advice needed regarding step sons mum

[ddeemummy]

Hello. I posted regarding a situation on the relationship boards a couple week ago. Just come across this board and has things are still no better thought maybe some other step mums on my position.

Basically my step son is 9 (in year 4). I have been with his father since before he was born (bit complicated but I wasnt the other woman). Since we had our eldest together who is almost 8 step son has stayed with us every second weekend and more in holidaya. It wasnt until I was pregnant with ds his mum agreed to let him start staying with us regually - she realised we were serious I think. Before she was always really awkward with him eg can only see son if I wasnt around things like that.

Im first to admit I dont think husband has the same bond with ss has he does with our children something that he is working on. So couple weeks ago it came to light that ss wasnt happy he would tell his mum he wasnt happy when he comes to us and then say same about his mum. Obviously he is feeling quite left out he has 3 younger half siblings in one house and then another 2 in another house.

His mum doesnt seem to be very maternal with him at all, she doesnt seem to be pleased to have him home or anything. He was saying shes shouting at everyone all time. We were discussing him coming to stay with us on a permanent basis but not sure how to approach her.

We are already having him first week of Easter holidays but im guessing if other holidays are anything to go by he will be here longer.

I just feel sometimes that she takes mick, she knows We have 2 kids with additional needs. For example during holidays he asked to cut maintenance as he was with us and we were strugglig to go places with 4 kids and yes she agreed but then did nothing but pester for this and that. School pants for example he is actually same size as my son and had a couple of spare pairs but she wasnt happy with that said they didnt fit when he tried them on here and they did. It is just silly petty things like that.

Loads more has gone on all very petty, but trying to over rose it for ss. You can tell hes not happy at all im not saying its all down to mother, i appreciate his lifestyle is chaotic compared to out own children.

Any advice?

[ddeemummy]

Thanks for replies. I have been chatting to a very helpful family support worker today who knows my family situation. Shes had some very wise and none judgemental words for me so dont think I need anymore.

For the record step son has never been left out of any family holidays or anything and we have never cancelled any contact arrangements. Im sure ss mum would be first to let us know if maintenance wasnt enough. In fact we did a calculator a few years ago and hes actually paying over. Regarding school pants I bulk buy at srart of school year I genuinely thought I was been helpful. Whats point in going asda buying new when have some brand new same sized ones?

Also to the lady questioning about my own son, he is autistic for the record and finds things hard. If he wanted to go with his dad and brother how could I explain that to him? I cant! Of course I can take him some where to distract him and his sisters but what then when ss comes home and tells him. Im not making excuses but our family unit is different to what is seemed normal in the real world.

[VimFuego101]

you cannot drop maintenance when your DSS is with you - that's really shitty. His mother would have every right to go to the CMS and have them collect it to make sure the amount stayed consistent I hope she does. I normally jump onto every step parents thread I see and try and offer support, because I know how tough it is. But the maintenance situation shows that you seem to think this kid is just an afterthought. It must be very difficult for him coming to the house, seeing that your partner lives full time with another child his age, while he only sees his dad a few days a month.

I think your partner needs to get in touch with the school and make sure they're aware that he is this child's parent (does he have PR?). Get his school reports, go to parents evenings, show up to nativity plays. Spend time with just him when he comes to visit, which you need to facilitate by ensuring your DS lets them have some alone time. Show the child that even though he doesn't live with him, he still wants to be involved and wants him to do well.

[VioletVaccine]

Just as an aside re: stopping maintenance when you have DSS.
If you and DH have a holiday together, or are unable to have DSS for whatever reason, do you increase that month's maintenance to cover her additional costs?

[lunar1]

Am I honestly reading right or have I misunderstood?

Your dh will only be able to spend 1:1 time with his eldest if your eldest son lets him?

[anklebitersmum]

Sounds to me like your DH needs to actively participate and you need to back off a bit.

If you don't want the ex to communicate with you as regards DSS then tell DH that he needs to deal with it.

As regards the school they should have been sending DH letters/e-mails directly since your DSS started there because DH asked for it. It absolutely is not up to his ex to tell him what's on and when. It's up to DH to find out for himself.

You say that DSS is telling you he's fed up at home and his Mum he's fed up with you and yet you feel that this is reason enough to try and gain full time residency? Seems a bit extreme to me-sounds a lot like he's attention seeking and probably desperately trying to please both ends of the parental spectrum by claiming to prefer here to there and visa versa. Poor boy.

I think you are absolutely right that your DH needs to spend some one on one time with his son-and often. I strongly suggest that your DS1 is told in advance that he's having a 'Mummy Day' so that DSS's quality time isn't invaded.

Over all I'd say that DH needs to talk to his ex, sort out the school, reassure his DS and that everyone needs to see the effect they're having on the child's well being.

[Fuzz01]

Even school shoes etc cost alot and they go through them at that age you need to be more fair inregards to maintence. He should never mess with maintence. Holidays or christmas is not right to mess with the set amount theres no excuse. I say it again because its really frowned upon.

Thats good hes taking him out on a one to one basis. I do think you got to let it go about the mother tho and what she does with her DS. I always feel like my ex gets the fun bits and i get to be the bad guy who disciples DS or has to coinside with out daily life not going off for trips out. Its hard being the mother who's child goes out and holds the same expections of being entertained when he comes home.

[ddeemummy]

I understand that i really do. Hes on free school meals so she doesnt have that to worry about atleast. I understand how hard it is. Money is not the issue here though its about coming to some agreement to make ss a bit happier.

Dh is taking him out saturday just 2 of them if ds1 will let him leave his side

[Fuzz01]

The maintence is relevant because you reduced it and she was struggling to buy things or pester you as you say.

[Fuzz01]

My ex pays maintence but he has some clothing at his house and still has to feed him when he has him. The point is she is the primary carer and therefore her expenses are greater and your DH has to contribute to that. You are in in the wrong in regards to maintence. The cost of school meals, school uniform, footwear etc do not change.

[ddeemummy]

Dont go through csa she set the amount and he gives it fortnightly. But we have to buy him clothing for here and the extra food. Ive had him 3 days half term, then he went home for 2 nights and we had him another 2. Having him this weekend and next weekend and first week of Easter.

Anyway post wasnt about maintenance!

[Fuzz01]

A child doesn't stop eating needing clothes, school dinner money warmth.

[Fuzz01]

Ddee you cannot reduce the payments because you choose to treat him and your other children its not acceptable and csa would not allow this in there calulation of their award of maintence. If my ex did this i would have no maintence. Trips out are extra the living costs still stand they don't alter.

[lunar1]

Maintenance is calculated over a year so an average of the contact time. It can't just be stopped if he has him more one week.

[ddeemummy]

We always pay her. But if we have him school holidays we cant afford to do both so pay less. Plus we buy him things aswell.

My husband ia not a wanker thanks very much. Wont be coming back on this post I was hoping I might get some none judgemental advice like the first post I posted on here.

Thanks to those who were respectful of the situation

[lunar1]

He doesn't pay maintenance when you have a holiday! What a wanker.

[Fuzz01]

Thats irrelevant you cannot use your other childrens needs to go out on trips to subdised the maintence. Maintence is totally seperate issue and is to cover daily living costs not for trips out when your with your DSS i'm afraid. I do think your being unreasonable here i doubt anyone would agree with you on this. Maintence should cover cost of living, clothes,food etc.

I rarely have a full conversation with my ex over what they done together. I don't think this is needed you don't have that relationship with her. She will most likely ask her DS on her own.

[ddeemummy]

I fully agree with everything you have just said. I arent putting all blame on her I am fully aware Dh is responsible aswell Just had such an hard time off her then other times shes nice as pie. For example when i had him 3 days in half term, I dropped him home took him to door she didnt even aknowledge me or ask how he had been just closed door on me. If that was me especially as she is also concerned I would of asked how he had been etc.

Regards to maintenance hes never got out of paying it on a regular basis only holidays when weve needed the extra money. We are on a budget so parks etc are a lifeline for us I have 2 children with additional needs so its often easier for me to take them paying places such as farms etc as I know they will benefit it more. If I take them when not got step son I feel guilty for leavig him out

[Fuzz01]

Regardless if they weren't in a proper relationship he still got her pregnant. Thats no excuse. Firstly i don't think your an awful SM but i disagree with is putting so much blame on the mother when your DH never forged a bond with his DS. I think all parties are most likely guilty here. I'm guessing your DSS feels he doesn't quite fit in either families if either siblings on each side are all full sibling leaving him being the odd one out.


I think the main focus should be your DH reconnecting with his DS doing an hobby or interest together just the two of them aswell as family time as a group.

Definately don't mess with maintence payments in the future just so you can afford extra days out this is unacceptable.

Maintence is to cover his living costs. We don't go out on days out due to the expense but theres plenty free places to go parks, walks, seaside. I grew up where trips out were a treat not to be expected. My ex takes DS out every week which is a personal choice but it doesnt make them a better parent. So i do think attacking her for not providing trips out is unfair.

[ddeemummy]

Yes he was single I would of walked away other wise. They were not even in a proper relationship they had dated a few months a while before didnt work out but had been odd times they had met up as friends with bebefits. When we met he wasnt even sure if he wasnt even fully convinved he was dad. Her excuse for not wanting him round and his excuse for not forming a proper bond

[VioletVaccine]

DH sorry

[VioletVaccine]

Do you mean, maybe I'm confused (not hard), that you met DP when he was single, but his ex was pregnant with his DsS?

[ddeemummy]

I know fuzz, just wish things were more civil. I dont think him living here full time would work anyway for school reasons if nothing else.

Im not the wicked step mum I think you all think I am I do care. Hes not happy hes said as much and its obvious to look at him.

The last post put things into perspective for me I have discussed all the responses with husband and hes agreed he needs to work on his bond. Hes not a bad dad He just needs to give son a bit more attention and get to know him.

[Fuzz01]

You will never be on the best terms with the mother if you insist on trying to gainfull custody. He has always been in his mothers care. So thats the only stabilitity he has ever known. Its not about how many days out and trips out. Its about being there.

[lookluv]

Sorry what you and this poor kids father did 10 yrs ago was pretty shoddy.

I would, if I was the mother feel fairly badly towards you for ever.

That the relationship has lasted 10 yrs is bloody fantastic , for everyone except his first son. In 9 yrs he has not developed a bond with his son - then he needs to pull his finger out and sort it. He is responsible for that - he has had access and wasted that time, to make that child feel special.

All the parents in this scenario, are bloody irresponsible.

No one is asking you to apologise for falling in love with a selfish dick, who has failed his son for the last 9 yrs. His relationship which only he is responsible for developing.

[ddeemummy]

Fuzz - im sorry to hear that. Part of reason im asking advice is because we want whats best for ss. We dont want him feeling any sort of rejection. I know it maybe a bit too late but we have just been plodding on with our eyes shut and wasnt until recently ss has been showing signs of been unhappy that its made us worry.

I know some might say its none of my business and leave them to it, but its me doing moat of the daytime care when hes here, me taking him out etc so I do think it involves me.

Me and the mother are never going to be best friends but I do want to be on good terms with her, just everytime we get somewhere she will do or say something else.