Struggling with DSCs

[cantstopstressing]

I know I am going to get blasted for what I am about to say but I want to know if what I am feeling is normal and what, if anything, I can do about it. DH and I have been together for 8 years and have a 14 month old son. My two DSs (11 and 9 years) live with us full time and have EOW with their dad. DSD and DSS live with us 50% of the time. DH and I met some time ago when DH was living in a 1 bed flat following breakdown of his marriage to his ex although still had DSD 50% on the time. They all moved in around 4 years ago as I have a much bigger house, big enough for each child to have their own rooms. Problem is that DSC (now 16 years and 14 years) drive me crazy when they are not really doing anything terrible. The main issue is that they constantly boast how wonderful/clever/amazing they are at everything and even blatantly lie, e.g. DSS told DS they had had been scouted for a well known football team, which turned out to be a pack of lies. DH seems to constantly indulge them, they never lift a finger to help around the house, make their beds etc but lay around on their phones constantly. It's not helped by the fact that I work full time and am always super stressed whereas DH has a way more relaxed (and much less well paid job) which only requires him to be in the office a few hours at the time. I pay nearly all the mortgage and basically feel like I am working like an idiot to support them. The house just feels taken over by them and it feels like they are constantly trying to put down my DSs which makes me super-protective. The only solution I can think of is for DH and I to live separately, i.e. he with DSCs and me with my DSs but now we have DS so this really isn't practical. Any advice?

[firelightbright]

It's clearly not working you all living together. Yes you may have a child together but that doesn't mean you need to stay together. You have different parenting ideas which isn't working and it sounds like it's making your home life very unhappy. Is it really worth staying together?

[WatcherintheRye]

It sounds like you are desperate to have your little family - dh, and your 3 ds - around you in your house, without the intrusion of dsd and dss.
It's completely understandable to feel like this, but not realistic, as of course your dh wants his children with him as much as possible, and your youngest ds is entitled to a relationship with his half-br

[WatcherintheRye]

Sent too soon!
Should have read 'half-brother and sister'.

I think you need to have an honest discussion with dh about how you are feeling.

[cantstopstressing]

I don't know. I feel torn between trying to make it work because I love DH very much and of course want DS3 to have his dad here. I feel heartbroken at the thought of another divorce, separation etc. But I feel like I am paying an awful price. I know DH wants me to have a close relationship with them but I tried the other night and literally it was a whole evening of how amazing DSS is. They have left their rooms a pig sty again, beds unmade, DSD's used sanitary pads overflowing in the bin. I just feel massively resentful. I know DH has to put them first and of course wants them to be happy and provide a nice home for them. I just don't want to have to provide a home for his kids. Maybe I would feel differently if we paid 50/50. I just feel used.

[cantstopstressing]

Watcher, we can't honestly. I've tried and DH literally loses the plot, gets violent. He sees everything as an attack on his kids. To be fair, I have been quite cold/uninteractive with them which I know upsets him.

[Beamur]

You and your DP really need to sit down calmly and talk this through.
Your feelings are quite valid and even non step families need to behave kindly and not selfishly around each other.
From the incident with the papers, the boasting and the laziness, I'd suggest that they feel insecure in the house and are trying to assert some kind of stake. Which is pretty counter productive as it's making you want to kick them out.
You shouldn't be doing everything for them and from what you say DP needs to do more around the house generally.
The breakfast comment has me astounded - do they expect you to do it? What would happen if you just tell them, as of tomorrow you can sort your own out?

[cantstopstressing]

Beamar, that's exactly it, it's like they are trying to establish a stake of some kind. I overheard DSS telling my DS2 to get out the bathroom as he wanted to go in. Just infuriated me. Re breakfast, they know perfectly well how to do it as I found out that at their mum's they make their own breakfast, keep their rooms tidy and even have to make dinner once a week to get pocket money. Here they get treated like royalty.

[Beamur]

You have a DH problem...

[PrayingandHoping]

Can't you sit together a write a list of chores for all the children? Even children the age of your 2 can do age appropriate chores

Def things like empty bins in rooms and make beds should be on there for all

The younger ones can clear tables, the older ones can do dishes.

It needs to be a united front and then it might get your DH onside easier.

[Lightsabre]

What would your financial position look like if you divorced? Did I read rightly that he is 'violent'?

[FilledSoda]

Violent ?

[Witchydearest]

If your relationship is already going tits up then what do you have to lose? Ask yourself are you happy? Is your H happy? What will make me happy long term? Don’t just stay for any other reason except you love him and he makes you happy. Everything else is just pointless crap. Life is short my lovely. Don’t you deserve to have stress free happy life. Your a product of how you treat yourself.

[Dillydallyingthrough]

OP your DH is violent? Sorry you need ask him to leave now. I thought it was unfair on your kids anyway being treated like this in their own home. It must be horrible having someone constantly saying that they are better their life is better and watching others treat your home like crap.

If you don't leave for yourself please leave for your DC.

[happycamper11]

I came here to tell you that my 6 year old makes her own breakfast but obviously the fact your DH gets violent outweighs any of this. You seriously need to reconsider your entire living situation!

[Ifeelinclined]

Please leave. He is violent. Do not let your kids grow up like this. Kick him and his kids out.

[monkeymonkey2010]

The problem is that DH earns what he earns doing an interesting but badly paid job. I don't think i can ask/expect him to change job
Of course you can expect - and ask - him to chnage to a better paying job!
Even if it's stacking shelves!
He's got children to support and a household to contribute towards!

He certainly landed on his feet with you didn't he?
You provide and pay for almost everything whilst he and his brood rule the roost.
He just throws you the occasional breadcrumbs and expects you to be pathetically grateful for them.
I hate to say it but i think he married you more for your money and the lifestyle you could provide for him and his kids.
He can live the life of Riley without having to take any personal responsibility.

Tell him to do one - and take his bratty kids with him.

[swingofthings]

I have noticed that such situation arise very often when the father moves himself and his children in the SM home. Ultimately, SM continues to consider the house her and her children's home and struggling to let go of this appropriation to see the house as the entire family's.

This is not surprising as it takes a lot of love and dedication to make a home feels ours, and going from this to letting go to accept to share it fully emotionally is a massive step.

I think it is a huge error to have one partner moving into the other's one house. When two families blend together, it is important to start afresh to make the new family a 'we', not a 'us' and 'them'.

Your house is not yours any longer and I agree with your OP, why would you leave important paperwork on the floor of his dd's bedroom? It doesn't make any sense. It is her room now, you agreed to it.

Could you sell/ give notice and looked to move to a new place together, or indeed, live separately?

[OhioOhioOhio]

That sounds awful. And your h does sound like a bludger.

[cantstopstressing]

Swingofthings, I agree completely. It just doesn't feel right to have them here. At the time it made sense as I had a much bigger place that could fit all of us but it just does not work. I resent them being here. The problem is that if we were to split 50/50 then we would only be able to afford a 2, possibly a 3 bed in a crap area and I would expect my kids would be sidelined even more if we lived somewhere where DH did own 50%! I have a feeling that we may not see as much of DSC if we lived in a smaller, crappier place further out. Swingofthings, what seems to happen in these situations? One thought I had was that DSD is 16 so surely in a year or two she'll be moving out or at least there will be grounds for me to say that she does not need a big room here and a room at her mum's when she is 18?? The reason papers were on the floor in her room is that her room used to be my office and I literally now have nowhere to work from and put my stuff (I work from home 1-2 days per week and desperately need a proper office for what i do). DSD has a huge room with desk etc which I gave up when she moved in. I paid 35k the year before for a loft conversion, new bathroom etc and it pisses me off that I can't friggin use it! I am getting crosser and crosser as I write this. What on earth can I do?

[Sicario]

Sounds like he's doing the "Disney Dad" for his own children - wanting to be popular with them, to be the laid-back cool dad who is a friend rather than a parent.

My DH did this with his daughter and it drove me demented.

Anyway - you really do need to have this out with him and change the arrangements. There need to be rules for his kids which you are both agreed on. e.g. picking up after themselves, replacing milk from the shop, and anything else that's doing your head in.

They are old enough to know better and to behave better. The other children are younger and will have the same rules when they are older.

Your DH is definitely the problem rather than the kids. Put your foot down and don't budge. Good luck!

[Sicario]

Also take your space back - his kids can cope with a smaller space but you need to be able to work. It sounds like there's some serious disrespecting and taking-for-granted going on in your house.

[punnetofgrapes]

The only problem with EOW parenting is that the time is all too brief. you don't want to upset them when they have just got here and by the time everyone is comfortable and you are in a routine (ie they have pissed you off) you don't want to upset them just as they are going to the other parent.

We wouldn't have the relationship we have without EOW but it is most certainly no walk in the park

[MyCatHatesEverybody]

punnet OP's DCS live with the 50 % of the time, it's her own DS's who have EOW with their dad.

OP you describe your DH as a fantastic dad but clearly he's not. You're enabling him to play disney dad at your expense.

[sassbott]

So to summarise.

You work hard and are the main breadwinner.
You also have your children most of the time so all the logistics that go with that are for you to manage.
Your partner cooks when his kids are there but doesn’t cook every night for his wider family? (Dick move right there).
His children visit EOW and basically treat your home disrespectfully and sadly your DH fully enables / supports this. It’s revolting that you have to clear up anyone else’s used sanitary products. I wouldn’t do that for my own daughter!
You have created a home to suit your needs including a home office at great expense and there is no conversation/ respect / compromise that takes into account your needs.

The post about people not moving in together in someone else’s home? That person must have a money tree with copious 50 pound notes. Because in London and surrounding counties the cost of moving so you can simply call it both peoples homes is exhorbitant. I looked into this and to move a mile away, by the time I paid seller fees lawyers fees, stamp duty, removal (and that’s without taking into account the sheer stress and upheaval of buying / selling a house) I would be out of pocket minimum 50-60k.

So whilst the sentiment is nice of everyone should do this? It comes at a great cost.

This is nothing to do with whose home it is. It has to do with the fact that these children are not being taught to be respectful and compromise.
And the husband is taking the proverbial.

That won’t change wherever they live.

OP. This is not going to get better or easier.
Sell the house and downsize if needs be to relieve the financial pressure on you (smart). But don’t do it thinking it will magically fix what is going on.

I feel for you. Personally? I wouldn’t want to live my life this way. And if anyone repeatedly spoke to my kids this way? Yeah. They wouldn’t be welcome either. He’s putting his kids and their needs first. Can you say you’re doing the same for yours?

[Sofasurfer123]

So is your husband at home looking after your baby while you employ a nanny for your nine-year-old? And he won't cook for your children or for you when he's already at home and enjoying a house and a lifestyle that you work hard and pay for? So he takes from you but gives very little back? I think you know that it isn't a situation that is sustainable, and it also sets up a terrible example of a relationship for your children.