Anyone had to say NO to living with a DSC? Feeling terrible!

[K888]

OH and I are having 'honest chats' about whether there is any hope of a reconciliation in our relationship. (he moved out a month ago).

He said today he would only consider getting back together if his 18 yr old DD came back to live with us for the next 5 years. And never have to go to visit her mums so I would never be able to ask for some time with OH.

I understand he'd feel like that but I cannot live with her anymore.. I do feel really pretty terrible! But I just can't do it. I tried for the last 5 years and she didn't cooperate with me on most things and bossed my son so I had to constantly intervene. I think that as an adult, the possibility for more conflict, competing with me to be an equal in the house would be too much. I also said to my OH that we have had almost no time with our 2 year old son to build us up, and that I had no reserves less for drama and tension elsewhere.

Has anyone else come to a point where they've had to say 'I'm sorry, I just cannot live with your son/daughter?'.

My OH does not understand as he feels that he lives fine with my other son (12) - there is no tension there. I tried to explain why it has got to this point. He says it is because I just can't be 'relaxed about things'. He says if he doesn't do this he will regret it and resent me forever. Yet if he does, our son will also lose out on living with his father.

[K888]

Read through the posts now, I do really appreciate everyones advice.

No I wouldn't have asked her to move out if she was still living here. But I would probably have ended up leaving the house at some point myself.

Whether to parent or not? I was a teenager step daughter once myself so I just extra sensitive at first around everyone, didn't try to parent them, which was probably a mistake. In the last few years I have, but as my DSD is so resentful of anything I try to keep it minimal to household things (like please clear up your mess, cooking, washing clothes...)

Also, I have FOUR DSDs, two lived full time (oldest moved out), the other two still come every weekend). Mostly it's okay with the others, but they are part-time so it's not quite the same.

I don't blame my OH for wanting his DD to live with him or to give her support, but I can't just be invisible anymore - we all affect each other and I've reached my limit.

[K888]

theredjellybean - thanks that really helped!
A compromise at any time would have definately been helpful - 50/50 would happen anyway as even if she stayed at her mums (where she is now) she would be here every weekend like the other DSDs (3 of them).

However a main bone of contention betwen me. OH and DSD - she resented me wanting her to stick to the 'calendar'.She has never wanted anyone else telling her which house she stays in, when she goes. She sees it as her decision solely - hence why she just went to her mums after being in a huff about me. I'm not sure why her mum let her, surely it would have been better to come back and have dealt with it with me, even if she eventually decided to move out. I'm not a monster!

[K888]

CardinalRed - Jphilips19 - hoobygalooby - PeruvianFoodLover -MythicalKings - SugarOnTop thanks! Appreciated points of view.

There is a lot of pressure and manipulation as I see it in his first family. Ex Wife pressure too as I don't think she wants to deal with her DD but quite liked that DSD had gone back to her cross with me. Ex has not helped DD to respect boundaries with me - encouraged DSD to feel that she doesn't have to stay with her at scheduled 'mum weekends'.

Totally demoralising! I couldn't be the 'woman who stopped a daughter living with her father' but the alternatives affect a lot of people adversely too.