He ignores my dc!!!

[Kaluki]

DP and I have been together for 4 years, live together, we have 2 kids each, his come to us eow and mine live with us. We have had a lot of problems over the years, he was the archetypal Disney Dad and his dc were very spoilt but things have improved in the last year or so and they are a lot better now.
My problem is the way he is with my children. He ignores them. Every now and then I comment on it and he makes an effort for a few weeks then it goes back to normal. Last night DS2 asked him a question and he completely ignored him (he said he didn't hear!) The only time he talks about them to me is to criticise them or moan about something. It's like he is not at all interested in either of them and they are in his way. He moaned last night that DS1 was still up pottering about at 10pm but he had been doing homework all that time and he wasn't doing anything wrong, he just came down for a drink and to talk about his English essay he had done. He's 14.
I do everything for his dc when they are here. I cook, wash and iron their clothes, help with their homework, basically everything I do for my own two I do for them too. DSD is 9 and won't let DP wash her hair for her so I do it (she has waist length hair and it is a nightmare to rinse out!) then I dry it and put it up for her, I love doing this for her, but it makes me so resentful that I do all this when he can barely acknowledge my kids.
This is bothering me more than the kids tbh and I have put up and shut up for a long time because he isn't actually nasty to them, just disinterested and detached. All four kids get on so well together and he is the love of my life but this one thing is really getting on top of me to the point where I feel like retaliating by ignoring his dc to see how he feels, but I just can't do that to them, it isn't their fault.
It would be such a shame to split up after we have come so far, but I feel like all the effort I have made to make us a happy family is being thrown back in my face every time he is like this with my dc.

[Kaluki]

Thankyou! He has been a kit new chatty lately.
I had a nasty stepmum too - now I try to be the opposite of her

[juneau]

I was a step-child, growing up. I didn't want or expect my SD to be another dad to me - I have a perfectly good dad - and it sounds like your kids do too. So don't worry that he's more involved with his own kids than yours - I'm sure your kids are okay with that - it sounds like they are from what you've said. If they were deprived of a caring 'dad' figure in their lives that might be different, but given their situation I think his indifference is actually okay - not damaging anyway. I'd ask him to cut down on the criticism, if it was me, as he chose to live with you and your kids and knew that was the deal, but otherwise it doesn't sound too problematic. You sound like a great step-mum (mine was vile!), so good for you. Being an okay step-parent is fine too though. Kids know who their parents are and they don't expect step-parents to be like their parents. Blood really is a darn sight thicker than water.

[UC]

kaluki, the last few posts are really interesting. I too have had worries about my DP being less involved in a "fatherly" way with my DCs than his own (although we do have much more shared care than you do, so my SDCs are around a lot more).

I don't think I necessarily agree with lunar1 (although I agree saying goodnight is common courtesy!) - my DCs already have a dad who is great, and is very supportive. I don't think they need another man taking on that fatherly role, and actually I think they'd be uncomfortable if DP suddenly started doing that stuff. DP isn't their "loving caring father". He is their step dad. They already have a loving caring father.

However, my DP does do lots of other things that are good lessons for them to see in a "man of the house" - he cleans, cooks, ferries to clubs, helps with homework if it's maths/science and asks them about their days. What he doesn't do is cuddle them, kiss them, or behave like their dad emotionally. Of course if one of them goes to hug him, he hugs back, but he wouldn't initiate.

Having re-read your OP, I think your DP should communicate more with your DSs. He could ask them how they are, listen when they speak, not ignore them totally. That's just rude!

[Kaluki]

They see their Dad EOW and one night during the week and he is very involved in their lives so he is a positive influence on them.
They are also very close to their Grandad and my stepdad so they do have a lot of male influences in their lives too.
They see my DP as just my boyfriend. They like having him around but if he left tomorrow I don't think they would be too devastated, they would miss the DSC a lot though.
I think I might be seeing problems where there aren't any!!

[lunar1]

It's good that your children are happy. The thing that would worry me is what it is teaching them.

It shows them that the 'man of the house' behaves this way and could help shape the way they behave in future relationships.

How much time do they spend with their dad? It really needs to be enough that they see an adult man behaving as a loving caring father who participates fully in family life. If their main male role model is their step dad then I would be worried.

[RandomMess]

Good to hear that your dc are happy - that is what counts, even better that your dh is making more of an effort. Hope it carries on improving!

[Kaluki]

I think that's just my concern, as far as my dc are concerned I'm the mum and naturally do mum type jobs for everyone!!!
We've just had dsc for a weekend and they were so good and they all got on great together.
This really is my problem so I have to suck it up don't I ?!

[purpleroses]

That's interesting. I should probably do the same with my DC - ask them what they think and what they want. I kind of assume that it's nice to be close to the people you live with but maybe their expectations aren't that high, or their needs that great.

Do your DC resent that you do more for the DSC than your DP does for them do you think? Or is that just your own concern?

[Kaluki]

I was being a bit flippant there. I meant to say he is trying.
He's never outright rude just a bit thoughtless.

[lunar1]

Is him saying hello and goodnight really an achievement? Because those things are just common decency and I don't think I would want my children growing up thinking its normal to be so rude.

[Kaluki]

Thanks for all the replies.
The boys have a few issues with their dads gf at the moment and feel like he is choosing her over them so I think this might be making me a bit over protective.
I took them both out for dinner tonight as a reward for DS2 passing his 11+ and ds1 doing well at school generally and when talking about their dad and his gf they said the reason they like DP is because he doesn't try and take me away from them!
So it seems I have been looking at it from the wrong angle! It's not about how he is with them it's that they don't have to compete with him!
He has made more effort (said hello and goodnight and even managed to say congratulations when the results came in

[CountryGal13]

I was thinking that too Trooperlooperdo - If the partner does become more involved then the boys might resent that and it could make the situation worse.
It does sound like he needs to make more effort to at least be friendly though

[trooperlooperdo]

surely if the kids are happy that's the most important thing? Perhaps they don't want/need a live in dad who's commenting on everything and living in their pockets & they're happy with their own father fullfilling that role?

[cappy123]

A lot of sense here. And I get where country girl is coming from with the one-sided hard work with stepteens. I confess that I've sometimes thought 'when we have our kids you'll see' but have to banish that thought. DSD didn't ask for me to be in her life and neither she nor DH will tolerate me withdrawing. Chat to your man. Your kids deserve that.

[CountryGal13]

It definately sounds like your partner is struggling with step parenting and I certainly don't think you should leave him as yet, especially as you said that your dc like him and arn't particularly bothered about the situation.
Would he consider counciling? Or maybe you just need to have a heart to heart with him and try to find out why he is the way he is with them and let him know how much it hurts you.
Is it possible that he really didn't hear your son speak to him because he was consumed in his own thoughts? A colleague of mine once told me that I occasionally do this when I'm stressed and I'd had no idea that she'd even spoken to me.
I'm guilty of being quite detached from my step teens too. I suppose I'm like that because I often feel rejected by them and I have to protect my feelings. Everything is dad, dad, dad and It makes my feel insignificant in my own home. (I bet my husband doesn't notice that they do this...) I do however always make an effort to ask how they are ect when they come but, although they'll chat back to me in response, it's always me that has to start the very one sided conversations and it does get exhausting. It's probably just a teen thing.
Maybe if you could talk openly with you're partner then he might be able to explain the reasons why he is how he is with them. Saying that, he really needs to be pleasant to them no matter what, ignoring them is not an option.
Really hope things improve for you soon.

[Kaluki]

A lot of it is that he works long hours and is really tired most evenings so I do make allowances for this.
It's exactly like you said purple I just wish he'd engage a bit more.
It's effortless with your own kids isn't it but he needs to make that bit more effort to get on with mine and tbh I don't feel like he can be bothered.

[purpleroses]

I don't think you're alone. My DP is a bit similar tbh - usually pleasant round my DCs but not really engaged with them at all. Very much leaves things up to me in the week when it's only my two around.

Whereas at the weekend we're both more involved with the DCs, but that largely means me doing things for his ones, because there are 4 of his, and they're with us every weekend (whereas mine are off at their dad's EOW). It all adds up to me doing a lot more for his than he does for mine. I'm not sure that that's necessarily a problem - but would like him to feel something a bit more than just accepting of mine.

Partly it's that my DP works long hours and is very much in "work mode" during the week. He only really switches into family mode at the weekends. Is that partly the case for you too maybe?

But partly it is a unthinking difference in the way he relates to mine, quicker to criticise them, makes less allowances for things, or just happy to leave everything up to me relating to them.

I've asked him to collect my youngest from a club next week, as I'll be out. I'm wondering whether setting up more time for him to be in charge of them when I'm not around might help a bit.

[peppersquint]

Are you sure he's not doing "the best he can" - if your DC's father is fantastic with his own kids are you not making an unfair comparison for your DP. Maybe he is fairly hands-off anyway?

[Kaluki]

Interesting thread Fooso - glad I'm not alone.

[theredhen]

Maybe you should ask dp if he would like you to detach from his kids and list all the things you could stop doing?

It might make him sit up and notice if he thinks there's a consequence for him to have to pick up the slack? At the moment he's not really getting a consequence for having a non relationship with your kids.

I don't necessarily think you should "punish" his kids for his behaviour but you could word the situation like this for him to understand?

My dp was like this and a combination of counselling, me almost moving out and his dd moving in full time have changed our family dynamics for the better.

We also had crisis after crisis with his kids which kept both of our focus on dsc and his ex rather than on his relationship with my ds.

I am still very prickly if he snaps at my ds but it is now better balanced with a positive relationship.

I'd dearly love my dp to have a closer relationship with my ds but I'm happy (as is ds) to accept a "jogging along" type of relationship, which to be fair, is really what I have with his kids.

[Kaluki]

Thanks for all the replies!
Quote - I haven't talked to the dc about it because I don't want to make a big deal of it. I know they like him and dsc a lot and love being part of a big family. If I thought for a minute they were unhappy I would act but I genuinely think they are happy with the situation.
Lunar - I agree that the dc have been through enough. DSC are so messed up by their parents divorce I can't bear to add to that. Another breakup would be catastrophic for all of them and I really don't want to put them through that either.
I guess because my dc have their own Dad to be a role model and their relationship with him is great the fact that DP is on the sidelines just being 'Mummy's boyfriend' doesn't phase them. It's me who wants him to be more because I am more to his dc.
When I talk about it he says he doesn't mean to do it, he is stressed at work and distracted, he's tired, he misses his own kids, he finds it hard to talk to DS1 ... Lots of excuses and then good intentions but all short lived.
In every other way he is great - it's just this, but it's turning into a deal breaker for me.

[Fooso]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/1712708-What-your-DPs-relationship-is-like-with-your-own-child

My previous thread - with some mumsnet words of wisdom

[Fooso]

Kaluki, you may remember I've posted about this very thing before - like you it was becoming a big issue - all of the children live with us, and no mum around so I do everything for them. My DP was detached from my DS as he said he found it hard to relate to him (I also have an uncommunicative 14 year old boy!)... It nearly broke us up... He didn't want to lose me or break up the family and I had to be very specific about what he wasn't doing and what I felt he should be doing... He has made a big effort and their relationship has improved. Unfortunately it took the threat of our break up to get him to sit up and change - but change he did..

[wannaBe]

You're not a happy family if he and your kids have no relationship though are you?

This would be a dealbreaker for me. As much as I understand that it's hard to take on someone else's kids, anyone who gets involved with someone who has kids knows that those kids come as part of the package, and that moving in with the parent means moving in with the kids too. I realise that taking on stepchildren is different to having your own children and that that relationship will be different, but if he is capable of interacting with children then he is capable of interacting with yours.

I would have a discussion with him along the lines of why he feels so unable to relate to your own children and where he thinks this is going, make it an open honest discussion about how you all feel, but perhaps be prepared for the fact that this might never change and then ask yourself whether you feel the relationship has a future based on that.

[quoteunquote]

When you sit down with your children and talk about it, what do they say?