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Step-parenting

Is my partner emotionally abusing my son?

127 replies

ElliesPhotography · 05/07/2015 23:22

I would like to know your opinion on my situation regarding my son and my new partner. I'm not sure what exactly is going on.

Myself, my son (9), my partner and his 2 children (7,12) have been living as a blended family for 2.5 years now. My son stays with us all the time nonstop, my partner's sons always for half of every week. My partner was really good with my son at the beginning. He was showing him affection, taking him out, entertaining him, giving him love, praising and encouraging him. Over the time my son and his smaller son started bickering, it's always a competition between them, obviously jelaousy, his small son irritates my son a lot. My partner over-protects his children, they are never wrong, they can do what they want. He always blames my son. Over the time, he slowly started to pick on my son and there is always something my son does wrong, always something to talk about with him, always blaming him for bickering with the small one (even if the small one starts half of the time, I see that). He will tell off my son for no eating the dinner quickly, that he showers for too long, uses too much of shampoo, twists on the chair, every single possible nonsense. He tells him off for apparently talking too much, being hyper etc. His children do the same things but he never tells them off, they can talk over whole dinner and that is all right. He has long talks with him - he advises him in a polite manipulative way about how he should behave, that he needs to stop being egoistic and think about pleasing his step brothers, that his behaviour is not acceptable in this family, that he has given him far too many chances and if he does not start behaving he will have to move out to his proper father etc. When he gets into this mood he hardly shows him love, purposely ignores him, hugs his children before bed but not my son, does not say hello to him, looks away. My son struggles to cope. He does not even know how to be around the step-dad anymore, his self esteem goes, he has nightmares, always on edge. He sees he treats him differently and his children differently and they get away with anything, and he knows his small son does evil things to him but that is never seen. He is doing well at school, the teacher said he is nice, polite, caring boy that helps other children.

I am in a difficult position in the middle of them. My partner always blames me that I am being overprotective and defending my son, that he only does it with the good purpose from his heart to discipline him. He never shouts, hits, harasses my son, for me it seems like really well covered verbally emotional torture.

When my partner is angry with my son, he takes it on me too. He withholds his affection for few days, keeps distant purposely, there is no love till he decides to. But he is still the same nice loving dad to his children. It is truly draining. I have a build up of emotions, frustration and anger and when I speak to him, he blames me for not being able to speak calm without emotions like an adult (I swear I always watch what tone I speak to him, never shout, always try to stay as calm as I can). He blames my son that it will be his fault if this family splits and blames me that I am destroying our relationship with my emotional "firing off".

I am absolutely confused, I don't know who is crazy here, I feel my partner can't cope this situation and blames me and my son instead of blaming himself. I I visited the psychotherapist with my son couple of times, she wanted to meet my partner and his son, but my partner refused, that it is my son who has problem, and himself does not need to see any therapist. I am thinking of leaving my partner, for the sake of my son.

What do you think about this all? anybody with same experience?

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Moodycow78 · 13/05/2022 15:28

He has long talks with him - he advises him in a polite manipulative way about how he should behave, that he needs to stop being egoistic and think about pleasing his step brothers, that his behaviour is not acceptable in this family, that he has given him far too many chances and if he does not start behaving he will have to move out to his proper father etc

Honestly I stopped reading at this point, yes your DH is emotionally abusing your DS, poor lad is being made to feel like a second class citizen in his own home and threatening to send him away is unforgivable and so damaging. I'd be ending this relationship, stand up for your son FGS, I'd never let anyone speak to my child in this way.