help needed

[user1468438274]

Hi,
Im a pregnant mother with a 3 year old and a 24 year old step daughter.
Im due to have my 2nd child in November and want the bigger room, (currently occupied by the step daughter) for my younger daughter so I can get the nursery room ready (currently occupied by my younger daughter) which means my step daughter having to move out soon, (something me and my husband have been asking her to do for the past 2years)
I am becoming more and more annoyed at this pattern that my husband and his daughter have got into, we find a flat for her, pass on the details to her then she does nothing, then I ask my husband to talk to her about it but never does(2 years of this!) We have even stopped charging her rent to help her save up , (even though she has 2 jobs!) but she continues to live in a bubble and spends money on clothes and shoes and doesn't even discuss moving out.
Im getting more annoyed and stressed at her and at my husband as I feel like she will never move out!
thank you for reading my post, will be very appreciative of any advice.

[Bambamrubblesmum]

I agree there probably needed to be a lot of lead in conversations to make the transition smooth. So post college or university discussion on what the long term plan was and working towards that, with clear goals.

A nominal amount of rent would also have emphasised the shift from child to adult and the expectations involved.

Just asking her to move out now is going to be difficult and emotionally jarring. Maybe you could agree a long term plan with staged goals? Ie get x amount in the bank, identify and view suitable accommodation, get start up kit together (furniture,bedding, pots and pans etc).

Have you spoken to your DH yet and reached a way forward?

[howtodowills]

What I'm saying has nothing to do with op being a step mum though. I just think it's harsh to kick one DC out because you want to have another. And I STILL don't know why DSD can't have a small room (and pay rent) and the two little ones stay.

If DSD is a very lazy member of the family/hard to have around/inconsiderate etc I would understand more but from what OP says that isn't the case.

OP and her husband keep giving her details of flats and she does nothing. But if you haven't had the actual conversation then you can't really be frustrated.
If nobody has discussed in a friendly way "what are your plans? Do you want to live with friends? Etc etc" then someone just shoving you flat details is bound to sting! Talk about feeling unwanted!

I don't think you're necessarily unreasonable for wanting a 24 yr old to move out but I think the way you're doing it is all wrong!

[Ivorbig1]

I'm a very miserable step mum and even I don't think you can kick her out, tell her move out, call it what you will. Thank you lucky stars she wants to be around.

[Ivorbig1]

Your two young children can share a room when the time comes, a newborn does not need a nursery or if your dc are like mine, won't even want a bed for a good few months!
Sd gets small room and pays rent. The rent subsidy was for her to save and move out, she has not moved out, rent is needed please.

[Findingpeace]

I agree it's harder these days to find affordable housing. However, at 24 I would expect her to have saved a pretty sizeable amount, especially as she isn't paying rent/house keeping. Has she expressed a desire to the op and her DF that she wants to save to buy a house? It doesn't sound like this is the case. I would suggest that rather she is enjoying the relative freedoms of living off her DF and spending her own money on clothes etc.

I think young adults these days are struggling with the idea of moving out and no longer being able to afford the latest mobile, Sky packages, car etc. However, this is part of growing up. Who of us were able to afford all we had when we lived with our parents?

The young adults who are struggling to become independent need a nudge to move out and prove to themselves that they can do it, that they can rely on themselves. The disservice comes from allowing them to remain children and not develop confidence in themselves as fully functioning adults. That's not to say that if at some point they fall their DF's and step mum's aren't there to help and support them. The assumption being made of the op is that she is uncaring and plans to wash her hands of her dsd. I personally don't make this assumption automatically of step parents, because I know how hard and frustrating it is to be a step parent and at the same time care about your DSDs and want good things for them while at the same time not condoning irresponsibility and entitlement.

[Bambamrubblesmum]

I hope we want our children to be empowered adults who are able to cope with life as independent human beings. So if anything happens to us they can carry on and lead independent productive lives. After all we are raising the next generation not kidults.

I left home at 19, my brother at 18. Struggling early on made us realise where we want to be in life and strive to get it.

The young people in our family are heading the same way. One said to me the other day that living in the flat share was motivating them in their career so they can get on and get promoted (not that she is not enjoying the young single life with her flatmates, she just knows what she wants and is going for it!). I admire her outlook.

I think it is a disservice to not want more for them than being dependent on their parents.

If the wheels fall off the wagon then of course as a parent I would step in and help. But I want my children to at least try.

[Cosmo111]

A disservice? Really as people said it's far harder else days to support yourself and in a house especially on your own. I know loads of people even at my age who have just moved out as they had to save up. It's not going to get any easier for the next generation either. My kids will always be welcome back home if they need to. They will always be my kids for life not matter what age. You can charge her log by all means not saying she shouldn't contribute to the household but not to abandon her in favour of younger siblings space.

[cannotlogin]

I have to agree - even at the grand old age of 45 I know I would always have a home with my mum if for some reason I needed it. I have never had an issue standing in my own two feet or paying my own bills. I can't imagine how it would feel to be pushed out in the way the OP is describing. I kind of have a sense of ' a child is for life, not just for Xmas not just to the age of 18'. It is not unreasonable to expect 'keep', support in the house etc but to oust her from her home so you can play happy families?

[Lunar1]

Is that all we are allowed to want for our children though, to struggle along in a flat share? How do they save up in this case, or is that all you allowed to hope for if you have a step parent that wants rid?

[Bambamrubblesmum]

I agree. I think we are actually doing our kids a disservice by treating them like children into their twenties. In our extended family there are a number of twenty somethings who have moved out and are standing on their own two feet. Whilst it is financially tough it is doable. There are a lot of excuses these days about how its unaffordable. Most we know are in flat shares working full time. They've cut their cloth to suit their coat.

You're an easy target as a SM OP, whatever you do is going to be wrong in someone's eyes. You need to do what's best for your own situation and only you really know the dynamics involved.

[Findingpeace]

I'm sorry, when did this 24 year old dsd turn into an 18 year old who is being kicked out? She's 24 years old. She should be encouraged to think about moving out and becoming more independent. I think parents who let their kids stay past the age of 20 are doing them a dis-service. At what point are young adults expected to become functioning adults? That doesn't mean they are kicked to the curb and not supported by their parents and step-parents, practically, emotionally and sometimes financially.
The op has been happy to support her dsd and she's still living with them at the age of 24. Op is not some evil step monster wanting to replace her dsd with her birth children. The 'second' family, which you all so prejudicely call it, is not any less important then the 'first' family! Now if she was talking about kicking her out at 16 this would be another matter entirely.

[howtodowills]

OP- I can see how some of the posts made you feel a bit attacked. I'm a "stepmum" and have felt a bit like that sometimes when I have posted.

I also moved out @ 18 and never lived at home again but I'm expecting my bio DCs won't be able to do that - nor my "steps" as life is different now.

I think you're fine to ask for rent and expect her to contribute to household life (cooking/ cleaning up etc) as she is an adult in the house but I don't know why your two little ones couldn't have the big room. Is that an option?

[Lunar1]

It's not about kicking you when your down. Not everyone has to agree with you. My children will have a place in my home until the day I die if they need it. Dh feels the same. The thought that I'd force them out makes me feel physically sick.life is so different now from when I was 18, I want my children to have the chances I did, but they will need a lot more help and support to achieve it.

[Cosmo111]

I think the fact that OP reply was so defensive suggests an element of guilt there. Unfortunately this can happen to children when there parent remarries a new partner and starts a second family it shouldn't but its not unheard of. I suspect the DSD will be aware shes not wanted.

[LilacSpunkMonkey]

Sorry, but I agree. It's not on to kick someone out because you've decided to have another baby. A baby doesn't need its own room.

My kids can live with me as long as they want to. I'm their parent. If they don't have a home with me then where do they have one?

[NickiFury]

Oh for crying out loud you are not being attacked, people are disagreeing with you. Give yourself a shake and ask yourself if you are perhaps being a bit unfair. That is what most sensible people would do if people disagreed with their point of view.

[ladylambkin]

Why can't the 2 little ones share a room?

I agree that you should have thought of lack of space when you were planning to have another baby

[Cosmo111]

Don't

[Cosmo111]

At the end of the day not everyone is going to agree with you this is what happens when you go on a public forum. My DH is a step dad to my DS he wouldn't dream of showing him the door at that age. All our DC would always be welcome home no matter happens in life our home will always be there's . They don't just stop being your child when they turn 18. It's clear you hold your DSD in the same regard as you do your own DD.

[user1468438274]

I though this was a place which offered help and advice to step parents not attack them. Being a Step parent is very hard and challenging and I wanted some advice, which a few of you at the beginning have give and I thank you for that, but to the rest of you, thanks for kicking a woman when she's down.

[Cosmo111]

So OP are you to serve eviction notice to your eldest out after her 18 birthday?

[Cosmo111]

I don't believe you would turf your DD when she's old enough to make room for another sibling. Your attitude about her is pretty bad. I moved at 18 went to uni got my own place with my ex at 21 he walked out on me and my parents had us back at home aged 23 I was unable to afford to move back out on my own but when I met my DH later down the line we moved in together. Thank god for my parents kindness. Awful when step parents totally disregard their DP first family in favour of their own. They should be treated equally.

[CannotEvenDeal]

Nicki yes it's highly irritating isn't it. This thread makes me quite sad tbh. I want, I am becoming, I'm getting etc etc etc. Ok she's an adult but anyone getting involved (let alone pregnant twice) with a man with children should realise that it won't always be about you, you, you.

I hope she has the maturity and courage to move out at 18 and live her own life, as I did.

Bully for you! Let's also hope that she meets a man with kids and then has her own in a bid to get the eldest kids from his ex out of the way. Then she'd be just as wonderful as you, fantastic attitude you have

[NickiFury]

Times have changed and most 18 year olds not not have the resources to be turfed out on their ear and make it at age 18 these days. Don't they have to be in full time education till then?

"What is about Dads and daughters?"

Aaahh yes that pesky love thing that a parent has for their child, really pain in the arse isn't it?

[Lunar1]

It's so hard for young adults now, the cost of living is just so high. I did leave at 18 due to uni, but my brother stayed till about 26. He was working but it was a long time till he could afford to be independent. Thank goodness my stepdad didn't throw him out!

I really feel sorry for people in this situation, where their parent is happy for them to stay in the family home but a step parent wants them out, especially when it's to make space for much younger half siblings, it's like they are being replaced.