Troublesome step daughter

[mumtoateenger75]

I need to vent
Does anyone else find being a step mum to a step daughter like your banging your head against a wall
Nothing I do is right and OH does not see my point

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

He isn’t stuck in the middle. That’s deflecting reality. This is not you ‘just don’t both get on’. Your DSD actively resents you. Your DH blames you. They are both being rubbish.

So you have done nothing wrong. Your DH will scapegoat you rather than see anything bad in his daughter.

Just accept the above. It won’t change. Deflect back. Be consistently polite and sweet about your DSD to your DH. But say you know she’d rather not be there. If he insists, ask him to ask his DSD if she’d like you there. Ride it out he will give up eventually.

[mumtoateenger75]

The same page ? ........is there such a thing x 🙏🏻

[Wdigin2this]

In my time, I've been a DD, a DS, a DSD, DSS, a DM, a DSM, a DMil, a DSMil, a DGM and a DSGM....so I think I have some experience here!!
I didn't see the problems my dad had getting me to bond with my DSM, and she was a really nice person, but somehow I still resented her...which I now regret!
I've had issues with my DSC, although they were practically grown when I came into their lives. It was mainly down to DH being a total DisneyDad, which I think is the default position with divorced dads, and boy oh by, do their kids soon latch onto that!
I resented the fact that one of the DSC used her dad as an ATM, and it took him a bloody long time to wise up about it!
Things are better now, but of course we've arrived at the DGC stage, and DH sees it as his duty to be the all loving, all giving, never saying no Super-Grandad....which in fairness he extends to both his and my DGC totally equally. However, he cannot refuse them anything, (I know!!!!) so, whenever for example, they want sweeties before tea, he'll always say...well yes, if Grandma is OK with it, and Grandma has to say no! What does that make me, always the bad guy?!
However, he is learning slowly, not to undermine me, because I love them all, but for gods sake someone has to control things! So my advice, talk, talk, and talk some more, until you're both on the same page!

[Sunflowersforever]

@mumtoateenger75

Just wondered how you are doing? I've had no contact with adult SD for three months, and it's so much better

[Cabininthewoods69]

I'm the same an apology but I do also make sure I stick to those standards to

[mumtoateenger75]

Exactly ..... when you do wrong by someone an apology Is owed no matter what the circumstances if you generally hurt someone then an apology is the least you can do but app not in this case
I'm fine with no apology but no friendship can be had x

[SandyY2K]

He needs to accept the meeting isnt going to happen...if that's his dealbreaker ...then he needs to declare it... so you can all move on.

I'm like you... I need an apology if I've been wronged..or the person can just bugger off.

[Cabininthewoods69]

Yep it's a shitty age and being a step mum can suck. I love my eldest step daughter to pieces and the age gap between us is small. But the other one grates on me. She is rude and awkward. Everything I do right she thanks her dad and if anything goes wrong it's my fault. Right down to her dad deciding to cut the gravy train. She had a strip because I insisted my bingo ticket winnings of £1000 was spit between four of us. So her dad gave her his share even though I paid for the whole bloody holiday

[mumtoateenger75]

I dislike her because of the way she has treated me and as much as my OH says I need to move on from that I can't I feel I was not apologised to for how she treated me
I feel it's one thing after another with her
She is never happy whatever I do and to be honest I feel I have accepted so much that my back is against the wall and I can't take much more
I think my OH thinks if we met her and just acted like nothing happened all will be great but I am hostile towards her and in a meet I feel I would want some answers as to why she treated me and said such bad things about me when I did nothing wrong but I know my OH feels that going in to a meet with that attitude isn't healthy and apparently I need to just let the past be past and move on and I'm guessing this is my issue I can't let go and maybe that's what I need to do but every time I begin too she does something else that throws me back into that feeling about her again x
I honestly don't know what the solution is
If I have nothing to do with her my OH isn't happy
If I meet and give him what he wants I know when she hurts me again which she will ! I will tranny him even more and I don't think our marriage with with stand that
We are never going to be happy one big family because she wont allow that to happen

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

I totally disagree with its ‘just a problem with you and DH’ and that it’s different views.

It’s not right or wrong. It’s about being able to live in harmony in all of your home.

Your DH needs to parent to make sure you are not being passively aggressively shut out by your DSD. Or that the home is being trashed.

Your DSD also needs to take some responsibility for her own actions and treat the home and you with more care.

Any other arguments about being stuck in the middle (your DH) or being so traumatized by divorce she can treat you badly (your DSD) are red herrings, white noise.

Good luck. My DSD moved out after 5 years of feeling an unwanted outsider in my home. It was a huge relief. It broke my relationship however honestly it is better than the price I was expected to pay to be in it.

[swingofthings]

I do think the issue is that he is not listening to you because you are acting very defensive, insisting that he accepts that she is at fault, rather than focusing on trying to make him understand that you just don't like each other and therefore it would be pointless to try to pretend that you do, at least for the time being.

It's not a case of whose fault it is, it is just that: you don't get along. He is clearly being very self-centered about it in that he can't comprehend that it is possible for him to love you both but that you don't feel the same about each other as he does.

[mumtoateenger75]

Yes that is exactly what I will do and just accept that no doubt it will be my fault his d and I don't have a relationship and I can live with that as I know the truth x

[SandyY2K]

That's just it I have to be the one to call and arrange a meeting
He said it's not down to him to do it
And she isn't forth coming at doing it either

PERFECT
Do nothing and no thing will happen.

[MachineBee]

That’s your answer then. You have to ignore his pleas. He’s ignoring your feelings about this. You can do the same on this. But try to keep calm and simply shut down the discussions every time he tries to start them up.

[mumtoateenger75]

Ha ha glad you feel my pain x
The point is I don't even want to meet her
As much as it saddens me to say after all she has done I actually don't like her
My OH has a relationship with his daughter she is 20 now
Why do I need to be buddies with her
She doesn't like me and I respect that so why can't it be left
He just wants this happy set up but that's never going to happen and I like the distance we have that way there is no trouble from her no bad mouthing me and no bad feeling for me
I just know if I invite her back in my life she will hurt me again and I know the next time my response won't be calmly accepted like before

[MachineBee]

Oh FFS. No wonder you’re annoyed.
I’d be v tempted to send a formal written invitation to her address, written in the third party. i.e. Miss xxx is invited to join Mr &Mrs xxxx for coffee and light refreshments etc.

But I’m sarcastic like that.

Perhaps a hand written note along the lines of ‘your Dad is keen for things to be more cordial between us. Can you meet us for a coffee at xxxetc?

Or send her a FB invite.

Ball in her court.

[mydietstartsmonday]

Just play the game, ask her for a coffee, if she comes she comes, if she doesn't she doesn't. Stop making a big deal of things (I mean this in the nicest way, don't get wound up by her behavior). The Christmas thing, buy a small present from you and let your OH do the rest; don't be upset she doesn't get you anything.
Don't let her cause a rift between you.
She doesn't have to like you, you just need to stop caring. He is reacting to how you have reacted. If you are neutral then he can't accuse you of not getting on.
BTW I am a DSM and I do get on well with both but I was in their lives early and their was never any resentment from either side - but I guess I was lucky.

[mumtoateenger75]

That's just it I have to be the one to call and arrange a meeting
He said it's not down to him to do it
And she isn't forth coming at doing it either

[MachineBee]

I hope you find a way through. In the meantime, just use phrases like ‘Mmmm, I see what you mean’, ‘l understand your position’, ‘I get this is important to you’ etc. None of which is you agreeing to anything but stops him getting defensive.

If he arranges a meet up, get it to be on neutral ground away from your home and agree to go, but let him and her do the talking and come up with suggestions for what happens next. If they demand you agree, just request time to give it some thought. Then say no more. Be the quiet reasonable one.

[mumtoateenger75]

That's exactly it
He isn't confident with his daughters relationship and through experience when he slightly puts his foot down or remotely speaks his mind she withdraws and shuts him out and he fears that
So he pushes me but what he fails to realise is everyone has a point where enough is enough and you can't take much more
I personally feel I have done more than my fair share of making it work and she just dictates this and that
I know that eventually it will split us if it continues but he doesn't think so
He just wants his daughter and his wife to get along but through 5 years experience that cannot be the case
Unless I accept her treating me like crap x

[MachineBee]

I’d stop arguing and take a lead out of her book. Just go quiet. Be passive. He’ll have nothing to push against.

He is clearly more sure of you than her and so you are the one getting the grief. In his head he darent push her too much because he believes she will just cut him out of her life. He doesn’t believe you will. So he takes his frustration out on you and in doing so he is being extremely disrespectful of you and your feelings.

[swingofthings]

You need to turn it around. Not response in a 'school playground way',ie. well if she won't do it, why should I etc... but in a rational way but saying that you've come to appreciate that you and her are very different, that she clearly has her reasons for not liking you as much as you have your reasons for not liking her and that you can't try to build a relationship at a stage when you don't see any benefits for either of you.

Say that you don't believe she wants this with you any more than you want it with her, and therefore all you could achieve is you and her pretending to get along just to please him, except that it would be false, and therefore achieve nothing.

Say that you are not saying you will never have anything to do with her, that no-one can predict the future but say that now is not the time and the more he pushes for it, the worse it's going to get.

[mumtoateenger75]

Well everyone another tie was had this weekend as he approached me again about 'don't you think you should text her and arrange to meet 'conversation
It blew up again
I told him I didn't want to have a relationship with someone who clearly doesn't make the effort herself he said I was being ridiculous and that I am being selfish
We argued voices were raised beyond belief I threatened to leave he just got defensive and said I was being stubborn and we didn't talk for ages now all has calmed he has tried to make me laugh etc in a way of getting us talking again and he still feels the same
I have told him if we don't just accept that his D and I don't get along and move forward it will break us
I have been honest and said I don't want her in my life anymore and I'm done
He still persists
I asked why he gives me grief over this scenario and not her when she is the one who caused it and he says he doesn't know and that he has said to her about sorting it with me but she just goes quiet whereas I argue
😡😡😡😡😡
I feel like going to the top of a hill and screaming as loud as I can
I can honestly see this breaking us and the way I feel now it seems the only solution as I am not crawling to her and making all the effort for someone that continues to treat me badly

[mumtoateenger75]

Yep I know that feeling x

[Lostmum72]

It’s funny when he tells me he’s not being defensive and then carries on being defensive! Then tells me I’m defensive, and so it goes round and round in circles 🙄