Dh lets dss rule the house

[FlyingJellyfishintheAttic]

Please can I have some advice on how to talk to,DH about this?

He and ex sometimes change access if he asks to go to a particular parent's.Fine except if he doesn't like the plans me and hubby have already made he will cancel them. I have said dss should come along and enjoy whatever we are already doing or we can pick him up after.

When we moved in we agreed bedtime 9pm as this gives us time together as adults to watch a movie that may be unsuitable for eg. Dh will not tell his son to go to bed but he also tells me I can't watch anything unsuitable.Dss is 10, dd is 1. Dd sleeps in our room so living room is only place to do anything as whole of downstairs is open plan.

Money is tight. I told dh we need to be careful. We also trying to convert attic dh doesn't help as much at home as he drops everything whenever dss wants to do something eg go out. So I have to pick up the slack. Or get left with baby.

He won't parent eg dss can leave things lying around some of which baby could swallow and dh won't ask him to clear up.

My issue is dh. My dss is a child and is just being a normal child but sick of my dh lax parenting

[FlyingJellyfishintheAttic]

DDs sreaming was because she wants the TV. She does this a lot.

[FlyingJellyfishintheAttic]

Identity that's what I try to do but sometimes it's somewhere that's a drive away and we only have one car (can't afford a second and I can walk to work/ DD nursery etc.

I told him that a compromise could be bed at 9pm but lights out at 10pm (he knows I use MN and I mentioned many say 9pm might be too early).

I would definitely do the same with DD. She is 1 at the moment so can't really do a "time for bed DD" however even with DD DH is showing the same parenting.

Eg DSS was watching a TV program at 9am. DD likes Cbeebies and DSS likes older kids stuff. So I said that as DSSs show finishes at 10am and that's when DDs favourite one starts they can swap then and take turns.

9:20am and DH tries to give DD breakfast and she is screaming and crying as she likes having cbeebies on all day so DH tells DSS to switch over to cbeebies. I said that isn't fair, DSS was promised this was his turn and DD will have to wait. She is too little to understand telling off but DSS isn't and whilst DH thinks its easier to use TV to stop DD screaming as DSS is completely settled it isn't fair for DSS to miss out for this.

I said they have to share, I want them to be treated equally. But DH picking the easiest option isn't good for either of them in the long run as whoever is misbehaving the most will get their way at the expense of the other

[Identity1]

OP i think if you have already made plans then stick to them you and DD do original plans DH should quickly realise that you won't let DSS be the boss.
I don't think there's a bedtime for one size fits all ages. Some children need more sleep than others. My SC can pretty much pick and choose what time they go to bed at mum's, and it is obvious when they are here over a weekend that all week it's been late nights and I'm talking 11pm-12pm - with school the next day they're a nightmare, behaviour is terrible, they argue are cheeky etc etc. It irates my DH that mum let's them do this ..... given them a few early nights completely different children.
However saying that you and DH want some time, YANBU to ask DSS to take himself off to bed at 9pm and as many others have suggested lights out say at 10pm if that's suitable for him. As long As you would do same with DD.
I think you need to.discuss with DH what you both feel is reasonable going forward. Can you both compromise on things? And maybe educate DSS that he cannot leave small toys etc lying around as they are a hazard for his sister.

[SilverBirchTree]

OP- why did you have a child with someone whose parenting you disapprove of?

One of the benefits of dating someone with children is that you can see what kind of parent they are before having a child with them.

You can't really complain that you're stuck with the planning etc for DD when you surely knew that's what awaited you?

[FlyingJellyfishintheAttic]

With anything it's me asking and dh wil say "oh dss agrees with that so ok". Surely with dd and dss it should be the other way around ie me and him make decisions.

My dss is a good boy and he is just a normal little boy my issue is dh is so chilled about everything and it takes it's toll. Even with dd I have to organise everything ie nursery, food, clothes. Dh is just fun dad.

[FlyingJellyfishintheAttic]

Thanks for suggestions. I will speak to dh about the whole 9pm in his room and he can stay up for an hour. I think he tends to use his tsblet in bed when we send him anyway. I don't want to do something that's hugely different from others his age.

We have a 2 bed house, dss has one room and the other is ours with dd. Dh is supposed to convert attic (doesn't want to pay builder) but he only does any work if I ask him to.

of money was £400 for dss birthday but with baby gates wanted to buy leas oem and cheapest whereas I wanted ones that are easy to use with one hand and slam shut in case anyone forgets to close them at £10 more.

Alone time won't be so bad when sorts attic and dd in her own room.

[thatdearoctopus]

I know kids come first.

I keep seeing this phrase on here. Sorry, but I disagree, and would at least amend it to "not necessarily." I don't have step-kids, but with my own kids they've never been allowed to think they're in charge. We operate a kind of benevolent dictatorship: we're in charge, but we do of course, bear them and their preferences in mind in any decisions we make, from holiday choices, to meal planning, to days out, to bedroom allocation/decoration and so forth. They've survived to adulthood as sane and pleasant human beings. Don't see why it can't be the same for step-children in blended families.

[BertrandRussell]

I hate banishing kids to their bedrooms. What do you say? "Off you go, Jimmy, mum and dad want the living room now so go to your room and shut the door"(

It's their house too!

[ButtHoleinOne]

I don't think it's unfair for you to want some child free time and ask for him to spend an hour reading or whatever in his room

[ButtHoleinOne]

thats quite early in the summer. What about at 9 he can play in his room for an hour?

As for the other stuff he has to sort his shit out. He can't be fun dad half the week and not Ina year or two when he hits teenbyears

[Underthemoonlight]

At ten I would have to say 9 is abit early especially on the weekend.

[Branleuse]

With a ten year old you get less adult time than when they're babies. It's part of having kids. I think 9 is reasonable though for bedtime. Can't you start with getting bedtime routine started by half 8? Does it need to be his dad that tells him?

[Branleuse]

With a ten year old you get less adult time than when they're babies. It's part of having kids. I think 9 is reasonable though for bedtime. Can't you start with getting bedtime routine started by half 8? Does it need to be his dad that tells him?

[ComputerUserNotTrained]

Apologies, I missed that he's there around half the time rather than EOW or similar.

It's still quite early though, and given a year or so ridiculously so.

[ComputerUserNotTrained]

9pm is quite early. I think by ten, ds's bedtime was creeping towards 10pm and at weekends later still. It won't be long before you're wanting to go to bed before he does, ime.

8.30pm is way too early for most ten year olds, most nights. And especially so if they're at their NRP's.

[littlemisssweetness]

In regards to leaving stuff lying around is there way a baby gate off an area so he can play with lego/cars/small things without having to worry about dd?

[swingofthings]

8:30 at 10 yo is quite early, especially when really, it's not about what is best for him, ie. getting enough sleep but about your convenience and having time alone with your OH. How much time does your DS gets alone with his dad?

During holidays, it's punishing him.

[FlyingJellyfishintheAttic]

We both do shift work so it's around 3 days a week, sometimes 4. Dh does half of holidays too.

Dss is fine when I ask.Dh ex has been difficult in the past and doesn't like me involved so it's hard to take the lead when his ex gives me abuse and dh stands by.

I've told so many times his son just needs his dad and being lax out of guilt it passing the buck onto dss.

9pm was the compromise from 8:30.

[Dina1234]

He probably just feels guilty for leaving him and is trying to compensate. At least his son is getting older and will soon be able to behave in a way that should minimise inconvenience to you. Even now you could try explaining to him (if you already haven't) what things are dangerous to your dd and ask him to be mindful to keep them out of reach. He won't always remember but he will eventually get into the habit. If your dh tells you off for interfering just tell him that you're doing his job for him.

[eyebrowsonfleek]

It depends how often he's with you and if it's a school day the next day.

[BertrandRussell]

How often is he with you?

[swingofthings]

Can't you agree that he has to go to his bedroom, but doesn't have to turn the light off until 10pm?

In terms of time together, it very much depends how often he is there. If it is only every other week-end, it's not unreasonable that his dad should indeed put stuff to the side to spend quality time with his son. If he is there 1/2 the week, then that's a bit different.

When you say money is tight, what is it he wants to spend money on you don't agree?

He should tell his boy to pick things up and just be conscious of the needs around his sister.

[stormytherabbit]

Why do women continue to have children with men who clearly show they are incapable of decent parenting?

[user1493413286]

What happens if you say at 9pm 'ok bed time now'. I introduced a bedtime for my DSD (with DHs reluctant agreement as he thought she wouldn't go to sleep) and it's worked well as I'll say ok bedtime come and get ready, DH does a story and it's done.
What are his reasons for not doing it?
I'd start by asking him why does he do these things/not do these things? Sometimes it comes from guilt because a dad wishes they lived with the child full time and wants to make the time they do have with the child as good as possible. Your DH needs reminding that children need boundaries and current situation isn't doing DSS any good. You might need to take the lead a bit first to remind DH.
With the bedtime thing you need time to switch off when kids are in bed as otherwise weekends can end up feeling exhausting

[Mrscropley]

Ask him what sort of relationship he hope so have when his ds is older.
My 2x ds had no boundaries at their df and now live full time with me and nc with him as he just couldn't parent them and they wanted stability and rules!!