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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Children used as pawns...

33 replies

notafraid · 30/04/2013 17:25

Does anyone have any advice for me? My stepdaughter is 3 and she frequently tells me that "My mummy doesn't like you".I just say oh, that's ok I don't mind or something like that but it upsets me that this child is being used as a pawn in her mother's petty fight. I've never met her mother. When does this cross the line into child abuse?

OP posts:

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Stepmooster · 06/05/2013 10:04

Hi Notafraid you and I are in a similar boat. My DH ex also left him for another man. For the life of me I can't work out why she can't be happy that DH is happy in a new relationship? Unless she is having major regrets and realising the grass isn't greener and she now has to share her children with someone else?? Who knows?

Theydeserve - DSS was a lot happier with the whole situation of his parents split etc once DH got his head around it all and stops asking/talking about OM/SF. He will never like him but if his name is mentioned by DSS DH has learnt to be polite. You have to try your best and hide it. Easier said than done.

fllowtheyellowbrickroad · 06/05/2013 08:34

Refuses to speak to the children when in holiday with you!?!! That's appalling! It's a direct message to them that they shouldn't go. You couldn't make this stuff up could you. How selfish some people are

Theydeserve · 03/05/2013 14:17

I agree the DCs are in an impossible situation and so is the person being slagged off.

That was my question - shall In tell a 6 yr old the truth or lie to make life easier for them. Something I tell them not to do and if someone is upsets them to tell the other person.

notafraid · 03/05/2013 13:55

Thank you very much purpleroses

OP posts:

WMDinthekitchen · 03/05/2013 13:28

Grit your teeth and say, 'I bet your Mum is lovely ' (has to be done without a trace of irony in your voice). Or, do not respond directly to that remark, but say, 'But I like you a lot.' Her Mum is probably trying to provoke you - don't give her any ammo. It's hard, though.

purpleroses · 03/05/2013 13:22

Here you are:
www.mumsnet.com/info/acronyms

notafraid · 03/05/2013 13:18

Just for clarification, my partner's ex had an affair and left him for another man. So I'm not the person who broke up her marriage.

And by the way, as I'm quite new please could someone point me to a glossary of meanings for OW, OP, OW, OM, SM, DC, DH.

Thanks :)

OP posts:

notafraid · 03/05/2013 13:12

Thank you all for contributing. It's sad to see that this is so common. I am in no doubt that the child's mother is doing this specifically and deliberately to the child. The child has stated that "Mummy says so" and her older brother (7) has said that his mummy says I call her names and offered an example that has never crossed my lips. My partner has sent a solicitors letter on several occasions to raise his concerns about her behaviour which includes refusing to speak to her children when they are on holiday with us which results in tears at bedtime. We both feel so helpless and don't know what to do next to prevent these children being upset further.

OP posts:

Stepmooster · 03/05/2013 03:49

Hi NADM, my comment was in relation to Theydeserve who asked about whether she should lie to her DC's who are being told one thing or another from the OW/aunty. I don't mean to insult OP and call her OW.

And I agree if you are not the OW or OM then being nasty and manipulative about them to the children is damaging and IMO completely unjustified.

It is the kids that suffer that's why I told DH to pack it in. All parents should put their differences to one side for sake of kids, but when the ex is dealing with OM/OW as a step parent I can sympathise not everyone is going to get to that point straight away.

I know step parents need to grow thick skins to put up with some of the comments we get from ex partners, but it can get to us sometimes. Plus we get to see the damage it causes the children first hand. I can't be the first SM whose laid awake at night thinking how they wished things were better for their step children but being in the awful position of not being able to do anything at all except watch as a bystander.

NotaDisneyMum · 02/05/2013 22:57

I do think if you're the OM/OW and you're dealing with a bitter ex, then you can't suddenly expect to be immediately treated with the respect you deserve as a step parent by the ex

Where does the OP say that she was the OW?

I certainly wasn't, although given her behaviour, it's easy to assume I was - DPs ex had an affair, which was grounds for the divorce, although she didn't want it, hence her bitterness when DP left the marriage. Our subsequent relationship gave her the opportunity to rewrite history.

NotaDisneyMum · 02/05/2013 22:52

Either person on the receiving end is in an impossible situation be they step or actual mother.

Actually, it's the DCs who are in an impossible situation.

I've never considered myself to be a victim of the DSC mums behaviour - I couldn't give a flying fig what she thinks or believes - it is the impact on the DCs that is the issue for me.

Stepmooster · 02/05/2013 22:52

Hi Theydeserve, that sounds like a very difficult situation for you.

I know that DH has also vowed not to lie to DS. Ia m 2 minds as to whether I agree with this. When DSS asked recently why DH and his mum split up, DH told him the truth. That his mum didn't love DH anymore and loved the OM and DH had to leave. The other man has been SF of DSS for 5 years. DH's opinion is that now DSS is older and asking questions he won't lie or dodge the question.

In the past before I came along and put a stop to it, DH would be less than complimentary about the OM. DH has mellowed now and recently told DSS that he knows and is ok with DSS loving the OM.

I don't condone what DH said about the OM, but I can see why he did it. He was hurting terribly and he was in the unfortunate situation of having to see the OM live 12 days out of 14 with his child. He had to listen to him call him son, watch him live in his house and drive his car etc.

I do think if you're the OM/OW and you're dealing with a bitter ex, then you can't suddenly expect to be immediately treated with the respect you deserve as a step parent by the ex. After all you can hardly claim the moral high ground. You should really bite your tongue and be respectful and patient for wounds to heal. I think you also have to be prepared to handle the truth properly when the children are old enough to understand and are starting to ask questions.

Theydeserve · 02/05/2013 22:41

"This kind of badmouthing is considered to be emotional abuse by professionals - and has been labelled as such by a SW and Family Support Worker involved with my DSC's, who have been subject to their Mums negative attitude, badmouthing and manipulation for over four years."

It is relevant- it goes both ways. Either person on the receiving end is in an impossible situation be they step or actual mother.

It is easy to slag both off, but genuinely how do you deal with it. Do you lie to yourself and to the children?

My DCs are 6 and 3

allnewtaketwo · 02/05/2013 22:13

They deserve, with all fur respect, I'm sure your situation is very difficult, However that does not mean there is any relevance to the OP

In order to address your question, the ages of your DC are very relevant, which you have omitted

Theydeserve · 02/05/2013 21:22

Undoubtedly there are two sides to this. Some mothers will slag off the step mum and I completely agree this is wrong.

My situation is the reverse and it is extremely difficult to deal with. My 2 DCs knew the OW as she was a family friend.

I now have eldest DC coming home saying " Mummy, aunty , says she is not going to be horrible to you any more and we can all be friends"

Aunty * says you are the only stopping everyone being happy.

Aunty * says you are a sad cow and need to get a life.

If you start being nice to aunty we could all go on holiday together"

With the best imagination in the world DC6 did not make this up out of nothing.
My response is the best I can give, which is neutral expression and say, that is not nice and not true, but as long as she is nice to you, that is what matters.

Eldest DC finally said to me a few weeks ago - you do not like Aunty * do you?

Do I lie to my child - something I have said I would not do?

I would be interested to see what the opinions are?

allnewtaketwo · 01/05/2013 09:45

I think a 3 year old not liking another nursery school child is VERY different from the child's main carer saying category stating that she, as an adult, does not like another key adult figure in the child's life, one whose home and life she will share for a significant part of her life.

But agree the only thing the OP can influence is how she deals with it. But make no bones about it, this young child WILL be emotionally torn upon hearing that stuff and dealing with it.

elliebellys · 01/05/2013 09:37

Its how its dealt with that really counts.when the child goes 2 nursery im sure she,d come saying she doesnt like hervteacher,or another child there,or she might not like mummys friends.the op just needs 2 say its ok,mayb your mummy might like me given time nd that its ok for dsd to still like her.op how does dsd interact with you otherwise?

Moomoomee · 01/05/2013 06:41

I think if OP had been the mum and it was the the new partner saying 'I don't like your mummy' then everyone would have attacked the new partner.

A three year old doesnt even need to know that her mum doesn't like the OP, it's just confusing for the LO.

allnewtaketwo · 01/05/2013 06:05

A 3 year old does not have the emotional maturity to realise they can like someone who their mother has openly said she does not like . FFS. Even an older child will struggle with the emotional conflict.

NotaDisneyMum · 30/04/2013 22:36

They've spoken at length with DH (now they're older), how difficult they found it that they liked me, and had fun spending time with us, but because they knew that mum didn't like me, or me being in their life, they felt they shouldn't either.

Yup - my DSD has also said this to me and DP; in her case, she refused to have anything to do with her Dad or me for over two years, because he refused to choose between me and her when she gave him an ultimatum.

Her Mums open dislike of me caused her a great deal of emotional conflict - she knew (in her mind, whether it was true or not) that she would upset her Mum by spending time with me (because she knew that her Mum didn't like me), and yet, she wanted to spend time with her Dad, so her "solution" was to tell Dad to get rid of me!

With younger children, it also has an impact on their feelings of security - they have to try and work out why their Mum repeatedly places them in the presence & care of someone that they say that they don't like. In my DSS case, that has led to a situation where he feels insecure when he is in my sole care, and isn't comfortable when I drive, rather than DP, for instance.

Negative language, alienation, badmouthing and discouragement can all be prevented by Court Order in some States in the USA; because the courts have accepted the research and evidence that reveals just how emotionally harmful it can be. There is now a great deal of work being done in the UK as well - hopefully, this type of behaviour will begin to be acknowledged by CAFCASS and in Court to avoid DC's being put through it.

VBisme · 30/04/2013 22:10

Sorry, I should have added "to me".

They've spoken at length with DH (now they're older), how difficult they found it that they liked me, and had fun spending time with us, but because they knew that mum didn't like me, or me being in their life, they felt they shouldn't either.

It has now backfired on her, the kids understand now that she was wrong (all by themselves), and appreciate that I stayed consistent and never bad mouthed their mum.

elliebellys · 30/04/2013 22:08

I agree with you purple.kids should grow 2 understand that just bcos their parent doesnt like someone ,doesnt mean that they can,t like them.aslong as the child isnt specifically told not 2 like the op i cant see how shes using her as a pawn or abusing her.

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purpleroses · 30/04/2013 22:04

vbisme - you just stated that your DSC "looked thoughtful and never mentioned it again" - which doesn't really sound like a symptom of "emotional trauma" does it?

VBisme · 30/04/2013 21:33

No, I didn't expect you would.

purpleroses · 30/04/2013 21:30

The OP hasn't said that the DM hates her, just that she doesn't like her. There's a bit of a difference. She's not suggested that the DSD is being put under any pressure not to like her or her dad either. So I don't really see what "emotional trauma" must necessarily be involved.

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