AIBU?

[QueenOfIce]

Dsd is 15, shared care 50/50. I don't feel AIBU but dh and I cannot agree on this topic.

Dsd has a doll she plays with, she likes to play in the dining room because apparently the table is the right height. I have no issue with the doll my issue is this.

She opens dining room door shuts herself in, closes the shutters, moves the table and gets on with whatever. Finishes playing gets up and leaves. Leaving the chair out, table still moved (closer to plug for her phone charger) shutters still closed, doll on the table door wide open.

Every time she has to be asked to tidy up and put things back the way she found them. Every. Single. Time.

I am the one who clears it up when she's gone to school having left it and left it until I can't any longer. I sent her and dh a text saying I was unhappy with having to constantly tidy up after her and in future she needs to do it herself. My text was ignored.

So I've said to dh that from now on if she wants to play she does it in her bedroom because I am fed up of either asking her to clear up or doing it once she's gone. He thinks I'm being unreasonable because in his words 'it takes 5 seconds to pick up a doll'

I've asked him for a compromise but he can't give me one thinks we should just keep asking her to clear up after her. I am so fed up! So AIBU?

[QueenOfIce]

Am I missing something here?! So because dsd isn't taking drugs, having sex drinking etc I should be so grateful that I continue to clear up after her when she's finished playing Barbie. No I'm sorry that doesn't work for me. I'm not allowing her to think that someone will always clear up after her. She might be a typical teen but I'm not teaching her it's ok to leave your crap everywhere because stepmum will always clean up. No.

[Br1ll1ant]

You do sound controlling and quite resentful, tbh

[QueenOfIce]

I'm neither I'm just fed up of constantly clearing up after someone who is perfectly capable of doing it herself. I forgot that step children are to be treated like glass. Thanks for all your help.

[Bankofenglandfiver]

15 and playing with Barrie? No SN? There’s something odd going on.

You’re focusing on the wrong thing.

[Bankofenglandfiver]

*barbie

[Lollypop701]

I have a 15 yo who on an Xbox constantly.. surrounded by sweet wrappers, empty cups, plates. I have to tell him constantly to clean up. It’s standard teenage behaviour. Yes it’s frustrating as hell ... my 2nd teenagers bedroom is a bomb site. It’s a constant battle! The repetition is called parenting unfortunately. So yanbu wanting a tidy house, but you are going to have to parent your dsc to get it

[DeadWife]

This is all very strange. Are you local to Royston Vasey?

If serious she's not making that much of a mess. Do you have other DC? Asking because your idea of unbearable untidiness is really quite tame.

[user1493413286]

At 15 she is more than old enough to tidy up after herself. I’ve implemented a similar rule about sweet wrappers on the sofa with DSD. For me it’s not about the mess although I dislike that, it’s about respect and not treating me as the person who is expected to clear up after her constantly

[Russell19]

Barbie? At 15?

[LuxLucetInTenebris]

Tidy the doll away somewhere so that she can't find it next time. She will soon learn to put it away somewhere safe herself. Put a wastebasket in the room for her sweetwrappers. Keep asking her nicely to tidy up. Go and get her to tidy up as she finishes instead of doing it yourself later. Thank her for doing so and tell her it's helpful.
My son kept forgetting to flush the loo. Drove me crackers. I would get him out of his cosy bed- NOT wake him up- and make him flush it. He has learned to remember!

[thisisalawfulinvestigationmaam]

I agree with @user1493413286.
Get her to tidy up EVERY time and iris very much about respect.
I'm amazed by some of the crazy replies on here and how MN swings from one extreme to the other.
A few weeks ago, I was reading on here that a 12 year old should be doing all their own laundry.
This thread suggests that you shouldn't be asking a 15 year old to tidy up after herself?! Madness.
Tell your husband to wobble his head as well.

[vegpatch]

This is all a bit odd. To be so hyper focussed on playing with a doll at 15 definitely seems a bit...unusual. That doesn't feel like the big issue though. I agree, at 15 she is (I imagine) perfectly capable of tidying up after herself. However, I would tread very carefully in this situation. I can see that it might be a bit annoying...I like the house tidy too...but you seem really, really pissed off and resentful about this OP, in a way which suggests that there is more going on in the relationship. The fact that you and your husband are in disagreement about how to deal with dsd, and apparently aren't able to resolve this with a chat, is a bit of an issue I think.
In any family, but much more so in a step- family arrangement, surely building and maintaining good relationships is waaaaay more important that who puts a chair away? Any kind of sanctions/ punishments are just going to cause resentment and division in your family. There must surely be a more light hearted, friendly way you can tackle this by communicating with dsd and DH, surely?

[Petitprince]

You asked if you are being unreasonable. Yes, you are, but you won't listen to people who don't agree with you. Be a bit kinder. She's a kid. She hasn't chosen this situation.

[scratchyfluffface]

If she won't do it, and your DH doesn't think it's a problem because you do it, get him to clear up after her every single time she leaves it a mess when she's played after dinner. I'm guessing he'll soon start supporting you

[swingofthings]

Of course you shouldn't have to put everything back to normal after her. Totally reasonable to expect her to do it. You just need to give her seething to remind her to do it. Do you call her down to do so and she refuses? Call her, say she has 10 minutes to do it (teenagers hate being interrupted) and if she isn't down within 10 minutes, you'll put her doll in a cupboard.

No different to dealing with a 5 year old really :(

[GrumpySausage]

But the OP isn't being unreasonable?! She's 15, I expect my 3 year old to put things back when he's finished playing with them, a 15 year old shouldn't even need prompting!

Whether she's playing with a doll or doing her homework, it's common courtesy to tidy up after yourself. There was a thread on here last week where people said they'd leave their 10 year old home alone for a few hours- but people don't expect a 15 year old to tidy up?

Mumsnet baffles me sometimes.

[EggysMom]

Set the clocks 2 minutes fast (so you have time).
Ask her to reset the dining room when she's finished.
Before leaving for school next day, check if she has.
If she hasn't, you have 2 minutes in which to accompany her back in there and do it together.
Get her into a habit of helping you to put it back how you like it.
Hopefully said habit will then rub off, and she'll start doing it routinely.

[cocomelon23]

Of course she should clear up after herself. My 9 year old isn't allowed to play with the next things until the current things are cleared up. At 15 she should definitely clear up! Not doing so is pure laziness.
A 15 year old playing with Barbie is a whole other issue.

[AbeFroman]

Most of these replies saying you are being unreasonable are purely due to the fact you are a step mum. If this was your own kid they'd say the opposite.
The attitude towards step kids on here is ridiculous.
Of course she should clean up. And playing with a doll so intently at 15 is weird.

[junebirthdaygirl]

I think with teens you have to pick your battles..step child or your own. Its annoying but relationship is key. My dd had one messy room at that stage but l very often choose to ignore it as she was studying hard, involved in lots of activities and l didn't want my time with her to be one of discord. In an ideal world she would pick up but somehow she , maybe unknowingly had made this into a battle ground so don't get sucked in. You can teach her life lessons in other ways.
If your dh always drives her to school he could say as they leave...is all your stuff put away but sounds like he doesn't want to.
I wouldn't force her into her room as it's nice she likes the dining room and too many teens get into a habit of staying in their rooms.
So relationship first. Children are not robots. I'm sure your dm tidying after you on a few occasions. That's life. It's fine to remind her but you sound obsessed.

[WhiteCat1704]

You are right. You shouldn't have to clean up after her. You DH needs to support you or HE cleans up after her- every time!

Now..with all that said I'm looking at a room my almost 18 year old full time SD was using last night and it's a mess..At this point I can only sigh and just tidy it up. I have DHs support, we had a word with SD numerous times..she seems to be blind to the mess..I could make a big deal out of it but it's not worth it. Don't want tension and in the grand scheme of things it's really really not a big deal. Will take me 10minutes to tidy up.
I suppose I'm also more lenient as she has exams approaching too..

To conclude in theory YANBU at all. In practice Pick Your Battles.

[NorthernSpirit]

Jesus Christ...... i’m surprised people think you are being unreasonable. She’s 15, she should be clearing up after herself.

Let the people who think you are being unreasonable continue to be a slave to their little snowflakes.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

@MrsTerryPratchett in that case, where's my Duran Duran mix-tape ?

Look, no-one is saying that OP should just forget the tidying. But setting up a battle of wills with teenagers is ultimately frustrating. SD will keep doing what she's doing and OP will keep nagging her to change. It's not working at the moment, is it? So change the dynamic.

Or keep grinding your teeth and allowing people on the internet to call your SD weird, I dunno. Whatever works for you I guess.

[beeRB]

Just pick your battles. How long does it take you to move the table back and clear away a few wrappers? 5 min? Just do it and stop being so angry

Life could be a lot worse and the anger you seem to have about 5 minutes of sorting is not good for your own stress or wellbeing levels (or that of your husbands...)

Let it go and breathe!

[boringlyboring]

It’s not controlling to want furniture to be put back where it is how bizarre.

Tell her to play in her bedroom. She can move her bed and furniture about as much as she wants then.