Step parent, autism, behaviour, HELP!

[Dis19]

I have a step son who is 9. At first we got on amazingly and then about 6 months in the problems started. We are currently getting answers for autism but he is horrible (I know not something you want to ever say about a child)
On a daily basis I get screamed at telling me he is going to kill me, force me out of my home, he will push me down the stairs, I should go kill myself, he has been violent towards me normally hitting, punching, kicking and throwing things the most recent is he bite me. He has also been aggressive to our pet and now she stays away from him. I have been signed off work for 8 months now with depression and anxiety. We have a family support worker and a social worker after I was falsely accused of abuse which I was completely cleared of and neither of them know what to do with him and our family. Me and his dad are at breaking point because neither of us can cope with his behaviour anymore but we don't know what to do. We have tried and are trying many things for autism but nothing seems to work or make the slightest bit of difference. A similar thing happened to his dad previous partner but he was alot younger so we are pretty sure it cant just be me. The majority of his family are not helpful and ignore what we say most of the time and have only just started to listen to what it is really like but still not much support and actually only cause more stress and problems. This is not bashing anyone just a realistic view on what our situation is actually like and no point asking for help if you sugar coat everything.
Please does anyone have any advice or has dealt with something like this.

[aSofaNearYou]

You may be able to help, but it's not your job to sacrifice your own happiness to do so. Your posts sound like you are heavily involved and invested which is commendable, but it also sounded like it was a relatively new relationship that has been riddled with problems. I think all step parents need to ask themselves whether being in that relationship is bringing you more joy than it is unhappiness, and it doesn't sound like it is at all. Obviously it's your choice, but that's just my perspective.

[QOFE]

You say he has severe attachment disorder- I recommend joining the Therapeutic Parenting group on Facebook and starting with those techniques.

He may be autistic, he may not be, but either way he needs therapeutic input and fast.

[JanusLooksBothWays]

You need more support than you are getting.

Tell your social worker that he will have to go into care unless there is more support.

That may concentrate their minds.

[blackcat86]

That sounds really hard OP. You need to be very clear with SS how bad it is. Dont feel that you cant call the police during a particularly bad incident either. If your SW wont listen then ask to speak to their senior. You may also find that the making a complaint if you feel your feelings and safety are being dismissed could be a route to consider. You should clearly be getting more support as a family than you are. It's not ok for you to be the victim of violence in your own home simply because your a step parent to a child who may have additional needs. What support is DSS getting around his attachment issues? Does he have any play therapy as that can help? Speak to your GP about counselling for yourself as that can help in stressful times.

[HotPenguin]

You need to access more support, your local authority should have a list of support services for for SEN. In my area there's an autism charity that provides training in dealing with challenging behaviour, including how to deal with violence. You need this sort of specialist support. It is out there but you have to look for it and in many cases pay, you can't rely on social services or GP.

This is how I have used zones of regulation, which has really helped me, although my situation is not as difficult as yours sounds, so I appreciate this may not be appropriate for you.

I gave my DS a small card split into 4 with the 4 colours on, and in each I wrote two emotions. I explained what the card was. Then when he was in an ok mood I asked him "what colour are you?" And at first I had to prompt e.g. you are smiling so I think green. So he learnt what the colours meant.

Now when he starts to get angry I say: ok I can see you are yellow, how can we get back to green?

Sometimes he loses it and is smashing walls, doors etc and I say ok I can see you are red, you are feeling bad, and I try and talk him down back to green. This is so much more effective than the way I used to respond because it removes the blame - it's like I am saying ok you are in a bad place how can we resolve it, rather than saying DS you are bad.

This method has really helped my DS to recognise when he is getting angry and to take steps to calm down before he loses it. It's also helped him to realise that when he loses it he does things that he feels bad about later.

[HotPenguin]

PS I'd suggest posting on the SEN boards where there are people with much more experience than me.

[Dis19]

@HollowTalk I know that if he dad got with any female even superwoman he would still have the same problems and do the same stuff that's how we got his diagnosis

[Dis19]

@QOFE thank I will deffinetly have a look into that

[Dis19]

@JanusLooksBothWays social services in our area are not great tbh I have my own social worker who "works with me" who I had before I was in this relationship none of them are interested as none of this is about me or his dad only about the child which I understand to a certain point but they do not listen to anything we say and wear rose tinted spectacles

[Dis19]

@blackcat86 we have recently discussed the police thing and have decided that after the biting we will have to get then involved the next time it happen as horrible as it is, it is gbh. I have already made a complaint about our family support workernas he made some very inappropriate comments about how it's all my fault and only started when I came along which is completely untrue, he also lied several times about certain things but it went to his manager and nothing got said and he is still our worker after requesting a new one several times

[Dis19]

@blackcat86 as for support for his SAD there has been nothing he got diagnosed and discharged and we have got no where since no one is willing to help us get him into any kind of therapy so we got offered this support worker who has done nothing other then not listen to us and falsely accuse me of child abuse which I got completely ignored cleared of and would never hurt anyone. Many of my friends agree that the support in our ares is appalling

[Dis19]

@HotPenguin we have a colour feeling chart very similar to that but it didn't seem to work we will try the way that you do and see if that any better, imwill also look into the charities and see if any are specialist in this. I will post this kn there thank you!

[CatsandGods]

Hey im not a step parent but have an autistic son with a PDA profile. My sons has violent meltdowns i have been punched kicked had objects flung at me, not going to lie its tough and draining. The way i look at these are panic attacks as he can have crippling anxiety because of the PDA and the meltdown is a symptom of that,he loses all sense a of control and cant regulate his emotions. You need to try seperate the behaviour from the child if it is ASD he is not doing it on purpose, theres no miracle cure, just trial and error looming for patterns to stop the melt down before it happens. My son masks in school, when all the demands of school build up, i get it when he comes home. Does your stepson get angry or look for excuses when you ask him to do something such as put on your shoes, get ready, tody your room etc? Look up the PDA society website and read their information sheet. If it is PDA you need change the way you u speak to the child its exaussting but demand can trigger meltdown or build up the anxiety, use distractions and making things into a game. I hope you get to the bottom of it for all your sakes.

[whatdoyouthinkyouknow]

Please see if you can get access to family therapy. Sometimes funded through CAMHS sometimes by your LA.

There will be help available. Social
Services should be pointing you in this direction.

Family therapists, especially those with training in autism will be able to help.

At the very least you need a regular TAF meeting (team around the family). This should be organised by the lead professional, I'm assuming in your case this will be a social worker.

It all sounds very hard.
It also sounds like attachment disorder that can mimic autistic traits. That is not to say he can't have both.

[CatsandGods]

Another thing is autsim stratagies just wont work with a child with PDA. I have done charts etc.., they lead to more anxiety and in turn a melt down.

[Dis19]

@Catsandgods that sounds alot like him I will deffinetly have a look into that thank you, we know it's not going to be easy and this a rest of your life kinda thing but until we know what we are looking for or know what he has then it's really hard to pin point everything.

[Dis19]

@whatdoyouthinkyouknow
Yes alot of the symptoms are similar to each other as well as a personality disorder we just need to work out what we are working with, CAHMS have us the initial diagnosis and discharged him that day and won't have us back and say they cant help we need a family support worker but he doesn't have a clue what he is doing becuase he has never known anything like it

[CatsandGods]

Excuse my typos sorry🙈

[Annaminna]

Have you been considering that because he has the attachment issue due his mum left him he might struggle with new relationships.
You are another female figure in his life and I got impression that you are trying to be heavily involved as a stepmother very quickly.
For him it can be self protection issue: Another lovely woman. She is acting like a mother so she will leave me like my mother did.
If I can force her to show her "true face" (i.e. make her leave soon) I will be less hurt, compared with the possibility that she will be her for long time, I will love her and then she will leave me. Then it will hurt more. Lets make her leave now when I still can survive another abandonment.

Children, specially when they are approaching teenager age, are irrational with they thinking/feelings.
Before you were just his dads friend and he did not have to worry that you will leave him.
Now you are living together as a family so he is facing a real possibility that you will act like a mother so that means you will leave him because, in his world, that what mothers do.

[Dis19]

@annaminna yes we have done a lot of research however he has never known his birth mum and he got told late last year and this situation has been going on for 7 yea
rs so that doesn't play a massive part in this, he also knows I am not trying to be his mum I don't want to be his mum he is not my child and he is happy with that but yes there have been a lot of female family members in and out of his life ie nana and grandma they just don't see him often

[SuperLoudPoppingAction]

It reads as though you're expecting him to be able to rationalize the situation like an adult might.
Sorry if that isn't the case - it might just be the difficulty of typing it all out.

For whatever reason, he's struggling.

He might express himself in ways you don't often come across, and that is often disruptive. But it's also a form of communication.

Sometimes part of reaching a child in this kind of difficulty is about working out how he's communicating with you, and how you can best respond so he feels held and cared for and seen.

From experience of ds2 who was similar at that age, there might be a greater ability to vocalize the cause of distress when he is a few years older.

What activities does he enjoy at the moment? Is there anything you can do parallel to him that might feel like a safe way of spending time together?

If you can connect when he's more calm it might eventually get easier when he's in distress for him to communicate in safer ways.

How much energy has his dad put into this?

[Dis19]

@SuperLoudPoppingAction all I am going to say to that is that his dad has been battling this for 7 years and has and continues to put as much effort in as possible. Why do people always jump to the dad. His dad has been there every single day the same cannot be said for his mother