Adult stepson, please give me some advice

[SmilingSadLady]

I have two DDs and two adults DSSs. We have a good, but not close, relationship.

Three weeks ago, the younger stepson, who is 21, came to live with us. I was unhappy with the way this was arranged. He graduated this year, got a good degree but no plan as to what next and spent the Summer, until October, travelling. He then said he had "no choice" but to come and live with us.

We live in the countryside, close to a City centre, but there is a decent commute. We are a drive away from the train station. My husband and I commute each day (on different days, we work part time and share the childcare). He chose not to get up early enough to come in with either of us, but often expects a lift from the parent who has done the school run. Again, in the evening, he times his return too late or too early to come back with either of us and then communicates that he needs a lift or money for a taxi. This is usually either at bath time or when only one of us is home (the other at work) and the children in bed.

He wakes up after us and usually comes in late. He texts, very politely, asking me for "supper please", or "supper would be nice". Previously we cooked an early tea for the children and then ate as a couple. Now I am either doing bigger meals with a lot more carbs that are easily repeatable when he gets in. He is fit, runs and is eating voraciously. It has had a big impact on our weekly grocery bill. He does not contribute financially.

My understanding was that we would be supporting him during his first job. I did not expect money from him and would rather he saved for his own accommodation. However, we did expect, and we made it clear, that we expected him to contribute 'in kind', by walking the dog, doing light housework (we all share this, but have a weekly cleaner), assisting in the garden.

He has taken the dog out twice when he is out for a run, at his convenience. He does not cook. His room smelled so bad after he had been with us for a week, that my husband asked him to air it and stop drying his sweaty running clothes on the radiators. My husband then did his laundry and he was piling up dirty clothes. I felt he should do his own laundry.

We spoke to him about his room and about the house in general, reiterating expectations. He was arrogant and rude to my husband and called me unstable, not to my face but so I could hear him.

He then made a point of washing his breakfast things but will only load or unload the dishwasher if he is asked and asked again. My two DDs do much more to help and my older DD (5) has noticed.

Each weekend he has been away and come back and told me about cooking with friends (he claims he cannot cook when we ask him to), parties etc. We asked him to get a part time job as his current job is a part-time unpaid internship. He opted for a weekend only contract, is away the next two weekends and has whinged about how it will impinge on his social life.

Two days ago I had bad news on a medical diagnosis which came 48 hours after other bad news. I had my young DD with me in the appointment so couldn't ask everything I wanted and my DH was working very late at an evening conference event which he was chairing, so we hadn't had a chance to talk in detail.

DH sent his son a text, to say I'd had a rough day and asking him to be supportive. That evening when DSS came home, he made a public call to his brother, with the door open, screaming and swearing at the top of his voice, for over an hour, complaining about me, my DH, my DDs, saying the youngest "shits everywhere" (she is in nappies, she does not shit everywhere). I was scared the little ones would wake up and also felt hugely intimidated by his swearing and screaming and accusations. He then walked up to me and said "good night" as if nothing had happened.

The next morning, he ignored my DH who told him he had crossed a line. He then became so verbally abusive, my DH was worried about the DDs, who were crying and scared. I took them to get them ready for school and nursery and things escalated so much that my DH called the police. The police said we had an arrogant man child in the house and that we should ask him to leave for a few days while we work out what to do. This is the first night. I have been up since midnight, in tears, shaken, not at all sure what to do. I feel like a complete failure as a stepparent.

My little girls were looking forward to their brother coming. They thought he would play with them, read bedtime stories, just as he has done when he has stayed for visits and holidays.

I think it would be good for them to see that things can go wrong in families and put right again, but I also felt frightened of him and don't ever want to feel like that in my own home. I'm very distressed about what he said about the DDs as well. He was really vile about them.

And...our expectations of him basically being a good flatmate and pulling his weight are so mismatched with wha the expects from us.

Please be kind to me. I have had a horrendous week and am exhausted.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I think it would be good for your daughters to know that there is a level of behaviour that isn't acceptable, and that he needed to go and get a bit of help to manage his behaviour. But that of course they'd see him again.

[pinkyredrose]

Glad that I could help OP. When are you going to tell them? I hope it goes well, I'm sure it will.

[SmilingSadLady]

Thank you. I was going to wait until they ask tomorrow, or maybe tell them over breakfast. The little one is 2, but she was toddling round with him and keeps saying she wants to cuddle DSS.

Really good advice on here. Thank you.

[Footle]

Of course the girls will have a relationship with him when some time has gone by, unless he turns out to be one of the relatively few irredeemable ones.