21 year old DSS's behaviour

[springtime1974]

Hi everyone. Can I have some straight forward advice please ? Situation is this . DSS has been left school for 3 years and has not had a job since - does not contribute financially to anything in the house. I pay the mortgage, all the bills including his internet . He takes my daughter(hisSS) to school 4 days a week and sometimes cooks evening meal . He has no other responsibilties in the house. Last night he had his mate round in his room until 11pm, my husband was away working until 1a.m and unknown to me DSS had his mate sleeping over . The mate has just left ... I was angry and asked DSS did his mate sleep over last night ? He said yes, and when I asked him why he did not ask my permission, or even tell me , his reply was " what about your friends, when they come over"? My friends rarely visit - maybe once a month during the day .. I am actually at home recovering from major abdominal surgery at the moment so normally working fulltime all week. He wouldnt even look at me when I was talking to him .. I was so angry . What I would like to know is what do other parents expect from their children/grown up children /step kids and anything to do with other kids/adults sleeping over ? Am I over reacting , or what ?

[Wdigin2this]

Kkaty, that is absolutely correct! When adult children still live/come back to live at home, they cease to be a son/daughter of the house, and become an adult sharing space in someone else's house, and that means being mindful and respectful of the rules/customs/requirements of the owners of that house!!! It's not cruel, it's not unkind or unfair, it's part of a parent's job to prepare their child for life in the big world, they will have to be part of! I have friends/relatives who are still accommodating children of late teens/early 20's, doing everything for them, from providing bed & board, to taxi-ing everywhere and funding everything. In every case, the 'child' takes it for granted as a God given right, and if asked for some gesture in return, looks astounded..'what me, you expect me to lift a finger' sort of attitude! These parents are doing their children absolutely no favours, it's a tough world out there, and we are bringing up a generation of lazy, entitled freeloaders....of course that's a generalisation, but from where I'm sitting, it's getting to be more and more true!!

OK, rant over....what I set out to say was, how are things now Springtime?!

[Kkaty]

I read an article that was useful - which said if adult kids are still at home then they need to be even more courteous and respectful than a child - because after all they ARE an adult and can earn money and rent somewhere and start their adult lives. But for whatever reason, if they feel unable to do that yet then you are parents/steps are doing them a big favour by allowing them more time in your home.

That made a lot of sense to me. I too have adult DSCs and am facing similar 'I'm an adult I can do whatever I like without asking you/following any rules' and yet who is responsible for the house? Us. Who is paying the bills/repairs? Us. Until they leave they are a DEPENDENT and therefore need to respect the people in charge - parent and SP.

[Princessjonsie]

we have a boy each. Mine is 21 and DH is 22. Rules are simple in our house. They can live with us but they must be either working or in full time education. If in education they don't pay board but must do chores. If they work they pay 60 per week into the house (this changes depended on wages). For that they get bed and board, internet and food. They have to obey the rules which is no eating in the room or if they do dishes are to be brought down and in the dishwasher, room to be tidied on a Sunday, washing to be bought to kitchen on a Saturday by 11am or do it themselves, the house goes quiet when we go to sleep and they cannot have mates to stay over without permission. Finally if they go out late they come in quietly and do not disturb the household. If they do they get a fine(normally a job they hate doing). Sound harsh but works. If they don't like it or stick to the rules they are more than welcome to go and find somewhere else to live. True we now have only one at home as the other doesn't like the rules and wants to sit on Skype talking loudly till 5am. Your house set some rules

[firesidechat]

I'm not a step parent, so can only say how I would deal with my own children.

We were ok with our children having friends to say sometimes, but they had to ask and we would have hated it to become a regular thing. Selfishly I want to relax in my own home and that's hard to do if you have random strangers staying over. My daughter's boyfriend was the most regular visitor,especially when he was sofa surfing (he had a good reason for this) and he was always polite and considerate. I still didn't enjoy it, but it was bearable. We also requested that friends didn't stay when my husband was recovering from his regular cancer treatments.

The job situation is a total joke and I don't know how you stand it. I know this won't work with everyone, but we made our newly jobless child get out of bed, the rest of us went to church and she went around the city handing in a CV. By the time we met up at lunchtime she had had an informal interview and got a full time job. The deal was that if you want to live at home, you get a job and contribute. It is difficult now because 3 years without working and with no experience makes him very unappealing to employers, but it can't go on.

As for the music career, the boyfriend I mentioned earlier is a musician, so I can comment on that. He has been working at this for a few years since leaving uni, however he has always worked very hard at other jobs to earn money. He had to because he had no parents locally to live with and bail him out. Another difference is that he had a good chance of actually making it in a band and that has proved to be the case. His music career now pays the bills and they are doing incredibly well.

One more thing. I'm very kind to my children and find it easy to apologise when I'm in the wrong, but I wouldn't have put a sorry note under the door. It just gives him another opportunity to show his utter contempt for you. Smoothing things over is all very well, but it doesn't deal with the real issues.

I hope you can see your way through this and that your dss starts working on a better future for himself.

[springtime1974]

He had some savings but it's all gone now .. In fairness he rarely asks me for money , the odd 5 pounds , but it's rare . .. He is VERY quiet and hardly socialises at all , has 2-3 friends and that's it . Never had a girlfriend . I feel sorry for him because it's just a waste of a young life . Him and his brother have lived with me and DH full time for the past 7 years . .. He is a great big brother to our DD and she loves him.

[MeridianB]

What does he live on, Spring?

[springtime1974]

Thank you everybody . His Dad has spoken to him this morning about his friend and DSS has said he won't be staying anymore .. But there is no sense of urgency in the way he speaks to him about his lifestyle . He has spent all day in the bedroom , not coming down apart from eating . I am at the end of my tether with it all . I work my ass off all week and he appears to be happy to allow his adult son to sit in his ass for as long as he likes . It is making me so angry and resentful and that's not the woman I want to be .

[alreadytaken]

however old someone gets they are still your child when their home is being split up.

Op I'd say the same thing if this was your son, not your stepson - you are doing him no favours by allowing him to behave in this way. Show his Dad this thread and tell him it's time for him to man up.

[Wdigin2this]

Well said Melon!! I expect I'll get shot down for this but....It's all very well having dreams and aspirations of getting into the music/arts/modelling/film and TV world, but for every one who makes it big, tens of thousands don't! So, if his heart is in music, he should get out there, earn his keep with part time work, put himself right where the action is (which is not in the bedroom of your house) and try his damnedest to make it happen! People who really want something badly will do everything it takes...it's not going to coming knocking at the door!

[Melonfool]

This presumably won't be a 'child' who is staying, will it? But I expect you're right that he's been 'chucked out'.

I'd be really wary of ending up a doss house for the NEETS.

If he wants to get into music production fine, go to London and be an unpaid intern, work in a bar at night to pay for your food.

[alreadytaken]

let them stay not like

[alreadytaken]

when parents split up one of the parents takes the children so if someone has no place to go it would normally because because they have been horrible to their family. I would like them stay a few days if asked but not if I was ill.

You have been very generous in writing a card and its now time to think of your own needs. Your husband should be looking after you and telling the visitor to leave and his son that he needs to be a lot more considerate.

[Wdigin2this]

Oh for goodness sake, you had every right to be annoyed at his mate staying over without even the courtesy of telling you, let alone asking you! I don't think you needed to make any gestures...you were entitled to feel upset, and your card very obviously made no impression! If the mate is still staying at your house, your DH should step up to the plate and tell him he is moving out tomorrow...end of!! As for your SS, it's about time he faced reality, go back to education or get a wage paying job, you and your DH are doing him no favours in enabling his current freeloading lifestyle!

[springtime1974]

MeridianB thank you . He has come back now and asked me if his friend can stay again tonight ; apparently his friends parents have split up and he has no where to go :( I have said yes , it's ok .. Really don't want to cause any more problems so will keep quiet this time ! To answer your question about him starting to do work in his own , he has been trying to break into producing music for many years .. I don't really understand it all I'm afraid , but I do know that it has never resulted in him earning a living from it !

[MeridianB]

It sounds like you have been very patient and offering the olive branch was a very magnanimous thing to do.

I totally understand why you want to know if someone was staying. It's basic courtesy and you're not being unreasonable.

Is there anything he could start on a self-employed basis?

[springtime1974]

Also just to reiterate I am recovering from major surgery - have had an emergency appendicectomy and half my colon removed 2 less than 2 weeks ago .. So I'm feeling rather fragile :(

[springtime1974]

Thanks everyone ..up-date .. Came back from food shopping with my 6 year old after school , he came downstairs walked out the front door without acknowledging my card and apology :( I feel upset and I don't know what to do next .

[Tryharder]

Stepmothersknockers: you would really consider breaking up your marriage because your DSS had a friend to sleepover without your express permission??? Good God...

I feel sorry for your DSS. He is clearly struggling with life and I hope that you, OP and your DH can support him to find his way again.

You overreacted about the friend IMO - it wouldn't bother me at all - but your card was a lovely gesture.

[alreadytaken]

I wouldnt be happy if a son or stepson did this. This is not a house share it's your house and he needs to show some consideration.

Is he claiming jobseekers allowance and if not why not? He would then be receiving assistance in finding work and he could also make a financial contribution to the household.

If he's 19 get him back into education, if 21 then it's time for tough love. He needs to be volunteering if he isn't working but he should be able to find at least something.

[catsmother]

I think you were very noble to put a sorry card under his door albeit in the interests of smoothing things over seeing as you live in the same house and I just hope he has the good grace to apologise to you in return now ..... after all, he actually has something to apologise for and under the circumstances I think you getting angry with him was understandable.

FWIW if my own son wanted people to stay over that was usually fine if he asked, and if I was at least introduced to them and had found out a bit about them first. No way would I want a casual 'mate' he'd just met in the pub staying for example. I would have been just as angry as you if he'd brought back some strange bloke - or woman for that matter, but I guess if I ran into a strange man en route to the bathroom, or if my young daughter had, it would feel more of a shock and more intimidating. I wouldn't be happy wandering out half dressed if I knew someone else was in the house .... there are all sorts of considerations.

As for the rest of it, agree with previous posters. He desperately needs some useful structure to his life - preferably with an eye to getting something responsible and useful on his CV which probably would be voluntary work .... but if that's 'impossible' then at the very least he should be doing much more round the house and garden as his contribution towards running the household. If someone's not pulling their weight and doing their fair share then it's obviously very easy to feel resentful towards them if all they seem to do is take advantage.

[stepmothersknockers]

He sounds like an entitled arse. It's YOUR house. He sounds like a total slacker.

I would NOT want to live with someone like this. I would give a deadline to your husband/his son to sort this out within a month or he is moving out. Your husband can go too if he likes.

THREE YEARS with no work or employment, and with you funding his lifestyle? No thanks. He needs a kick up the arse.

[springtime1974]

Thank you 19lottie82 :) we both know he needs to get his act together and his Dad is going to start taking him to his workplace in the next few weeks to give him a reality check .. Your advice has helped me because the shouting was wrong on my part .. On a happier note , I have just put a card saying sorry to him under his door and hopefully we can move on ??

[19lottie82]

TBH I find it highly unlikely that an employer will take him on just now, given the fact he has no experience and there are loads of people competing for jobs.

He needs to look into volunteering to get some experience / skills. This can often lead to paid work. It's pretty easy to get placements too, so he won't have any excuses there.

[19lottie82]

ST74, that's understandable.

I think your DH needs to be a bit firmer with him. Tell him he needs to start doing SOMETHING or he's out. Should that be work, volunteering, or education.

He's not going to do anything unless he gets a kick up the arse and I'm sure you both know this.

In your DSS's defence, I know it can become easy to fall into a lifestyle like this, especially when you have no motivation to change. This is another reason why your DH needs to get him moving in life.

Who is funding him in terms of spends, clothes etc. just now?

[springtime1974]

Thanks 19lottie82 . He is not in education .. Has been " looking" for work evey since he left school - 3 years ago . His Dad has sat him down several times to encourage him to get part time or full time work , but all to no avail . I think it's more this issue that's grating with me and that things escalated with his mate sleeping over without telling me . I know I have over reacted big time :(