Division of money question

[MadameLeBean]

DP does not pay anything towards my dd's childcare costs or school clubs etc, or clothes. I am fine with this, he is not her dad and her actual dad does not pay maintenance (I did start a thread about whether to go to the CSA but that's a whole issue in ideals) so why should DP have to pay anything.

So far so good. It worked because I earn about 1/3 more than my DP and I spend that "extra" on childcare clothes etc for dd. So we have a joint account for bills to which we contribute equally and about equal spending money (not very much!).

However he has got a new job offer which means he will be making the same money as me - so the huge amount of money I spend on childcare etc, he will have sloshing around "spare".

I have always been one to split things equally but I will not be able to contribute my half of anything more eg the cost of a cleaner. Wibu to ask him to pay for the cleaner as I have this huge overhead which he does not have and now we are on the same money? Should I ask him to pay a little bit towards dd's costs? I feel that would be wrong but on the other hand it feels unfair that he will have loads of spare cash while I struggle to pay my half of the cleaner, can't afford to save a pension etc

[Driz]

How can you not want your child's father to pay, but you expect your current Partner to pay for a child that is not his? Do you split all other bills 50:50, except childcare? because if that is the case he is already heavily subsidising your child which is bloody ridiculous.

[Driz]

And he already offered to pay for the car? He is a fool and you are a freeloader. Sleep easy

[MadameLeBean]

Driz he is not subsidising - we are on equal incomes after childcare etc (until he starts new job) and we split other things 50-50. I would not be able to contribute more than 50% to other things as there is simply not enough money coming in! He would not expect me to either! He thinks it's fair that I meet child costs and we split other things equally and I agree with that. Even if I got money from the CSA that would go towards dd's costs.

[MadameLeBean]

Did you mean to be so rude? Partnership is a team! Without his dad's help we couldn't afford to run the car. It makes sense if DP is on more money to meet that cost rather than sponge off his generous dad. I am not in a position to pay for that. It's his choice.

[Driz]

How is he not subsidising? He is helping to pay for your child's food and heat and a roof over their head. He should absolutely sort himself out, whether it be a pension, or other investments or even some fucking fun. Do you really think that it is fair that he has to pay for your child?

[Driz]

Yes I actually did

[MadameLeBean]

He is going to sort himself out with more pension and more fun and all that, anyway. I find it strange that you use this language of subsidising - when we got together he knew he would be taking on dd as well.

[Driz]

Really? Maybe he meant emotionally? Which is a noble thing to do. But seriously why should he subsidise her financially when she has a father who could be paying for her, but you can't be bothered to ask?

[MadameLeBean]

I'm no longer going to engage with your aggressive posts. It's not that I "can't be bothered" to ask, which is clear from my posts. In fact thanks in part to others thoughtful answers I think I need to try and get maintenance. I'm not looking for validation on whether my current situation is fair. DP and I feel it is. That is not up for discussion. I was asking about when circs change.

[MadameLeBean]

And if I get £250 a month maintenance is is not going to mean I suddenly pay 2/3 of all food and bills. It will mean that I can pay for dd's costs without struggling to meet 50% of food and bills.

[Inertia]

It's perfectly reasonable to split bills in proportion to amount earned, and I don't understand why your DP begrudges making a contribution to the household if you are paying child related costs. Do you get CB and if so is that spent exclusively on DD? Is there a danger that DP 's new job will reduce CB entitlement? If so you should carry on claiming and let him deal with his tax return.

It seems wildly unfair that you cannot go to the csa - worth investigating that further.

[Driz]

You needed an Internet forum to help you decide you should seek maintenance? I wouldn't demean myself by expecting my partner to pay for my child/luxuries.

[nicknamegame]

Madame- ignore the foul and aggressive posts from Driz. You are doing nothing wrong in expecting your partner not to leave you struggling while he has disposable income. If you didn't have a child I would (and suspect many others) would be saying the same things. He KNEW you had a child when you moved in together!
As for the maintenence- I know exactly where you're coming from, hence my earlier post. Some parents do not want to pay and make you feel like the scum of the earth for asking. If you can get it, great, but I don't think your partner (or anyone on here) should be forcing you to engage in a battle with someone who made you mentally unwell. That is bloody crazy.

[Driz]

Struggling to pay the cleaner is not most people's definition of 'struggling' nicknamegame. I don't think her partner should leave her to starve, but it sounds to me that the OP is bemoaning not having enough money to put into her pension, or pay the cleaner, not worrying about having a roof over her head or paying the bills. She chose to have a child, she should pay for that child (along with the other person who brought that child into the world)

[MadameLeBean]

Thanks nickname

I am fortunate to be with a DP who is an excellent communicator and we would not want there to be any feeling of unfairness or resentment on either of our sides so we'll hash it out until we are both happy.

But we have agreed to investigate the legal position as I don't think it's rightthat ex has no financial responsibility. But I did not realise that was weird until recently - I thought that since I get the privilege of dd living with me most of the time her dad shouldn't have to give me money; but I realise that is wrong now.

[roughtyping]

Driz, you're being rude and ridiculous.

I agree with nickname. DH is not my son's biological father, but would do anything to look after DS & I. In fact, because for ages I was working as a supply teacher and has a v variable income, DS's childcare vouchers come from DH's salary.

No one would dream of saying I was 'freeloading' , we're a family unit, all our money is for all of us.

[MadameLeBean]

I have gotten into debt paying 50% of everything on top of covering dd costs on my own because I wanted stuff to be equal. Now DP will have more money I think extra things eg cleaner might have to be paid for by him should he choose to do that to give us as a family a better quality of life.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

nickname Each to their own; I don't think I'd want a relationship with a knight in shining armour. Your DP has enabled you to avoid a difficult/unpleasant situation rather than supporting you to deal with it - and in doing so you have chosen to become dependant on him. I want a partner who supports me to face up to the hard, difficult, challenging things in life - not one who steps in and fixes things for me so I can run away.

Dare I ask what your plans are if he was no longer around? I hope any arrangements that your DP has put in place to support you and your DD if anything should happen to him are not to the detriment of any other DCs he has. If that is the case, and anything should happen to him, then you may well find yourself facing another difficult situation, having to fight for what he wanted to happen.

[roughtyping]

China, I know that wasn't directed to me, but - DS's dad pays maintenance; DH and I both have life insurance; our savings (ha) are joint; I have a job of my own. I've lived as a LP before and could do it again.

[MadameLeBean]

He has no dc of his own. If he were no longer around dd and I would have to move house somewhere smaller and I'd manage.

China I agree with you I do not want a knight in shining armour that is why I am questioning all this. I have always been proud and independent that is why I insisted on splitting everything 50-50.

When we got together he supported me in court (ex and I split years previously, court was because I was moving further away so contact arrangement would need to change) and DP and I both understood that I would not be asking for maintenance (my lawyer did not advise me differently)

[MadameLeBean]

Oh and in the years prior to court there was no maintenance as dd lived with me 60% and dad 40% so he paid towards things eg nursery, clothes, in line with that.

[Pipparivers]

Some posts on here are ridiculous.

You are living with a man as a family unit, this is why if you could before you can no longer claim tax credits as a lone parent. Whereas you could if you lived in a flat share. The government/benefits system views you as a team. One of you should not be worrying about money whilst the other is flashing the cash.

The ex should also be paying his fair share of maintenance.

[MadameLeBean]

Good points pippa. If I were alone I could claim tax credits etc. DP is not my housemate. When I lived with one and we shared food shopping I paid 2/3 of it for me and dd. I claimed things as a LP.
DP and I own a house together we are getting married soon. We are a team but I do agree that I should do everything possible to make sure DP is not having to make up for ex not paying a jot

[nicknamegame]

I agree with the previous poster.

China- quite a lot of assumptions to make there, don't you think?
Knight in shining armour? No. Just no. My ex was paying a measly £100pcm more than he does now before he cut it, so I have not ever been able to rely on his contribution to pay for everything I needed. Sure, £200 was better than £100, but it still didn't touch the sides when my childcare bill was 550 a month, before I so much as paid for a pair of shoes. I owned my own home(still do) when I met DP, own car, professional salary and enough to take dd on holiday etc. Through my DP we have a nicer house, nicer holidays, etc, but I would certainly not be lost without my DP. For the record, if me and DP split, I certainly would not put myself through the strain of chasing my ex down the road for his paltry pathetic £100 that he feels is worth spending on his other children, but not ours.

My DP has no children of his own. He simply sees us as a family and I'm really surprised at your somewhat simplistic and clinical view of a partnership. He hasn't 'rescued me' and to say you'd rather be with someone who 'challenges you -well that's another assumption you've made right there. So if your partner supports you to not chase a reluctant parent to pay for their child, because it will cause untold stress to your family life- that means he isn't challenging me? I simply don't understand this viewpoint. Why aren't you taking into account the other variables I've pointed out about the stress it causes, the mental health issues it has caused the OP.

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

Why aren't you taking into account the other variables I've pointed out about the stress it causes

Because I share the oft expressed opinion on MN (particularly on the LP board) that there is never any excuse not to pursue a reluctant NRP via the CSA, and that it is a RP responsibility to secure this.

Although you are in the fortunate position to consider £100 a month paultry, not everyone is as fortunate, and one day, your DC may need the emergency fund you could create by saving that paultry £1200 a year.

BTW - I've been there; bullying emotional ex (mine effectively cut me out of my DDs life for a time) and mental health issues - I'm not unsympathetic, just have a different opinion of my responsibilities as a parent.