Help for new 'step mum'?

[Seashell78]

I would love advice/encouragement/coping strategies on this situation.

My partner and I have been together 18 months and have recently moved in with each other. When we started dating he told me upfront about shortly becoming a Dad - he'd had a two night stand 9 months before we met which resulted in an unplanned pregnancy. The girl wanted to have the baby, despite my partner making it very clear there was no future for the two of them and he would rather not have the baby. During the pregnancy the girl returned to her native country for more help and to have the baby.
My partner went to visit them after the birth and every couple of months, but has felt deeply depressed throughout about the whole experience, trying to force a bond but not feeling it, not getting on with the girl etc etc
At the time, I felt quite distanced, maybe tried to brush it under the carpet a bit, it was all happening in a different country. I just tried to be supportive although did have some serious misgivings about the whole affair, spent a lot of time agonising about how I could be with someone so irresponsible about contraception, I also had difficulties not digging at him all the time - you play you pay etc.. but I have managed to move on from all this and accept that mistakes happen and now it is about the child and doing what's best for them.

Fast forward to the last few months. The girl and baby have moved back to the UK, my partner visits once every 7-14 days. I have no problems with him visiting his child and am happy for him to do this as much as he wishes. However, I am struggling with so many other issues and am turning into bit of a nightmare. Suddenly I feel so resentful of their existence. I am/was very keen to have a family myself, but feel that this girl and her baby have 'stolen my thunder'. I really despise myself for having these selfish thoughts but this is how it is. I resent the money that is shipped their way, the time spent with them, the way we now have to take them into account all the time. I find it upsetting that the girl and baby spend time with my partners family, doing grandparent stuff etc. I find it really painful to go shopping for things for the baby that he's had with this other girl and not me. It upsets me when we go out and his mates are asking me how the baby is. All these negative thoughts are very preoccupying. My partner and I have spoken at length about this all. He is very understanding but we keep going round in circles without me feeling any better. He himself has still not accepted the situation completely. We are both 'down' a lot.
I have had 4 sessions of private counselling, wanting to try and become a more accepting and gracious 'step mum', however I got very wound up by them and decided to stop.
I haven't met the baby yet and am building up to this. I wonder how it will be, how I am supposed to act, how I will be judged. I really want to avoid meeting the baby's mother as I feel very negative towards her.

I would be grateful to hear if anyone can relate to this story. I do understand that the child's wellbeing comes first, and I should not come between them and their father. I would like to try and stop being a dragon and work this out rather than leave the relationship, my partner is definitely a keeper. Thanks for reading this far!

[doziedoozie]

DP sounds a bit immature. Can you wait for him to grow up?

I don't think you feel you can trust him to grow into a fair minded person - he seems to be considering himself, the mother, his DD but not you. Will he in the future?

[Tiggywinklespinny]

If you do start your own family while it it won't be his first child there will be firsts, because he will get to experience your entire pregnancy and all that goes with it.

You have to somehow come to terms with your situation and both be on the same page with good open communication. I haven't found it easy but over the years we are finally pretty united.

Last month dh told dsd (after I had asked to her hang up her towel that she'd left on the bedroom floor and I got told no) that I was his wife this was also my home and I was to be given some respect. I was floored by his support, so all the hard work is starting to pay off.

[HenryTheGreatRedHoover]

It sounds like DP and the babies mum are both happy for you to become involved, so in your situation I would meet the baby, give it some time and decide if you can cope with this situation sooner rather than later.

I am a stepmum to a 5 year old, and I personally found it much easier when she was a toddler, but as we now have a bond it is manageable.
I think if I was meeting her at this age for the first time it would be much tougher to adjust to, and I wouldn't be as tolerant when she is misbehaving and being stroppy.

Also from the childs point of view, it will probably be easier for him if you have been there as long as he can remember rather than appearing down the line.

[Jeordie]

Sorry I've just had another read and it seems Mum is happy for your partner to have his daughter and that it's he who doesn't really want her without mum there.

The problem there lies with your partner. Yes, he's nervous about having her alone, but as I said previously, everyone has to start somewhere. He could even take her for a walk to a local shop and back if he's that worried about how he'll cope. Personally, it comes across like he is dependant on mum because he is so apprehensive. This isn't fair on you. How long does he expect mum to be around? How is he ever going to feel confident enough to have her alone if he isn't willing to take gradual steps to make it happen. The longer this goes on, the harder it's going to get for all involved.

[Jeordie]

His response to you is a bit harsh. Is he walking on eggshells with baby's mum or is he genuinely happy for it to continue the way it is? I mean things have got to change eventually, even at a slow pace. So he doesn't feel ready to take baby on his own yet, when exactly will he? Understandably he's nervous about having her on his own but we've all had to start somewhere. Otherwise how does he expect to learn to deal with her and move forward?

If he's that apprehensive he could start gradually. Take her on his own for half an hour to start with, slowly building up to a longer time frame. He can't expect to only see her in mum's presence or this is going to go nowhere I'm afraid. She could use a point of only wanting him alone with her for a good few times so that he gets used to being alone with her before your introduced. Without him taking initial steps to gradually pull away from his daughter's mum and gradually have her alone, I fear it could be years down the line before your introduced, if at all.

[BertieBotts]

I think it's a bit harsh for him to say he doesn't feel the need to. I would argue that there IS a need to, because there's a need to move the relationship, at some point, to a level where it's not dependent on his ex.

It's not really reasonable to expect you to go on visits there. Why would it be? There is no need for you to be involved with her. If he had a relationship just with his daughter then you wouldn't meet the mum. She's old enough to come on visits with just him. Why is he being weird about this?

Of course it's likely that at some point over your DSD's life you will probably meet and come into contact with her mother but there's no reason for you to go and sit in her house, that would just be awkward for everyone.

Is he living in a dream world? Does he expect to be cosily visiting her mum when she's 10 years old and you have your own DC together? I mean, not being funny, but does he really expect his ex to be happy about having him around in the house once her DD is well old enough to go off out with him? If not now (when she's just getting old enough and familiar enough to want to go out) then when does he expect it to change?

[purpleroses]

Could you suggest a compromise? You go with him to toddler's house. Say polite hello to the mum. Take toddler to the park or even just out into the garden for half an hour or so. Or the mum agrees to busy herself in another room for a bit.

I think I'd be inclined to compromise on meeting the child at the mum's house on condition that your DP agrees to look to take more responsibility over the next few months and to move to caring for the child himself.

I do think he's being a bit of a wuss saying he can't cope with an hour or so on his own with the child especially if the mother is up for that. How does he think women manage when they arrive home from hospital with a new born baby and no more experience at looking after children than your DP has right now?

If his child's mother is keen for him to take the child off her hands for a bit and he's refusing then he's not really up to being a parent right now :(

[Lanabelle]

Maybe now that you have some physical space between you and the situation it might be worth thinking about what the situation means on a wider scale and if it is a deal breaker for you, for example you can still love someone but the situation could be a deal breaker. I was ready to walk away from a similar situation to you but had the best ending (not the biological father woo hoo) also think what it would mean if you do accept it and move forward with it and what it would mean for ay children you have together ie father having to spend time away from them with other child, will ex let child be part of your childrens life? will they grow up with a sibling they have never met? etc a lot to think about but I think you would feel much more secure in your decision if you took a time out and thought the whole thing through.

[alita7]

Maybe he's nervous to be soley responsible for her which I understand if he's never done it.

I would think about if you'd like to be part of the child's life. Maybe suggest trying to take her out for lunch together or something? If you'd be up for that.

[Anormalfamily]

Seashell, what a horrible situation for you to be in.
Sounds to me like your partner is trying to pressure you into taking on a parental role, I.e. You will be the one looking after the little girl, not him. As it is, the mum does all,the work and he's there "visiting", like a friend of the family or an uncle. And can also enjoy the mum perhaps fawning over him a little, trying to entice him back? I don't think he plans to take on an active role in his child's life, but would be quite happy to take her out if you were there to feed, wipe, change nappy, whatever...
You sound lovely, he does not, please reconsider what you're doing here. You probably have loads of chances with other guys. Don't sell yourself short here, you'll regret it.

[Seashell78]

So today my partner is visiting baby (with ex). I'm away in another part of the country dealing with other family issues.

In light of what I've been brooding over following posting on this forum, I messaged my partner this morning - saying how much I would value it if spending time with the baby didn't involve hanging out with the ex. I am struggling to move forward/be happy with current arrangement.

Response I got was a bit of a downer: partner doesn't feel he's in a position to take baby somewhere by himself and doesn't feel the need to. He's not unhappy with current situation. Says if I want it to change then the change has to come from me, until I come along on visits and take baby away with him then current situation won't change. If I'm not up for that then please stop creating fuss.

I know he has a point, but am feeling upset that suddenly the onus for moving our relationship forward with baby is now all on me.
If I chose not to go along to these visits, then nothing will change, he'll keep on popping over to ex every week/fortnight and that will be that.

Sorry if this all seems very trivial - no need to comment, I just am finding it helpful to write it down.

[doziedoozie]

Yes, my partners mates and family ask me about the baby all the time

A bit strange this imo.

I think it might be a bit like when someone you know has divorced and they introduce the new gf/bf you just always seem to call him/her the exes name, possibly because you are thinking 'don't call them X' 'don't call them X' and that is then what you do as it is on your mind.

So they are thinking don't mention the baby, don't mention the baby. Because really how close do they think you are to the DM, why should you know enough to chat about it.

[BertieBotts]

No I think it makes perfect sense that it's easier when they're away. It would probably be easy when they are there as well if everything could get sorted so there was no negotiation, mind games and arguments. It's the half and half arrangement which is causing the problem.

[Seashell78]

No progress yet, thanks for asking though!
Baby and Mum have returned to her home country for Easter holidays for a few weeks and so the issue of visiting and meeting hasn't immediately arisen. I know I shouldn't admit to this, but it's so much easier when they're away. No messing with the mind, no arguments, no negotiating. I can actually have days without bursting into tears over something related to this whole saga.

Yes, my partners mates and family ask me about the baby all the time - they probably assume all is well because I'd known from the outset of the relationship about the pregnancy. And I was ok initially, until it all became too real.
I don't think anyone other than another step mum can really appreciate the issues.

[LineRunner]

I don't understand why your partner's mates ask you how the baby is, when you haven't met the baby?

Do you mean they ask your partner in front of you?

[TinkyWinkyDipsyLalaPo]

How are things progressing seashells?
Have you asked to meet the baby? I think you might find it a lot easier once you have, and it's probably also easier to bond with her while she's young rather than leaving it for much longer.

[BertieBotts]

The higher frequency visits would just be for a short time, though, to build up the relationship to a level that the child would be happy to come and stay with you for longer periods. Sorry I had assumed you lived closer, but it's still important to build up the relationship first. I appreciate that's difficult! Sorry to focus so much on him but it really sounds like this in between limbo is making all of the issues so much worse. If it was clear one way or the other then it would be easier to make sense of it and build your life around it whichever way.

[RedFocus]

It does suck when your dp/dh has done all his firsts with the ex but if you want to stay in the relationship you are going to have to get over it otherwise the relationship will have to end. It's not the fault of the baby though and of course they should come first. Hopefully the baby will be able to stay over night and you can get involved too. You may even learn to love the baby. When you have your own baby it'll be totally different and so wonderful. If you love him though I'm sure you can work it all out. Good luck.

[Seashell78]

Thanks.
I didn't really want to this thread to turn into my partners issues with being a reluctant parent - more about my own coping strategies in how to turn this into something more positive. But I now appreciate everything is so intertwined.

Purpleroses you have hit the nail on the head - my partner hasn't got a route or role yet. His conscience is obviously telling him to step up and be the active parent, but my reluctance to get excited, our depression and resentment about the issue, all that stuff is forcing him the other way.

Just to clarify BertieBotts - they were living abroad until recently, so the weekly/fortnightly visits have only been happening the last couple of months. The mother isn't in any way resistant to the visits, in fact she'd like us to take the child off her hands more and can't understand why we're not delighted parents.

We would probably have to move closer if the frequency of visits were to increase, and that would have wider implications for both of us.

[purpleroses]

I think you need to support your DP to see that he does have a choice here. He doesn't have to be an active parent. The child's DM made the decision to go ahead with the pregnancy when she wasn't in a relationship with him and he'd made it clear he didn't want to be a dad. She must have realised she was going it alone in some sense. He could if he wanted keep up only very ocassional contact for the next few years with a view to having the odd bit of contact in the school holidays, or whatever when the child's a bit older and can remember who he is - a relationship a bit like many grandparents have really.

I'm not saying I think he ought to do this, but to talk it through as an option might help him feel less like he's been forced into something.

The alternative, if he wants to be a proper parent to a young child is to go for much more frequent contact - as the poster above suggests at least once a week, preferably more with a view to building up within a couple of months to having regular contact at your house without the mother involved, and after that going to overnights or whole weekends. A proper parental role. You would have to get used to your DSD being a big part of your life. But you wouldn't be left feeling - as you are now - that your DP was leaving you to go and be part of some other family whenever he saw his DD, as she'd be spending her time in your house with the both of you.

What he's doing at the moment is kind of sitting on the fence, maybe unsure which route he wants to take. I think it is his decision to make, but you might be able to help him think it through

[BertieBotts]

Every other month really isn't enough for a baby to build up a close relationship - I'm shocked at that since you said in the OP it was once every 1-2 weeks, I assumed that had been taken down from visiting more regularly when the child was smaller. Really with a little baby it needs to be multiple times a week, and if a toddler is not ready to stay overnight (which she won't be if she's seen him so little) then you're probably looking at about twice a week still now, definitely at least once a week. I'm really not surprised he doesn't feel a bond.

I think if he wants to be more involved then he needs to take some active steps towards this - he's had over two years to get used to the idea/fact, and it isn't going away, but doing it half heartedly isn't going to help either of them. She won't be comfortable with him until she knows him, he won't get to know her until she's comfortable, she won't know him and feel comfortable when they're meeting so infrequently. Especially if English isn't the main language used in her home, he is effectively her English exposure. Could you learn a language if you were only exposed to it once every 2 months?

Sorry, I don't think I realised what's actually the situation here - of course he's feeling unsure and out of his depth, because really he's just [being allowed to?] dipping his toes in the water, he needs to jump in more, or get out completely and go for a more distant kind of "skype once a week, visit in school holidays" kind of arrangement. This kind of half, wishy washy kind of relationship is no good for either of them.

Is she (the mother) resistant or has he just not really thought/wanted to ask for more? I'd say he needs to be seeing her about 3 times a week for maybe an hour or two and then as she gets to know him he can start taking her out twice a week for 2-3 hours at a time, increasing the time until she's comfortable and happy enough at your house to be staying overnight.

Or more extended visits over a longer time period but further apart - but he would probably have to do this at her house/at a familiar relative's house at the age she is at. And taking this role, he would have to accept that this isn't really a "dad" type role but more of a more distant relative like an uncle or grandfather.

[Seashell78]

Thanks BertieBotts, I phrased that wrongly I think.
More overwhelmed rather than 'not interested'.
My partner and baby have met every other month for a year and a handful of times over the last few months. The baby doesn't recognise him and isn't being brought up with English as a first language. My partner is still coming to terms with their existence. He feels no bond yet. Like a poster previously mentioned, he sometimes feels like a sperm donor. He is paying though.

Now I know the majority here would say tough, man up and do the parenting, and if I wasn't so intimately involved and had witnessed first hand his pain I'd feel the same.
We both know there is no way back, only forward, and I think my partner is seeking my support, approval and help in becoming a parent, and unfortunately recently I haven't been able to offer this - quite the opposite. And that's what I'm hoping to change.

[BertieBotts]

You're in danger of placing too much importance on some mythical version of "the one" and worrying that you'll never find someone again. Don't be afraid of being single. I can understand not wanting to end the relationship, but you should only stay with it if you're really on board with what's involved and what life is going to be like. It wouldn't be anybody's fault if it ended, least of all the little girl, so no reason to use that as a justification. It would be hard to leave, but it's also going to be hard to stay. It IS worth considering even if you ultimately choose not to.

I think it sounds right that he's seeing the baby at her house at the moment, 18mo is pretty young (my DS didn't see his dad overnight at that age) and especially if they've been abroad he needs to build up the relationship before she will be happy to come over, which is fair.

It's a little concerning though that you say he doesn't show much interest in the baby - what do you mean?

[NomNomNom]

'The girl'? Was she under 18 when she had the baby? You've never met her, so why do you see her so negatively?

If your DP told her he didn't want her to have the baby, it was sensible for her to go to where her family live. Why did she come back to the UK?

Does your DP pay maintenance?

Of course it's a difficult situation, but you're not going to make it easier for anyone by building up the mother of his child as some kind of enemy.

If she is not comfortable with immediate overnight visits, you should respect that. It sounds as if your DP is a stranger to his child, and that might have been partly his decision.

Also, why do you buy clothes for his child? I thought you've never met her. If doing that makes you feel rubbish, just don't do it.