.....but honestly, really do your parents treat or feel the same about their dgc as their DSGC ?

[Marilynsbigsister]

In the knowledge that threads about threads are frowned upon, it just made me think and want to ask all you lovely step parents, here in a safe place.. (Rather than the vipers den of AIBU where all step parent are wicked step child haters) do your parents really consider your step children on an equal basis to their biological grandchildren. I know my mum doesn't and tbh I think the whole thing is really a kind of silent conspiracy that this is what they should be feeling but actually don't.

To put in context, my parents would never in a million years be mean to my DSC. They send birthday gifts without fail. They chat when they come over to visit, but this whole 'if your parents can't treat them the same you shouldn't engage - all seems a little, well, made up ? My dcs dads parents are dead, so they only have one set of gp's , whereas DSC have 2 sets of completely adoring GPs. (Dh's are equally nice to mine, but don't for example have them to stay for weeks in the holidays etc, ask about school, chat on the phone. It's very similar to how my parents are with dhs children. Friendly, kind but no real bond.

Interested to ask, are there any of you out their where your parents genuinely treat your children and your partners children from a previous relationship absolutely equally...and for that matter extended family...would your Aunties/Uncles / cousins for example be upset if your step children weren't at a family party held by the grandparents/great grandparents to whom they had no biological link. ?

[BoboChic]

Why should - for example - my parents have treated my DSSs the same way they treated my DD? My DSSs have their own maternal GPs.

[FrankGrimes]

I have SGPs and adore them as much as my biological GP. I am sure that they feel / felt the same way about me as they did their biological GDC.

I know that it doesn't extend beyond them though. Their DC and family have never viewed our family the same way which I am mostly fine with. I was very upset at the funeral of my Step Grandfather though when his biological GS gave a eulogy and referred to "his children and Grandchildren", but forgot that he had Great Grandchildren from myself and another cousin. To me, they were just as much his Great Grandchildren, just technically not biologically.

[MrsJayy]

I was introduced at a step uncles funeral as (mums name) daughter was really awkward they kept asking where sister was.

[AGruffaloCrumble]

Wdigin2this
I just think it's really sad. I never said I would think badly of them but I wouldn't put my child in a situation where she wasn't cared for like a member of the family. My DD has become DP's nephews cousin and DP's siblings niece. They refer to themselves as auntie/uncle x to her. There's no difference between her and her cousin of an equal age. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations as my own experience has been so positive towards my DD.

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

To some, I don't think step grandchildren are as special to grandparents as their actual grandchildren. I can imagine it rankling a bit when they struggle getting time with their grandchildren because the steps at always there.
Grandparents like to help out with their grandchildren (practically and financially), and to spoil them, take them on holiday, etc etc... I don't think some would want to do the same for a stepgrandchild. I know I don't speak for everyone though.

[HormonalHeap]

My dh's mum doesn't even to pretend to treat my kids the same, giving birthday presents to her grandchildren only. But then my kids have both sets of grandparents, they just see her as dh's mother- which really is ok

[MrsJayy]

See i only had 1 grandparent when mum remarried i was only 7 but they had been together for a while before so maybe that was the difference

[MrsJayy]

And i didnt have contact with my biodad either so there was no stepping on toes iyswim

[WannaBe]

Surely there are so many factors at play here that it's simply not a black and white answer.

I.e. The age of the children is surely one of the biggest contributors plus the amount of time they are resident in the step parent's home plus the amount of time the grandparents etc spend with the family?

So e.g. if the stepchildren enter the family when they're babies or toddlers they are going to do a lot more of their growing up as part of the family than if they're pre teens or teenagers, and therefore the relationship is going to be different by default. Similarly if the Dc are resident within the home of the incoming partner then the relationship between the step parent and SDC is going to be different on account of the fact that they live there full-time, and as such the step parent may view them more of a part of their family and thus have the expectation that their extended family should do the same, As opposed to if they live 300 miles away and only see the SDC once a month and during the school holidays, for instance.

And while people are saying that grandparents shouldn't have to view or treat the SGC the same, it's also then worth remembering that the SGC shouldn't automatically be expected to embrace the incoming step family and want to be attending step family functions if they don't want to. It works both ways, surely? Especially where older children are concerned.

From my perspective my grandad on my dad's side was my step grandad as he was my nan's second husband. Yet we all just knew him as our grandad. In fact I don't think I even realised until I was older that he wasn't actually my grandad iyswim, even though I knew he wasn't actually my dad's dad.

[simonettavespucci]

I think it depends a lot on the DSC's own family. If they have their own DGPs to treat them, talk to them, invite them to family occasions, and maybe support them financially (if they want to), then it's fine to treat them differently - it all balances out.

But if they have a serious lack of family support then it seems mean, and potentially a cause of major family jealousies, to treat them differently, whatever you may feel. Generally, I think, the NC advice is when the DPs have specifically asked the DSGPs to treat the DSGC the same, for reasons like that, and the DSGPs are refusing to do so.

[Wdigin2this]

Agruffalow it is sad if the SGC don't get treated the same, but all of ours are treated in exactly the same way. I am close to DSGC, as they've know me as Grandma from birth, but with my own DGC there is an extra bond because they're my children's children....I think that's perfectly natural!

[Chewbecca]

No, not at all, but agree, it depends on the timing of introduction and living arrangements.

I doubt my parents even consider themselves to be SGP to my step kids.

My parents met my DSSs when they were early teens. There's a 15 year ish gap between them and DS who was their first GS.

We all get on well, my parents ask after my DSSs & take an interest in their lives but there is nothing like a grandparent relationship going on between them.

My DSSs has two sets of GPs, my DS has two sets, one overlaps. We're all fine with it!

[throwingpebbles]

I can understand that for all kinds of factors it might be understandable for step grandkids not to be treated the same

But I am astonished and appalled at the posters suggesting it is a negative thing when grandparents do treat step grandkids equally (all this talk of "usurping" etc). Having extra grandparents in no way diminishes the other grandparents, it's just a lovely bonus, surely?

I had bonus "grandparent" figures in my life anyway, like our lovely elderly next door neighbours. The more the merrier in my family.

[lateforeverything]

would your Aunties/Uncles / cousins for example be upset if your step children weren't at a family party held by the grandparents/great grandparents to whom they had no biological link

In my case, yes they would most definitely be upset. The same goes for our step-cousins (and cousins adopted from care) but having said that, dss lives with us 100% ft and is very much considered 'our son'. We are genuinely all a family and I have always taken that as a given, even for granted, but I've recently realised how fortunate we are tbh.

[lateforeverything]

The more the merrier in my family Snap!

[1ofthosedays]

This is a question a lot of my friends ask me about my DSD. How is your mum with her? and honestly, she almost like a GP to her.

My mum didnt have any GC when she first met my DSD at the age of 2. she isnt a SGP but she sees her every other weekend. She often buys her treats and goes with my DP to swimming lessons occasionally. When DSD starts school in September then my mum will be helping with child care as DPs mum already helps with her other GC who go to school in the opposite direction.

We all live with in 5 mins drive from each other. DSD has 2 sets of grandparents and is close to all of them. Though I often feel DSD has a better relationship with my mum then DPs mum as they bonded quickly and my mum puts a lot of effort in and shows her a lot of attention even though she now has GC of her own.

I would be fairly hurt if my mum showed little interest in my DSD and didnt treat her similarly to her bio GC as DSD is such a big part of my life.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I think it is good to try and have a relationship, but not to force one.

I took all my step kids on several trips to my parents and my family. They got treated and pampered along and my mum remembers all of their birthdays, exams, everything.

It's my step kids themselves who are just not interested. I used to feel really quite gutted that they just didn't reciprocate at all. Last year they all came on to my family and we organised everything around what they wanted - meals, days out, everything. We are a pretty easy to get along with family, but by the end I just thought, I shouldn't have bothered. One meal time none of them said one word at all.

Lesson learnt for me!

But it would have been a shame not to try - as who knows, there could be a lovely relationship? I had quite a good relationship with my own step grandmother. She was from a totally different background, very upper class, used to be incredibly rude, but yet... She lived with us and we just seemed to grow a bond. She died several years ago now, but I do miss her still.

[Findingpeace]

My Dsc live full time with us and at first I was hurt that my parents didn't view them as DSGC but then I got a grip, they live in another country, rarely see them and my DSDs were teenagers not children. They never had the opportunity to bond. My parents send them money for birthdays and Xmas but not much else.

[FaithLoveandHope]

I think my mum made her view clear with a situation with another family member. My cousin had a baby and her stepmum was calling the baby her grandchild. My mum (even though it has nothing to do with her really) said it's got nothing to do with the stepmum and baby is no relation at all personally I thought it was lovely she felt that close to her stepdaughter and therefore step grandchild. It makes me think my mum thinks my stepdaughter is nothing to do with her, she never makes any effort to see her even though she absolutely dotes on her biological grandson. Part of me hopes when we have DC together they don't make as much effort to see them so my DSD doesn't feel left out!

[Thattimeofyearagain]

Slightly different, but my dh was the step child and when we had children the step parents loved them and treated them the same as their genetic grandchildren.

[rodneydel]

Me and oh don't live together but have been together a year. Even when we live together I don't think my parents would ever view them as their grandchildren. In the year they've seen them once, but have bought gifts at Christmas. They see my dd in the week a couple of times and have her overnight, so it's obvious that their bond would be great with her.

My dd has never met my oh's mum, and as such has never had a card/gift etc. I would be upset if further down the line she never acknowledged my dd, but I wouldn't lose sleep.

I myself am a stepdaughter and my bond with my stepfather is greater than the bond in some ways with my mum!

[AgingJuvenileBinkyHuckaback]

I think age and residency are huge factors. A male friend married a lovely woman who had a very young daughter, who lived with them. The DSD was the first child of that generation so it seemed entirely natural for his parents to form a grsndparently attachment. But for an older child with EOW residency that's not going to be the same

[MeAndMy3LovelyBoys]

Faith Maybe once you do have children of your own, your Dsd will be included in with them. But at the moment maybe your mum doesn't really feel the need to make any effort with your Dsd in the way a grandparent would.

[FaithLoveandHope]

Yes maybe MeAndMy3LovelyBoys Tbh they haven't made that much effort with me and DP so I'm not wholly surprised they haven't made much effort with DSD.

[wheresthel1ght]

My parents treat my Dsc exactly the same as they treat dd. My niece is treated completely differently but my sister is the golden child so I expected my niece to be treated better.

But they always ask after my dscs, will chat about school etc, but gifts on birthdays/Christmas/when they go on holiday the same as they do my dd and niece.