Struggling with DSCs

[cantstopstressing]

I know I am going to get blasted for what I am about to say but I want to know if what I am feeling is normal and what, if anything, I can do about it. DH and I have been together for 8 years and have a 14 month old son. My two DSs (11 and 9 years) live with us full time and have EOW with their dad. DSD and DSS live with us 50% of the time. DH and I met some time ago when DH was living in a 1 bed flat following breakdown of his marriage to his ex although still had DSD 50% on the time. They all moved in around 4 years ago as I have a much bigger house, big enough for each child to have their own rooms. Problem is that DSC (now 16 years and 14 years) drive me crazy when they are not really doing anything terrible. The main issue is that they constantly boast how wonderful/clever/amazing they are at everything and even blatantly lie, e.g. DSS told DS they had had been scouted for a well known football team, which turned out to be a pack of lies. DH seems to constantly indulge them, they never lift a finger to help around the house, make their beds etc but lay around on their phones constantly. It's not helped by the fact that I work full time and am always super stressed whereas DH has a way more relaxed (and much less well paid job) which only requires him to be in the office a few hours at the time. I pay nearly all the mortgage and basically feel like I am working like an idiot to support them. The house just feels taken over by them and it feels like they are constantly trying to put down my DSs which makes me super-protective. The only solution I can think of is for DH and I to live separately, i.e. he with DSCs and me with my DSs but now we have DS so this really isn't practical. Any advice?

[sue51]

Your DH gets violent when you try to talk about the children. Have you reported him to the police? This alone would be the end of a marriage for me.

[cantstopstressing]

Thank you all. Really helpful comments that I have taken onboard whilst I try to resolve this situation.

[ArtAttack999]

I really feel for you OP, but I couldn’t love someone who treated my children (and myself) like that. DP and I live apart, a couple of streets away from each other, with our respective children. DP has his kids fifty percent of the time, and the rest of the time he’s with us. We all spend time together at least once a week and go on holiday together. We have quite different parenting styles so we can each be the parent we want to be in our own homes, while still having our relationship. It’s quite a burden financially, but we’ll get a place together once all the kids have left home- they are teenagers now. It works for us.

[Komersantka]

A solution may be to say that contact needs to be reduced. Essentially, if the behaviour of husband and children is so poor it goes down to alternate weekends. If their dad wants it back up to fifty per cent then he ensures they behave like family members and he makes dinner for all the kids without this ridiculous distinction. If he and they aren’t part of the family and want to separate off into this fantasy land, why are they there? He may also want to reflect that getting into these habits of obnoxious behaviours is not good for the kids themselves - once they get out into the world with that attitude, they will find it a very hard life.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I was going to reply fully but if he’s violent you need to kick him out today. Neither you nor your children are safe and you have a responsibility to your children to provide them with a home free of abuse and violence right now. Nothing else matters or is relevant.