Power struggle with step-daughter?

[Anuta77]

Hi there,
I need advice on how to handle a situation with SD, who's generally a nice girl. We used to have a good relationship, but I don't know how to qualify our relationship since my baby, almost 11 months, is born. She normally comes every other weekend during the school year and stays for a few days in a row here and there during the summer, so now tension is a bit higher since there's more contact.

She has 3 older brothers but she's in love with the baby. Which is normal, but what surprises me is that she seems jealous about the BABY. I had situations, when he was a new born, where she would grab him in the way that I explained not to do. She would try to wrestle the stroller out of my hands, instead of just asking. She would try to grab the baby our of my arms without asking. If he cried, she would try to run to him before me. She would say it's her baby, not mine.....And it wasn't because she wasn't allowed to play with him. She was. But she wanted more. While it was in small quantités it was ok. But now that she's more time with us, it's more frequent and it annoys me and I want so much to be nice, but I feel fake and I feel bad about it!

She's often behind giving me advice on what to do about the baby. "Did you wash his hands?", "Did you change his diaper, he peed?", "Did you clean up after him?", "But if you move the stroller, he'll be on the sun", "But if you put him on the ground, he'll eat the mulch", "Don't go too far away in the lake, it's deep"....Worse than my mom. Not to mention that she could kiss him 10 times in like 5 min when I hold him, which to me feels like smothering. I like affection, but in too big of a quantity, to me it feels like it's an invasion of space and I can't help but feel annoyed. To me, siblings are there to play with each other, which she gets to do a lot, so I don't understand this involvement.

To this, I should add that she told me stupid twice this week, supposedly as a joke. She also told me that she doesn't think I'll be in her life when he has a baby, because I will be separated from her father, that we're staying together just for the baby....

Should I just swallow it? But then I have trouble being authentic with her. Or should I say something? I want a good relationship...

[Cherubfish]

How old is she, OP? She sounds quite young?

This all seems really normal. Many siblings (full siblings as well as step siblings) react a bit like this towards a new baby - it’s natural for them to be jealous as they’ll be getting less attention. The slightly obsessive behaviour sounds normal as well.

Maybe some extra one-to-one time with her Dad would help?

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

No don’t just swallow it. Would you swallow it if you were her mother? Not a chance. You’d keep explaining that you were in charge. Then give her things to do with the baby that made her feel responsible like playing with her, but keeping an eye.

You have to be genuine.

[nonnatushouse]

She sounds quite young. My DSD was almost 4 when DD came along.

She was quite rough with her at times, used to grab her and haul her about. At the time, we were still at the stage of OH being of the opinion that she was his daughter and he would do the discipline etc. Looking back, I wish I’d laid the law down a bit more as it really used to make me cringe and I didn’t dare raise my voice or change my tone when speaking to her.

I don’t think it’s exclusive to step kids though, our friends were round at the weekend and they’ve got an almost 4 year old girl and a 6 week old boy. The little girl was very much the doting sister but she got a little rough at times and of course at that age they’re clumsy too, she reminded me so much of DSD when DD was a baby.

[Magda72]

Hi @Anuta77 - sounds very hard. How old is she?
I have something similar going on with my dp's youngest who's 12. We have no kids together but like your dsd he is always 'on my case' so to speak. He corrects everyone but especially me & disagrees with literally everything I say. He also plays a weird oneupmanship game with my dd who's also 12 but way more mature - eg. if she recommends a book to him he tells her it's rubbish, he corrects her a lot too especially about how she handles her dog & is always trying to get the dog away from her which really upsets her. Dp & his older brothers have never told him off. He's a bright kid & has lately really started to belittle dp - laughing (not in a jokey way) at him when he doesn't know stuff. He threw an entire plate of scrambled eggs in the bin the other morning as dp hadn't let him cook them himself as we were in a rush & he didn't like the way dp cooked them - told dp he's an awful cook & he doesn't like his cooking.
For the last 3 years I've put his behaviour down to his being insecure & young & getting used to things & I left dp to it. But I can see now that the lack of reigning him in has actually done him a disservice and he's now coming across as being quite unpleasant & manipulative at times.
I did say to dp the other morning that I can no longer stay quiet about his behaviour esp the way he speaks to people, & that I will be saying no to him if & when I need to & that I will be calling him out on his rudeness.
Dp gets it but is terrified (like a lot of dads) of pushing him away. However as a result of this he now sees he's dealing with a preteen who has no respect for anyone.
My point being that depending on dsds age you need to nip this in the bud (in an age appropriate way), explain who's the adult & who's in charge & tell her she should not be calling anyone stupid! Otherwise you could be dealing with this type of behavior long term.
Also, depending on her age, would it be possible to give her some set jobs with/for the baby & maybe she might fuss around you less?
💐

[Anuta77]

Thank you so much for your replies, ladies.
DSD is 11, soon to be 12. Although sometimes she acts like a baby. And she can be very sweet, especially with her dad, so he thinks I'm exaggerating and tells me that my son (10) does the same. The difference is that my son doesn't try to overrun me and if he's not polite, I put him in his place.

But I guess with her, I'm afraid that she won't love me (I've been in her life for 4 years now and I used to think I was lucky to have her). She's very close to her mother, starts missing her after a week with us. She gets lots of affection from dad. I have quiet a few rules in our house, so already there, I come across as "severe" and since the baby is born, the number of rules increased.

I often ask her to help me with the baby and she does it enthusiastically and I feel grateful for that, but it seems that as soon as I give some freedom to people regarding my baby, they start getting over-involved (I have a somewhat similar situation with a neighbouring old lady who comes to play with him, but she's generally very respectful).

Basically, I don't know how to make her stop telling me what to do without sounding mean.

[Cherubfish]

OK, from your post I was assuming a much younger child. In that case I do think you can be firm when she is too rough with the baby or she says unkind things to you.

[RandomMess]

I think you should read "How to listen so kids can talk...." and their other book "Siblings without rivalry"

I think what your DSD needs to hear are statements describing her likely feelings "You wish the baby was yours", "You wish your Mum and Dad were still together", "You both love the baby and are jealous because you wish it was yours/your sibling with your Mum & Dad" and so on.

Conflicting feelings are difficult whatever age you are and she's being usurped as her Dads baby, his new family is being cemented with the baby and so on...

[Magda72]

When she's with you guys who else is in the house?
I ask because one thing I've noticed about sdc dynamics is that if dp is here with me & my 12 & 16 year old during the week (he generally works away) it's very chill. My kids have activities/friends etc. & while we will all eat together they are not stuck to me or us. When dp's kids are here they are glued to him. They are 12, 15 & 18, have very few activities, don't socialize with school friends & do very little with their mum outside the home. As a result even though they should be getting more independent they're not because they rely on their dad for all their socializing, fun activities etc.
On weekends when all kids are here my guys will happily do their own thing re tv, cinema, reading in their bedrooms, making themselves lunch etc. but dp's are literally with us all the time esp the 12 yr old - dp is literally followed from room to room.
Point I'm trying to make is that is it she & the baby in the house when she visits or is there anyone else in the house or calling in (siblings, relatives) who could deflect some of the attention and intensity away from the dynamic of her & the baby? Give her another focus so to speak? If it's just her & the baby it must be quite intense.
My dd (12) has two younger half siblings on her dads (nrp) side - they are 3 & 2, & honestly while she's mad about them & spends lots of time playing & helping, she also couldn't care less (in a healthy way). I think a big part of this is because when she's at her dads ewo she hangs out with her older brother (16) & his gf sometimes, she has a weekend activity she does over there every Saturday, she spends time with her sm's family who are always popping in as are her own dgps, & she often has friends over/goes to friends houses.
She doesn't spend a lot of one on one with her dad anymore but doesn't really need to as she's learning to separate from both her parents & create a little life for herself.
Personally I think this is far healthier than dp's kids being so dependent on him for absolutely everything.
I only outline all this to you as I sometimes feel the nrp kids 'visiting' becomes this thing that is viewed as being outside the normal running of family life - ie weekends get put on hold while the kids are here as they have to be given full attention. I think that's bad for all concerned & I'm wondering would it also be a good idea to have other stuff for your dsd to do when she's with you that gives her some time away from the baby & a bit of independence?

[lunar1]

Why did it surprise you that she was jealous of her dad having a baby? Even full siblings feel that way when a new one comes along. It's the biggest thing you prepare an older sibling for during pregnancy. Did you husband do this with his child or was he equally surprised?

[HeckyPeck]

To the bossing around I’d say something like

“Yes I’ve done all this before when DS was a baby.” The first time then just “yes I know.” On repeat after.

Calling me stupid I’d take a harden line on and tell her calling people stupid is rude and not to do it.

Re kissing, when it’s too much I’d say “ahh that’s lovely that you love baby so much, baby needs a bit of space now” then move the baby away.”

“It’s my baby.”.....gets “Do you like being a big sister?”

“You’ll be separated and are only together for baby”...... gets “that’s not a nice thing to say”

You can’t let it go though because it will get more and more annoying and you’ll end up bursting and saying things you don’t mean and can’t take back.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

Point I'm trying to make is that is it she & the baby in the house when she visits or is there anyone else in the house or calling in (siblings, relatives) who could deflect some of the attention and intensity away from the dynamic of her & the baby? Give her another focus so to speak? If it's just her & the baby it must be quite intense.

Really helpful advice there as usual from Magda.

I think this was one of my main difficulties too, my DSDs were always in the house 24/7. I actually created my own space in a small room to go to sometimes with the baby, as it was way too intense in our very open plan living space. It’s not healthy for our SDs or us to be so intense with the baby too. Sounds like your SD is at a loss a bit of her own role in life, she needs activities, friends, to read a book or go out with her Dad sometimes too.

Also, don’t be caught up in trying to never be mean so not saying anything. You can always say it lightly, ‘hey no I’m the Mum! One day you’ll be the Mum and get all the say! But thanks I like it that you want to be so helpful, really do. You could put the kettle on for me if you really want to help. Or later I’d love it if you could... insert baby activity, after dinner.’

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

Good suggestions from HeckyPeck too!

There’s some very wise and helpful step mums on this forum.

[SandyY2K]

I will be separated from her father, that we're staying together just for the baby.

I'd be tempted to say..

Wow..[DSD name], Can you pick my lottery numbers next week with your ability to see into the future?

11 year olds know what their saying. They know right from wrong.

She knows if a friend was mean to her or vice versa it's not acceptable.

Children...step or otherwise should always be taught that adults have feelings too and can get hurt and upset when people aren't nice to them.

Too much poor behaviour is excused by parents, when it should be nipped in the bud.

[midgesummer]

Thinking through the staying together for dc this sounds very like something that she might have heard during her parents breakup or by someone afterwards. Her lived experience is that adults have dc and break up so it's not surprising that she is concerned about this. She has formed a strong attachment to a sibling whose link is through her df, who has already shown he isn't reliable in terms of sticking in family life from her view point.
I think the advice of randommess is good, try saying out loud what you think you are hearing. "You are really concerned baby is looked after properly" when she is pointing out potential issues, or " it can seem really stressful keeping babies safe"
She is positive about baby so focus on this, she could have had a very different approach. Consider how sad it is for her that her df is managing to make family life work with a another family that doesn't have her but another dc at it's heart.

[Anuta77]

Wouw, thank you so much ladies for useful advice!

I never had the impression that DSD was jealous of her dad. She's much more attached to her mother, she even still sleeps with her. She can barely spend a week with us (and her dad is very affectionate with her and she gets along well with my son, not to mention loving the baby) without starting to ask when she's going back to mom's...

I will try to figure out her feelings and also educate her a bit, as her dad doesn't seem to see an issue there.

[takeittakeit]

OP -she is hugely insecure.

She is trying to protect your baby, her sibling from what has been done to her and she is deeply insecure about her place in the new family.

Her DF along with her mother - messed up her life. and her new sibling has the same DF and you. She does not trust either of you not to mess it up.

[Anuta77]

@takeittakeit
I don't understand your statements takeittakeit. What has been done to her? And why her life has been messed up? My son was abandoned by his father and he has to watch my partner giving affection to his daughter and our baby much more than to him (as they are both introverts) and I don't feel that his life is messed up.

[takeittakeit]

OP - your son is not your DPs father. Completely different dynamic.

You don't feel his life is messed up - not about what you feel though is it. It is about what your son feels - you say he is an introvert - ever considered how he feels about new DC having a father and a mother thrust in his face every day.

if you can not see why she might be jealous about the baby - like any new sibling in any family then you are being naive. Her commentsabout you splitting up are the big indicators of her insecurity

[Spanglyprincess1]

I recognise this slightly, my baby is six weeks old and the youngest DSC loves him but is far too rough. We constantly re-enforce how much baby is smiling and happy to see them but they need to be gentle, same as when they handle small animals! We also reenforce the relationship as permenant. Eg look how much your brother likes you, hes smiling. And if questioned about the future saying : he is your brother no matter what happens that will never change and you will always see him same as mommy and daddy and your other siblings.
The youngest also helps pick baby outfits for the day and helps pack the baby bag when we go out - useful tasks that make them feel important.
The only thing I haven't been able to impact is the constant touching of me and baby while I'm breastfeeding, it freaks me out and I don't like it but it's almost impossible to stop. Dp often tries to entertain them or I try and feed in another room ( but am often followed).
Regarding the rude comments, that's not acceptable. Older children know when they are being hurtful, tbh I'm blunt and would say so eg that's a very hurtful and rude thing to say, if you can't say something nice then say nothing.