Shared Residency - Changing School Issue

[2plus4nospaceformore]

Need some advice please regarding school applications and changing schools. It's a little confusing but I will try and keep it concise and hope you can follow it through... This is on behalf of my DH/DSD.

DSD goes to school in Town A. This is where the old family home is. Her school application was made by her Mother, who stayed in the old family home after they separated. Town A is very small, 1 Infant School which DSD attends, 1 Junior school 1 Secondary school.

My DH and I and the children live in Town B, which is nearby Town A - about a 5 min drive, but not walkable.

EX has said she is moving to Town C which is about a 20 min drive from the school in Town A and a 25 min drive from us.

We have DSD half the time, half of school days and half of weekends and holidays averaged out over the year.

We have to apply for DSD's Junior School place in a few months. Ex wants her to go to the Junior School in Town A and DH would like her to go to the Junior school which is literally right next to our house in Town B.

Both schools are lovely. The one near us has a better Ofsted report and is very sought after, it also has better facilities (a pool etc) and performs better against national averages in English, Maths and SATS but I won't lie, they are both very good schools generally. The primary in Town C is dire and both DH and EX agree it's not an option.

Ex's argument is that almost all of the kids at DSD's Infant school will go to the Junior school (literally next door to her current school but a totally separate school) this is because there is only 1 in the village.

DH's argument is that it will benefit DSD to have one of her two homes right by her school rather than neither and to be able to walk to school 50% of the time rather than having to drive every day. Ex will have to drive regardless of which school she goes to and as I don't drive sometimes when DH is working I have to get a taxi which is a pain (but of course we appreciate that is not Ex's problem as such and a small consideration in comparison).

Also, because EX is moving to Town C there is zero chance of DSD getting into Town A's secondary school from either of our addresses and there isn't a decent one where EX is moving to so DSD will be going to the secondary school near our house when the time comes- all the kids from our local Junior school go to our local Secondary school. Basically she either leaves her friends at the end of infants or at the end of Juniors. She knows lots of kids at our local school already anyway as we go to church and she does Rainbows, dance class etc at the school itself.

The other issue is that DSS is one year below DSD. DH thinks he should stay at the infants for the extra year until it is time for him to move to the Juniors and then join his sister at the Juniors near us. This means 1 school year of having to drop to two schools but they start and finish 15 mins apart and EX will be driving anyway so will only be an extra 5 min drive.

Sorry it's complicated - what do you all think? Honest opinions appreciated. I do of course (true step mum style) keep out of it all in real life!

Anyone know what happens if they can't decide/agree? Is it just down to which parent makes the application to which school? Should DH make an application for a Specific Issue Order or should he wait and see if EX does?

THANKYOU!

[2plus4nospaceformore]

We wouldn't ask her to choose- she's only 7! She wouldn't have the ability to make an informed decision, although I do think children should be allowed a say regarding secondary schools, no Junior schools though.

Fedup- No particular reason that either of the DSC are better off at the school next to their current one. It's easier for EX of course but the two drop offs are only for one school year and are only 5 mins drive extra on her 20 min drive so not exactly a massive issue.

DH (and I) see the benefit to a child of living close by tot we primary school, seeing children outside of school, having local friends, walking to school in the mornings etc by EX doesn't see that it makes a difference and sees no issue with them having to drive to school every day regardless of who they are with. Having myself had a child a school that's not walking distance I know it isn't the easiest thing in the world. We have this lovely Junior school here next to our house and now EX is moving further away it just seems like the sensible option, plus the kids there will go on to the secondary school that DSC will attend, as an added bonus!

[purpleroses]

Is it worth asking his ex whether there are any logistical problems with school B that you've not thought of? Anything you could help with? What if you offered to give her a small amount of money annually to cover the extra petrol?

From what you say it would be marginally on DSD's interests to move to school B (better facilities, walk to school, make local friends, change friends now rather than at 11) But from the ex's point of view it is a longer drive, and she may also feel that she'd be seeing up both DCs to have their lives based around your house rather than one that's in between (even if it is nearer yours) So anything you can think of as a bargaining tool might help.

Where I live if they get two applications for the same child they ask parents to prove who gets CB and that one takes precedence. But if you both agree where to apply to and it's a 50-50 care then they will consider your application based on whichever home is nearer the school you're applying for. So it would be his ex who would have to initiate court if they can't agree.

[BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure]

It's not illogical of ex to want to keep the kids at the same place through the transition from infant to junior, as that is the norm. Round here we have a couple of school that, although technically infant/junior, are really more like primaries as everyone moves up. So though she is generally not helpful, she has a genuine case here to consider.

[2plus4nospaceformore]

Thanks Billnted- yes you are right!

Purple- She won't even discuss it. DH doesn't want to offer we more money- he already gives her plenty of money each month to help her with the children and we don't want to get into a situation whereby she thinks if shouting at him won't get her way then she can ask for money if that makes sense! :(

It's strange that yes, the majority of the infants do move to the juniors next door but the Infants have just linked with a Juniors own of town as a new academy, but with no feeder link- they kept the feeder link to the school next door.

EX just keeps saying it will "distress" him to leave his friends. But she wont accept/acknowledge that he will has to leave all his friends in year 6 anyway as 98% of all the juniors go to the village Secondary and neither house is anywhere want close enough to get in! I think you are right in that she feels they are moving closer to us and their lives being more at our house than hers. I understand that but ultimately it's her that's moving, and DH just wants what's best for DSD.

Anyone schooly have any links or references regarding moving schools? Or perhaps about the benefits of living local to school? So that's DH can give her some independent info rather than trying to convince her himself.

[2plus4nospaceformore]

Sorry typos make it hard to read!

[2plus4nospaceformore]

Just spoke to DH he asked me to see if any of you know if the fact that level of achievement at the school near us is much better will help his case at Court. DSD struggle in English and currently has extra lessons in writing and reading. The junior school her mum wants only had 68% of children achieving national standards in English last year,
Compared to the one by our house 93%! All the other comparables are higher too- Maths, Reading, Writing. Or are we clutching at straws? :)

[BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure]

Again, I can see the argument that changing school at 11 may be less traumatic. Plus she or you may have moved by then too.

[BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure]

It sounds like she's thinking about the emotional side more, though.

When you say "help your case", do you mean with her or in court?

[2plus4nospaceformore]

Thanks Billnted is helpful to hear some outside views.

[fedupbutfine]

I would doubt that a court will take huge amounts of notice of the 'this school has better than that school's results' because the 'right' or 'best' school for an individual child isn't necessarily the school that has the best results. It would be a positive factor but if that's all you can come up, I can't see it being enough.

[purpleroses]

Are you certain they wouldn't get into School A secondary at 11? Many schools aren't over-subscribed, in which case anyone can go there. And they'd quite likely get some priority for being at a feeder junior school.

His ex may be hoping to get a council swap back to near to School A - or move someotherhow, so would presumably argue that it's best for now to leave the children at the school they're settled at, and on to the junior school with their friends, and who knows what the situation might be in 4 years time. The secondary school that's near her new house could even have got better by then, she might have moved, you might have moved, the DCs will be older and possibly more confident in making new friends, etc, etc. I don't know exactly what happens where you live, but in general there is a lot more movement between schools in all directions at 11 than there is in the infant to junior transition.

[2plus4nospaceformore]

Thanks Fedup. It feels like DH will have to prove that the school near us is better for DSD rather than EX having to prove the other school is better. This won't be a "change" of school as she has to move schools the decision is which one. I just guess the Court will see the one in the same town as the default as therefore better choice unless DH can prove it's best otherwise.

[2plus4nospaceformore]

I see your point purple. Not quit like that here, kids from town A primary go to Town A secondary. Kids from Town B primary go to Town B secondary. DSD definitely won't get into the Secondary all her current school friends will likely go to from either our address or her mums. Yes I suppose she may move back although it's very unlikely due to the almost non existent council properties in town A (hence why she's accepted a property in Town C instead). Things could change but it's unlikely and I think DH and I just think we need to plan now for the situation now and what is likely to be in a few years time rather than what may be.

[BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure]

I think the court will put more emphasis on day to day impact (travelling arrangements, contact with half siblings etc) than results, as these can change.

[2plus4nospaceformore]

Ok Billnted well there's no half siblings at their mums but they do have two here. Well one half and one step. I'm not sure that what Junior school DSD goes to will affect her relationship with her siblings in anyway though- negative or positive.

DSD's dancing and swimming lessons take place at the school near us and her Rainbows is at the church next to it (which we all attend regularly )so her extra curricular activities all involve that school and her friends from those go to that school.

[fedupbutfine]

I think a judge would have a hard decision with this - it's by no means clear cut. There are clear pros and cons on both sides. Mediation is going to be essential - if she won't mediate, she won't be helping her case.

[purpleroses]

I think it does look like it would be hard for a judge to decide. The practical challenges of getting DC to different schools (assuming your own DC are at the school near you) might play a part though.

[2plus4nospaceformore]

My DC is older so at secondary. Our youngest is starting reception next year. So if DSD and DSS go to the Juniors in Town A we will have two schools to drop to for the next four years. It's not really a problem as I have people who can take our little one for me or me and DH can do one school run each. The school near us starts 15 mins effort the school in TownA so easy enough to dive between them both as well.

DH doesn't plan to mention that though as it's not really anything to do with DSC or EX and it's likely to get her back up as (quite rightly I guess ) she doesn't care what plans we have for our little one. Not sure if it should be mentioned at Court (if it gets that far).

[Happybeard]

I think it would be harder to leave friends now than at secondary because generally at secondary they all scatter anyway. Also, that's four years away, they could move again before then.
But I definitely see the benefit in having friends nearby... Although you said they have that anyway through church etc.

As a wicked old step mother I hate to say it, but I think mum might be right here
I wonder if she's feeling worried

[Happybeard]

Didn't finish that!! Sorry..

Wonder if she's worried that with 50/50, plus school, plus church and clubs etc. that dd may grow apart from her.

I'm very normal and not at all clingy to dd. We have 50/50 with no CM and I'm totally happy with that. But ex had been mooting the suggestion that dd changes her official residence to him so that she can go to the secondary by him as it's better and I can't explain it but it's giving me the heebiejeebies

[Alita7]

Fed up why is it not ok to ask her what she wants? I'm not saying she should make the decision or have any pressure or know that either parent has a preference.

I would certainly be asking the child if she would prefer to stay at a school with the same people or if she'd prefer a new start with some of her friends from out of school. It makes a big difference if she's going to become distressed and scared about moving somewhere without the other children to if she either doesn't mind either option or is excited about the possibility of a new school.
To be it would be the deciding factor, if she didn't want to move to the other town then I wouldn't make her and then her mums choice would be the right one in my eyes.

[BigPigLittlePig]

Alita, for reasons similar to this...

My dsd is 6, and her mum decided she wanted to change schools. conversation went like this.

"Dsd do you want to change school? "
"Noooooo noooo I love my school"
"But the new one has a climbing frame in the playground"
"Yaaaay I love the new school"

They are just too young still to fully understand, even with the best will in the world.

[Alita7]

It does depend on the child.

Some children would be scared about it for genuine reasons, others would be excited for genuine reasons.

My dsd is 10 but due to learning disabilities her mental age is between 5 and 7. She is moving to a sen school and we were worried she'd be scared but her face lit up immediately at the mention of moving to another school and her opinion hasn't changed even though she knows she will have to say goodbye to her friends.

I don't think it harms to know if your child does have an opinion, If it's as changeable as you say then you obviously wouldn't put much weight on It but if no matter how many climbing frames or fun things you told her about she still said no she really doesn't want to move then I think you can tell it's a bad idea if it's not necessary.

[doziedoozie]

Living near secondary school is handy - it's easy for them to do after school activities, walk to school with their friends, much better than relying on parents. (unless there is a school bus and she would meet pals at the bus stop). And you get to meet their friends regularly, lots of pluses imo.

Also, would not let a child decide on their school because they will always want what they know, not the scary unknown. It should be parents who decide.

[purpleroses]

I moved my DD to a new school part way through Y3. And I did consult her and take her (positive) views into account in making the decision.

But I was making that decision on my own really (ex didn't mind which she went to) I think I'd be much more wary of getting a DC involved in the decision in a situation where she's probably aware that her parents disagree.