Stepmum Advice needed re: Christmas

[AliceinWonderhell]

My DH is waiting for a court date for an initial hearing following the DSC Mums application to discharge the contact order. It is expected to be the week before Xmas. DSS is currently refusing to come for court ordered contact but is happy to see DH at school and on trips/meals out.

I have absolutely no idea what to do/think/plan for Christmas. The plan (before the latest issues) was that DSS (10) would be with us for a few days before Xmas, and come back for New Year, along with my DD (12), and DSD (16) would spend some time with us during that period, too.

Now, I have no idea what is going to happen. My DD's Dad has asked that DD doesn't spend time with DSS until things have settled down again (to protect her from the repeated emotional rejection of the DSC refusing contact at the last minute and to avoid her being caught up in any more of DSS allegations) - and I have to say I agree with him. DH has agreed with that and made it clear to the DSC Mum that is the case. She isn't happy about that as she thinks he's putting my DD before his own DC's. DSS has been told that "I won't let him" be here when DD is - although the reality is that if he does come and stay while DD is here, I'll ask DD's Dad if she can spend a few extra days there. I don't want to mess her around though - she's got a schedule that works.

So, we might have no DC's, or DSC might suddenly decide they want to come after all, or they might expect DH to take them out - I have no clue. If it's just the two of us on Xmas Day, we'll have a very low-key christmas; we've not got any spare cash so wouldn't bother with a special meal or anything. But if the DSC suddenly decide to come, then I think we ought to do something to acknowledge Christmas - otherwise, it's going to make things worse, surely? And what if they decide they want to be here when DD is?

It would just be good to know - it's the only time I get off work all year (I'm self employed) and I don't really want to spend the week on tenderhooks, half expecting that call saying that DSD has had a row with her Mum and wants to come round, or DSS has decided he wants to see his Dad and will be distraught if he doesn't see him soon. I want to enjoy my time with DD, not be worrying if she'll be going to her Dads suddenly because the DSC want to be here. If DH refuses a visit/contact over Christmas, even if it asked for at the last minute, it will not look good in court - he's going to have to agree to see the DSC at their (or their Mums) behest.

I appreciate it's a crap situation for the DSC to be in - and I guess I should just put on my big-girls panties and accept that this is how things are - but I'm at the limit of my resilience after the last few weeks, and now I've got this hanging over Christmas, which I have been looking forward to for months cos frankly, I need a rest.

[ElenorRigby]

Sure it's a lottery in the Family Courts, however she has form, plenty of it by your description.

You cant afford a solicitor, that's fine. Just get yourself a McKenzie friend and start putting your case together with their help.

[AliceinWonderhell]

Case for what though, elenor?

How can DH prove that substantial contact is in DSS best interests when DSS himself is saying its not what he wants and his Dad is scaring him when he suggests it?

And we still don't know what the allegation DSS has made that led to this by his Mum actually is - and probably won't find out until a week or two before the first hearing.

[ElenorRigby]

It's up to you and your husband whether you roll over to ex or stand up and fight.
IMO for the skids sake you need to get fighting and stop saying it cant be done.

[allnewtaketwo]

Re. The Christmas question, I would put a stake in the ground and make your arrangements now, based on how things stand at present. So DSS is scared of dad - make your Christmas arrangements around your DD. It is simply not fair to DD to have to either wait around until DSS decides he is no longer scared, or to change plans for DD around what DSS decides. You can only go on the basis of what you know now, which is that DSS is scared to come. That's my view anyway.

[AliceinWonderhell]

We're just exhausted elenor - DH has developed migraines which are crippling him on a weekly basis; several of the weekends we've set aside to recharge our batteries over the last few weeks have been hijacked by DSD in crisis, so we're running on empty.

We can see a huge mountain to climb ahead and we're already worn out just trekking to the base.

[Kaluki]

It's all smoke and mirrors isn't it?
Have DSS and DSD ever had any counselling? Is he more scared of the pressure he feels being stuck between his mum and dad than actually scared of them?
It could be that he is crying out for help and for someone to listen to him.

[AliceinWonderhell]

DH has tried numerous times to get DSS into counselling; the school recommended play therapy after he witnessed his mums and sisters violent argument, but his mum refused and the school weren't happy to go ahead with just DH agreement.

DH has suggested it again recently, but DSS mum says that it's going to be distressing enough for DSS having to talk to CAFCASS about his feelings without having to deal with someone else as well. I get the feeling she doesn't really understand what it involves for DCs - I think she imagines DSS lying on a couch with a therapist saying "tell me about your mother"!!!

DH is considering a specific issue order to get DSS some professional support - he's got about three weeks worth of emails from DSS mum detailing how distraught/scared/anguished he is at the thought of seeing his Dad which may well provide the evidence DH needs - although none of that is evident when DH actually sees DSS.

Both DH and I have suggested counselling several times to DSD - she can access it through college - but she shares her Mums distain of 'therapy' and says she doesn't need it.

[haveyourselfashandy]

Hello Alice,this all sounds so messy I am sorry you are going through this.First of all,with regards to Christmas it seems highly unlikely that your DSC will be with you so just plan a lovely relaxing few days with you,your DH and your dd.If your dd is going to be with her df then make it special for you and your dh.You must try to get on with your lives while all this is going on.You can do nothing about this until you find out what the allegation is.I think both you and your dh need to stop engaging with the ex AND the dc and just for a while,concentrate on yourselves and your dd because god knows what she thinks about all this!