you understand the impact you moving in has had on the DC. Do they see there mum?

[user1493413286]

I think at 5 some of that behaviour is completely normal but it’s the time that parents need to put boundaries in. Even with my 3 year old I’ll stop doing her hair if all she’s doing is moaning.
I would be careful of being the one to take over and manage it all as unfortunately my experience is that some men (including my own DH) will just take the easiest route and let you do that. Instead I’d sit down with him and discuss techniques that you might use (ie. he will use) to work through these things.