Does your OH exclude you from his life with his kids?

[jacketspudntuna]

Just posted in AIBU but here might be better.

Basically DH has his kids every weekend. Saturday he took them to a football match, saturday night they watched movies together and Sunday I was at work all day. So he pretty much had the weekend to himself with them (I'm trying to point out here that I'm not always in their faces!).

During work yesterday he text me asking how work was going, what was I upto etc. I text back saying work was fine, a few other details and asked what he and the kids were upto. He replied saying "just housework and then I'm taking them home and going to tip on the way back."

Last night, still nothing knew he thought to tell me about his day.

Today a message popped up on the ipad from his ds saying what a great driving lesson he'd had with him yesterday and he'd really enjoyed their drive out. DH replies "me too, you made me really proud, you're picking it up so quickly! really enjoyed it!".

Why would you not think to mention this when I asked about their day??? he does this all the time. Wants to know the ins and outs of my kids lives yet deliberately fails to include me in theirs. A week ago he accussed me of "ear wigging on a private conversation" because I overheard him mentioning activities for the following day and wondered if we were going somewhere nice!! How rude for a grown woman to be accussed of ear wigging in her own home!! There are plenty of times I've been talking to my son and DH has asked "what was that about?".

It's so one sided. The way he deliberately tries to exclude me from their little family is actually making me resentful.

[Bahhhhhumbug]

Ethel I don't agree either. Young children's welfare should obviously put before that of adults but beyond that a couples relationship should be and can be given equal importance to the relationship with their joint or individual children.

See Russians point about love not being diluted the more people you give it to. Romantic love and love for a child are obviously very different but can be equally strong.

[EthelDorothySusan]

If there was a partner and a child drowning I would always go for my child be they 2 or 32, that is what being a good parent is all about, your child comes first.

[purpleroses]

Ethel - the child in this situation is not drowning and needing their life saving. They are having a driving lesson - a bit different surely?

[Russianfudge]

When were the children drowning?

If my DD and her stepmum were drowning, my ex would save our daughter first because she is a child and his paternal instinct would be to ensure the survival of his young who are less able to fend for themselves. I imagine even were she a 25 year old woman he would still save her first.

But that isn't really the point is it?

[LineRunner]

Yes fine, but you wouldn't do it secretly, would you?

[Bahhhhhumbug]

Oh 'ere we go ! I am obviously a bad parent then because I would try and get my husband and children out in the optimum order based on who was in the most immediate danger of drowning/dying in a fire and who therefore needed my help first and the most. That is because I love them both equally but just in very different ways.

[Russianfudge]

And anyway, sometimes the kind thing to do is to teach your children that the world doesn't revolve around them... no? One day these children will be in adult relationships and (if we believe the stats) there is a high chance that this will involve step parenting, half siblings, second wives etc. It is our responsibility to model considerate adult romantic relationships - the hard part of "putting your children first" is often not putting your children first in my opinion.

[Russianfudge]

Applauds linerunner for quick wit

[Bahhhhhumbug]

.. and here's me thinking being a good parent involves teaching my children amongst many other things , that it's not all always about them and to share and be considerate and kind and realise other people in the world have needs and should be considered. When all along all I needed to do was instill in them that they always come first and no-one else including me matters as much as them.
By some miracle however despite their misguided upbringing they have both grown up to be social and considerate, kind selfless adults who don't think the world revolves around them

[Bahhhhhumbug]

sorry Russian x post

[Russianfudge]

Great minds Bahumbug!

[shey02]

Shit man, slightly off track there!

OP I totally can relate to you, feel excluded most of the time. One of my dp's dc does not care for me one bit. She is coached to hate me and disrespect her father. Unfortunately he struggles to control this behaviour and the child is able to influence the EOW's and weeknight access to a great degree.

As a result, the disney/guilty parenting comes in and myself and my children can feel cast aside, me almost as if I don't exist. Bear in mind that in between my dp's access with his kids which he has at his home, we (him, I and my dc) all live together at my home as a family. My dc treat him with emmense respect, he has a great influence on them, is very involved and they love him as a father, so even they deserve better. On the flipside, if I share one meal together with his kids in a month it's alot. Dp and I are very close in every other way, we are best friends (apart from when his kids are around) and want the future to be with each other.......... So it can be very hurtful and he doesn't even realise he's doing it.

So the only way I have been able to cope is by totally detaching as this happens EOW. I hardly see them, have no idea what they're up to and it's the lack of continuity that upsets me. It's like having a bf, then not having one for two days, then back to normal. Usually we will fall out about it, then make up, then the next two weeks is heaven. But it's the same all the time. We are years on and just wish that he felt a need for this to change. It really is not healthy for anyone, BUT I can't help feeling that he has the best of both worlds.........? It's too easy for him. But OP if this was happening in MY house, OMG, the relationship, much as I love and adore him, would probably be over.

[Petal02]

It’s the lack of continuity that upsets me. It’s like having a bf, then not having one for two days, then back to normal. We fall out about it, then we make up and the next two weeks is heaven. It’s the same all the time

I could have written this. I don’t think my DH ever intentionally created this situation, but it was like normal life for two weeks, and then …….. HALT!!! MY SON IS IN THE BUILDING. We’d then have Thurs-Sun of intense DSS-orientated time. In DH’s ideal world, he’d “pause” our marriage for the weekend. and then “resume” on Sunday night when DSS had gone back home. We used to fall out about it, then we’d make up, and then it would be a repeat performance when the next EOW access weekend began. Life ran in cycles.

But with the benefit of hindsight (DSS has been away at Uni since September) all of the above was a result of guilt/desperation/borderline obsession (sounds a bit Heathcliffe, doesn’t it?) and Disney parenting. DH never quite got over no longer being a RP, and used to spend EOW trying to compensate for it. There were times when I felt the father/son relationship was actually quite dark; DH would lie, mislead, be duplicitous etc etc , and that’s not a healthy parent/child relationship IMO. When you feel like your DH’s sole purpose in life is the pursuit of another person, it’s not great.