Troublesome step daughter

[mumtoateenger75]

I need to vent
Does anyone else find being a step mum to a step daughter like your banging your head against a wall
Nothing I do is right and OH does not see my point

[MachineBee]

Greensleeves is giving excellent advice. Wish you’d been around for me in the early years!

[mumtoateenger75]

Thankyou greensleeves you have made me feel so much better and less guilty about how I feel
I think your right I don't want her in my life as all she does is try to hurt me and as much as I understand he is stuck in the middle I feel hurt that he allows it and doesn't stand up and say enough is enough x

[mumtoateenger75]

She is 20 now and quite frankly she doesn't need me in her life no more than I need her
I think as long as he has a relationship with her that's important I would never stand in the way of that
But I know he won't let it lie he just wants us all to play happy families

[Greensleeves]

It's really disrespectful of him to keep pushing and pushing when he knows you don't want to engage. I would call his bluff and tell him that either he respects your right to determine your own relationships, or he buggers off and finds himself somebody who will be more open to being treated like dirt by his adult daughter.

She's 20, not 6. He's being ridiculous.

[mumtoateenger75]

Precisely!
I just know the last time I said I wanted nothing to do with her he copped and sulked for days

[Greensleeves]

That'll be where she gets her charming attitude from, then!

[mumtoateenger75]

She is very manipulative always has been she actually broke his last relationship and her heart is set on doing the same to ours

[mumtoateenger75]

It's like she will never be happy until he is single

[Bumbelinadance]

I broke up with ex 4 year dp 9 months ago not because of step children but because of issues with their Mum ( and him )

It took me a long time to realise it was him not supporting me that was the problem
And also I realised he had played a part As he had treated her badly in the marriage ( a bit came to my ears from outside sources but if I am honest I came out of love blinded denial through counselling )
Used me to goad her somewhat
And painted her to me as “ the mental ex “ ( yawn )
I became the new “ mental ex “ after I left him

I miss them still as does my Ds
Very much
I dream about them sometimes
I still sent birthday and Xmas and haven’t figured out when I should stop . Any ideas . He doesn’t send to Ds or contact him and has a new girlfriend although I get the impression former dsd ( 8 and emails me sometimes ) hasn’t met her or knows this . She just thinks I moved away as I don’t like the weather where they live

He won’t let me see them
Control I think
He won’t talk to me about it or at all actually

They were young not teenagers though and really lovely children
So Their Mum must have been doing something right I realised a bit late in the day

They are locked in a huge , to my mind destructive ,expensive legal battle over maintenaince and access years after divorcing which I hear through the grapevine ( and former dsd ) is really upsetting the kids

I am not comparing my experience to yours op or anybody else who has posted as I know the dynamics are different

[Eddie1940]

I think the suggestions about disengaging from the relationships with dsc don t take into account though that you may well find there is little left between you and Dh . Our dsc lived with us and their needs - and his wish to prioritise them ( at 18 and 20) meant there was very little left for us . His dsc sabotaged repeatedly things he wanted me to include them in including my birthday and xmas . In effect I was living a single life

[Lovemusic33]

Same as Eddie I finally had enough when I had to spend birthdays alone as there would always be some kind of drama around my birthday that dh had to deal with.

I think you need to have a serious talk with him and threaten to walk away from it all. His dd is an adult and she should not be causing trouble between you, if he can’t see what she’s doing and refuses to do anything about it then leave. Don’t feel that this is her winning, if your dh cares about you then he will do something about it.

[MachineBee]

Some men just expect all child raising related matters to be dealt with by the woman in the home. They see no distinction between the old and new set ups. The pass on all responsibilities for the kids on to their new DP/DW without giving her any authority to discharge that responsibility. New DP throws herself into it all because she wants to show she accepts his kids and build a happy home and is baffled when she hits a brick wall time and time again. After all, she’s doing so much for them all and it’s simply not acknowledged, never mind appreciated. Before long she’s become the wicked SM and resentment grows on all sides. The DSCs think she’s trying too hard and are disengaging. After all, they didn’t ask her to cook and clean for them, remember their birthdays and make sure they get nice presents at Xmas. What does it matter if she’s lain awake in bed when they don’t come home until the early hours. And she can be a very convenient ‘lightening rod’ for all their resentments about their parents split, whether or not SM was the OW. If they are mean to her they might just get their DFs attention, and if he’s not that engaged with them, that’s what they crave. Any fallout to the ‘relationship’ with their SM isn’t important to them.

My experience was like this and has only improving by my stepping back and making it clear to my DH that all of this is his responsibility. I still do the washing (it’s my thing) but when his DC are with us he now does the majority of meals, taxi runs, present buying etc. And finally I’ve got him to sort out arrangements for school holidays in plenty of time.

I still have to fight my instincts to sort stuff out for them and worry that it will seem to the kids that I don’t care about them. But I do care and am interested in their health and happiness. I have to tell myself that the best thing I can do for them is make sure they have a good relationship with their father, and my stance now is the best way I know to do that. Perhaps one day they will work out for themselves that I am a positive in their life.

[swingofthings]

She's an adult now, an adult who doesn't like you as much as you clearly don't like her. You think she's manipulative, she probably thinks exactly the same of her. You gave her presents because you felt you had to but probably wouldn't have cared to do so, she just didn't bother.

Your OH is still hoping that your differences can be ironed out because being in the middle, he probably can see both position. Of course he's not going to discipline her now and risk his relationship with her, she's an adult.

Either you do give it a try because in a perfect world, you too would prefer if you could somehow get along, or you are not interested or don't think it will work and so let him have the relationship with her he wants to have.

[Eddie1940]

It was nt the case my DH expected me to all domestic stuff - we shared it really - I also paid half of everything related to dsc . It was just he had little time for me and refused to acknowledge my experiences with them .

[livefornaps]

Tell your husband to just get on with having a relationship with HIS daughter. You gave it your best shot, it didn't work. You don't want to waste your time upsetting an adult. Shoehorning you in to dinners/days out isn't doing you any good - you both clearly resent the other and it's going to push you to the point where you want to jump ship. She'll get her dad to herself when she sees him. If she comes to stay, your husband can pay for you to go elsewhere (with room service). It may seem like she's just getting what she wants, but fuck it. She didn't ask for any of this. She just wants her dad; she can have him. See how long her obsessional behaviour lasts after that - my guess is, not very. It can be a real jolt for young people to suddenly "get what they want". If your husband complains, tell him to shut the fuck up. That you are fed up after spending years of your life not being backed up in a situation that was impossible to fix on your own, and that now you would just like a little peace.

[MachineBee]

That’s rubbish Eddie.

My DH’s own DF died when he was young and I think he just didn’t have a clue how to be a Dad. He’s learned a lot over the past few years.

[SandyY2K]

Why is it down to you to make an effort? It takes 2 and she's not a child anymore.

He needs to realise the two of you will probably never get along and he'll have to settle for pleasantries and small talk.

I don't understand why he's not addressed it with her...especially as she caused the last relationship to break down.

Maybe you could say you'll give it one last chance...and if you don't see a change it effort from her that will be it.

[mumtoateenger75]

It's been an ongoing thing I have been with my OH for 5 years and she has had one issue after another and I think my problem was I always cooperated with her gave in to her demands like no affection shown in front of her and her slagging me off on social media and when approached it was said it's her personal diary I shouldn't be looking if it upsets me and my OH always backed her
I think I have just come to realise that my back is against the wall I have did my best and that still isn't good enough she is now 20 and I cannot blame her behaviour in " she is just a child" anymore
I feel hurt by 2 things

1. That I've always tried to do the best by her and its never been enough
2. I feel completely unsupported by my OH and maybe if he took more of a enough is enough role the outcome would be very different

I wouldn't tolerate by own daughter treating me this way so why should I accept his
So for my own sanity I need to shut it down and promote his relationship with her but stand back from mine as it's beginning to affect me and us
I just know he isn't supportive of me doing that and feels I need to try harder

[mumtoateenger75]

I have a fab relationship with OH son do I can't be that bad of a step mum

[Lostmum72]

I just wanted to say I feel your pain op, and why do these dads think we can just forget things and move on, I can’t just box it up like he can. I had similar horrible texts sent to me and spiteful things put on social media, it was sort of dealt with but no I never got an apology either, and I’m meant just to forget everything and carry on. How do you do that? My dp also struggles with the discipline as there’s never a good time, he doesn’t want to mention anything when they’ve just walked in the door but neither does he want to mention anything before they leave either it always has to be the right time which it never is 😤, but op does he realise how much this gets to you? Do you talk about it or does he get defensive like my dp?

[mumtoateenger75]

Massively defensive
To the point I feel I can't talk to him about it now x

[Lostmum72]

If you find a way of breaking that down, let me know x

[mumtoateenger75]

I think that's mission impossible 😭

[Lostmum72]

It’s funny when he tells me he’s not being defensive and then carries on being defensive! Then tells me I’m defensive, and so it goes round and round in circles 🙄

[mumtoateenger75]

Yep I know that feeling x