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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Some advise please ..... The ex texting dp

31 replies

Wibhay · 15/02/2016 21:31

So I have no children but my dp has 2 who he has fortnight contact with. Anyway his ex constantly texts him late at night usually about things which could wait until the morning like his son has a football match in 2 weeks time etc ....
Anyway yesterday was his sons birthday at late last night when we were in bed a texts comes through from the ex saying this time 10 years ago she was in labour and their son was born etc etc etc.
Am I wrong to feel this is over stepping the mark. To be honest it's all getting a bit much for me know as I feel there's 3 people in this relationship so think I'm going to call time but just wanted some outsiders input before I make my decision
Thanks in advance xx

OP posts:

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shoeaddict83 · 26/02/2016 14:11

^^ this! id go mental!!

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Bananasinpyjamas1 · 26/02/2016 13:35

My OH has never sent a text asking for the messages to stop (except for the extreme ones such as underwear pictures)

Oh my! Now that is definately crossing the boundaries! You poor thing!

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ktt512 · 24/02/2016 18:49

WhoGivesAFlying - that exact same thing happened to us 'this time X years ago we conceived dss'! I was absolutely livid as DP had just replied saying 'time flies!' like that was a perfectly normal thing for her to say to him. When I asked him about it he shrugged and said 'what am I meant to do about it?' I found it so inappropriate because she was basically just saying 'Oh hey, remember that time we had sex?'. I'm pretty sure conception is not a celebratory day 8 years down the line.

OP, have you spoken to your OH about it? My OH has never sent a text asking for the messages to stop (except for the extreme ones such as underwear pictures) because he thinks it will start an unnecessary argument, but he just flatly ignores the ones that aren't about the children and even if she texts him about something that is appropriate, if it's 10.30 at night he wouldn't reply until the next day (unless it was an emergency).

Having the ex in your life constantly is definitely hard, my OH himself admits he has no idea what its like for me and he's sure he wouldn't be able to handle it if the shoe was on the other foot. But I just ignore her messages as much as I can, take a deep breath and pick my battles carefully. I think you should say something in passing like 'I think these late night texts are getting a bit intrusive, how do you feel about maybe asking her to respect our evenings unless it's urgent?' I would never expect my OH's ex not to text him in the evenings to let him know if one of the kids is sick, or if we have contact the next day and she's forgotten to tell him something - but a football match in two weeks time doesn't need to be discussed at 10pm.

But then having said that, if I was in her position and I remembered late one night about something that was coming up in a few weeks time I'd probably just text it over while I had it in my head without thinking! It's a total minefield, and having that third wheel in the relationship that you will always have to take into account is tough. I think that to a certain extent it all depends on your OH really, how he responds to how you feel, whether he can see things from your perspective and can adapt to help you all get through it and ultimately, if you want to be with him enough to overcome it. Being with a man with kids and an ever present ex can be a very hard life if you're not 300% into it, warts and all! If you want to stay, communication about your feelings is a must or you'll end up resenting him and possibly the kids too - so after all my waffling I really do think you should just talk to your OH.

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DeniseBee · 22/02/2016 16:58

Almost certainly the Ex knows it's annoying you. When you respond, she'll have that down as a point to her. DHs either cannot or will not see this as a problem. Not sure if it is a man-thing or just a man-with-an-ex-thing.

You have to decide if you can live with it or not. Is it a deal-breaker for you re staying with your DP?

If you split, she will see that as a score to her and do it all over again with his next relationship - so it will eventually become his problem. But by then, you may be in a different (and hopefully happier relationship) so you won't care.

If you stay, you'll have to learn to rise above this. But re the 'need to keep phone on in case of emergencies' - if you have a landline, she can call that. If only mobile, then try to set up phone for night-time calls as suggested by PP.

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shoeaddict83 · 22/02/2016 15:52

My DP's ex is the same. Frequently texts and he has to respond within a minute or she gets stroppy, but other way round she'll leave it days before replying!
She once got her daughter to say in front of me 'mummy said to tell you she was listening to your wedding song last night and that you should play it for me to listen to'!!! Obviously DP told her this was inappropriate!
I did get upset at first, but few years down the line i live with it, shes got slightly better and DP just tells her when shes out of line and shuts her down. I think its just coz shes on her own and likes thinking shes causing issues with us, so i just dont let her!
Unfortunately comes with the territory of dating someone with an EXW sometimes!

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WhoGivesAFlying · 20/02/2016 11:29

My DH once got a text from ex gf saying "it was this time X amount of years ago we made DD". Ik ik ik!

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LazyDaysAndTuesdays · 16/02/2016 17:59

And she doesn't work so there is no reason as to why she has to text that late. Oh let me think .... Her new partner works evenings so that's obviously why

I wonder if she knows that her DP wouldn't be happy about it either so she does it whilst he isn't around?

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WillAndDisgrace · 16/02/2016 17:51

Tell your DP to put the night mode on. It allows you to select calls from people you want (I have only 2 on my list) and anyone else would have to call three times consecutively to get through, which they would if it was an emergency.

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swingofthings · 16/02/2016 16:37

It is nothing to do with the ex. If your partner doesn't make it clear that this behaviour is not acceptable, then she is doing nothing wrong.

So either he has told her to stop, but she is continuing, in which case, he needs to not respond and even turn his phone off, she'll get the message at some point, or if he is happy to communicate this way, you need to tell him that it makes you feel insecure. It is then up to both of you to come up with a solution, ideally the same as above.

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Bananasinpyjamas1 · 16/02/2016 13:18

Scoop I truly do comend you. I wish I were able to turn a blind eye and not let things get to me. It's interesting that it increased when you were pregnant - snap! I had that too. I silently wished she hooked up with a man with a similar Ex - see how she liked it!

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Scoopmuckdizzy · 16/02/2016 12:58

DH's ex seems to have difficulty with boundaries too and has (and still does to a certain extent) text and call at silly times and about silly things. DSC are teens so most of it could go directly to them (eg How many goals did DC score at match? Etc) however I have learned to let it go - it's my DH's way of dealing with the messages that has any meaning for me. He doesn't reply to the unnecessary stuff and waits until more appropriate times to reply to the stuff that warrants a reply.

We can't make the ex stop texting or calling and I'm sure DH's ex would have been over the moon if I'd contacted her directly to ask her to stop as she would have known that she was bothering me. Even DH didn't say anything to her about it. She goes quiet sometimes but when we announced DC3 pregnancy she seems to have ramped up the contact again. It does irritate but I have bigger things on my mind at the moment than her.

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Bananasinpyjamas1 · 16/02/2016 12:46

Oh.. and you shouldn't be texting his EX, it makes you come across as a bit childish - your 'problem' is with your DP not her.

Whilst I agree it feels fustrating and low to directly confront the Ex - but why not? She IS the one directly causing YOU a problem. And she obviously doesn't care how it affects you. She's overstepping a line. Kisses and smiley faces? Yuk!!

But DPs would probably do anything other than confront an Ex. I've said this before on this board. But it is intrusive, you are totally normal for feeling put out, someone is treading on your toes, and to just shut up and be silent takes more of a thick skin than I've ever had. Give your DP a huge kick by saying that this is a deal breaker and leave the relationship.

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Onedaymydreamwillcome · 16/02/2016 12:28

I just see it as the past is the past and if she's so sentimental about their past then she is obviously not over him. I just can't be doing with feeling like the 3rd person in the relationship. My ex doesn't text me and that's how it should be in my eyes

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Philoslothy · 16/02/2016 12:22

I think it is nice that there is some residual affection there, their ability to get along will make your life easier in the long run.

Perhaps in the early days of our relationship I may have been bothered but that would have passed

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coffeeisnectar · 16/02/2016 12:15

My dps ex has done a few things like this, once at our house and dsd was taking things out of her bag and pulled out a toy animal and I said "oh that's cute" and his ex starts on with oh do you remember when she got that, the day we all went to the safari park, it was a lovely day..blah blah. Very awkward for dp and I was just rolling my eyes skyward. There was just no need for it. Dsd wasn't even listening, it was all for my benefit.

I think in her case she likes to think he was hers first and has a claim on him but actually I was with him a long time ago and we have as much shared history. He still had photos of me and Valentine's cards in the loft.

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MeridianB · 16/02/2016 11:57

Definitely annoying. But I wouldn't get into texting the ex. Your DP needs to step up.

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Binders1 · 16/02/2016 10:58

from

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Binders1 · 16/02/2016 10:57

How long have you been together - it doesn't sound like very long? Doesn't sound too serious a relationship either if you can call time because it's all getting too much for you just because your 'dp' gets late night texts form his ex about things that can wait until the morning.

Guess you only get annoyed when the 'ping' is from the EX? If it was just a mate texting you wouldn't be bothered? If he isn't responding, don't see what the problem is. He is with you, she is with someone else with a baby and assume you know there is nothing to it - it wouldn't bother me personally.

Oh.. and you shouldn't be texting his EX, it makes you come across as a bit childish - your 'problem' is with your DP not her.

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Onedaymydreamwillcome · 16/02/2016 10:19

And she doesn't work so there is no reason as to why she has to text that late. Oh let me think .... Her new partner works evenings so that's obviously why :) I wonder how he would feel about her texting her ex late at night and sending little winks and kisses at the end of the texts

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Onedaymydreamwillcome · 16/02/2016 10:18

Hi all thanks for your replies. Dp doesn't normally reply but it's just frustrating that we will be relaxing of an evening and them DING off goes the phone. He won't turn his phone off which is fair enough in case it's an emergency but it just ruins the mood then. He said he has spoken to her in the past about it and that's why he suggested I text her as maybe she would take more notice. I'm sure that she would be pissed off if her new partner got a text off his ex saying about her giving birth to their son etc.

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3phase · 16/02/2016 09:23

I'd find that very awkward too OP. If she knows he's with someone else I do think that's overstepping What's crucial is whether or not he's texting similar back though.

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Scootering · 16/02/2016 09:16

This sounds normal to me. I send me ex texts like this and we have no affection for each other at all. I'm working or looking after the kids so I text late at night - but I don't get to bed until midnight so his idea of late night is different to mine. Even if you can't bear each other, you are the only two people in the world who love your kids unconditionally.

If you had sent me such a text I would think you were unhinged.

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whaleshark · 16/02/2016 09:14

I'd say this is only a problem if your DP is engaging with it. If he switched his phone off at night, then replied in the morning, I can't see it would cause a problem. If he is having text conversations with her late at night, I would be concerned.

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MsColouring · 16/02/2016 09:11

Sounds like my dh's ex. She gets really stroppy if dh is slow answering texts and still acts like she owns him somehow. I would stay silent as much as possible and not show it's nothing you. As long as your dp isn't doing the same thing I would try and ignore - she is the one with issues.

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HeddaGarbled · 16/02/2016 00:09

Oh dear.

Do you know what the circumstances of their break up were? Her message to him last night seems sad (and I mean poignant, not pathetic). It could just be an affectionate reminiscence of a special shared experience between people who no longer love each other but respect each other and have a shared history and child. Or it could be that she is still hurting about the break up and trying to remind him of their shared history in the hope of provoking some reciprocal feeling from him.

I completely understand how you feel about it but I think it was a huge mistake for you to wade in with your size 10 boots sending her "polite" texts. Absolutely not your place and you have probably antagonised her irredeemably.

If your partner doesn't understand why this is a problem for you and is not prepared to draw some new boundaries to keep you happy, then I think you have your answer.