Do I ??

[Tappergirl]

Give up my husband who I really do love to bits, or give up our life together because he chooses his teens over me??

[purpleroses]

How's their mum's health now, OP? Is there any possibility of them returning to live with her (the younger one at least) at some point? Does he prefer living with you? Is he at a time in his education when it might be possible to move back? Or now that it's about to become only one DC that's still needing a full time home, is there anyone else that might provide a home for him, near his mum - eg a school friend or someone? It's not unheard of for sixth form aged kids to stay with a different family if it's hard for them to stay at home.

[purpleroses]

Sorry - cross posts there. Sounds like back to mum isn't much of an option.

[MarmiteMania]

I think you have no choice but to tell him you are ready to leave. Remind him of the relationship you once had, and tell him the only way forward is counselling or calling it quits. For what it's worth, even if you had your own children that would not have changed the situation.

i know this as I was in a similar situation with two ss's same age as yours living with us 24/7 who would not acknowledge me. Although they aren't here full time now so it's not in my face, I am massively resentful of all the bowing, scraping and pandering so as not to upset THEM. so I know exactly how you feel. Tell him his children will always be his children but will soon be off, whereas you will always be there.

[Tappergirl]

Purple I can not resist replying!

No possibility of them returning whatsoever. She has sold the ex marital home and now lives in a very small house, has no income and, to be honest, does not want her kids living with her.

Education for both of them has been miles away up to this point. SS went to the same school, localish to Mum, when he moved in with us, to finish his GCSEs. Now he is going to be starting at a school 5 minutes walk from us.

So the tables have turned in that respect. Whereas they did have horrendous journeys for a year and a half, SS will have it far easier, and SD is off to Uni, but not living at home.

[brdgrl]

Maybe you need to set a time table with your DH?
Along the lines of "here is my bottom line" - and the change you need (maybe not even the changes you WANT to see at his point, but the ones you NEED) - and the amount of time you are willing to allow for this to happen? But you'd have to be absolutely willing to stick to it.


Regarding the kids' behaviour...I could be wrong, but I think ...SD is away soon, so forget about changing her behaviour now and focus on what will be expected of her when she comes back on breaks. Very specific stuff - will she do her own laundry? Will she be expected to let you guys know when she's coming and going? Will she have set jobs when she's at your's, or be treated as a privileged guest? What about space? I seem to remember that you had to give up a room of your own when they moved in (or maybe I made that up!) - will you be getting space back when SD goes to uni?

Do you and DH have time together? Do you go out? Does he do anything to make you feel pampered, or to 'compensate' for the extra work you have taken on?

[Alita7]

I don't think it's that he should put you first. He should always put them first in terms of health and well being.
But when they're being out of order or their behaviour is awful towards you, he should make steps to change that. Them coming first does not mean failing to discipline them, or call them up on how they are treating you no matter how old they are. Part of putting them first involves bringing them up to respect the adults in their life that deserve it (and I'm assuming you do) and also (thinking of your other threads) actively encouraging them to do well in life and not just slob around your home.

[Elizabeth120914]

Probably a totally irrelevant rambling but why do children have to be first or step mum second? I know we have a thankless task but to think that ul never be a top priority in ur OHs life makes the whole thing pretty bloody pointless to me..?

Just like OP in our house it I didn't cook, clean, shop, organise listen to the bad day at school or favourite band there wouldn't be much of a family here at all! OH might have created dsd ( obviously artificially ex is gross!) but we both have done a lot as OP has over ten years and his home/ lifestyle etc are atleast 50/50 down to me!

OP has created a home that these boys want to stay in. What would happen if she wasn't contrantly picking up the pieces?

My OH is useless on his own with dsd and the house although would never admit it. He gets unpleasant sometimes when she's here because it's a big fat disappointment too him how their relationship is, her behaviour and how her upbringing has been. This makes him very defensive. Are you sure your not experiencing the same on a daily level?

Again maybe a bit simplistic but my OH will snap at whatever's obviously causing the conflict ie me kicking off before dsd/ MIL or anyone else whose caused my reaction?

I'm not saying its easy at all and I would hate to be in your shoes but I have decided in our house we are coming to the end of this crap and it's worth digging in. It sounds like you have had an amazing relationship in the past and maybe if the above is true your OH just doesn't know what to do either?

Could u have a couple of days away or even a night away? We have had a week off and the perspective is amazing! If one is off to uni I'm sure the other will be a bit easier to deal with than the two?

What about camp America or something like that? Could you sign him up for something to get him gone for a few weeks that he would enjoy even if it cost some money just to give you a much needed break? Something that might make him grow up a bit?

Sorry if it all sounds like junk but I'm seeing my situation very differently after being at braking point for a long time and I've detached the relationships between all of us and the one between me and OH and am feeling much better. Even if u send them for a pizza and cinema create some alone time it's worked wonders here. It's not rewarding bad behaviour it's rewarding u!

What about the inlaws? Can they help? I had a word with MIL and she took dsd last weekend and it really helped she had no clue how serious things were in the house and I felt better for telling someone..

Really hope you can find a way through it's a horrible lonely place sometimes.. Try just for a few days to not comment or react let them be the ones causing the obviousl agro it certainly works in our house the focus shifted from me going mad to the other people causing the drama..

If all else fails why not have a day/ day and night away yourself there's tonnes of cheap deals just give yourself a break. Hope u can sort things OP and of course you are very important to your OH ignore the above nothing's ever that simple :)

[Letitgoletitgo]

If sd is off to live at uni soon, perhaps the dynamic will change when you only have ss with you? I agree with other listers, he should be looking to get a pt job etc, but tbh, 16 year old boys are exactly as you've described ss! I remember my brothers basically hiding in their rooms playing computer games. My dm still did all the washing and cooking etc..... Sorry, just trying to show that he is not an unusual creature!

Perhaps you need to see how things go after the summer with ss at new college etc? He will develop his own social life at this age, want to be going out, and will need to get a job to fund it! Hopefully this would give you and DP more space together to sort things?

[Tappergirl]

Lots of questions, some of which are not relevant or important. It is the husband I have the issues with. The kids do their own washing, and do not get ferried around like you think. My husband has a big guilt complex about what his kids have gone through throughout their lives, and he chooses to take it out on me. He refuses to understand that I am at my wits end with his own guilt complex, and instead makes it my fault.

We have just had another big row, and it's my fault again. I told him he is a bully, which is what his ex called him. Taken me 10 years to realise i

[Tappergirl]

Lots of questions, some of which are not relevant or important. It is the husband I have the issues with. The kids do their own washing, and do not get ferried around like you think. My husband has a big guilt complex about what his kids have gone through throughout their lives, and he chooses to take it out on me. He refuses to understand that I am at my wits end with his own guilt complex, and instead makes it my fault.

We have just had another big row, and it's my fault again. I told him he is a bully, which is what his ex called him. Taken me 10 years to realise it!

I am sick of being the punch bag, and now see his true colours. He says I always talk over him, but the truth I couldn't get a word in edge ways. Now I actually don't like him as a person, because he will not listen to me and becomes verbally violent. Me living on egg shells isn't going to work anymore. He can have his cosy little family who will all depart soon, and then be left on his own.

Family help is a problem, cos they live too far away and I don't think they would be much help anyway - turn a blind eye so to speak.

[wheresthelight]

Hi Tapper, have read a few of your threads and the advice you have been given here is great.

I am sorry that 'd'h is still being a knobjockey, do you have somewhere that you can bugger off to for a few days respite from him while you decide what your next move is?

Your H is obviously feeling very guilty and seems to be taking that out on you. Is this aggressive behaviour a new thing or has it always been like this - even pre dsc's living with you?

Hope you are ok xx

[Tappergirl]

Thanks where, i might be going to bed soon, knacked! X

[Elizabeth120914]

That's exactly what mines like but only when the dsd is here he transports in to a mean, snappy person with no patience and it's me who cops for it.

The worst and only real rows we have ever had when she is here and it's like he has to make a point of pulling me up on something because she is! He will completely over react and once actually reduced me to tears having a go at me about my driving over absolutely nothing when I was picking dsd up ..

His relationship with her is poor and she doesn't apreciate him doing it either. I totally feel your pain if it was like it full time I wouldn't give it a week..

Sounds like the issue is definitely him but didn't make it any less sad. What an absolute idiot as u say when he's sat there on his own and they aren't interested maybe he will see it for what it is.. Bit late then tho.

Why are men sooooo bloody stupid?

[lunar1]

Tapergirl, I have read lots if your threads and am so sorry he is still treating you so badly.

If I'm honest I think he is right to feel guilty, he only seems to have stepped up when there was absolutely no choice and is now using you to take everything out on. The problems your step children have are a result of years of having 2 poor parents.

None of this is your fault, he is a bully. I really hope you find a way through this. You have one life and you don't need to waste it being punished for someone else's mistakes.

[Tappergirl]

wheresthelight, he hasnt always been aggressive, but then again, maybe I have overlooked the tendancies because he had always seemed a passive "creature". He has changed big time since we have homed the kids, and I see him in a new light.

We had an argument at 7.15am this morning, so it from sleeping to waking up, non stop. I am going mad. But apparently it is always my fault. I told him I feel like jumping off a cliff because my life feels so worthless. He doesnt care, just told me to do it then.

[wheresthelight]

It's emotional abuse. He needs it laying on the line. It is not your fault!!!!!

Please leave even if just for a few days

[Tappergirl]

Where, I have nowhere to go unfortunately. Workplace is currently my only haven. I hate going home in the evening. On top of this problem, one of our dogs has badly hurt her leg, and not allowed on walks or anything, and she is so stressed. It pains me because she is like a little baby to me and I would love to take her out for a long walk and just "chat" to her.

I really am going mad!

[VerityWaves]

God just leave. Now! I speak from bitter personal experience. I'm not just saying it for effect, please remove yourself ASAP.
You will feel restored as a human being.

[wheresthelight]

Do you not have a friend you could stay with? Speak to woman's aid as he is abusive and you need to get out

[Tappergirl]

How do you class abusive? He is not physically abusive, he just pulls me down mentally. I think he has issues of his own with regards to taking on the children (young adults) and can not cope with all of the emotional changes. I am not supporting him by the way, I am just trying to think rationally here.

[wheresthelight]

It's called emotional abuse and is often worse for the victims as it cannot be seen. No bruises or broken bones to prove it. But the very fact that you have told him you are virtually suicidal and he has continued to destroy your confidence and treated you like scum means it's abuse.

Please read your posts as if it was your sister or best friend saying these things. What would you think then??

[Tappergirl]

brdgrl just re-read one of your previous posts asking about counselling. I had some personal counselling about 1 year ago which fizzled out due to me thinking we needed joint counselling, and then we had a couple of joint sessions around Xmas time. Unfortunately we did not continue with the joint counselling due to 2 major pain points: 1) it was mega expensive 2) I didn't actually feel we were getting very far, as I felt DH pinned too much of our experiences on making me feel bad about his kids. The counsellor was trying to sort our relationship out, rather than look at the change in circumstance with taking the kids on board as the crux of the matter. Our relationship was fine up to the point when we did home them! I saw no point in continuing at £200 per session, to hear something I knew already!