Have I Overreacted?

[BettyBlue007]

Sorry this is so long, but I really need some advice:

DSD (16) has lived with her dad and me for the past 4 years after a massive fall out with her mum, which resulted in her being "kicked out".

She's been a fairly good girl to live with, mostly pleasant though she can be a bit reclusive, will retreat to her room and she barely speaks to my DD (5) who is her half sister.

She's had a boyfriend for a year, they are the same age and went to school together. I set out some ground rules for him coming round which evolved into him being able to sleep over one night at the weekend so long as all her jobs were done and she was respectful of our house and rules and was considerate to us all, which then morphed into him staying more and more often. Eating food I pay for and using a lot of electricity as they are always home playing xbox or whatever.

Anyway, a few months ago, I heard them having sex . I knew they were sexually active and had made sure she knew the risks and was on the pill. I told her it was unacceptable to be doing it at 8pm just as I had put DD to bed and knowing we were all in the house; it's rude, disrespectful and I told her it wasn't to happen again.

Cut to last night, I'd just bathed DD and put her in bed, I go back into the bathroom to tidy up all the towels when I hear the squeaking floor from her loft bedroom.... I shout up as a warning, asking her if she wants tea or not, she replies no as they are going out, then the squeaking continues so I roar at them to pack it in! Storm downstairs and text her to suggest that if she's going out she'd better go now.

I get no reply, they saunter downstairs and swan out the front door as if nothing had happened.

I text her again to say that her boyfriend is no longer welcome in this house etc. etc. which ends with her offering to move out (she kept putting it on the ends of her texts but I didn't rise to the bait, she's threatened it a few times). We got into a massive argument about her quitting college, being jobless and basically doing NOTHING around the house without having to be asked, numerous times and even then she does a crap job (i.e. doing the dishes in cold water so they need doing again...)

The last text she sent she offered to pack her stuff and move back to her mum's or her boyfriends I just replied saying Fine.

Have I overreacted? I did warn her that I didn't want them having sex while we were home. It surely isn't that hard a rule to follow? I worry about DD walking in on them and I cringe every time I go to the bathroom if he's staying over in case I hear them humping...

Should I stick to my guns or should I back down?

I have posted about her before, there has been a lot that's gone on over the years but I have bent over backwards for the girl, always treated her like my own and gone above and beyond for her time and again. But she consistently throws it back in may face

I feel I've done all I can do and it's time she goes back to her mum.

[differentnameforthis]

So I can understand wanting her to be quiet and discreet while you are putting kids to bed near her room, etc ... but other than that, I don't get it.

You allow her to engage in a safe sexual relationship with her bf (by encouraging her to be on the pill). You are aware that they are sexually active, and you think it is disrespectful to you for her and her bf to have sex while you are home?

Do YOU refrain from any and all sexual activity while she is home too?

[malificent7]

Why cant you just tell her to keep the noise down during sex? Sounds like you are a bit repressed on that front tbh.
Also throwing her out during pregnancy would be cruel. Id just give them condoms and tell them to take care and keep quiet. ( if anything they would be embarassed... result! ).

[hhorvath]

Threatening to throw her out if she falls pregnant, arguing with her over text rather than face to face like an adult.

She mustn't feel very loved.

If you carry on like this, you'll end up pushing her towards this boy and she'll be more likely to keep an accidental pregnancy.

It's not tough love if you leave out all the love.

You sound like you hate her.

[brownmouse]

My dsd sounds very similar. She has been living with her mum for a month since a similar argument.

I have also told dsd and my own dc that if they get pregnant they can't live with us. This is because we both work full time and have a small house whereas both their other parents work part time and have large houses with spare rooms/annexes/an adjacent flat. Purely practical I'm afraid. They have CHOICES about where they live. If they can't live within the (reasonable) boundaries set by one home, they can live elsewhere. Being wobbly with boundaries does no one any favours.

So from me YADNBU

[life07]

She's only 16 full of hormones and in love for the first time and you allowed her boyfriend to stay of course they were going to have sex any chance they could. You have helped create this situation too..And if they do end pregnant and you try and throw his 16-year-old child out, hopefully, he would throw you first for being so cruel to his child.doubt though it seems he's checked out of parenting.

[Livelovebehappy]

You're never going to care as much for her as you do your own DD, which is why your DH should be sorting this out, as he would obviously come at this from the point of view of a parent and not as someone who is really only putting up with the situation because dsd came with dh as part of the package.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

"What's (sister) doing?"
"She's bouncing on her bed".
But seriously.
You and DH slipped up by letting DSD and bf have more than the stipulated one night a week stayover. Give them an inch, etc (ykwim).
How would you and her dad react if she announces she'll move in with her boyfriend and his parent(s)?

[Moussemoose]

Don't get left holding a baby

Stop arguing and go to a clinic.

[kittybiscuits]

You really sound like you have been left holding the baby, or in this case, the teenager. I'd say you have been fairly lenient/easygoing but maybe you are worried things are spiralling out of control. I think you need to get clearer about what your boundaries are and how to redraw them in a planned way, but honestly your OH should be actively involved in this. I think your teen knows you are the safe person here and threats to kick her out if she gets pregnant are not ideal. Her parents seem really absent??

[Moussemoose]

The pill is wrong type of contraception is she is forgetting to take it. Implants might be much more suitable. As we all know there are many types of contraception and you need to find what is right for you.
It is not a once only, one off discussion.
I would think this 16 year old does not need a baby in her life. The priority is to make sure she does not get pregnant.

[swingofthings]

Don't wait till a pregnancy occurs, discuss it now
I think Betty has done exactly that. You can't make sure that teenagers don't get pregnant though. It's not just those who had no discussion with their parents who get pregnant. My colleague 16yo got pregnant. She used to tell us how she was pleased that she had a great relationship with her DD and they had both gone to the doctor about her starting the pill. They discussed her future and her daughter assured her she had no interest in becoming a mum...until her boyfriend convinced her and suddenly she thought why not....and fail to mention her change of mind with her mum.

If it's only acceptable when your dd isn't at home then you should have been explicit with that fact
She was. After it happened the first time, she discussed it with her and laid some rules...which were then ignored. So what next?

I don't think you are reasonable. I knew that when you mentioned them using a lot of electricity
Really. Two teenagers, at home all day doing nothing and wasting energy (in every sense of the term) but OP is unreasonable to want her SD to do something with her life. It sounds like OP is the only one who actually cares.

Betty, my gut feeling is that one day, your SD will come back and tell you grateful she is now that you actually cared enough to give her a kick in the bottom. Many teenagers act like your SD, but those who are being told that their behaviour is unacceptable, despite their grunts back, are the ones to grow up and realise that their behaviour was challenged for a good reason. I bet your SD will grow to be much closer to you than either of her parents. Stick to it, being a parent of a teenagers is thankless, let alone a step-parent who takes on the role, but they do grow out of it.

[TheCakes]

Yes to the contraception.
Then I'd be saying your boyfriend can stay when you've done your chores to an acceptable standard and/or got a job.

[Moussemoose]

Prioritise.
If she is not taking the pill regularly she is on the wrong type of contraception. Encourage her to go to a family planing clinic or a sexual health clinic and discuss contraception. Don't wait till a pregnancy occurs, discuss it now.

All the other drama can wait till you have helped her sort this out.

[kittybiscuits]

I don't think you are reasonable. I knew that when you mentioned them using a lot of electricity. You need to step back and long way an think about what you are doing here and what your motivation is.

[relaxo]

I have a 16 year old son.

I think that the main thing that you did wrong as allow the bf to stay over initially. That was obviously code for sanctioning sex at least on that night. Did you discuss with sd the acceptable times for having sex? If it's only acceptable when your dd isn't at home then you should have been explicit with that fact. Many people would be turned on by the possibility of being caught/overheard but others would be mortified.

It's good to see that you realise that your h's lack of parenting is a massive problem and he should be doing far more.

I do find your insistence that if she gets pg, you'll throw her out concerning. If she's not taking the pill daily then talk to her about getting low maintenance contraception like implant or injection.

[Bibidy]

OP I understand your frustrations but I think she's just being the way many 16 year olds would be if they were allowed their boyfriends to stay over.

It's too late now to stop her - she and her boyfriend are sexually active, they'll find a way. The best think you could do, as others have said, is ensure she's on some kind of contraceptive.

If you continue to ban him from the house, she's only going to go to his house instead and that doesn't solve your worries about pregnancy. I'd probably lift the ban but no longer allow him to stay overnight.

Chances are at 16 they'll split up soon enough anyway ;) problem solved!

[BettyBlue007]

I Don't know why I get so angry with her, perhaps because I feel like she is wasting her life and is so flippant about the whole getting pregnant thing.

Thanks swing for helping people to try and see my p.o.v I really appreciate your supportive comments.

I've told DH he needs to be more involved, I can't do all the parenting on my own, it's just too much. He seriously needs to step up and be a better dad.

Yes, if she wilfully got pregnant at 16 she would have to leave. I don't see why that's so terrible. She doesn't work and doesn't really give a shit about anything so who do you think would end up being responsible for the baby. Me. And I'm not prepared to let her ruin both our lives. If that makes me a selfish monster then so be it, but I have DD(5) to think about. Surely her actual mum would have to step up to the plate and take some responsibility for the situation.

Being a step mum is the hardest job I've ever had to do. Parenting someone else's child (especially in our situation) is not easy and is mostly a thankless task. So excuse me for not being willing to let her rule the roost and do as she pleases 24/7. I'm sorry that I want more from her, for her to be a good person with good morals and values. I'm sorry that my expectations of her are too high...

I'm still not convinced she should continue living with us, she doesn't respect us nor does she seem to want to do anything to contribute to making a happy household. I really do not know what the answer is at the moment. Hopefully things will become clearer this weekend.

[MrsDarkDestroyer]

She sounds like a normal 16 year old. Whilst I accept you may not want them going in her bedroom I think you should allow her to have her boyfriend round. You signed up to sharing communal areas with a moody teenager when you married her dad. And you'll be doing the same thing in 10 years time with your own daughter.

Growing up your DD will build her own opinion of you based on the way you treat her sister. 'DM didn't let Dsis have her BF round and when she fell pregnant she threw her out. Therefore DM is unapproachable.'

[swingofthings]

All the 'dreadful' things you have described are NORMAL
No they are not. They might be for SOME parents, but certainly not normal in my environment. My DH got kicked out of his house because he was being a lazy bum and his mum had enough of it. He says it's the best thing that happened to him as it got him to open his eyes. He adores her and couldn't have become a better son as an adult.

I also would never accept either my kids behaving like OP's daughter and that's me adoring my kids and wanting the best for them. Would I threaten my DD to be kicked out of the house if she fell pregnant? If she behaved in a careless way, most likely. If it was a genuine accident, when she was working/studying and acting responsible, probably not.

Your dd will do, or will want to do, ALL the same things when she's 16. She'll be rude, lazy, uncooperative...she might be sexually active etc.
Well my DD is 17 and is none of the above, neither are any of her close friends.

[pictish]

YY to the implant or the contraceptive injection.

[GwenQuinn]

It's very hard though to try and become strict now she's 16. Especially now you've let the boyfriend stay over. If she's not taking the pill properly suggest the implant.

[GwenQuinn]

If she gets pregnant she's gone? Lovely. I've been kicked out by both parents it's not a nice feeling. Only difference was my SM didn't work and expected me to do everything. I'm sorry but she's 16 everything she's doing is completely normal, annoying yes but certainly nothing worthy of throwing her out.

If she got pregnant it would be her life turned upside down not yours, you sound very self absorbed.

[lampshady]

I think I agree with you and wish my parents had been stricter with me when I was younger. I absolutely ruined my life until I was about 24, and even now it's an uphill struggle.

I don't agree with the use of the word "moron" as it's disabilist, so please don't use it again.

There has to be a basic expectation of the behaviour of all the members of a household and if they're not making life pleasant for the others there needs to be sanctions. I was patented by the school of neglect and did exactly what I wanted, which at that age is not a good thing at all.

[pictish]

Will your dh stand by and watch you kick his daughter out of her home for being a normal 16 yr old? I bloody hope not.

[pictish]

Seems to me it's you with the problem here. Your dd will do, or will want to do, ALL the same things when she's 16. She'll be rude, lazy, uncooperative...she might be sexually active etc. Doubtless, you'll accept it as a normal part of growing up.
Why all the resentment towards your dsd?