Anger/frustration

[Giggles89]

How do all you mums who's step kids mums are intolerable,vindictive,narcissistic and just generally infuriating cope? Where do you vent your anger to? I'm on the edge right about now and really don't know how to channel all the anger that I have towards her.

[WitchyMcpooface]

It got worse for us when BM met someone else. She’s married now and doesn’t need us, so no longer communicates with us because she doesn’t have too apparently. Before she was just a pain in my arse and my SD was the problem. Then when she met her now husband her behaviour just got worse. She lies to her daughter all the time. She wasn’t so bad with her previous partner but we know she has spun a web of lies to this one. My SD is 17 now and is extremely loyal to her BM even though she knows what her BM is like. It’s very sad. X

[indy315]

Vent to some one close to you. Have a nice night with a friend and just tel them everything. You will feel so much better afterwards letting it out.

[TwentyEight12]

Sometimes it ends when they get a fella, but not always. In my case this didn’t happen but I have heard from some SMs that it has.

Sometimes, rarely, they let go of the bitterness all by themselves and it ends there.

Sometimes it ends with court cases.

Sometimes it never ends and they die bitter/crazy.

As we all have to live our lives regardless of when they decide to stop being bitter or crazy or both, the only remaining option is as I and many other have said before, to leave the relationship or just disengage. Because you cannot spend and shouldn’t spend large chunks of your life being a victim to someone else’s mental health problems. None of us will ever look back on our deathbeds and think ‘I’m so glad I spent x amount of years worrying about BM and her behaviour’.

They just aren’t worth it.

[blackcat86]

I always try and consider what is happening for mum who I believe to have got pregnant at the first opportunity because her family told when women should be cared for. I feel for her that society continued to change around her and that isn't what happened. However, my patience wears thin now I have my own baby and when I see her blatant neglect of her child. DSS is coming to a pivotal academic point and is floundering with little supervision, guidance or direction. All concerns are ignored and when we look at colleges online or whatever with him, mum just ignores related messages about options or open days. DSS says she simply wont discuss it and is disinterested/head in the sand. I just cant get my head around that lack of interest and caring for your own child. I've detached myself somewhat emotionally but try and keep a welcome and loving home with DH for DSS so he knows we are here. Despite working my way up in a related field I was apparently 'born with a silver spoon in my mouth'. My dps were dirt poor but I understand she doesn't actually care what the truth is.

[ButterflyOne1]

So basically the cycle never ends lol

I did have the vision of when the kids are older then we won't have to deal with her but it will be the future events too. At least it should be less frequent.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

dss is almost 15, and he knows what his mum is like, but unfortunately as time goes on he seems to be accepting it and actually becoming more like her. He first noticed she was a dick when she kicked him out when he was 13.

she does a lot of "its us or them" though and he always sides with her, because he knows she means it, but also knows that we wont abandom him for choosing her.

Its a shit situation all round. The light at the end of the tunnel for me is when he is 18 and legally she has fuck all to do with us. She also owes us a lot of money which is to be paid when dss is 18, so it would be the line drawn under everything, everything settled.

I imagine at future things like weddings / grandchildren / family events she will continue to act like a psycho because that's just who she is.

[TwentyEight12]

I think he was 8 when he came out with it.

[ButterflyOne1]

At what age did your DSC realise the truth? Mine are DSS 12, DSD 9 and DSD 6 and just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[BadgerBadgerMushroom]

My DP is going to mediation with the kids mum today. The angry texts have already started and we've got ages to go yet. Not interested in the children apart from proving to DP that she won.

[TwentyEight12]

Ha! Yeah. When the child figures out what’s going on with the parent causing all the issues, it’s quite an eye opener. I’ve seen it too. My eyes bulged out of my sockets and my jaw hit the floor and I said nothing because I was gobsmacked. He worked it out for himself as we never ever said anything mean or unkind or disparaging about his mother to or in-front of him.

I don’t know what happens to some women after they’ve had children, it’s like they go primal. I’ve seen it in close friends... I’ve had to step away from some of them. I’ve also seen how all their self worth vanishes and gets projected onto the child instead. It’s a big ask and unfair to put so much pressure on to a child to make you happy and fulfilled.

I have actually witnessed a very poorly girl in a hospital bed about to undergo surgery and her mother telling her she must get better because she needed to return to her passion which was going to make her famous and rich and Mummy and Daddy needed her to look after them financially in their old age.

I kid you not. That was another time my eyes bulged and my jaw dropped.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

yeah I never say a bad word about her, pay attention when dss talks about her etc. She is horrible about me, but then she doesn't know me so I don't take it personally.

Its hard to excuse her awful behaviour though saying "mummy is probably a bit upset and not thinking straight I am sure she didn't mean it" or whatever gets wearing when you actually know that mummy doesn't give a shit about anyone but herself and mummy is using you to get at daddy.

Thankfully dss can see that for himself now, but is still blindly loyal to her for whatever reason.

[TwentyEight12]

This is exactly it.

It’s all attention seeking, it doesn’t even matter if the attention/reaction they receive is negative, in their mindset, any attention/reaction is good for them. It feeds the fragile ego.

That’s why it’s best to completely detach and disengage as if they don’t exist. The goal is to become indifferent regards them and their behaviour.

[ButterflyOne1]

@Bonjourfreddie Bless our DPs. It's so good for them to have released the negative issues surrounding their ex's but it is hard for us SM.

I love being nice and happy towards her, it bothers her more. I always say genuine lovely things about the Mum to the kids. They would see through a lie but I'll say things like "Mummy is so good at doing your hair, it looks lovely". I want the kids to see I have no issue with their Mum and the kids if that makes sense).

[hsegfiugseskufh]

happy people don't act like this

this is so true. I have spent years of my life hoping that dps ex would meet the one and be happy so she'd leave us alone. She is finally in a relationship and still a bitter nasty bitch so I guess he is not the one!! dammit!

Its so hard to bite your tongue, and I hate having to take the moral high ground every single time, but there is no other way I don't think!

and @ButterflyOne1 my dp is the same, he has got to the stage where he literally couldn't give a shit about her, he doesn't even hate her, he just doesn't care. She hates it. Hates that she doesn't get a reaction and unfortunately that means she tries to get one out of me.

[ButterflyOne1]

I could have wrote EVERYTHING you wrote!! It's scary how similar our situation is. My DP also left his DC Mum and not them.

The Mum always manipulates the children to stay with her on DP weekends/visits. She is such a weak person and puts all her woos on the kids. She has recently broke up with her DP and now middle child sleeps with Mum as Mum doesn't want to sleep alone.

The damage that women is doing is far worse than their Dad leaving however as SM we can do NOTHING.

I honestly find it's best to breath and release that energy another way as we can not control how she acts, we can only control how react to the situation.

Vent to DP but if your DP is anything like mine, he often says he doesn't want to waste energy talking about her as he left her to get away from her. Come onto MN to have a rant (just expect some cr*p from of of these scorned mums though).

[BadgerBadgerMushroom]

@techway "happy people don't act like this' I think this is going to be my new mantra. It's so true!

[Techway]

What are you hoping to achieve through court? Just ensure it will have benefits or can make tangible changes such as contact hours rather than trying to police her behaviour (which is impossible).

If the question is how do you cope then you have to detach and ensure you do not feed the drama. How do you get on with your sd? If it a genuinely warm relationship then keep your contact time free from stress for her. If she mentions stuff about your partner then you can only reassure her that her dad loves her or answer her questions in an age appropriate way. If he left when she was a baby then she might feel abandoned so needs to hear that it wasn't anything to do with her. If you always put her first then you know you have done your best.

Btw, Some of what you will hear is the mum's interpretations on how her relationship went with your partner. She is entitled to her view. Should she be sharing it with SD is debatable but I suspect she wants you to hear it. Maybe her motives are destructive or she feels she is warning you. If you keep that in mind it might help you to not react.

Regarding his family discussing it, try to minimise any interaction as it just feeds the drama. If she is painting your partner in a bad light, he and you are now doing the same about her. Try to take the high moral ground and don't feed it. I know it's tough but well worth it.

I always think, pit those that are destructive is best. Happy people don't act like this so recognise she is not in a good place and make your time with SD safe and stress free.

How long have you been with partner?

[Giggles89]

Yes some women definetly think they are superior to others for reasons unknown to me I spend 90% of my life biting my tongue and it's all just getting a bit much for me now.

[BadgerBadgerMushroom]

It gets harder when the children start realising what's their parent is doing and you still have to bite your tongue

[TwentyEight12]

LMFAO

[WitchyMcpooface]

I just found it hilarious really! PMSL alot

[TwentyEight12]

@Giggles89

Ha! Yes.

It is a very sad site for watching women attacking other women and men (if any dare or are naive enough) to come here. I wonder what the suffragettes who gave up their freedom and some of them their lives, would say if they could see what has amounted to their ideal of women as a collective.

We aren’t all hostile, bitter, crazy nut jobs who think our uterus is golden.

[Giggles89]

@TwentyEight12 thanks, some people just always feel the need to pick things apart and find fault no matter what is said or done.

[TwentyEight12]

@Giggles89

Save your breath.

They aren’t worth it.

[Giggles89]

Oh and FYI I'm not bitter, I'm annoyed and pushed to my limit by BM and her antics. Big difference between bitter and anger.