Considering leaving DH - I'm a barrier to his relationship with his daughter?

[Potatopie3]

I love my DH and he is very kind, we've been together 5 years. We get on really well, except that he has got very resentful of me recently.

DSD is 18, we used to get along fine but she saw me as taking over her role when I moved in. She doesn't do any housework but she talks to DH like her mother does - ie very bossy! Puts him down a lot. She lived with us full time but moved out 2 months ago to go to her mothers and apparently I am to blame. DSD told DH and her mother than it was because of me and that 'we were incompatible'.

It all came to a head when I asked her to clear up her mess (dirty dishes left all over the house) - normal teenage stuff - DH was at work so I asked her - in a reasonable way I thought. She went mad and told me to keep out of her business. I said that I was fed up clearing after. I usually try and keep a step back and let DH deal with most things, but I'm not a skivvy. I said that we all lived under the same roof and we need to cooperate.

I feel sad as I did used to make a big effort, listened to her when she was sad, took her out to cinemas etc, helped her with homework. I just always seem to be told to stay in the background where I belong. As she's grown older it's like she feels she can do what she likes in the house and totally ignore me.

Anyway, DH walked in and she ran up to him and told him that I was 'always on her back' and he immediately had a massive go at me! Without even listening to my side of the story.

He then said that DSD was very upset with me as she didn't want to go to her to go to her mum's (currently only once a month) - but to make up her own mind about when and where. I wanted a weekend with just me and DH to ourselves tbh, esp as she often gets the hump with me, even if it is only once a month. She gets on with her mum fine, but likes DH because he goes really easy on her and she can basically do what she likes.

To cut a long story short, DSD moved out to her mums shortly after, without either DH or DSD telling me. She has since refused to come around to the house 'as it is too awkward' with me there. DH sulks all the time and refuses point blank to talk to me.

I think it would be best to just call it a day with DH. I can't control how his DSD feels about me. I have never been mean. Never raised my voice to her. Tried to be sensitive. But I cannot take being resented like this. I want to scream 'it's not my fault!'. I eventually told DH and he is mortified, he said that he would hate me to leave.

[DetestableHerytike]

Anyway, DH walked in and she ran up to him and told him that I was 'always on her back' and he immediately had a massive go at me! Without even listening to my side of the story.

This is a problem with your DP.

However, at 18, I would expect her to make her own choices about when to see her mum. The reason you want her out of the house is because of the bad relationship, which is understandable, but that needs to be addressed, not the hours.

Could you and DP go out all day/go away for a weekend and she stay home (this is assuming you figure things out and she comes back to live with you).

It's not on for him to sulk and not talk to you though,

[DetestableHerytike]

And every 18 year old will argue with the resident adults about mess! Your DP should know that.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

" Frustrated too as I know DSD doesn't really realise her actions could hurt our relationship and DH so much, she's too young to know the magnitude of what withholding your affection to your Dad can do."

I wouldn't bank on that being the case at all!
I would think she knows exactly what she's doing, and what she's causing.
And I would also think that she'll be very pleased if you DO go, and stop "ruining" her time with her Daddy.
I mean, you've said it all really - she prefers her Dad's because he doesn't make her do anything she doesn't want to - but suddenly YOU do. YOU are the thorn in her side and she will be very happy to be rid of you.

She might not fully realise that her Dad will be upset by you leaving, that much I'll give you - but she will be selfish enough at that age to think that doesn't really matter and he'll get over it. But as far as knowing how much SHE is hurting him, and how much she's damaging your relationship with her dad - I'd bet anything you like she knows exactly what she's doing.

[Potatopie3]

I was, and always have been, particularly gentle with DSD. Treated her a lot. Gave her lots of alone time with her Dad. Tried to understand DHs position too, I knew he was always a bit indulgent and DSD a bit spoils, but each to their own I thought.

But yes like previous posters have said, I'm very willing to acknowledge it's not always great being a separated Dad or a daughter to a Step Mum. However, as I've been made a complete scapegoat and I actually have no option but to leave.

I think DH feels too guilty and too loyal to his daughter to NOT blame me - if you see what I mean.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Oh Potato - don't for one minute think that I was blaming you too, I absolutely wasn't. Just saying that you should maybe consider that this has been planned.

I don't honestly think it should change your decision because I don't think you're ever going to get your DH to see anything from your point of view - he's helped to create the "monster", he's not going to realise that though - so yes, it's far easier to blame you than accept any responsibility himself for it now. And he can't blame his DD either, because he just can't; and in fact would probably be unfair to do so as it's at least half his fault that she's turned out like that! If he'd been strong on principles and discipline to start with, she wouldn't have seen you as the fly in the ointment, it would have just been how it was at Dad's house.

[Potatopie3]

thumb thanks, I do think that you may be right. Yet, as you, the only ones to have any control to change this situation are DSD and DH. which doesn't seem likely. It's a shame isn't it?

I get that a DSD might have tunnel vision at 18, and I get that DH is indulgent. However it results in a huge change to DHs happiness, and DSD will have a Dad who either replaces me with someone else, or is a bit miserable and lonely, which isn't good for her in the long run either.

No one wins!

[Potatopie3]

Sorry I meant in the first line, 'Yet, as you have pointed out... '

[Eliza22]

You are not alone. I don't imagine things will change much. Sorry to be pessimistic. Perhaps if you moved away, it would force several issues. DH might realise that he ought not to allow his daughter to behave so rudely; that he has lost his partner because of it. He might parent her in a way that says "you're an adult now and I expect grown up behaviour and respect for others". She might imagine that she has caused such bad feeling that you would rather leave your husband than put up with her behaviour. Then again, she might not give two hoots.

Your sd wants dad to choose. Her or you. If he chooses you, she may well "punish him" for his betrayal.

This is the situation I live in. Haven't seen sd for 5 years. DH didn't back her up when she wanted him to (he couldn't, there were no grounds for her many complaints) and she ignored him for 2 years. She will not come to our home though she does meet up with DH from time to time.

Sometimes, it doesn't matter what you do. As someone higher up the thread commented..."damned if you do, damned if you don't"

[daftgeranium]

OP - it's exactly as thumb says. It's your DP. He has created the monster here; he is being selfish; he has not stepped up to his responsibilities and now unfortunately the effects of his poor parenting are showing up loud and clear in the girl. And he isn't man enough to take the blame for that. Unfortunately the poor girl in this situation hasn't been dealt the best of cards. It's all a big shame, but you are being made the scapegoat for all of it.

I had exactly this situation but the girl was 15. She decided that she hated me because I was parenting her, he wasn't! And, despite all my efforts to get on with her, she was a real little bitch. I soulsearched and tried every way I could to make it work. He did nothing, and I left. I think I probably bruised his poor little ego, but even now I bet you anything that he blames me and my 'high standards' for the whole situation.

Walk away. Walk away from it all. It's painful at first, but then it is liberating. You deserve better treatment than this. Take it from one who has wasted a good part of her life trying to act in good faith in picking up the emotional mess left by other people's bad parenting, with no thanks at all, and plenty of bruises.

PM me if you want to chat about it, happy to offer support if needed.