Considering leaving DH - I'm a barrier to his relationship with his daughter?

[Potatopie3]

I love my DH and he is very kind, we've been together 5 years. We get on really well, except that he has got very resentful of me recently.

DSD is 18, we used to get along fine but she saw me as taking over her role when I moved in. She doesn't do any housework but she talks to DH like her mother does - ie very bossy! Puts him down a lot. She lived with us full time but moved out 2 months ago to go to her mothers and apparently I am to blame. DSD told DH and her mother than it was because of me and that 'we were incompatible'.

It all came to a head when I asked her to clear up her mess (dirty dishes left all over the house) - normal teenage stuff - DH was at work so I asked her - in a reasonable way I thought. She went mad and told me to keep out of her business. I said that I was fed up clearing after. I usually try and keep a step back and let DH deal with most things, but I'm not a skivvy. I said that we all lived under the same roof and we need to cooperate.

I feel sad as I did used to make a big effort, listened to her when she was sad, took her out to cinemas etc, helped her with homework. I just always seem to be told to stay in the background where I belong. As she's grown older it's like she feels she can do what she likes in the house and totally ignore me.

Anyway, DH walked in and she ran up to him and told him that I was 'always on her back' and he immediately had a massive go at me! Without even listening to my side of the story.

He then said that DSD was very upset with me as she didn't want to go to her to go to her mum's (currently only once a month) - but to make up her own mind about when and where. I wanted a weekend with just me and DH to ourselves tbh, esp as she often gets the hump with me, even if it is only once a month. She gets on with her mum fine, but likes DH because he goes really easy on her and she can basically do what she likes.

To cut a long story short, DSD moved out to her mums shortly after, without either DH or DSD telling me. She has since refused to come around to the house 'as it is too awkward' with me there. DH sulks all the time and refuses point blank to talk to me.

I think it would be best to just call it a day with DH. I can't control how his DSD feels about me. I have never been mean. Never raised my voice to her. Tried to be sensitive. But I cannot take being resented like this. I want to scream 'it's not my fault!'. I eventually told DH and he is mortified, he said that he would hate me to leave.

[daftgeranium]

OP - it's exactly as thumb says. It's your DP. He has created the monster here; he is being selfish; he has not stepped up to his responsibilities and now unfortunately the effects of his poor parenting are showing up loud and clear in the girl. And he isn't man enough to take the blame for that. Unfortunately the poor girl in this situation hasn't been dealt the best of cards. It's all a big shame, but you are being made the scapegoat for all of it.

I had exactly this situation but the girl was 15. She decided that she hated me because I was parenting her, he wasn't! And, despite all my efforts to get on with her, she was a real little bitch. I soulsearched and tried every way I could to make it work. He did nothing, and I left. I think I probably bruised his poor little ego, but even now I bet you anything that he blames me and my 'high standards' for the whole situation.

Walk away. Walk away from it all. It's painful at first, but then it is liberating. You deserve better treatment than this. Take it from one who has wasted a good part of her life trying to act in good faith in picking up the emotional mess left by other people's bad parenting, with no thanks at all, and plenty of bruises.

PM me if you want to chat about it, happy to offer support if needed.

[Eliza22]

You are not alone. I don't imagine things will change much. Sorry to be pessimistic. Perhaps if you moved away, it would force several issues. DH might realise that he ought not to allow his daughter to behave so rudely; that he has lost his partner because of it. He might parent her in a way that says "you're an adult now and I expect grown up behaviour and respect for others". She might imagine that she has caused such bad feeling that you would rather leave your husband than put up with her behaviour. Then again, she might not give two hoots.

Your sd wants dad to choose. Her or you. If he chooses you, she may well "punish him" for his betrayal.

This is the situation I live in. Haven't seen sd for 5 years. DH didn't back her up when she wanted him to (he couldn't, there were no grounds for her many complaints) and she ignored him for 2 years. She will not come to our home though she does meet up with DH from time to time.

Sometimes, it doesn't matter what you do. As someone higher up the thread commented..."damned if you do, damned if you don't"

[Potatopie3]

Sorry I meant in the first line, 'Yet, as you have pointed out... '

[Potatopie3]

thumb thanks, I do think that you may be right. Yet, as you, the only ones to have any control to change this situation are DSD and DH. which doesn't seem likely. It's a shame isn't it?

I get that a DSD might have tunnel vision at 18, and I get that DH is indulgent. However it results in a huge change to DHs happiness, and DSD will have a Dad who either replaces me with someone else, or is a bit miserable and lonely, which isn't good for her in the long run either.

No one wins!

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Oh Potato - don't for one minute think that I was blaming you too, I absolutely wasn't. Just saying that you should maybe consider that this has been planned.

I don't honestly think it should change your decision because I don't think you're ever going to get your DH to see anything from your point of view - he's helped to create the "monster", he's not going to realise that though - so yes, it's far easier to blame you than accept any responsibility himself for it now. And he can't blame his DD either, because he just can't; and in fact would probably be unfair to do so as it's at least half his fault that she's turned out like that! If he'd been strong on principles and discipline to start with, she wouldn't have seen you as the fly in the ointment, it would have just been how it was at Dad's house.

[Potatopie3]

I was, and always have been, particularly gentle with DSD. Treated her a lot. Gave her lots of alone time with her Dad. Tried to understand DHs position too, I knew he was always a bit indulgent and DSD a bit spoils, but each to their own I thought.

But yes like previous posters have said, I'm very willing to acknowledge it's not always great being a separated Dad or a daughter to a Step Mum. However, as I've been made a complete scapegoat and I actually have no option but to leave.

I think DH feels too guilty and too loyal to his daughter to NOT blame me - if you see what I mean.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

" Frustrated too as I know DSD doesn't really realise her actions could hurt our relationship and DH so much, she's too young to know the magnitude of what withholding your affection to your Dad can do."

I wouldn't bank on that being the case at all!
I would think she knows exactly what she's doing, and what she's causing.
And I would also think that she'll be very pleased if you DO go, and stop "ruining" her time with her Daddy.
I mean, you've said it all really - she prefers her Dad's because he doesn't make her do anything she doesn't want to - but suddenly YOU do. YOU are the thorn in her side and she will be very happy to be rid of you.

She might not fully realise that her Dad will be upset by you leaving, that much I'll give you - but she will be selfish enough at that age to think that doesn't really matter and he'll get over it. But as far as knowing how much SHE is hurting him, and how much she's damaging your relationship with her dad - I'd bet anything you like she knows exactly what she's doing.

[DetestableHerytike]

And every 18 year old will argue with the resident adults about mess! Your DP should know that.

[DetestableHerytike]

Anyway, DH walked in and she ran up to him and told him that I was 'always on her back' and he immediately had a massive go at me! Without even listening to my side of the story.

This is a problem with your DP.

However, at 18, I would expect her to make her own choices about when to see her mum. The reason you want her out of the house is because of the bad relationship, which is understandable, but that needs to be addressed, not the hours.

Could you and DP go out all day/go away for a weekend and she stay home (this is assuming you figure things out and she comes back to live with you).

It's not on for him to sulk and not talk to you though,

[coolaschmoola]

I would leave and let him clean up after the idle beggar. Who will they blame then?

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

There's a difference between 'some blame' and becoming the family scapegoat.

I'll echo another poster here and say that I don't think you have a step daughter problem, you have a DP problem. If he cannot act like a grown up then yes, I cannot see how you carry on from here. You can't be the adult for two people. I do wonder if you could have been gentler in your efforts to get SD to behave better about the house, but it's hard to tell because it sounds like things had been coming to a head for a while.

Have you tried to have this conversation with DP? That he needs to step up and recognize his part in making this mess, and also his part in resolving it?

Good luck.

[swingofthings]

You say in your first post that you used to get along so what changed?

It sounds to me like a conflict of who rules the roost. From your perspective, you are the adult and partner, therefore you should be in charged and your OH supporting you.

From her perspective, all was going well and her and her dad got on fine, then you moved in, and at first, was happy with the way things were, but then gradually, decided that you didn't like her position in the household and started to impose yours.

From his perspective, he was a happy man, one who had a brilliant relationship with his daughter, and then fell in love with you. You moved in, he was a bit anxious about things, but everything settle well and you and her got along, so he was a happy man. Then suddenly things started to change, you started to be more imposing and the whole dynamism started to change leading to her moving to her mum.

So of course he is going to blame you as the way he sees it, all was fine until you started to want to change the dynamism of the household. Something had to happen though as you were not happy as things were, but maybe didn't go about it the best way.

You now think that because there is some blame being put on you that you should end your relationship rather than trying to work on it?

[LaBelleOtero]

You'll always be second fiddle to his dd - and she's a hostile and competitive first fiddle! You know it. If you can, get out and save yourself more grief.

And it's very manipulative of him to sulk and give you the silent treatment and then act shocked when you say you're unhappy.

[Oldandfallingtobits]

So, my son at 15 threw a total strop at my partner for interrupting his life, my partner had higher expectations about tidyness and being more respectful within the house, there was a stand off, I heard my partners view, I spoke to my son, I understood both sides, I asked my son if he was happy if I wanted my partner to leave ? But to understand that meant that I was by myself and would be going forward or could he work with him, I went to my partner and asked him to let deal with any issues by telling me first, it took tons of communication but we got there, my son is 26 now, lives in his own house and considers my now husband his dad, your partner needs to support you but his child needs to understand boundaries, your partner needs to step up. We are great now, but if my son had said at 15 he wasn't willing to work with it I would have split up with my partner.

[Potatopie3]

swing the point is I'm being blamed here, being sulked at and DSD is refusing to come to the house because of me.

If there was, as you say, just different points of view, then this blaming of me would not be happening, and I would not have to leave.

[swingofthings]

But who actually behaved badly here? I don't believe it was me.
Of course you don't believe you did, but then they believe differently at the moment and you can't change that either. In the end, it's not about who is right and wrong, it's about accepting that you don't see eye to eye and don't get along. He might blame you because maybe he felt you should have made more of an effort, but could you see more blame there than there really is? He wants you to stay, so clearly it hasn't killed his love for you.

You seem to have made up your mind about going though and if you are not prepared to wait to see if things get better or fight for your OH, then maybe your relationship is not strong enough indeed to cope with difficult times.

[Potatopie3]

Sorry to have vented a bit earlier, I think things have got to me. I can't really stay. Drastic at it sounds, blame is a big thing to have hanging over me.

I talked to DH recently. He was shocked and really does not want me to leave. However he says that his DSD was 'being adult' as she said that 'me and her just didn't get along', and that he admires her for being brave. I don't really know what to say to that. I don't want him putting down his daughter, but he is basically denying that there is a cloud over me, and I can see the blame will still be there.

[ElspethFlashman]

So you told him you were thinking about seperation? What was his reaction? Or rather what was his solution?

I agree this could go on years. Particularly if she dislikes living with her mum and they will start rubbing each other up the wrong way sooner rather than later. She could return shortly and live with her adoring Dad for years to come.

[Kimononono]

This isn't you.

Don't let them both blame you for all this. And tbh it's not really your dsd 'fault' it's your Dh fault for letting this go on so long. He obviously let his daughter take on the wife/adult side relationship before he met you.

I couldn't allow any one to make me the scape goat. If you go and he doesn't fight for you and she moves back in - things were obviously not as solid as you think. If you go and he thinks 'fuck what have I done?' And works at getting you back would be a new start.

You can't have a new start while every one is blaming you.

Sounds shit but this isn't your fault.

[Potatopie3]

George the Third I was the only one to be made to feel unwelcome here. I went out of my way for DSD, but yes, the one weekend a month she went to her mums was a huge relief from her increasing rudeness towards me and gave me a tiny, tiny chance to have some time with my DP. If that was unwelcoming or unreasonable then I suggest you walk in my shoes for a couple of weeks before you even think of judging me. I'm giving up the man I love here. It's no easy choice.

I'm a bit tired of DSCs being given carte blanch to give a SM any amount of grief, without any responsibility for any pain, hurt or grief it causes anyone else.

[NataliaOsipova]

I would go - and I would do so a little bit cynically, to be honest. If you move out, you're playing her at her own game and she will get to see that actions have consequences - ie her dad will be upset. Plus - it gives you a chance a) to take stock of things and how YOU really feel with a bit of distance and b) to see how your DH reacts and how well he steps up to the plate.

[P1nkP0ppy]

It sounds untenable to me op, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't
I'd feel like banging their heads together when they're both sulking, you appear to be the sole adult in the family.

I wouldn't wait to see if things improve, it might never happen.

[Potatopie3]

Thanks very much all of your responses.

My main concern is being the 'scapegoat' and blamed for this, I can see this stropiness on DSDs part going on for some time, with her and DP both united in blaming me for her leaving home for her mothers.

It could go on for years. I'm not sure that I want to wait around to see if either of them will actually have the decency to start to treat me like a human being.

I can see that they may well get over it at some point, and then treat me as if it never happened. I'm not sure I like living with any underlying tension and then just having to suck it up. Depressing thought!

There is also no room for my anger. DP sulks, DSD sulks and strops. But who actually behaved badly here? I don't believe it was me. Yet I'm supposed to not have any feelings myself. We are all adults now.
If I move out, but we carry on a relationship, I think I'd just feel like I'd been moved out by a stroppy teenager and I can't see feeling good about my DP allowing that to happen.

[swingofthings]

Give it time. You clearly came in her life and with it came some changes that had no benefit to her personally. It isn't so bad to adapt when you are 2, it's much harder when your 18. Maybe her moving to her mum is not a bad thing. She is an adult anyway, so your OH should have been used to the idea that it would happen sooner than later.

I would just let things settle and see if they get better. For all you know, now that she is at her mum, you might get along better...after time to let the anger/bitterness die down.

[GeorgeTheThird]

"I wanted a weekend with just me and DH to ourselves tbh"

From her perspective, you moved into her home and made her feel unwelcome.