Ok, here goes... The darkest, most honest thing I can say right now is I don't know if I can do this anymore.
My DSS is 12yo. He lives with me and DH full time full stop as of about 2.5years ago. This is due to his grandparents (bio mums parents) calling SS on her and her ditching both her kids (another son from different dad) rather than have to face the problems SS brought up. These range from physical and emotional abuse, to neglect and drug use. Plus her house was an unsafe environment as there is about 3feet of rubbish piled on every single surface.
I've been with my DH for 5.5 years, and Before DSS moved in with us we had him every weekend and about 80-90% of the school holidays. Things were not perfect because his bio mums parenting often rolled over problems to our home, but we were always very positive that our love and stability were enough to combat her negativity (we didn't know about any of the more serious allegations until SS got involved, just thought it was the usual "bad" parenting that often occurs and is difficult to combat in these blended family situations)
So when SS started investigating her and she called us and asked us to take custody of DSS we jumped on board immediately. We protected DSS from the negativity by asking him if he wanted to live with us because we loved him so much and wanted to be with him full time (rather than focusing on his mum being bad/giving him up etc). He was so excited and immediately said yes, he wanted to live with us full time. We were over the moon and moved mountains to make his transition as happy and smooth as possible. We moved towns to live where his mum lives to keep him in his same school. I left a job and started working part time from home instead to be his primary care giver. (DH works a split shift so is gone strange hours and on late shift won't see DSS as he sleeps in the morning and works afternoon/night). So I took this on with an open heart and mind and determined that I would show this boy what a loving family was all about and give him the maternal stability he needed without ever infringing on his mums place (even though she and DH Split while she was pregnant and he has never known them together as a couple)
And for the first year or so it was challenging but rewarding! He started to see huge improvements at his behavior at school (he has a statement for SEN and is diagnosed with ADHD, Tourette's and is currently being tested for ASD) and we were proud that we were able to turn things around for him with all out hard work
But then he started backsliding rapidly at home and now it is like a black cloud of doom has fallen over our household. Some of it is the normal preteen angst but a lot of it is destructive and intentional and mean.
For example,
-I regularly find poop smeared on walls and towels throughout the house. He will lie and swear up and down that he didn't do it.
-he took a kitchen knife to our microwave in a tantrum and on two separate occasions took a knife and vandalized our kitchen table (and when asked why after lying about it for hours on end that he didint do it he just shrugged and said "I dunno")
-I have found scratches on my DD (1yo) face after she starts screaming when they are "playing" together and he will insist he doesn't know what happened to her. Or if he knocks her over and I see it he will cry and say he didn't do it rather than just saying it was an accident and helping her up or apologizing
-he will hide our things (keys sunglasses etc) as a "prank" and will lie for DAYS including lots of tears that he didn't do it. When he finally admits it, he will just shrug without remorse and say he "doesn't know" why he did it
-he will steal and hoard food going to the pantry to shovel loads of sweets into his mouth then lie saying he didn't eat them
-he burnt a hole in his bedroom carpet with his lamp which he says was an "accident" but he didn't show any remorse or apologize for it
-when I plan special outtings to make him feel special he will deliberately try and ruin it by only pointing out negatives rather than enjoying himself
-every word we say he immediately argues the opposite. I mean this literally. If I say, what a lovely day it's been with all that sunshine! He will insist it was cloudy in the morning, putting an immediate stop to any attempts at conversation.
-he stole a significant amount of money from me and (as usual) lied about it over and over though he was caught red handed. He never showed remorse or apologized
-we regularly find stuff he has stolen from school, other peoples homes etc hidden in his room but he will insist they were given to him
This is just the beginning. And top it up with the usual absolute lack of empathy, concern for anyone else's feelings, and complete untidiness and refusal to help the family in any chores without it being us "being horrible!" To him (which some of which I would write off as normal 12yo stuff) and I am absolutely spent emotionally.
I have accepted him as "my own" while at the same time never bad mouthing or taking the place of his mum (I specifally say things like "she is your mum! We are supposed to love our mums the most in the world, I know I sure do!") while telling him I am there for him and love him.
But she (bio mum) is on a pedastle we can't compete with now. Though she is an absolutely awful human being who lies so she won't have to see him and can go party instead, doesn't pay child support (DSS doesn't think she should have to as it isn't "fair") only sees him 4 hours a week on or visit which we had to push for as she didn't seem him at all for the first few months after he moved in with us even after we moved 4 mins down the road from her, she has told us he's "our problem" now and won't parent him in any way never mind just seeing him for a whole weekend (or day for that matter!)
But because she lets him sit in front of the tv and eat unlimited junk food and tells him how much she loves him and how she is so sad about missing him she is on tablets for it, she is the parent that loves him the most and we are evil for making him have family time that's not in front of a screen, or making him shower, brush his teeth, do homework etc. so he is acting out against us (primarily me because I am his main care giver since DH works that funny shift pattern) and has now started being really awful to me making life pure misery to the point I really struggle as every single thing throughout the day is such a battle and filled with such negativity that all of our rewards charts just don't work (he literally says it's too hard to be good so he'd rather not and that's why he doesn't try to earn his rewards!!!!) and we have a strike system of punishments but he has just gotten to the point where he says "I don't care" and won't try to avoid those either no matter HOW MANY heart to heart family talks we have had (and believe me there have been hundreds, after every incident and to just check in or talk about things). And DH and I are on the same page so that isn't the problem at all. We are both killing ourselves to try and positively parent DSS but I'm so tired of SO MUCH effort and seeing no reward whatsoever that I don't know if I can live like this anymore. I keep getting low about it then going NO!! I don't give up!!! And trying again with even more positivity and love but it gets shut down so fast as he doesn't respond to anything but anger and yelling (that's how his mum "parented") and now I'm worried it is affecting me as a human being and my depression levels are mounting and I'm also worried about all the affects this might have on my DD
SO WHAT DO I DO?! I love my husband dearly and have it in me 100% to love and care a stepchild but my particular DSS is making it SO DAMN difficult to keep going sometimes I just think "I don't want to be this miserable for the rest of my life" and seriously consider Getting out.
But then it's just me giving up on him, and my daughter living without her father and me living without my husband who I want to grow old with and I feel like that "solution " doesn't offer happiness either when it is breaking up my family. I'm so sad, exhausted and conflicted I don't know what else to do......
Sorry this is ridiculously long. Thank you for reading if you got this far xx
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Close to breaking point, is it fixable?
24 replies
MissyMoo55 · 20/11/2014 14:02
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