WTF do SMs/new partners want?

[workingmumsarebad]

You frequently read on here that the second family are put upon for childcare / have to pay too much to the EX for child maintenance/ the EX does not work / if the EX works expecting the other parent to provide childcare appropriately / reducing maintenance if they are looking after the kids during holidays etc etc.

So what do the second family want?
( other than the EX and the children to drop off the face of the planet!)

I am being roundly castigated for working and providing for my DCs. Went back to work at 8 months after first and 8 months after second. Initially did 2 days per week - with DCs in nursery and then 3 days per week once the first went to school.
Used child minder for drop off and PU 3 days week and did the rest my self.
Now both at school I do 3 days in work and 2 days flexi at home - brill employer.
For this I am being slagged off on social media by Exs DP, for failing my children, putting my career first, obviously regretting my poor parenting decisions etc etc.
Forgetting that EX did not pay any maintenance for his DCs for the first 18 months and now pays well below the CSA minima. ( 8 ONs last year with their DF!)

I am damned if I do and damned if I don't! Have to say the constant criticism of me to mutual friends and family is extremely tiring and disheartening when all yu are trying to do is bring up your kids to the best of your ability on your own.

( I do not use social media - this comes from friends who do, the anti has upped, since before Xmas and has been awful. I do not respond as have no mechanism to defend myself - or one that I wish to engage in)

[Faithless]

Exactly what heidiwine said plus this:

I would like my DSCs mum to stop drinking and starving herself to death, get some psychiatric help for her MH issues, get her life together and resume regular contact with her children in a way that is, at a minimum, safe for them. Because unfortunately for my poor DSCs, not all mothers are as together and coping as well as you are and in our case it is the step parent and older step siblings who are providing them with consistency, routine, love, fun, care, homework assistance, food, clothes and all the other donkey work that goes into bringing up children.

As you can see from the posts OP, all families consist of individuals who behave very differently and can not be placed into homogeneous groups.

[Dollyparton3]

I'm about to ruin the stereotype OP

I wanted to meet a man with children having not had my own or wanted them when I was younger

The Ex works very little besides being highly qualified and both children being of secondary school age.

OH pays above the odds on maintenance, and I top up wherever reasonable despite them not being my children by birth

Yet the ex used the children as pawns, refuses to communicate directly and on occasion I've had to let children down after exw has bounced fiscal responsibility to me because I have a job.

Would I like Exw to disappear off the face of the earth? No of course not. I would like her to get off her butt and man up for once and look after and raise the children she chose to give birth to. Nothing more than that.

And I would never mention that publicly or indeed in front of the children. Not my place to. Just as it's also not my place to pay for their holidays, tablet computers, christmas presents, treats etc but I do.

Not all stepmums are evil and not all ex wives have a golden uterus complex, but that's my experience.

[Lambly]

You have my sympathy OP, this sounds like a really tough situation. I'm a non-resident stepparent and my DP's ex gets on my nerves sometimes. I vent by drinking wine and ranting at my sister. Then I pull up my big girl pants and realise that things could be a lot worse. I would never dream of badmouthing my DSD's mum to her or posting things on social media. The number one reason being to maintain my own dignity to be perfectly honest.

I know of a couple of women who used to be friends and then fell out when one of them got together with the others ex husband. The initial couple had 4 kids together and the hell that has ensued fighting over these kids is astonishing. They screen shot each others emails and post them on public FB posts, write lists of what the kids ate when at Dad an SM's house and invite others to criticise. The SM was a childminder and was reported to Ofsted, causing her to resign from childminding as a result. The whole thing is just breathtakingly awful.

It's just so sad that people stoop to this level and don't think about the future implications of their actions. I took your OP with the spirit with which it was intended and you have my sympathy. for you

[paxillin]

One more thing perhaps- an understanding that this isn't my ideal life, either, but there it is. We'd all love to live in an uncomplicated first family with no baggage and as little history as possible. Very few of us get that. I understand I, unlike her, went into it with open eyes. I knew there is a child who needs to be considered. She had that choice when splitting from him, but no say in my being on the scene. I could have turned it down, so it is perhaps easier for me.

But now we have to get on with it.

[NewNNfor2017]

Is your exDH neuro-typical? Because if there is no medical reason for his behaviour, then it sound to me like hes a crap dad. Ignoring her abuse of his DC's, cancelling contact with them, limiting his time to when she dictates.

I appreciate it is easier for you to blame his DW than accept you chose a dud to be the father of your DC's, but lets be honest - if he was a good dad, he wouldn't put up with it, would he?

She may be the stereotypical Wicked StepMum, but he doesn't have to be like the ineffective fathers in those fairytales - he could stand up for his DC's and be a good parent to them.

Why aren't you angry with him? Why are you doing nothing more than "suggesting" that he should pay to support his DC's? Why aren't you using the full force of the law against him to ensure they receive what they deserve?

[workingmumsarebad]

Verbal abuse now no longer possible after DS recorded her slagging me off to him and their DF had to acknowledge what was going on.

Emotional abuse - by having a pseudocrisis everytime there is supposed to be a contact weekend, so their DF can not have them. When they are in the house, ignoring them, not speaking to them, punishing them over her own DCS etc etc - she has now made it so difficult for them, they can only go round when she is away.v By stopping their father from seeing them by her deliberate actions - that is emotional abuse. He just needs to see it for what it is.

Nothing melodramatic about that and her social media sniping got me investigated by SS and suspended from my workplace - there is seriously nothing trivial about it.

As per usual the finances are deemed by some to be the issue. I earn a v good salary and can look after my DCs. It does no escape the fact their DF does not contribute as he should and never will. CSA will cause more anger and retribution and I do not need anymore hassle. I suggested it after he got promoted and the rise in his payment was £0. He got a £20K increase! That resulted in a v expensive holiday with DCs excluded.

Bluebell /paxillin - all I could wish for and more.

[Bluebell9]

I'm a stepmum to 2 lovely DSC. All I and my DP want from DPs ExW is to be fair and everyone to put the children first. And in the main, this is what happens. There are things that the ExW does that annoy me but I'm sure she feels the same about my DP and I.
Yes, there are frustrations and everyone sees situations from their own POV, but it works.
Unfortunately, both side have to want to be reasonable for it it work. You might be the most reasonable person there is, but if the other side of the DCs family aren't, then it will be hard for everyone.

[paxillin]

I'm both a mum and a stepmum.

What I want as a stepmum is fairly straightforward, DSC and DC to have a good relationship, plenty of contact, a sense of growing up together. A bit of help with planning all round. I'd like to know if the DSC are with us at Easter long before the event so we can book tickets. I'd like to be kept in the loop regarding school and health. Otherwise, a mutually supportive relationship and the trust that I have her children's best interest at heart. In return, I will reciprocate, make sure the children are part of our side of the family, too and will look after them to my best ability, emotionally, intellectually and financially. Oh, and enough contact to organise all of the above, but no more. Non-stepmothers don't have to spend lots of time with their husband's ex, I don't want more than necessary, either.

Luckily, we have all of the above. All the grown ups behave like grown ups and the relationships are as good as can be expected.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

^ What NewNN said, why are you complaining he's only had them to stay 8 nights in the last year if contact between the DC and their DF/SM is so damaging to them?

All this aside, why aren't you going through the CMS for the correct level of maintenance? You've brought it up several times and given no reason for not just setting it up e.g. he's self employed. He owes his DC that money and you'd presumably feel better if you didn't feel you were being screwed over.

Remove the financial issue and some of the rest may feel a bit less angsty and complicated.

Having said that, you really can't just lob out accusations of abuse like that. If that really is what you're saying why aren't you trying to protect your DC first and foremost instead of what the SM may or may not be banging on about on Facebook?

[NewNNfor2017]

they are the victims of domestic abuse, not me. Verbal and emotional abuse, by derogatory comments, being ignored and exclusion from family life.

Talk about drip feeding!

If your DCs SM is verbally and emotionally abusing them - what are you doing about that?

Complaining about the impact of her social media posts on your life seems rather trivial in comparison to the fact that your DCs are being abused in their fathers home.
Why on earth are you facilitating contact ?

[workingmumsarebad]

Never said all DMs are wonderful, never said all SMs were bad.

I just asked a question what would people like - because what I do is roundly criticised, yet the alternative would also get me criticised. There have been some lovely comments and then the usual suggestions of stuff allegedly implied but not actually meant on this forum

As to being a victim - that is too melodramatic. Am I on the receiving end of a mega load of shite from a woman and a step mum. Sorry on this you can not say the step mum part is not relevant - her ability to parent better than me and that my children have suffered from it are the direct consequence of her SM relationship with my DCs.

My DCs are the victims here - they are the victims of domestic abuse, not me. Verbal and emotional abuse, by derogatory comments, being ignored and exclusion from family life.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

several of us have experienced what you have - but at the hands of the DCs mum, not their stepmum.

Yep we have.

Let's not pretend that all DM are wonderful either.

[NewNNfor2017]

OP I'm really not sure what you are expecting from the stepparenting board,tbh.
You have, inadvertently, stumbled across a board where several of us have experienced what you have - but at the hands of the DCs mum, not their stepmum.

My DH had to resign his position due to allegations made against us both. I lost business due to DHs exs smear campaign against me. My DDs dad sought professional advice to assure himself of DDs safety due to court action initiated by DHs ex.

Your OP seems to indicate that you consider yourself to be the victim of a stepmum.
However, I don't think your experience is in any way unique to newW's. You are a victim of the actions of a woman - her role in your ExH life is merely coincidental.

Out of interest, does she have an exH? Has he remarried? Because it's possible she's making her DCs SMS life as miserable as she's making yours.

[needsahalo]

But if you really are not leaving kids alone

Why the doubt? Do you not see that is exactly what the OP is getting at? That despite people who know her well knowing she wouldn't behave in that way, they are doubting her because of the constant comments. Kind is a no smoke without fire situation. You sling enough mud, some of it sticks.

OP - hang on in there. Nothing you can do other than keep ignoring it.

[workingmumsarebad]

Bananas - so not true to any of the allegations. I go out once per month ( if I am lucky) after work for a drink and am home by 2130 at the latest!! Child minder stays on to look after them. I do go to work early, but only after the CM has arrived - have never once left them on their own in the house.

My work is with children, so her poisonous "gossip" threatens my job and hence my ability to provide. What the stupid idiot does not realise that if she continues like this and I lose my job, then I will be asking EX for the full maintenance. I was unable to work whilst SS investigated - my employer knew (laughed - thought it was crazy) but I really do not need my dirty laundry washed in public. It was humiliating and embarrassing. Holy cow they knew about me having emergency surgery and having to get CM to stay for two nights when I recovered. Ex refused to have them as they were not here to help me out, due to my lack of planning!!!!

EX sadly believes all the shite that is created about me. How she knows anything, when they are so rarely with their DF is beyond me. Also by me being 98% sole carer, they get to live in Utopia and not have to worry about child care ever. No chance they will go for custody.

Friends are great but, throw enough mud and eventually some people start questioning you, as I have found out.

usually I sail on through but this little episode - threatened everything I have built up over the past 4 years and I was made to feel like a criminal. Guilty till I proved I was innocnet not the other way round.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I can related to the feeling of isolation and worn down from criticism. I've had my Ex pounce on every single tiny thing just out of bitterness, although he begrudgingly accepts I am doing a good job. DPs Ex totally undermined everything I tried to do with DSDs too, everything, so in the end I had no value left even in DPs eyes. It has changed a lot now, but too late for one DSD who is now living with her Mum and all the things I was concerned about, but put down for, are now her concern and she is not coping.

It's horrible but if none of the accusations are true - are they OP? I'm saying that only because if any of them are getting yourself help asap would really help, ignore SM if your DP cares he will work with you, not against you - but assuming they are not true. And if they were, why isn't your DP talking to you and going for more custody?

But if you really are not leaving kids alone etc, then you need to ride it out, as the SM has been so public she will, eventually, be seen for a nasty stirrer for everyone to see. Get some support too - my friends kept me sane!

[CannotEvenDeal]

Everyone would prefer, first family, no history

Not me... Admittedly we have virtually zero complications though as I've simply raised dss as my own. I'd never be without my boy.

Every situation is different I suppose.

[workingmumsarebad]

My DCs are gorgeous, incredibly well adjusted all things considered and sad that they do not see their Dad enough.

They are the reason for staying quiet and enduring her endless abuse.

You know you do a good job, but every parent can be worn down and made to question their decision, when the criticism is relentless. I do not regret working, I do not regret sailing on with our lives and doing it well but a little break from this would be good.

I never realised I had this level of patience - am off to polish my halo!

[Wdigin2this]

Provided your DC are well fed, cared for, reasonably happy with their lives, (no kids are ever completely enthralled with every day life) If you get to see them as often as any (normal?) parent, tell the doubters, critics and badmouthers to f**k right off.....you're doing a good job!

[NewNNfor2017]

I get all SMs are not like her - just do not understand what will make her stop - other than me dropping off the face of the planet!

Many stepmums can relate to what you say - i have, and still do, face the same level of hostility from my DHs exW, despite it being her choice to cheat on him.

Nothing will make it stop. You just have to develop coping strategies to prevent it destroying your happiness.

[workingmumsarebad]

The SS visit was based on repeated calls alleging I left the DCs in the house on their own in the morning unsupervised.Also an investigation into my claiming benefits I am not entitled to. ( I do not claim any benefits!)

Also going out in the evening and leaving them alone till gone midnight.

Dirty clothing, unkempt, always hungry and the DCs allegedly stating that I locked them in a bed room when I went out and they were scared. No locks on the bedrooms in my house - so that was easy to discount.

I have to say I really was not goading - had reached the end of my tether. This bout of hatred - actually made me cry. Something i have not done since the first week the EX walked out. To now be constantly looking over my shoulder incase something causes us to blip on the SS radar again is very stressful.
I am damned if I do work, damned if I do not work. Damned if I stay at home and damned for not badgering their v well paid DF to contribute appropriately and care for his DCS appropriately.

The mutual old family acquaintances suddenly became very interested in my childcare set up and how I coped . Too many questions in too short space of time to be coincidence. When I was then shown an extract of what was on social media it made sense.

I get all SMs are not like her - just do not understand what will make her stop - other than me dropping off the face of the planet!

[NewNNfor2017]

As you yourself have been on the receiving end of malicious and false allegations, leading to SS involvement, you'll no doubt understand the feelings of those of us who share that experience.

Of course my in my case, it wasn't my DDs stepmum but my DHs ex who chose to behave in that way.

So the juxtaposition you refer to is actually that you are living the same life as I did as a SM, before i chose to detach myself from my DHs drama with his ex. I didn't marry her and divorce her, he did, and their relationship is none of my business.

I know some stepmums who do get involved in the relationship between their DP and his ex, but others like me, try desperately to stay out of it. Unfortunately, not all exW are as willing as you seems to be to allow that to happen, and insist on dragging the stepmum into the middle of the unfinished business between ex spouses by making accusations, demands and ultimatums.

[heidiwine]

To clarify, I'm not sure that I would repeat my choices (if I knew what I know now) and I may well run like the wind. BUT I stay with my DP. It's a conscious and considered choice. I do it because I love my DP and because I love my DSDs, they enrich my life. I know that if my partner and I were to separate his children would also suffer and they have had enough instability in their short lives to last a lifetime. My commitment is to them as much as to my partner. I definitely do not want their mum to "drop off the face of the planet"^^
And you know why?
Because if that was to happen it would cause an unimaginable amount of long-lasting distress to my partner's children and that's the last thing I want. I don't think my view is unusual and very much hope that's what most reasonable people would think/feel.

[SomethingLikeFlying]

The thread was goady and I expect you wanted to create a bit of a bun fight with this thread. Luckily people given you nice friendly responses.