21 year old DSS's behaviour

[springtime1974]

Hi everyone. Can I have some straight forward advice please ? Situation is this . DSS has been left school for 3 years and has not had a job since - does not contribute financially to anything in the house. I pay the mortgage, all the bills including his internet . He takes my daughter(hisSS) to school 4 days a week and sometimes cooks evening meal . He has no other responsibilties in the house. Last night he had his mate round in his room until 11pm, my husband was away working until 1a.m and unknown to me DSS had his mate sleeping over . The mate has just left ... I was angry and asked DSS did his mate sleep over last night ? He said yes, and when I asked him why he did not ask my permission, or even tell me , his reply was " what about your friends, when they come over"? My friends rarely visit - maybe once a month during the day .. I am actually at home recovering from major abdominal surgery at the moment so normally working fulltime all week. He wouldnt even look at me when I was talking to him .. I was so angry . What I would like to know is what do other parents expect from their children/grown up children /step kids and anything to do with other kids/adults sleeping over ? Am I over reacting , or what ?

[Princessjonsie]

we have a boy each. Mine is 21 and DH is 22. Rules are simple in our house. They can live with us but they must be either working or in full time education. If in education they don't pay board but must do chores. If they work they pay 60 per week into the house (this changes depended on wages). For that they get bed and board, internet and food. They have to obey the rules which is no eating in the room or if they do dishes are to be brought down and in the dishwasher, room to be tidied on a Sunday, washing to be bought to kitchen on a Saturday by 11am or do it themselves, the house goes quiet when we go to sleep and they cannot have mates to stay over without permission. Finally if they go out late they come in quietly and do not disturb the household. If they do they get a fine(normally a job they hate doing). Sound harsh but works. If they don't like it or stick to the rules they are more than welcome to go and find somewhere else to live. True we now have only one at home as the other doesn't like the rules and wants to sit on Skype talking loudly till 5am. Your house set some rules

[Kkaty]

I read an article that was useful - which said if adult kids are still at home then they need to be even more courteous and respectful than a child - because after all they ARE an adult and can earn money and rent somewhere and start their adult lives. But for whatever reason, if they feel unable to do that yet then you are parents/steps are doing them a big favour by allowing them more time in your home.

That made a lot of sense to me. I too have adult DSCs and am facing similar 'I'm an adult I can do whatever I like without asking you/following any rules' and yet who is responsible for the house? Us. Who is paying the bills/repairs? Us. Until they leave they are a DEPENDENT and therefore need to respect the people in charge - parent and SP.

[Wdigin2this]

Kkaty, that is absolutely correct! When adult children still live/come back to live at home, they cease to be a son/daughter of the house, and become an adult sharing space in someone else's house, and that means being mindful and respectful of the rules/customs/requirements of the owners of that house!!! It's not cruel, it's not unkind or unfair, it's part of a parent's job to prepare their child for life in the big world, they will have to be part of! I have friends/relatives who are still accommodating children of late teens/early 20's, doing everything for them, from providing bed & board, to taxi-ing everywhere and funding everything. In every case, the 'child' takes it for granted as a God given right, and if asked for some gesture in return, looks astounded..'what me, you expect me to lift a finger' sort of attitude! These parents are doing their children absolutely no favours, it's a tough world out there, and we are bringing up a generation of lazy, entitled freeloaders....of course that's a generalisation, but from where I'm sitting, it's getting to be more and more true!!

OK, rant over....what I set out to say was, how are things now Springtime?!