Blending and teens

[SaltySeaDog72]

Hi all,
Looking for some advice.. I've been with my bf for a year and our relationship has surprised us both - it's lovely and we want to integrate a bit. He often comes over, sometimes when my girls are around. He has met my dc and they are comfortable with him. Youngest and him get on well, oldest is fine with him. Their dad (my ex) lives with new gf and all is fine there with steady contact.
He's the NRP to his two dc. Ive met them a few times. I've met this rest of his family and bf has met all my family. He has lovely respectful polite kids. To date we have been very mindful of the needs of the children. But are thinking on the lines of going away together, perhaps not this year, maybe next.
The kids are 12, 13, 14 and 15.
Not the age when they just 'get on and play' when they meet. They would not 'naturally' meet in the normal scheme of things due to location and schedule.
We are both cautious about the way forwards - how do you introduce kids this age to each other? Without it being 'awks' haha
I would like to take advantage of any experience or advice!!! How to do it or how not to!

[Magda72]

Hi OP,
In same boat myself. With bf 2 years & speaking about marriage. He works all over the county & spends part of the week with me & my kids (all great). He then goes 'home' to the town where his kids live at the weekends to see them. He's planning on selling his house there as he's only there 4/6 nights a month but we are stymied as to how to blend all kids due to distance/schedule & personalities. Also things between me, my kids, my ex & his gf very calm & steady but my bfs ex is a nightmare.
I don't see his kids as much as he sees mine due to logistics & ex but I get in with them when I do. They have met my kids once (all kids between 11 & 20) & while it was fine it was evident that personality wise my three & his three are poles apart. My eldest obviously isn't an issue as he's away at uni but we are very concerned as to how to handle things once he moves here permanently. Obviously his kids will have to come up weekends but my 2 & his 3 have NO shared interests or common ground!
Also, I speak very openly about everything to my kids but have strict rules on manners, language, Xbox/tv/social media stuff - whereas his kids are more closed yet their mum has no rules about tv/bed time, language etc. & they are used to doing what they want when with her.
Dp & I want his kids to feel included but we do wonder if it would be better for him to spend overnights with them in his mums house rather than stress everyone out!
We want to do what's best for all kids.
I'm afraid I've little advice for you but would recommend looking at the kids personalities & seeing if you could manage a holiday that would appeal to all? I'd also be very interested in the experiences of others.
As as aside a friend of mine recently went on holidays with her 2 teens & her bf & his 2 teens & bar meals the teens didn't mix at all. She said it was ok but odd & she and her bf had to be apart while on holiday if either was to do anything with the kids.

[modernfemininity]

Good on you being cautious. 🏅

We popped in casually for kids to meet. A brief pop-in with an excuse to collect something, and then I remember my DH'S children came for a meal at mine, and he called me to see if it was cooked- to minimise the 'awks' time pre dinner. They ate a family scram, and then left!

We found that the children melded quickly
... and soon became a force to contend with!

Does your partner have girls too?

[SaltySeaDog72]

That sounds really good, modern

Yes he has a daughter. So there is potential for common ground. But of course one can never know.

Like the sound of finely tuned dinner timing. Haha!

Good ideas!

[modernfemininity]

Given you have more time with your children, it might mean you can extend greater allowance to his. It depends on which unit is the most robust I suppose, if one is at all. Meet them in a manner that suits them, perhaps - just giving that kindness for the first meeting. How about you take your kids over to his place and bring a pile of pizzas with you (bribery for all). Or you force them to do a walk (we did one of these odd, unpopular pincer movements early on, and it was surprisingly successful, despite it looking dire whilst we drove out in two cars. I had chocolate in my rucksac). Or you meet at a supermarket cafe before food shopping. Or you turn up to watch part of a sports event one of them plays. Pancake day isn't far off.. maybe that evening or even breakfast/brunch before going on to something else.

Once you muster a reasonable plan then don't worry much about how it goes down as an idea. Just stick to the meet up and ignore it if anyone's grumpy. It could well be their hormones or instagram or homework or anything, or just the fact they don't want to be corralled into your loony new life choice. The kids won't behave for you two infront of other teens - so be prepared for that, and you two try to be as chilled as you can during any get together and be authentically yourselves. The kids might try some positioning to make it clear that they're a bit weirded out by you dating. So be it. Maybe they will be all brightly enthusiastic for you - who knows! Have your eyes on the prize - start gently and go with the flow. Do have an option to keep the meet n greet short if it's a problem once they have met. Eg Get take out cups in Starbucks incase a teen decides to wander off to the shops!

Be kind, keep it brief, and remember they don't have mature minds yet so their view of it all will be from limited experience. Bribery works with teens.. and they can be bought cheaply sometimes. My girls are quite compliant when we're on our way to any (cheap) place to buy cosmetics!