He ignores my dc!!!

[Kaluki]

DP and I have been together for 4 years, live together, we have 2 kids each, his come to us eow and mine live with us. We have had a lot of problems over the years, he was the archetypal Disney Dad and his dc were very spoilt but things have improved in the last year or so and they are a lot better now.
My problem is the way he is with my children. He ignores them. Every now and then I comment on it and he makes an effort for a few weeks then it goes back to normal. Last night DS2 asked him a question and he completely ignored him (he said he didn't hear!) The only time he talks about them to me is to criticise them or moan about something. It's like he is not at all interested in either of them and they are in his way. He moaned last night that DS1 was still up pottering about at 10pm but he had been doing homework all that time and he wasn't doing anything wrong, he just came down for a drink and to talk about his English essay he had done. He's 14.
I do everything for his dc when they are here. I cook, wash and iron their clothes, help with their homework, basically everything I do for my own two I do for them too. DSD is 9 and won't let DP wash her hair for her so I do it (she has waist length hair and it is a nightmare to rinse out!) then I dry it and put it up for her, I love doing this for her, but it makes me so resentful that I do all this when he can barely acknowledge my kids.
This is bothering me more than the kids tbh and I have put up and shut up for a long time because he isn't actually nasty to them, just disinterested and detached. All four kids get on so well together and he is the love of my life but this one thing is really getting on top of me to the point where I feel like retaliating by ignoring his dc to see how he feels, but I just can't do that to them, it isn't their fault.
It would be such a shame to split up after we have come so far, but I feel like all the effort I have made to make us a happy family is being thrown back in my face every time he is like this with my dc.

[CountryGal13]

I was thinking that too Trooperlooperdo - If the partner does become more involved then the boys might resent that and it could make the situation worse.
It does sound like he needs to make more effort to at least be friendly though

[Kaluki]

Thanks for all the replies.
The boys have a few issues with their dads gf at the moment and feel like he is choosing her over them so I think this might be making me a bit over protective.
I took them both out for dinner tonight as a reward for DS2 passing his 11+ and ds1 doing well at school generally and when talking about their dad and his gf they said the reason they like DP is because he doesn't try and take me away from them!
So it seems I have been looking at it from the wrong angle! It's not about how he is with them it's that they don't have to compete with him!
He has made more effort (said hello and goodnight and even managed to say congratulations when the results came in

[lunar1]

Is him saying hello and goodnight really an achievement? Because those things are just common decency and I don't think I would want my children growing up thinking its normal to be so rude.

[Kaluki]

I was being a bit flippant there. I meant to say he is trying.
He's never outright rude just a bit thoughtless.

[purpleroses]

That's interesting. I should probably do the same with my DC - ask them what they think and what they want. I kind of assume that it's nice to be close to the people you live with but maybe their expectations aren't that high, or their needs that great.

Do your DC resent that you do more for the DSC than your DP does for them do you think? Or is that just your own concern?

[Kaluki]

I think that's just my concern, as far as my dc are concerned I'm the mum and naturally do mum type jobs for everyone!!!
We've just had dsc for a weekend and they were so good and they all got on great together.
This really is my problem so I have to suck it up don't I ?!

[RandomMess]

Good to hear that your dc are happy - that is what counts, even better that your dh is making more of an effort. Hope it carries on improving!

[lunar1]

It's good that your children are happy. The thing that would worry me is what it is teaching them.

It shows them that the 'man of the house' behaves this way and could help shape the way they behave in future relationships.

How much time do they spend with their dad? It really needs to be enough that they see an adult man behaving as a loving caring father who participates fully in family life. If their main male role model is their step dad then I would be worried.

[Kaluki]

They see their Dad EOW and one night during the week and he is very involved in their lives so he is a positive influence on them.
They are also very close to their Grandad and my stepdad so they do have a lot of male influences in their lives too.
They see my DP as just my boyfriend. They like having him around but if he left tomorrow I don't think they would be too devastated, they would miss the DSC a lot though.
I think I might be seeing problems where there aren't any!!

[UC]

kaluki, the last few posts are really interesting. I too have had worries about my DP being less involved in a "fatherly" way with my DCs than his own (although we do have much more shared care than you do, so my SDCs are around a lot more).

I don't think I necessarily agree with lunar1 (although I agree saying goodnight is common courtesy!) - my DCs already have a dad who is great, and is very supportive. I don't think they need another man taking on that fatherly role, and actually I think they'd be uncomfortable if DP suddenly started doing that stuff. DP isn't their "loving caring father". He is their step dad. They already have a loving caring father.

However, my DP does do lots of other things that are good lessons for them to see in a "man of the house" - he cleans, cooks, ferries to clubs, helps with homework if it's maths/science and asks them about their days. What he doesn't do is cuddle them, kiss them, or behave like their dad emotionally. Of course if one of them goes to hug him, he hugs back, but he wouldn't initiate.

Having re-read your OP, I think your DP should communicate more with your DSs. He could ask them how they are, listen when they speak, not ignore them totally. That's just rude!

[juneau]

I was a step-child, growing up. I didn't want or expect my SD to be another dad to me - I have a perfectly good dad - and it sounds like your kids do too. So don't worry that he's more involved with his own kids than yours - I'm sure your kids are okay with that - it sounds like they are from what you've said. If they were deprived of a caring 'dad' figure in their lives that might be different, but given their situation I think his indifference is actually okay - not damaging anyway. I'd ask him to cut down on the criticism, if it was me, as he chose to live with you and your kids and knew that was the deal, but otherwise it doesn't sound too problematic. You sound like a great step-mum (mine was vile!), so good for you. Being an okay step-parent is fine too though. Kids know who their parents are and they don't expect step-parents to be like their parents. Blood really is a darn sight thicker than water.

[Kaluki]

Thankyou! He has been a kit new chatty lately.
I had a nasty stepmum too - now I try to be the opposite of her