Am I Being Wicked?

[Endlessdilemmas2]

Hi all, thanks so much for reading this... I can't decide if I'm being mean and need some collective wisdom...

My partner and I have one son each, mine 14 and his 12. The step-parenting relationship has always been good either way and the boys are great friends.

At Christmas my sons Dad and I pool our money and buy our son his gifts together - labelled from all of us, including both our new partners, but my partner and his ex, buy separate gifts for their son, which has been their long-term arrangement and obviously has nothing to do with me.

I would find this totally acceptable accept for the fact that it is so expensive. My partner insists on matching what my ex-partner and I buy together for our son, in terms of monetary value, for his son, despite the fact that his child then gets the same amount of presents again from his Mum so ends up with double the gifts my boy gets.

This strikes me as terribly unfair and puts huge financial strain on Christmas, so I guess my question is am I being unreasonable in asking him to only buy gifts to the same value as my ex-partner each put individually towards gifts for our child?

He will not hear of it, despite the fact that I earn more than he does and essentially fund Christmas, and though I try not to get wound up about it, it riles me something awful!

Thanks in advance.x

[Biglettuce]

You sound reasonable. You either both agree to joint give each boy the same cost e.g. 50 each, which can be pooled or not with exes.

That’s totally fair. Be upfront with the boys.

If he doesn’t want to do this, then you each spend what you like but it doesn’t come out of your money.

I personally hate the ‘child is my life’ set ups - so much pressure on the child and so excluding. How does he get on with your son?

[HeebieJeebies456]

Sounds like he's only with you for your money.....

[StabbyBitchTheEvilWitch]

I completely agree with thevoice.

there is no way I would be buying more presents for one dc than the other plus not even having my name on them, just because of your dps stupid guilt/wanting to be better than his dad complex.

sooner or later your son will realise you haven’t stuck up for him against his step dad & it will be shit. You are putting your dp before your son.

[TheVoiceOfReason15]

OP - sorry to be blunt but your partner sounds like a self-absorbed arsehole!
Is this a joke? He wants you to be the primary funder for his son's Xmas and holidays but isn't prepared to offer the same consideration to your son? He wants you to validate his son as being just as important and 'not left out' so to speak, whilst repeatedly asserting your son as a second rate citizen in his life?
He tells you that he and his son are the primary family unit and will always come first whilst taking hand outs from you? He expects you to pay the mum in instalments for his kid to go on a jollie?! This guy has got more front than Blackpool Pleasure Beach! And you've allowed it. Sorry I don't mean to have go at you but you are being taken the piss out of and as long as you allow it, it will continue.
If that is his attitude I would stop the joint account. If you aren't a family unit - whichy according to him you aren't - then why do you need to share finances? Oh I know - because it benefits him as the lower earner! Cheeky freeloading !
Buy your son what you want to buy him with you money - don't tell him what you are spending on your son. Your money, your business. (And it shouldn't be about how much they've had spent on them - kids these days annoy me with this - they're more bothered about comparing who has the bigger pile than appreciating what they've got!).
Buy you SS what you want to get him with your money - and let your partner buy his son gifts that HE CAN AFFORD with HIS own money!

[pamelastone]

Both the kids deserve to get equal value of gifts. I think you should discuss about it to your current partner.

[Emeralda]

Do you get any sense of how your son feels about any if this? I actually think it's nice that your son gets a joint present from you and his dad. It shows that you are still both his parents even though you're not together. If that works, I wouldn't change it.

What I would change is funding your DP's daft ideas. If he wants to pay £1, 000 for his DS' s holiday, he does that himself.

If DP won't agree to counselling with you, you might still find it helpful on your own to untangle things.

[YellowMakesMeSmile]

I think it's weird you do joint presents still with an ex although obviously you like it as you get to spend less .

Presumably money is joint or this wouldn't be an issue if he was paying for it alone. Do you really begrudge him spending a bit more at Christmas when for the rest of the year he shares the costs of your child within the household budget.

Maybe separate finances are the way to go then he can support his child how he sees fit and you can do the same for yours.

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

and I say that as being on the side of the equation to be able to afford far, far more for my DS than DSD if I felt enough of a shit to treat them so differently

Yes, treat children in your household the same. That’s reasonable. But you can’t expect to even up the score with what might be going on in another household.

[Endlessdilemmas2]

Thank you everybody who shared their opinion last night. There are so many truths in everything you said and I am planning a big conversation and request for counselling this weekend.x

[HeckyPeck]

"and he says that his son is all that matters to him. That they (the two of them) are the family unit and that though he lives with me and my son he will never be his step-father because he does not want anyone else to play that role in his sons life."

This isn't a healthy basis for a relationship. He doesn't even see you as a proper family. Plus he wants you to miss out on a family holiday, so his son can go away with his mum.

He's never going to see you all as equal. It's not fair on you or your son and you both deserve better

[Iizzyb]

Having been in a relationship with a df of 2 dc’s for a while & watching the weird things he did & his ds’ responses I would worry about the message it is giving dss as well as how cheeky dp is being treating you and your ds this way. If dss doesn’t feel you and df are a proper family unit because of the separate presents that’s not fair on him (unsettling I think when it appears his dm does that with her new partner).

Also what is all of this doing for your ds? It just can’t be nice for him living in this environment loving a dsf who clearly doesn’t feel the same about him.

Does your dp need to grow up a bit? I think you need to take present buying out of the joint pot tbh if gifts are not given jointly.

[DarthMaiden]

ohreally - wow, just wow.....

Life’s not fair. So that’s a justification for making a child feel second rate?

Get used to inequality early??

Gobsmacked....and I say that as being on the side of the equation to be able to afford far, far more for my DS than DSD if I felt enough of a shit to treat them so differently.

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

I don’t get the obsession that seems to exist around children with different sets of parents and therefore different financial circumstances needing to receive the same amount of gifts?

Life’s not fair. As a household, spend roughly the same on the children who are part of that household - including part time - but you cannot demand mor/less because one child receives more/lessfrom their other parent. Sometimes, I think the expectation is that one parent should just forgo Xmas in the best interests of a child they have no relationship with, and who isn’t their responsibility!

[Magda72]

Well you know it sounds to me like his parenting is more about him & his childhood than what will make his ds happy. And without realising it he's in danger of enacting a very toxic relationship with his ds albeit in a very different way to that of his with his own dad.
As you (& others) have said this cocooning his relationship with ds in a protective bubble will only suffocate his ds & is really too much pressure for the poor kid.
Therapy sounds like it's needed - would he be open to that?

[DarthMaiden]

His motives might be good OP but he’s being incredibly selfish in doing so - even if he doesn’t realise it.

I’m saying this next bit kindly - even though it’s going to sound harsh, but you are enabling him and it’s not healthy for any of you.

I really think you need to step way back from issues like Christmas Presents/holidays. They are just symptoms of much bigger issues in your relationship.

I’d really recommend you get some counselling - or at the very least do some research to “recalibrate” your expectations of a relationship and that your DP should do the same.

Looking from the outside I can say this isn’t normal, healthy or sustainable. It’s a giant powder keg and your DP is piling on the gun powder every day. At some point you will snap and light the fuse.

I don’t mean in terms of any violence, rather an emotional burn out.

[Endlessdilemmas2]

Hi Magda72 yes his own dad was something of a violent drunk and my partner is absolutely determined to be a better father but may be over compensating!?

[Magda72]

Hi OP - this just sounds awful. Like others, I really feel for you. And yes, it sounds like your dp has massive issues around his son, his ex & redefining what his new family unit is.
I can't believe the ex asked for 1K to fund a holiday & used your dss as the bait. Well actually I can as my dps ex does similar but dp always says no. Did you dp have a bad relationship with his own dad or with a stepdad?

[Endlessdilemmas2]

That is so kind DarthMaiden... and yes I am hunk it is a mix of all those things.

[DarthMaiden]

I’ve just posted on another thread about FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) being a trait I see a lot in NRP’s.

I think your DP is so lost in it he can’t see his hand in front of his face.

I’d do some research on FOG OP and see how it resonates with your experience of your DP.

[DarthMaiden]

Sorry but no, no, no....

You are under no obligation to fund a holiday for his ex - because that’s what it is.

If she can’t afford to go away without you paying £1k for her son then she needs to cut her cloth accordingly.

This is especially true if paying that money means you can’t afford a family holiday or your holiday plans are diminished because of that.

What the hell do you and your son get out of this relationship?

[TwoDots]

I’m sorry, this all sounds completely weird. You’re not at all behaving like a proper family unit, still so entwined with each other’s ex’s. I think you hitch need to concentrate more on your own unit

[Endlessdilemmas2]

Thanks so very much for your import AnnelovesGilbert it really does help to feel like I'm not being utterly wicked.
Because this is so wrapped up in money it makes me feel so very petty... we have been having the most awful argument because he has agreed to pay for his son to go on a big family holiday with his sons mum and family. She is paying for it all but for my stepson and has asked my partner to pay for him as she says she cannot afford to go unless we do.
I have said that I will willingly and always pay for his son to come away with us but I am not finding someone else's holiday, but his argument is that he wants his son to have as many experiences as possible and if that means ya paying her into nstallments for the 1000.00 she wants them so be it. Which means we as a family probably won't afford a holiday together...

[AnneLovesGilbert]

If you’re otherwise alright with the financial set up the only way to mitigate the Xmas thing, and birthdays for that matter, is to set a budget and for him to pay anything over it from his own money.

I’m genuinely outraged on your behalf that he’s paying for massive gifts with your money and not saying they’re from both of you. It’s bullshit. If he doesn’t agree, start putting half each into the joint account and see how he likes that. You can save the difference for your son.

[Endlessdilemmas2]

It both sucks and it is sad...

[Endlessdilemmas2]

AnnelovesGilbert I don't think it is so much about resentment for my son as it is about guilt about his own. He just hasn't got any perspective on his role both as a dad who lives away from his own child (though his son adores him and he has no need to keep ramming it home) and as a step-dad.